Disc-laimer: I don't own this, neither do you.
* * *
Ponder and Esk kicked open the door to the Hex Lair, as the sign made by Ponder said on the door, and were confronted by a somewhat worrisome sight.
Ponder and Esk kicked open the door to the Hex Lair, as the sign made by Ponder said on the door, and were confronted by a somewhat worrisome sight.
Ridcully was standing next to Hex and stomping on ants. The Lecturer in Recent Runes was yelling at Ridcully that he was doing this all wrong, and Ridcully was yelling back to shut up and keep stomping. The Bursar was sitting on cart that had appeared when Rincewind had vanished, and was carving a splendid landscape out of a gourd he had found in it. Hex was babbling about power levels being low.
"Gentlemen-"
"I hate ants! They eat otherwise perfectly good food!"
"Gentlemen-"
"They run the system. You're killing it!"
"Gentlemen-"
"And remember, use nice even strokes with your knife. Your trees should be happy trees!"
"SILENCE!" That was from Esk, who was proud of Ponders belated attempts to stick up for himself but was equally aware they weren't working. The whole scene ground to a dead standstill, except for the ants and the Bursar, who kept humming to himself.
"Look. Pseudoagatea is a really hot problem on the Disc right now," resumed Ponder, somewhat shaken. "Ankh-Morpork does not need a war there. We have no reason to send OUR troops over there to deal with a problem the Pseudoagateans should fix for themselves. So we MUST retrieve Rincewind and pretend none of this ever happened. I am going to fix this problem, and you are going to help me. We need to fix this thing, and we need to fix it fast. I've got the parts and the diagrams, but I can't do this alone. Whose the best scientist in this town." The wizards all immediately turned pale. "Fess up. It's a matter of national importance. Confront the patrician if we have to. This must be solved." The wizards stared. "NOW!"
They all hustled out of the room.
"Esk?" He said when they were gone.
"Yes?"
"Where the hells did that speech just come from?"
* * *
"And that's the prophecy?" Asked Rincewind.
"Well, most of it," said Uyidako. "That was the prophecy, up until about a month ago when the Ephebians arrived. They had a similar prophesy, which seems to be in league with ours. There was a great Ephebian hero named Lavaeolus, who could do only what was right. He didn't always want to do it, and half the time it seemed like he could only do it if he wasn't trying. He denied he was anything special. It became his trademark. He hated his role in the world, and I have learned most of my Ephebian curse words from his manuscripts, that I have." She noted the shocked look on Rincewind's face, and mistook it for what she had just said, instead of the mentions of Lavaeolus. "Well, sometimes it's the only way to get the attention of a soldier. So we now believe there will be a hero from Ephebie who will liberate us from the shackles of oppression. And I must admit you pretty much meet the requirements."
"Whaa."
"I know," She said, and for an instant looked almost like she would say something he could get his mind around. "But don't worry. You'll either save the day or be killed trying. You see, the enemy has formed a ring around this city with a twenty-mile radius. There is no way out. So now I will show you around, that I will."
* * *
Current Patrician Lord Havelock Vetinari was sitting at his desk and seriously debating whether to read the newspaper or curl up with a good manual when the door of his office was kicked open* and the wizards burst in.
"I demand to see the Patrician," said the Lecturer in Recent Runes, who had lost the ant battle and was trying to restore his self confidence."
"Front and center," said Vetinari, looking up. "You are the wizards, I take it. Please remember that I am still not entirely trustful of you after that incident when I was a lizard."
"Newt, actually," said the Senior Wrangler. Ridcully kicked him.
"What; it's harder to make a newt than a liz-" Ridcully kicked him harder, and said,
"Shut up! Besides you said you weren't there when that happened."
"GENTLEMEN."
"Oh, right," said Ridcully, giving the Senior Wrangler a final kick, " We need to see the Scientist."
Vetinari frowned slightly.
"Now we know he's up there, Havelock, and we need him to help us. It's very important."
"You will do no such thing!" said Vetinari, pinking slightly.
"Okay, have it your way. We pay these taxes OUT OF CHARITY to the state, and you still won't help us?"
"No."
"All right. What shade of NEWT do you want to be this time?"
"Are you threatening me?"
"Yes."
"You can't make me tell you where he is."
"True, but I can blow stuff up until I find out." He shot a fireball into the wall. Part of it collapsed, revealing a staircase. "Now see how easy that was?"
The wizards walked up the stairs, and vanished from sight.
Vetinari sighed and made a mental appointment with the stonemason.
* Wizards, as you may have noticed, do this a lot. It's a habit formed when your scorch, scald, freeze, dismember, tear or slash you hands for any reason in your workday.
