Disclaimer: Don't anything, not even the computer I type on.
Author's Note: I'M SO SORRY. Yes I'm groveling at your feet for forgiveness. I apologize for this long extended update. My muse decided to impetuously disappear, leaving me with a humongous case of writer's block. But alas, here it is. Enjoy, and don't forget to review, I'll promise to give you a cookie if you do!! Also, I borrowed the title and the song lyrics from Jewel, incase you were curious.
Inside of You
Chapter 8
The Absence of Fear
Worried. Frantic. Mad. Worried. Annoyed. Irate. And then worried again. These seemed to be the current mood changes Haley was experiencing as Lucas drove her home from work. She didn't know whether she should be mildly concerned that Nathan's Dad was back home. Or angry because, simply put: he wasn't. Haley knew for a fact that Dan Scott had never been a very helpful man, and when she'd called the previous night he'd all but hung up on her when she first said hello.
After discovering that Nathan wasn't anywhere to be found, nor was his cell-phone on, Haley had tried to make a few more calls to some of his closer friends, but came up empty. So she'd spent the entire night and following day in restless wonder about what could have possibly caused him to disappear off the face of the earth.
"So he hasn't called you yet," Lucas asked, his line of vision still directed toward the road in front of him.
"Not even once," Haley sighed, scratching her head and pulling a loose strand of hair behind her ear.
God, it had been a long day. One of those days that seems to never end. You want it too. You want it to be over so that a new day can begin, and all the unsavory memories of the past 24 hours can be washed away. Part of you, however, wants it to last just a little bit longer, wanting, waiting to see if anything can be salvaged. Haley highly doubted there was anything worth saving from the total and complete waste this day had become.
"I'm sorry Hales," Lucas tried to comfort her, giving her that soft side ways grin that he knew always made her smile.
And she did smile back, but it was a vacant smile, one that never quite reached her eyes. "I just can't understand it. I mean where could he be? If something had happened to him, somebody would've found out. I know this. But it doesn't explain why he won't call me back. I mean I left like five ba-jillion messages on his cell-phone and at this point I'm ready to put out a restraining order on myself for this whole stalker act thing I've got going on."
"You worry too much you know that," he offered, turning into to Haley's neighborhood.
"This coming from the boy who read all the books on our English reading list last summer because he was afraid of getting 'behind'," she shook her head, while simultaneously making air quotations with her hands.
"That's not called worrying, that's called being prepared. And besides, it's not like it did me any good, he changed the list two weeks into the semester."
"It doesn't matter, and that's not the point. All I was saying is that usually he would have called me by now. Something must have happened Luke. Nathan wouldn't just not answer his phone, that things like practically welded to his side."
"Maybe you could stop by his house tonight, check and see if things are ok there."
"I guess," she sighed shifting her attention back to the window as Lucas turned onto the road that sat perpendicular to her own street.
She'd traveled this way home more times than she could count; knew who lived in the yellow house with blue mailbox, or the brick house with the neatly trimmed bushes, even the rare two-story home at the end of the block, a place she'd grown accustomed to over the years. What she didn't expect to see however, was Nathan's large black SUV sitting in a driveway of one those homes.
"Is-is that Nathan," she squinted, trying to get a better glimpse of the person who had just walked outside.
"Where," Lucas asked, tilting his head to look out her window.
"Over there, by the green and brown house," she pointed. "It is him, pull over."
"What, are you serious," he looked baffled.
"Yeah, I want some answers Luke. Here just pull over there, and let me out. I'll only be a couple minutes."
"Haley, I don't–."
"Five-ten minutes at the most . . . just hold on I'll be right back," she said jumping out of the truck and walking back toward the house.
When she stepped onto the driveway where Nathan's car was parked, he disappeared. She looked around the area trying to find him, going up to the door and then hesitating on knocking. Deciding that since she wasn't all that sure if it really was him she saw, it wouldn't be the best idea to make a fool of herself.
Nathan came out from around the back of the house, when Haley was almost to the street.
"Haley," he asked, looking at her curiously.
