The training with the Orange Agents had ended about two hours ago*, and
Rincewind went to see Ptroleus. The rest of the country seemed like it was
falling apart anyway. He found him on the docks near where the first strike
in which they had captured the Walking Suit had been. Rincewind noticed it
was no longer there. Funny, that. The late had an average depth of about
six feet, which ensured that no major navel battles were going to be held
there, and the boats that DID exist were long, shallow gondola-like things
that were-
-Currently being plated with what looked like corrugated iron.
_____
*After totaling the laundry building in what was later referred to as the Zipper Raid.
_____
What the hells?
"Ptroleus?"
"Hm?" The marine, who had been overseeing the plating of one called- Rincewind looked at the side and translated the Pseudoagatean characters (which where similar to Agatean characters)- the Haddox.
"What is this?"
"Oh. Leonard of Quirm left me this handy little note that said we could reinforce these things with iron and make them stronger. I've never seen anything like it. I think this could delay our inevitable destruction."
"WHAT?"
"Oh, didn't you hear? We've intercepted what they're calling the Zuckerman Semaphore. Sonar Zuckerman caught it when he was checking to see if anything had come in for us; the semaphore operators here don't leave their towers if they can help it." He looked glum. "The Tsortians and the Agateans and the other half of this ruined country have all ganged up and are going to pull out all the stops on our account. Kind of interesting, really. These countries are all going to a great deal of trouble to make sure we die. I don't think I've even had anyone go to these lengths to do something to me." He cheered up. "BUT, with Ephebean Fire and these armor plated boats and those rocket arrays they're preparing back in town and all that good stuff, maybe we can pull it off and live."
"What would we need to do to pull it off?"
"Well. Lessee, you'd have to" he began counting on his fingers "take back the rest of this island, sink most of the incoming fleet, waste about a third or so of their troops and, if you really wanted to get the message across, you'd do it all in one battle."
"But we couldn't possibly do that."
"Sure you could!" It was Leonard of Quirm, who walked up behind them with no warning and clapped them both heartily on the back, which caused Rincewind to instinctively curl up into a little ball. "I've finished modification on the Walking Suit, and I've hidden it where no one can find it."
"Where?"
"I . . . damn it. Oh well, when you need it, just yell into this little thing." He handed a pocket watch to Ptroleus. "You just need to yell into this and it will come. One of your Orange Agents made it at my request."
He walked off.
*
Two hundred miles off the coast, a flotilla was bearing down on them. It had enough ships to ensure that even if they lost, there was going to be an artificial island made out of the wrecks for some time to come. They hailed from Tsort and the Agatean Empire and Widdershins Pseudoagatea. There were several hundred of them. And, on one of them, Mustrum Ridcully was just about to snap.
He and the other wizards, as well as Drumknott, were chained to the wall of the hold of a mass-produced boat called B-9.
"Who told that thing WHERE in Pseudo-bloody-agatea we were going?"
Ponder started in. "I-"
"DON'T TALK. I'm working up a rant here. You have doomed us all and precipitated a WAR between these . . . PEOPLE and Ankh-Morpork."
"Actually, sir, I can contact the university and-"
"No you can't. They're too far away, and besides-"
A voice in Ponder's pant's pocket spoke up. It had a hissing, crackling tone to it.
"Is anyone there? All I'm seeing is red."
"That's my robe," said Ponder, who jerked his hip. His shatterproof crystal ball came flying out and bounced to the other side.
"Hi. This is Victor Tugelbend."
"I though we threw you out!" shouted Ridcully.
"Actually, no. I missed the day of the exam and came back. Sorry about that. Anyway, I've been trying to reach you for hours. The signal was jammed."
"Oh, that's probably just the shielding effect of TWO TONS OF SWORDS IN THE NEXT HOLD," said Drumknott with a hint of panic in his voice.
"Well, we were brought over here, but they took our luggage on legs and threw it over the side chained to the spare anchor when they picked us up and it tried to kill them. They were not happy."
"Luggage on legs?"
"Yes. Long story."
"Ah. Anyway, do you know any sort of weapon that gives off thousands of Thaums?"
"No. Why?"
"Well, this glider left this morning with this big iron egg strapped to the bottom of it, and we all watched it take off and I had a bag of Magic Malt Balls in my pocket and they MELTED."
"So?"
"It's cloudy here. Anyway, this had never happened before, so I bought another bag and put them next to lumps of Octiron, and none of them even came CLOSE to melting them as fast as whatever this thing was. There had to be, and I've checked with Hex here, FIVE TONS of Octiron on that thing."
"Hm."
"It sounds like, well, quite frankly, your Thaumic Bomb."
There was an appropriate pause. "You mean, someone BUILT ONE?"
"Seems that way. They had this huge glider being towed behind a Pointless Albatross. It was pretty neat, I gotta tell you." He remembered that Ridcully was watching, and put on a more appropriate air. "So, I though you should know. Where are you anyway?"
