"Did you say that, Antimony?"
"No sir."
"In here. Can anyone tell me what just happened?"
Ptroleus peered inside the hole in the suit. There was a large amount of copper framework, and a seat with an Agatean user and what Rincewind estimated to be the biggest control panel ever created for anything. On top of the man in the seat was another man, who had hit the first in a lopsided position and was now trying to stand up on some of the supporting bars. This man was definitely from Ankh-Morpork.
"Hello," said Leonard of Quirm, "What happened?"
At that point a bomb hit the Walking Suit.
* * *
The wizards arrived, reeling, back at the university. The only one who could stand properly was Esk, but she was still flapping and making weird noises signaling her incompatibility*. The cleaning staff** turned its head, and then went back to work.
"Okay," said Mustrum Ridcully, "New plan."
_____
*Sort of like when you stick a Mac-formatted disk into a PC.
**The cleaning BROOM had caught fire the previous week.
* * *
"What the hell-" said Ptroleus, but Uyidako had already grabbed him and Rincewind and were pushing them out the hole and onto the top of the suit.
"What is happening?" said Rincewind.
"It is the Rice Worm," said Uyidako, "We must get to highest ground, that we must."
The group gathered on top of the upturned shoulder, and watched something in the paddy attack the suit. It looked like a giant tadpole, and where it was the muddy water of the paddy was darker. Rincewind did a quick check, and decided that it was as long as the Walking Suit. He gulped.
"Antimony, reload the Thunder Clay Arrows," barked Ptroleus to the marine who had been standing guard on top of the shoulder since the suit had toppled.
"Reloaded, sir."
"FIRE!" The bow went gattlegattlegattlegattle and after a few explosions the worm turned around. Rincewind breathed a sigh of relief. The worm did a U-turn and came back toward the front of the toppled suit and jumped out of the water and over it. It was easily forty feet long and a dark, slimy black. It was the biggest eel Rincewind had ever seen. It had teeth five feet long, and Rincewind felt it eyeing him before it splashed down in the paddy on the other side and flashed off into the distance.
"Good gods," said one of the other marines.
"Well, it's gone now said Ptroleus.
"Wrong," said Rincewind.
The worm thundered back again. It slammed into the side of the suit so hard Ptroleus fell down and almost off the side. Antimony fired off the Gattle Bow. There was another thud and it slid backwards off the suit and into the water.
"What do we do!" Shouted Rincewind to Uyidako.
"We are either rescued or die."
"We can't drive it off ourselves?"
"No. We would need the Magnesium Rockets-" A bright, gooey red light flashed over their heads and landed in the water next to the eel. There was an explosion. The eel reared in the water one last time and fled in a straight line from the suit.
"Did I get him?" Rincewind looked down. There was a tall bronzed-looking man in the boat. At first Rincewind thought he was Ephebian, but his features were Auriental.
"Here comes trouble," said Ptroleus under his breath.
"Xu Chu!" exclaimed Uyidako, and for the first time since he met her, Rincewind realized she might actually be happy to see someone.
"Uyidako!" He jumped out of his boat and clambered up the side of the suit with ease. They embraced.
"You saved us!" She hugged him tighter. "And we brought down a Walking Suit!"
"So I see." He smiled. "How did you do it?"
"Well, I was in Unseen University one minute, and the next minute I'm inside the thing and moving so fast that when I hit the guy inside it I knocked him out," said Leonard in approximate Agatean, who, up until then, has been making documenting the anatomy of the Rice Worm and how its structure could be adapted to mince carrots at high speeds.
"I have heard of the Unseen University," said Xu Chu. "They study magic there, and must have sent you here by mistake." He noticed Rincewind for the first time.
"And you?"
"This is Rincewind," said Uyidako, cutting in. "He may, possibly, be the Savior of the Prophesy. He arrived magically in the town square and IMMEDIATELY informed us he was NOT the Great Wizard." For the first Time Xu Chu looked slightly angry, but it lasted only a minute, and then he smiled brightly and Rincewind.
"Who knows," he said. "Come, let us go back to the village for celebration." He put his arm around Uyidako, and the group started back towards Switch' Off.
And, for some reason he couldn't quite recognize, Rincewind wanted Xu Chu to take his arm away from Uyidako.
* * *
"But I can't possibly borrow the mind of THAT," said Eskarina. "It's impossible!"
"I'm not asking you to borrow the mind of it," said Mustrum Ridcully, "I'll want to cooperate." He walked down the hall and opened the door to the Hex Lair.