* * *
Ponder and Esk kicked open the door to the Hex Lair, as the sign made by Ponder said on the door, and were confronted by a somewhat worrisome sight.
Ponder and Esk kicked open the door to the Hex Lair, as the sign made by Ponder said on the door, and were confronted by a somewhat worrisome sight.
Ridcully was standing next to Hex and stomping on ants. The Lecturer in Recent Runes was yelling at Ridcully that he was doing this all wrong, and Ridcully was yelling back to shut up and keep stomping. The Bursar was sitting on cart that had appeared when Rincewind had vanished, and was carving a splendid landscape out of a gourd he had found in it. Hex was babbling about power levels being low.
"Gentlemen-"
"I hate ants! They eat otherwise perfectly good food!"
"Gentlemen-"
"They run the system. You're killing it!"
"Gentlemen-"
"And remember, use nice even strokes with your knife. Your trees should be happy trees!"
"SILENCE!" That was from Esk, who was proud of Ponders belated attempts to stick up for himself but was equally aware they weren't working. The whole scene ground to a dead standstill, except for the ants and the Bursar, who kept humming to himself.
"Look. Pseudoagatea is a really hot problem on the Disc right now," resumed Ponder, somewhat shaken. "Ankh-Morpork does not need a war there. We have no reason to send OUR troops over there to deal with a problem the Pseudoagateans should fix for themselves. So we MUST retrieve Rincewind and pretend none of this ever happened. I am going to fix this problem, and you are going to help me. We need to fix this thing, and we need to fix it fast. I've got the parts and the diagrams, but I can't do this alone. Whose the best scientist in this town." The wizards all immediately turned pale. "Fess up. It's a matter of national importance. Confront the patrician if we have to. This must be solved." The wizards stared. "NOW!"
They all hustled out of the room.
"Esk?" He said when they were gone.
"Yes?"
"Where the hells did that speech just come from?"
* * *
"And that's the prophecy?" Asked Rincewind.
"Well, most of it," said Uyidako. "That was the prophecy, up until about a month ago when the Ephebians arrived. They had a similar prophesy, which seems to be in league with ours. There was a great Ephebian hero named Lavaeolus, who could do only what was right. He didn't always want to do it, and half the time it seemed like he could only do it if he wasn't trying. He denied he was anything special. It became his trademark. He hated his role in the world, and I have learned most of my Ephebian curse words from his manuscripts, that I have." She noted the shocked look on Rincewind's face, and mistook it for what she had just said, instead of the mentions of Lavaeolus. "Well, sometimes it's the only way to get the attention of a soldier. So we now believe there will be a hero from Ephebie who will liberate us from the shackles of oppression. And I must admit you pretty much meet the requirements."
"Whaa."
"I know," She said, and for an instant looked almost like she would say something he could get his mind around. "But don't worry. You'll either save the day or be killed trying. You see, the enemy has formed a ring around this city with a twenty-mile radius. There is no way out. So now I will show you around, that I will."
* * *
Current Patrician Lord Havelock Vetinari was sitting at his desk and seriously debating whether to read the newspaper or curl up with a good manual when the door of his office was kicked open* and the wizards burst in.
"I demand to see the Patrician," said the Lecturer in Recent Runes, who had lost the ant battle and was trying to restore his self confidence."
"Front and center," said Vetinari, looking up. "You are the wizards, I take it. Please remember that I am still not entirely trustful of you after that incident when I was a lizard."
"Newt, actually," said the Senior Wrangler. Ridcully kicked him.
"What; it's harder to make a newt than a liz-" Ridcully kicked him harder, and said,
"Shut up! Besides you said you weren't there when that happened."
"GENTLEMEN."
"Oh, right," said Ridcully, giving the Senior Wrangler a final kick, " We need to see the Scientist."
Vetinari frowned slightly.
"Now we know he's up there, Havelock, and we need him to help us. It's very important."
"You will do no such thing!" said Vetinari, pinking slightly.
"Okay, have it your way. We pay these taxes OUT OF CHARITY to the state, and you still won't help us?"
"No."
"All right. What shade of NEWT do you want to be this time?"
"Are you threatening me?"
"Yes."
"You can't make me tell you where he is."
"True, but I can blow stuff up until I find out." He shot a fireball into the wall. Part of it collapsed, revealing a staircase. "Now see how easy that was?"
The wizards walked up the stairs, and vanished from sight.
Vetinari sighed and made a mental appointment with the stonemason.
* Wizards, as you may have noticed, do this a lot. It's a habit formed when your scorch, scald, freeze, dismember, tear or slash you hands for any reason in your workday.
