The small dark green pickup truck rumbles down the street slowly approaching the white house on the corner. The noise seizes as we stop in front of my house. Looking out I notice that all the lights are off and there's no car parked in the driveway. I feel my heart tearing, but choose not to let my emotions spill out until I'm safe within the confinements of my bedroom. However as much as I want to be alone in bed, able to drown out all my sorrows with some sleep I know I can't bear to stay alone. Paul knows it too and he reaches out and lays his hand on my shoulder.
"You're welcome to stay at my house tonight Paige. My parents said it was alright. Besides, I'd rather you not stay alone." He softly whispers into the night air, not quite sure if I can really hear him through the pain that rings in my ears. I can hear him though and I nod my head, slowly but surely.
"So you'll stay with me tonight?" he says, a bit of excitement in his voice.
"Yeah Paul, I will." I say as I open the door and make my way up to the front door.
Standing there I hesitate to open the door. I know when I walk in the smell of my mom's cooking will not be there. She and my dad will not be sitting at the kitchen table, each engrossed in their own thing. My head tells me to get it over with, that the pain won't be that bad, but my heart says otherwise. It screams for me to stop and turn around, to go to Paul's and wait till tomorrow to confront my fears. I think about it a little bit more, unsure of what to do. Then I hear faint footsteps walking towards me, they belong to Paul. Standing behind me he says nothing, just waits. I feel his breath against my neck. If I don't do it now I never will, I tell myself. So carefully I insert the key in the lock, turn the knob and push open the door.
The only thing I'm confronted with is pure darkness. I fumble to find the switch and when I do I quickly turn it on. Light floods the small entry way, allowing me to see my home. I know that soon I will no longer live here and I grow sad once more. Over in the corner I notice the Christmas picture we had taken last year, elegantly sitting on the mantelpiece. The smiling faces of my parents glisten, while my face shows nothing but boredom and misery. I shiver at the way I had been with them, so cruel and mean. Not wanting to take anymore of this self pity I walk up to my room, collect my things and hurry out.
Once outside I sigh a breath of relief, knowing the worse is over, at least for now.
* * *
The cold rain hits the back of my shirt, but I don't bother to go back into the house to get an umbrella. I barely bothered to get dressed today for that matter. I look at my watch and notice it's 10:00am. I have 15 minutes to get to the church before the memorial service. I see my aunt running out of the house and towards the car.
"I'm sorry Paige, I was running a little late." She says flustered. I know she was putting on some makeup to try and cover the dark circles and puffiness that have formed around her eyes, but I also know she won't ever tell me that. She's determined that everything is going to be alright, even though deep down inside she knows it's not true.
Opening the car door we both step inside. My uncle puts the car in drive and begins the journey to the end of what had been my normal life. I begin to wonder about everything as I see the scenery before us change with each passing second. I know that I'm to stay with my aunt and uncle for the remaining few years of high school. I think about how difficult it will be for me, to live with people who have barely any impact on my life. It makes me shiver inside, the thought of my life being completely turned around. I remember how it had been just a few days ago, when my parents were alive, and my life for the most part, was intact.
We park in front of the church just as some of my other relatives make their way in. They stop to talk to us, but I don't care to answer. I just keep on going. Once inside I sit down in the last pew and watch as people approach my parent's coffins. They're closed caskets, for obvious reasons, yet they still want to look. At what, I don't know. Most of the people I don't even recognize, they're perfect strangers. Among the crowd I try to find a familiar face and I do. I see Paul off in the corner, his head down. I want to walk over to him, but I feel empty and tired. Drained of all life, however I do call to him and he comes.
"Paige..." is all he says. He hasn't seen me since the morning after it happened and I can tell he's been worried about me. "I called you but your aunt told me that you didn't want to be disturbed. How are you holding up?"
I can't believe my aunt told Paul I didn't want to speak to him! I had told her that I only wanted to speak to Paul. I had yearned to talk to him, to cry over the phone and hear his calming voice tell me it was going to be okay. I had tried to escape, to go see him, but I knew I couldn't. My aunt was already frazzled, I didn't need to add to her stress. But my aunt wasn't the one who mattered now, it was Paul, who was standing before, wanting to know how I was. I could tell him the truth, but not here, not now. I don't want these people to watch me cry, to hear my pain. That's something I need to do when I'm alone, with Paul at my side.
"I'm alright." I answer.
He sits down, "You don't look it." His finger gingerly strokes the bags under my eyes. I haven't slept for days, only Paul has noticed.
"It's been rough." I say. I want to tell him more, a lot more, but I can't. If I start to I won't be able to stop and I can't bear to let down my guard just yet.
"You haven't slept. I bet you haven't eaten either." He says, concerned.
"Don't worry about me, I'll be fine."
"Too late, I'm already worried. I know this is tough on you Paige, but you have to tell someone what you're feeling. Keeping the pain locked up inside is never going to help you heal."
I nod my head, unable to say anything because of the huge lump that sits in my throat. I feel the tears rushing forward and I try to hide them to no avail. Paul notices and he gently catches a tear as it falls down.
"It's alright to cry." He whispers.
"I know... not here though." I choke out, the pain present in my voice.
"Then where? Where can I take you Paige? Just tell me and I'll take you there." I want to jump up and hug him, he always knows just what to say. It helps to know I have someone who cares about me and he knows it.
"Away, anywhere, just not here. I don't want to be here. I feel suffocated." I barely say and Paul has to come even closer than he already is to hear me. Already I can see people looking over and then talking in hushed voices. They think I don't notice but I do. In a few minutes they'll have told my aunt and then she'll run over and tell me empty words she thinks are going to help, but never do. "Please Paul, let's just go...now!" I plead.
He looks over and notices the chatter boxes in the corner. Reaching for my hand he gets up and drags me out of the church and towards his car. "Come on I know just where to go."
A/N: What'd ya think? Please review and let me know!
