By: Did I say I'd retype the list of authors this chapter? *long sigh* Ok, here goes…
Triad Orion, Midnight C, Akiko, Elena, Griffinkhan, Jupiter Sprite, Feonyx, Shiro Amayagi, Yoshimi Takahashi, Kadevi, heatherthegreatone, Azusasan, Village Idiot and myself, Vilya. And if I've forgotten you, feel free to shout at me.
P/N: This is what happens when Griff reads too much Terry Pratchett and plays too much Golden Sun all at the same time. You've been warned. Other that that it's hilarious! ENJOY!!!
Many thanks to all reviewers of Yoshimi's chapter!!
*****
This
is a story about one of the most feared people in Weyard. However, it is not
about Saturos or Menardi, nor Karst or Agatio. It is not about Babi or the
Alhalfran Mayor. It is not about the Wise One. It is not about Alex. It is not
even about that idiot Conservato.
This story is about
Kraden.
Yes, Kraden.
He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named-For-Fear-He-Will-Turn-Up-And-Start-Lecturing-About-Alchemy-And/Or-Turnips.
The most annoying person on the planet. Death count- 5 random villagers and a
llama, all bored to death. We all know him. We all fear his power.
Nevertheless, even a boring, scholarly creature such as he is shrouded by
mysterious, unanswered questions that it would do not bringing up within a
hundred miles of him because he would start researching them. Questions such
as- How did he become so annoying? Was he born that way? Or did some traumatic
event in his childhood create the geezer we know today?
No one knew- until
now.
We, because we were
bored and felt like referring to ourselves in the plural, have compiled this
exclusive documentary story of Kraden's origins for your enlightenment and
reading displeasure. It follows his life from his boyhood years to the fateful
day he arrived in a little village called Vale. But be warned- It is boring. It
is frightening. It may scar you for life. However, the best way to conquer fear
is to learn about it, and by discovering what created Kraden, we may be able to
prevent another like him from ever appearing again.
Read on, if you
dare.
----------------------------------------------
KRADEN: RISE OF ANNOYANCE
by Griffinkhan
-----------
"Yes, he's terribly irritating. You're quite right, Felix."
--Kraden, describing the Alhalfran Mayor.
----
1: THE BOY WHO WAS ANNOYING
Kraden
had always been a precocious child. Ever since his birth, his difference from
other children was readily apparent. Perhaps it was the fact that he was born
wearing wire-framed spectacles, or that by the age of two days he was already
reading the newspaper. Whatever the case, Kraden was different, and he knew it.
He was a Scholar, one of the strange race that grow up to become old men that
spend their time perusing boring scientific tomes and performing experiments.
Kraden was destined for knowledge, and he immediately began reading anything he
could get his tiny infant hands on to pursue this lofty goal.
Unfortunately for
the young Kraden, reading was not much encouraged in his hometown of Ook, a tiny
village in the western Angaran mountains. His mother, a housewife, and father,
a goatherd, were both illiterate and proud of it. They only subscribed to the
newspaper because it made good fuel for the fire. Their sentiments were shared
by most of the townsfolk, meaning that young Kraden's literacy was received
with little enthusiasm. The young scholar was treated as just another mouth to
feed, albeit a rather annoying one By the age of fourteen months, at which time
he had read every survival guide in the crumbling public library and was deemed
capable of fending for himself, the future scholar was sent out of his home to
tend the goats.
Goat herding was
the major occupation of Ook. Every young boy was expected to follow his
father's example and become a herder. Kraden was no exception. Every day, from
nine to five, the young Kraden was up in the pasture, holding a shepherd's
staff and watching the billy goats that stood at least five feet taller than him
eat clover. It was thoroughly boring. After a while, Kraden decided not to let
this time go to waste. He started to bring books to the pasture and read aloud
to the goats. They were a very attentive audience.
Kraden read all the
books the dusty, long-neglected village library had to offer, and a few that it
didn't. When he finished reading every scrap of written material in the town,
he read it all again and memorized it. By the age of two, he could recite
Newton's Principia Mathematica in its entirety. In the original Latin.
Backwards.
When Kraden was
three, the problems began.
It started when
Kraden began spouting his newfound knowledge to the other villagers. If someone
was going to get a bucket of water, he told him or her the exact number of
steps they had to take to reach the well in the shortest amount of time. If
someone asked him about the weather, he would go into a lengthy discussion
about cumulonimbus clouds and their usefulness in weather predicting. If his
mother was fixing dinner, he would make suggestions to improve her efficiency
and attempt to experiment with different spices. In short, he got on the town's
nerves.