"All right," he said, "Come out, luggage on legs! I know you're- Bursar!"
The luggage, which had slept through the entire event so far had now woken up. The Bursar had been left behind to finish his gourd. The luggage was now on its back and the Bursar was scratching its stomach.
"Hello. Fine day for frying mousetraps, wouldn't you say?"
"Luggage!" said Ridcully, who had long ago abandoned communication efforts with the Bursar, "We need you to help us." Nothing happened. "We know where Rincewind is."
The Luggage emitted something of a sigh, rolled over, stood up, and walked over to Ridcully.
"Wonderful. Let's g-"
Ridcully had spun around and in the doorway was the palace aide he recognized as Drumknott.
"Oh. Hi."
"Okay, Mr. Ridcully, it's been six hours and the Patrician wants da Quirm back or else."
* * *
In Pseudoagatea, the sun was going down. Ptroleus turned to Rincewind.
"I still don't entirely trust you- nothing personal- so why don't we finish our guided tour of the city and leave those two alone." He gave the happy couple an angry look.
"You don't like them?" asked Rincewind in a tentative voice.
"I don't like HIM. He's the luckiest person I've ever met. He never has any problems, he fell in love with Uyidako the minute he showed up here-"
"Whaa!" Rincewind was trying to come of shock and made a strangled noise. "I mean, when did he get here?"
"Bout two months ago. He just showed up. Nice fellow, really, but there's something about you just want to hit over the head with a shovel."
"I know what you mean."
"What was that noise you made for anyway?"
"It's a long story. Do you believe in curses?"
* * *
"You HIT a PALACE AIDE!" shouted the Senior Wrangler, who was a beet color, "We are going to BE KILLED!"
"Whaa," said Drumknott, who had been hit twice with Ridcully's staff and wasn't in much of a position to say anything else.
"Relax. I have a plan."
"Which is?"
"We get in the Luggage and tell it to find Rincewind."
"Good Gods."
* * *
"Shitty gods," remarked Ptroleus. "Did all that stuff really happen to you?"
"Yeah. I might have left out the part where I gave Eric's parrot to the Ponce da Quirm-"
"No, I can't say I remember that-"
"But it's all true."
"No sir."
"In here. Can anyone tell me what just happened?"
Ptroleus peered inside the hole in the suit. There was a large amount of copper framework, and a seat with an Agatean user and what Rincewind estimated to be the biggest control panel ever created for anything. On top of the man in the seat was another man, who had hit the first in a lopsided position and was now trying to stand up on some of the supporting bars. This man was definitely from Ankh-Morpork.
"Hello," said Leonard of Quirm, "What happened?"
At that point a bomb hit the Walking Suit.
* * *
The wizards arrived, reeling, back at the university. The only one who could stand properly was Esk, but she was still flapping and making weird noises signaling her incompatibility*. The cleaning staff** turned its head, and then went back to work.
"Okay," said Mustrum Ridcully, "New plan."
_____
*Sort of like when you stick a Mac-formatted disk into a PC.
**The cleaning BROOM had caught fire the previous week.
* * *
"What the hell-" said Ptroleus, but Uyidako had already grabbed him and Rincewind and were pushing them out the hole and onto the top of the suit.
"What is happening?" said Rincewind.
"It is the Rice Worm," said Uyidako, "We must get to highest ground, that we must."
The group gathered on top of the upturned shoulder, and watched something in the paddy attack the suit. It looked like a giant tadpole, and where it was the muddy water of the paddy was darker. Rincewind did a quick check, and decided that it was as long as the Walking Suit. He gulped.
"Antimony, reload the Thunder Clay Arrows," barked Ptroleus to the marine who had been standing guard on top of the shoulder since the suit had toppled.
"Reloaded, sir."
"FIRE!" The bow went gattlegattlegattlegattle and after a few explosions the worm turned around. Rincewind breathed a sigh of relief. The worm did a U-turn and came back toward the front of the toppled suit and jumped out of the water and over it. It was easily forty feet long and a dark, slimy black. It was the biggest eel Rincewind had ever seen. It had teeth five feet long, and Rincewind felt it eyeing him before it splashed down in the paddy on the other side and flashed off into the distance.
"Good gods," said one of the other marines.
"Well, it's gone now said Ptroleus.
"Wrong," said Rincewind.