She turned around slowly, giving him a bashful smile. "Hi."
"Hi," he came up to stand in front of her, his forehead wet with a sheen of perspiration. "What are you doing here," he interrogated, noticing Lucas' truck down the street.
Haley suddenly felt ashamed, and then irritated that he made her feel that way. Who was he to ask her that? "What am I DOING?! I was on my way home when I see your car parked in a driveway a block from my house. I don't usually get out of cars when I see my friend's vehicle's parked at strange houses. But seeing as I called you last night and your father picked up the phone, and then you proceeded to not show up at school today or call me and tell me what the Hell is going on NATHAN, I decided to be adventurous and come see what was going on."
He watched her finish her rant, before he spoke, an exasperated breath leaving her body.
"You worry way too much."
"People keep saying that to me, but ya know what, I think you're all wrong. I mean, hello, I am a worrier. And the whole purpose of being a worrier is to worry. Otherwise, what's the point," she crossed her arms over her chest quickly.
Nathan looked at her, tilted his head back to stretch his neck muscles, and began to laugh. Haley just watched him for a moment in shock.
"Are you–are you laughing at me?"
"Only in a good way," he chuckled, the more angry she got, the more funny it became.
"All right then, yuck it up. But I see what it's like now. You spend the entire day cavorting in some strange man's house, while I sat around having my own private freak out session, thinking you were dead or drugged and unconscious . . . in some strange man's house!"
"For starters this isn't some strange man's house, it my mom's friend Bonnies' house. And secondly, I didn't call you, because I left my cell in my room."
"Oh so you were cavorting with your mom's friend Bonnie then," she teased.
"Not exactly."
"Mind filling me in on what you were doing?"
Nathan paused, looking into her eyes, "I'm moving."
Haley wasn't sure she'd heard him correctly, didn't think she wanted to hear him correctly, yet she couldn't stop herself from speaking. "What? When?.......Why," her voice bumped up an octave higher.
"My mom's moving back home to Vermont for a couple months to stay with my Grandparents. That's what I was doing today, helping her get ready to leave," he finished quietly.
"I don't understand, are your parents breaking up or..."she trailed off not sure what to ask anymore.
"It's a long story, I'm not even sure I know everything that happened. She didn't say anything about divorce, but I know she's gonna be gone for awhile," he looked dejected and tiredd all of sudden. Haley wanted to kiss him, hug him, make it better. At the same time, she felt a hard pit in the middle of her stomach.
"When were you planning on telling me this,"she began to bite her bottom lip.
"As soon as I could, which would be right now, actually," Nathan replied, shifting back and forth.
Haley felt like screaming. This was so unfair. Life was so unfair. And what tipped the scales in even more, was the fact that he didn't even seem all that upset. "You don't even realize what's gonna happen now, do you," she asked him, a sharp tone to her voice.
Nathan gave her a confused look, "I'm not really following you, wanna explain?"
Haley bit back a sob, from sadness, frustration, both, she didn't know. "Your mother moved out Nathan. I know you see that, I know you hear that, but do you really know what it means? It means you have to make a choice now where you want to be. Is it going to be your Mom or your Dad?"
He shrugged his shoulders, and shook his head. Not even wanting to begin to answer a loaded question like that. But more than anything he felt pissed off at her. She wanted to be his girlfriend, wanted to be his friend period. And yet she couldn't try to be the least bit sympathetic for him. "Why does it even matter, it's my life not yours," he barked, regretting the words as soon as they left his mouth.
Haley looked down at the ground, staring at a single leaf blowing back and forth in the wind. "That's my point and you can't even see it. What happens to you, what you do affects me. That's what a relationship is Nathan. And if you don't get that . . . then you don't get me."
Neither of them spoke for a few moments, the reality of the situation bearing down on them heavily. Haley looked back up at Nathan trying to search for something in his eyes, something that would tell her everything was going to be ok. She didn't find any comfort, or love, just a lost boy who was as scared as her. And at that moment it broke her heart into pieces.