"Pseudoagatea." Ponder's face was almost impossibly pale. "I think they're coming to Thaum Bomb US."
*
R&R
-Currently being plated with what looked like corrugated iron.
_____
*After totaling the laundry building in what was later referred to as the Zipper Raid.
_____
What the hells?
"Ptroleus?"
"Hm?" The marine, who had been overseeing the plating of one called- Rincewind looked at the side and translated the Pseudoagatean characters (which where similar to Agatean characters)- the Haddox.
"What is this?"
"Oh. Leonard of Quirm left me this handy little note that said we could reinforce these things with iron and make them stronger. I've never seen anything like it. I think this could delay our inevitable destruction."
"WHAT?"
"Oh, didn't you hear? We've intercepted what they're calling the Zuckerman Semaphore. Sonar Zuckerman caught it when he was checking to see if anything had come in for us; the semaphore operators here don't leave their towers if they can help it." He looked glum. "The Tsortians and the Agateans and the other half of this ruined country have all ganged up and are going to pull out all the stops on our account. Kind of interesting, really. These countries are all going to a great deal of trouble to make sure we die. I don't think I've even had anyone go to these lengths to do something to me." He cheered up. "BUT, with Ephebean Fire and these armor plated boats and those rocket arrays they're preparing back in town and all that good stuff, maybe we can pull it off and live."
"What would we need to do to pull it off?"
"Well. Lessee, you'd have to" he began counting on his fingers "take back the rest of this island, sink most of the incoming fleet, waste about a third or so of their troops and, if you really wanted to get the message across, you'd do it all in one battle."
"But we couldn't possibly do that."
"Sure you could!" It was Leonard of Quirm, who walked up behind them with no warning and clapped them both heartily on the back, which caused Rincewind to instinctively curl up into a little ball. "I've finished modification on the Walking Suit, and I've hidden it where no one can find it."
"Where?"
"I . . . damn it. Oh well, when you need it, just yell into this little thing." He handed a pocket watch to Ptroleus. "You just need to yell into this and it will come. One of your Orange Agents made it at my request."
He walked off.
*
Two hundred miles off the coast, a flotilla was bearing down on them. It had enough ships to ensure that even if they lost, there was going to be an artificial island made out of the wrecks for some time to come. They hailed from Tsort and the Agatean Empire and Widdershins Pseudoagatea. There were several hundred of them. And, on one of them, Mustrum Ridcully was just about to snap.
He and the other wizards, as well as Drumknott, were chained to the wall of the hold of a mass-produced boat called B-9.
"Who told that thing WHERE in Pseudo-bloody-agatea we were going?"
Ponder started in. "I-"
"DON'T TALK. I'm working up a rant here. You have doomed us all and precipitated a WAR between these . . . PEOPLE and Ankh-Morpork."
"Actually, sir, I can contact the university and-"
"No you can't. They're too far away, and besides-"
A voice in Ponder's pant's pocket spoke up. It had a hissing, crackling tone to it.
"Is anyone there? All I'm seeing is red."
"That's my robe," said Ponder, who jerked his hip. His shatterproof crystal ball came flying out and bounced to the other side.
"Hi. This is Victor Tugelbend."
"I though we threw you out!" shouted Ridcully.
"Actually, no. I missed the day of the exam and came back. Sorry about that. Anyway, I've been trying to reach you for hours. The signal was jammed."
"Oh, that's probably just the shielding effect of TWO TONS OF SWORDS IN THE NEXT HOLD," said Drumknott with a hint of panic in his voice.
"Well, we were brought over here, but they took our luggage on legs and threw it over the side chained to the spare anchor when they picked us up and it tried to kill them. They were not happy."
"Luggage on legs?"
"Yes. Long story."
"Ah. Anyway, do you know any sort of weapon that gives off thousands of Thaums?"
"No. Why?"
"Well, this glider left this morning with this big iron egg strapped to the bottom of it, and we all watched it take off and I had a bag of Magic Malt Balls in my pocket and they MELTED."
"So?"
"It's cloudy here. Anyway, this had never happened before, so I bought another bag and put them next to lumps of Octiron, and none of them even came CLOSE to melting them as fast as whatever this thing was. There had to be, and I've checked with Hex here, FIVE TONS of Octiron on that thing."
"Hm."
"It sounds like, well, quite frankly, your Thaumic Bomb."
There was an appropriate pause. "You mean, someone BUILT ONE?"
"Seems that way. They had this huge glider being towed behind a Pointless Albatross. It was pretty neat, I gotta tell you." He remembered that Ridcully was watching, and put on a more appropriate air. "So, I though you should know. Where are you anyway?"
"Pseudoagatea." Ponder's face was almost impossibly pale. "I think they're coming to Thaum Bomb US."
*
R&R