The worm thundered back again. It slammed into the side of the suit so hard Ptroleus fell down and almost off the side. Antimony fired off the Gattle Bow. There was another thud and it slid backwards off the suit and into the water.
"What do we do!" Shouted Rincewind to Uyidako.
"We are either rescued or die."
"We can't drive it off ourselves?"
"No. We would need the Magnesium Rockets-" A bright, gooey red light flashed over their heads and landed in the water next to the eel. There was an explosion. The eel reared in the water one last time and fled in a straight line from the suit.
"Did I get him?" Rincewind looked down. There was a tall bronzed-looking man in the boat. At first Rincewind thought he was Ephebian, but his features were Auriental.
"Here comes trouble," said Ptroleus under his breath.
"Xu Chu!" exclaimed Uyidako, and for the first time since he met her, Rincewind realized she might actually be happy to see someone.
"Uyidako!" He jumped out of his boat and clambered up the side of the suit with ease. They embraced.
"You saved us!" She hugged him tighter. "And we brought down a Walking Suit!"
"So I see." He smiled. "How did you do it?"
"Well, I was in Unseen University one minute, and the next minute I'm inside the thing and moving so fast that when I hit the guy inside it I knocked him out," said Leonard in approximate Agatean, who, up until then, has been making documenting the anatomy of the Rice Worm and how its structure could be adapted to mince carrots at high speeds.
"I have heard of the Unseen University," said Xu Chu. "They study magic there, and must have sent you here by mistake." He noticed Rincewind for the first time.
"And you?"
"This is Rincewind," said Uyidako, cutting in. "He may, possibly, be the Savior of the Prophesy. He arrived magically in the town square and IMMEDIATELY informed us he was NOT the Great Wizard." For the first Time Xu Chu looked slightly angry, but it lasted only a minute, and then he smiled brightly and Rincewind.
"Who knows," he said. "Come, let us go back to the village for celebration." He put his arm around Uyidako, and the group started back towards Switch' Off.
And, for some reason he couldn't quite recognize, Rincewind wanted Xu Chu to take his arm away from Uyidako.
* * *
"But I can't possibly borrow the mind of THAT," said Eskarina. "It's impossible!"
"I'm not asking you to borrow the mind of it," said Mustrum Ridcully, "I'll want to cooperate." He walked down the hall and opened the door to the Hex Lair.
"All right," he said, "Come out, luggage on legs! I know you're- Bursar!"
The luggage, which had slept through the entire event so far had now woken up. The Bursar had been left behind to finish his gourd. The luggage was now on its back and the Bursar was scratching its stomach.
"Hello. Fine day for frying mousetraps, wouldn't you say?"
"Luggage!" said Ridcully, who had long ago abandoned communication efforts with the Bursar, "We need you to help us." Nothing happened. "We know where Rincewind is."
The Luggage emitted something of a sigh, rolled over, stood up, and walked over to Ridcully.
"Wonderful. Let's g-"
Ridcully had spun around and in the doorway was the palace aide he recognized as Drumknott.
"Oh. Hi."
"Okay, Mr. Ridcully, it's been six hours and the Patrician wants da Quirm back or else."
* * *
In Pseudoagatea, the sun was going down. Ptroleus turned to Rincewind.
"I still don't entirely trust you- nothing personal- so why don't we finish our guided tour of the city and leave those two alone." He gave the happy couple an angry look.
"You don't like them?" asked Rincewind in a tentative voice.
"I don't like HIM. He's the luckiest person I've ever met. He never has any problems, he fell in love with Uyidako the minute he showed up here-"
"Whaa!" Rincewind was trying to come of shock and made a strangled noise. "I mean, when did he get here?"
"Bout two months ago. He just showed up. Nice fellow, really, but there's something about you just want to hit over the head with a shovel."
"I know what you mean."
"What was that noise you made for anyway?"
"It's a long story. Do you believe in curses?"
* * *
"You HIT a PALACE AIDE!" shouted the Senior Wrangler, who was a beet color, "We are going to BE KILLED!"
"Whaa," said Drumknott, who had been hit twice with Ridcully's staff and wasn't in much of a position to say anything else.
"Relax. I have a plan."
"Which is?"
"We get in the Luggage and tell it to find Rincewind."
"Good Gods."
* * *
"Shitty gods," remarked Ptroleus. "Did all that stuff really happen to you?"
"Yeah. I might have left out the part where I gave Eric's parrot to the Ponce da Quirm-"
"No, I can't say I remember that-"
"But it's all true."