She turned back toward Lucas' Tow truck, slipping in the cab, and looking ahead with a cold glare. Lucas peered out the back window to see Nathan still standing in his same spot, watching him.
"Are you ok," he asked her softly, trying to look into her eyes.
"I'm fine, just go please," Haley pleaded, trying with all her might to keep the tears from falling.
He gave one quick glance back to his half brother before he put the truck in drive and sped down the street seconds later.
*********************************
Later that afternoon, Lucas and Brooke lay sprawled out on his couch, the soft glow of the television screen illuminating the dark room. They'd come back to his house to watch some t.v., do homework, just hang together. And like the past five times before, it had turned into another heated grope session. First starting off hurried, their hands on each other, everywhere, touching as much as they could Then it would slow, their kisses becoming more sensual, less frantic. Until they got to the point where they were almost void of all clothes, their bodies flushed and sweaty, and melded together.
"Lets go to your room," Brooke breathed into his ear, flicking her tongue out and licking the edge of his lobe slowly.
Lucas let out a low groan, "I don't think that would be such a good idea, " he began kissing her neck and collarbone.
"Oh, and why is that," she grinned naughtily, moving then to unbutton his jeans.
He stalled her hands, looking at her soberly, "You know why."
She sat up on her knees, leaning slighting on his legs, and looking at him, her bottom lip jutting out in a pout. "Are you telling me you honestly don't have any desire to go into that room over there and have wild crazy sex right now?"
Lucas gulped back a moan, and puffed out a laugh. "You don't know how badly I want to do just that. But I don't think we should."
The room became ten times more tense than it had been just moments before, and Brooke regretted bringing the whole subject up. "Is it Peyton? Do you feel bad about hurting her or something, because if it's not that, then I don't get you Lucas. A guy like you could get tons of girls, you could get laid every night if you wanted. Hell, I'm sitting here offering myself to you and you still say no. So can I just ask, what gives?"
"Yeah I feel bad about Peyton, but that doesn't change what we have. And what we have--I don't want it to be just about sex," he said, sitting up right. He ran his hand up and down her bare arm slowly, caressing her silken skin. "I want it to be more than that. You're worth more than just sex to me. I care about you."
"Really?" she cracked a smile, not expecting that kind of admission from him.
He took hold of her face looking into her eyes and kissing her deeply. "I do want to be with you, be assured of that. Just give it time, until you're ready. I'll wait for you," he finished, giving his last few words more emphasis.
The seriousness of his words weren't lost on her and she replied with the most honest smile she could muster, resting back down next to him on the couch, and relishing the intimacy they had.
*********************************
It was already dark by the time Nathan finally got the last of Deb's bags and suitcases into the storage shed of her friends' house. Slumping down into the wooden kitchen table chair with humph.'
"Tired," Deb asked with a grin.
"Nah, I just need to sleep for like a year, and then I'll be ready for the Annual Move 2005," he stated, resting his arms and head down on the table.
"Thank you sweetie, for all your help. I couldn't have done this by myself," she patted his head.
"So what time is your flight on Saturday," he asked, sitting back up.
"Four-thirty I think," she paused. "Have you made a decision yet Nate, about what you were planning on doing, because if you're coming with me then . . . "
"I know."
The room fell silent before Nathan spoke again, the question harder to get out than he had first anticipated. "Do you . . . still love dad," he looked at Deb and then back down at his hands where they rested on the tabletop.
"Part of me does, and part of me doesn't know anymore. We've just grown apart, and it feels like we still are," she looked around the room uncomfortably.
"Do you think it'll ever. . . ya know . . . be all right again, between you guys?"
Deb got up from the table to leave the room, "We'll just have to wait and see."
*********************************
The waves crashed together in a tumultuous roar. The black water seeping onto the sand before it retreated back into the ocean, only to repeat the cycle again. The wind blew lightly through Haley's hair as she sat on the edge of the dock, staring intently out into the dark abyss. She didn't know how long she'd been sitting there, and at this point she didn't care. The empty feeling that was consuming her whole body, felt sickly deafening as she pushed another stray tear from her eye.