However, it was
when Kraden suggested altering the goat-herding process that people became
really angry. For centuries, every male in the village herded goats, and every
female cooked and cleaned. They ate the goats for food, drank goats milk, made
goat cheese, and sold the surplus to other villages for extra necessities. This
was the tradition, and Kraden did not think it a good practice.
"Father,"
the boy said one day as he and the man were walking up to the goat pasture,
"Have you ever considered switching to sheep?"
"Sheep?"
his father replied incredulously. "What th' heck are you talkin' 'bout,
boy?"
"I mean,"
Kraden continued pleasantly, "There is much greater market potential for
sheep wool than goat wool. And sheep can produce milk too, you know. I was
reading about successful sheep-milking techniques in one of the library books.
Moreover, lamb is a popular meal among the wealthy these days. Our village
could increase its revenue intake by 43% by switching to the sheep
market."
The goatherd,
however, had not comprehended a word the young boy said beyond, 'switch to
sheep.' His son had just said the unthinkable. He had criticized the noble
art of goat-herding!
Something had
to be done. Kraden's father immediately turned back to the village and called
the town council together.
"This
boy," he said, pointing at Kraden, who was chattering about the water
cycle to a passing butterfly. "This boy had th' audacity t' denounce our
ancient practice of goat-herdin'!"
Whispers broke out
among the council members, partially because of the revelation and partially
because they weren't quite sure what 'audacity' and 'denounce' meant. It seemed
that Kraden's rather extensive vocabulary was contagious, and his father had
been infected.
"He suggested
tha' we should switch t' sheep instead!" continued the young scholar's
parent. "Furthahmore, he is pollutin' our village with his foreign ideas
an' lengthy dialogue! See, even ah'm usin' words with more'n six lettahs
now!"
The villagers
nodded their assent. "Heah, heah!"
"Yeah!"
cried a peasant in the back row. "Las' week, ah actuallee described th'
weatha as 'partly cloudy with a chance of showers'!"
The mutterings
among the townsfolk grew louder still. There were murmurs of 'witchcraft' and
'bonfire' among them.
"Wha' should
we do about 'im?" asked one of the more sensible elders of the town.
"He's a
witch!" a housewife called. "What else could'ee be?"
"Yes! A witch!
Burn him!" cried the villagers. "Burn him!"
Kraden looked up at
this, as the noise had frightened the butterfly off. "I believe that
witches are normally females," he remarked. "A male possessing
magical powers would be one of the following- warlock, wizard, sorcerer,
magician, alchemist, shaman, diviner, enchanter, soothsayer, seer, mystic,
prophet, wise man, conjurer, charmer, theurgist, witch doctor, medicine man,
mage--"
The villagers
covered their ears as Kraden slipped into Thesaurus mode. "See! See! 'Ee's
trying t' edumucate us! 'Ee's a witch!"
"There is one
sure way t' see if he is a witch," said the sensible elder sternly.
"We must perform-I mean, do-- The Test of th' Goat!"
"The Test of
th' Goat! The Test of th' Goat!" the villagers cried.
Meanwhile, on the
sidelines of the proceedings, a stranger with graying hair and a long cloak
leaned over to one of the townsfolk. "What is the Test of the Goat?"
he asked.
"If th' boy
weighs th' same as a goat, then he's a witch!" the excited villager
stated.
"It is
physically impossible for a child of my stature to weigh the same amount as a
fully-grown mountain goat," Kraden said, overhearing the conversation. He
did not appear in the least concerned about his proposed burning. In fact, he
seemed to think it a fascinating learning opportunity. The stranger watched the
boy appraisingly, as the villagers brought in a billy goat and placed it on one
side of a set of enormous scales.
"It would be
much more efficient to weigh objects using a more precise scale," Kraden
prattled as the townsfolk lifted him onto the other side of the balance.
"This one is extremely crude and not very accurate. If you would allow me
to look at it for a few minutes, I am sure I could devise a better
system--"
A man kicked the
supports away, and the scales began to swing. The villagers watched it for a
moment, then groaned when they showed that clearly, Kraden weighed much more
than the goat.
"What're we
gonna do now?" the peasant in the back row said.
"Get a
different goat?" someone suggested. Several people nodded approvingly.
"Well, we 'ave
t' do something!" Kraden's father said. "'E can't stay in our
village!"
It was at this
moment that the stranger decided to act. Stepping up to the front of the group,
he addressed the crowd.
"Good people
of Ook," he began. "My name is Babi. I am the ruler of the great city
of Tolbi."
"Toll-bee?"
an old lady asked. "Wha's that?"
"It is a large
city, on the other side of the mountains." Babi answered. "One of the
most famous in the land, I might add."