In the far off distance she could hear the soft music of someone's radio playing.
Inside my skin there is this space
It twists and turns
It bleeds and aches
Inside my heart there's an empty room
It's waiting for lightning
It's waiting for you
Nathan watched her from the end of the dock. He'd gone everywhere he could think of trying to find her: her house, Lucas' place, the café, the Market Street docks, and found nothing. It was only when he'd remembered the night his father crashed their dinner a couple weeks back, and he had brought her here, that he decided to try it out. Sure enough there she sat, hunched over, alone, legs dangling over the side like a lost child.
He came up behind her quietly, looking down from where he stood, "This seat taken?"
She jumped a little, looking at him from the corner of her eye. "Yeah this whole area's kind of reserved for pathetic losers like myself, but feel free to stay if you want."
He squatted down beside her, pulling the hair in her face away, and placing it behind her ear. "You're not a loser," he smiled, "Pathetic, maybe yes, but defiantly not a loser," he tried teasing her.
She let a little laugh spill out, but straightened herself quickly, "It's not funny Nathan."
He sighed, sitting down, and wrapping his arm around her shoulders. "Why are you out here by yourself?"
And I am wanting
And I am needing you here
Inside the absence of fear
"I needed time to think, I wanted to figure out what I was gonna do if you . . . ," she couldn't say it. Couldn't say the word left, even thinking it made it too real. "Besides I'm the one that's supposed to be chasing after you."
"We can skip my turn next time," he hesitated before asking her candidly, " Haley do you want me to stay?"
"I want to you to be happy," she ran her fingers over the top of his hand.
Muscle and sinew
Velvet and stone
This vessel is haunted
It creaks and moans
"I'm not sure I even know what happy means anymore. Not with the kind of family shit that's been going on for the last five months," he watched her face fall. Her eyes darken. So he tentatively grabbed her chin, pulling it up so that she could look him in the face. "I know I'm not perfect, and I probably make your life way more complicated than you like, but . . . I don't regret any of those moments that I spent with you."
Haley turned away, tears falling rapidly now.
My bones call to you
In their separate skin
I make myself translucent
To let you in, for I am wanting
And I am needing of you here
Inside the absence of fear
"Please don't say that, it just makes everything harder."
"It's the truth."
"Yeah and it scares me. Because I don't know if I could stand it if you weren't here. I want to lose myself with you Nathan," she tried to turn away again, but he stopped her, bending his head to make eye contact.
"I feel it too," he said.
There is this hunger
This restlessness inside of meAnd it knows that you're no stranger
You're my gravity
"But that doesn't change the fact that I'm still scared shitless," she uttered.
He smiled at her, intertwining their hands for what seemed like first time, noticing how they fell togEther so naturally, that an outsider would have thought they'd always been this close.
"It's not brave if you're not scared."
My hands will adore you through all darkness aim
They will lay you out in moonlight
And reinvent your name
She smiled without abandon this time, his words freeing her from some of the added weight she'd been carrying around since the previous night. "How do you do that?"
"Do what," he asked, cocking his head to search her face.
"Make everything seem so easy, " she replied.
"Because with you it is. Anything seems possible when we're together," he tried to smile, and then averted his eyes to the beach below them, feeling too open and raw in front her.
It was Haley's turn this time to bring him back to her, and she did, kissing him softly on the lips. He rested his forehead on hers and closed his eyes. He knew he was falling in love her, knew he should tell her, let her know how he really felt. But in that moment her kiss was enough.
Slowly he pulled away, standing up and bringing her with him to walk back to his car. As they left the silent shifting waves still echoed in the background.
A/N: Ok so I hoped you all liked this chapter. I tried out the whole having song lyrics in my fic, but I'm not quite sure how well it came out. Was it too cheesy? Or did it flow well? Let me know either way. Also if any of you ever saw the movie Bounce with Ben Affleck and Gwenyth Paltrow you might recognize that yes, I borrowed one of the lines from it. I know, I know, you're all crushed that my writing is 100% percent original. What do you care anyway–it's fan fiction for Christ sakes!! :p