"Never 'eard
of it," the woman grumbled.
"Most in Tolbi
have never heard of Ook, dear lady, so we're even." Babi conceded.
"But that is not the point. What is is that I believe I have a
solution to your dilemma."
"Our
wha'?" the peasant in the back row asked, scratching his head.
Kraden, who had
been quietly observing how long an ant could survive after being squashed, piped
up, "Dilemma- a problem, quandary, enigma, question, issue, doubt,
predicament, obstacle, perplexity--"
"Yes, yes, I
think they get the point." Babi interrupted. "Anyway, I have an
answer for you. I shall take this boy with me to Tolbi, and you won't have to
worry about him anymore."
"Wha's the
catch?" Kraden's father asked, glaring at the stranger with suspicion.
"Nothing, my
dear fellow," Babi smiled disarmingly, "However... I could do with a
bit of your fabulous goatsmilk cheese..."
"Done."
The goatherd shook Babi's hand. He then turned to Kraden. "Goodbye, son,
an' good riddance. Try not t' annoy these Toll-bee folks t' death..."
It was in this
manner that Kraden came under the employ of Lord Babi of Tolbi. Though it was a
simple matter of survival to the villagers, unwittingly their giving of this
young boy to the ruler of the biggest city-state in Angara set in motion a
chain of events that would end in the rise of the most annoying scholar ever to
study Weyard's soil composition- Kraden.
2: I WAS A TEENAGE SCHOLAR
Tolbi.
City of Colosso. The crime capital of the world (well, excluding Lunpa, of
course.) It was the perfect place to go if you wanted to learn, which,
obviously, Kraden did. Babi took the toddler scholar to the palace, where he
was enrolled in the Tolbi Alchemy Research Institute under the tutelage of the
head alchemist, a man by the name of Dr. Einstone. Despite his young age,
Kraden learned quickly, and at the age of fourteen he became the youngest fully
trained scientist in the Institute.
Life in Tolbi was
much different from life in Ook. For one thing, there was not a single goat in
sight, for which Kraden was exceedingly glad. He had developed a violent phobia
to the creatures. For another, there were many, many more people here, some of
whom actually knew how to read. Kraden was overjoyed at this discovery,
and spent a large amount of his time at the Library of Tolbi, which contained a
copy of every book ever printed in Angara. He held long, technical
conversations with the librarians, and found to his delight a few knew more
about Alchemy than he did. Days for Kraden now were filled with Alchemy
experiments in the morning, research at the library in the afternoon, and then
some more experimentation in the evening before taking a short (and in Kraden's
opinion, completely unnecessary) break for sleep and starting the cycle all
over again the following day. It was a simple and pleasant life, and it suited
Kraden perfectly.
Just because he was
obsessed with science didn't mean Kraden didn't know how to have fun, however.
Once a month, the young scholar would participate in the Institute's Jeopardy!™
competition. With categories like "Theories on Alchemy", "The
Periodic Table", "Name That Formula!" and "Words that Rhyme
with Orange", this game was all the rage among the younger staff members.
Kraden soon shot to the top of the contest with his alchemiac knowledge,
although he did have a tendency to ramble when giving the answer. On one
memorable night, "The formula for table salt" prompted Kraden's
infamous answer 'What is NaCl3, which reminds me of my great-aunt Sally Nac who
lived in the next town over from ours and owned a goat named Joe who loved to
eat salt but this was a problem because he was actually allergic to it
and--" The scholar continued rambling for twenty-five hours, finally
finishing with the statement- "And that's why apricots are considered
weapons of mass destruction."* No one knows exactly how he managed to
arrive at apricots from table salt, as all eyewitnesses fell asleep somewhere
around the second sentence.
But the Jeopardy!™
hall was the place of another momentous development in young Kraden's life. It
was here that he met Eleanor Smith, the woman destined to be the only thing
able to capture his heart apart from a good Calculus textbook. Eleanor was a
lab assistant to one of the junior scientists, and loved Jeopardy!™. She and
Kraden met when they competed in a head-to-head championship tournament.
Amazingly enough, Eleanor knew just as much about Alchemy as Kraden did, and
managed to defeat him after a day-long battle when she recited a 100,000 page
ancient Lemurian essay from memory during Final Jeopardy!™. It was in that
moment, when Kraden looked over at Eleanor holding the glittering Champion's
Trophy, her hair taking on the same shimmer as the molecular composition of the
gold, that he knew...knew... he had left the burner on in Dr.
Einstone's laboratory. He heard a distant explosion that heralded the
building's collapse, but he did not care, for he was in love.
Well, actually, he
did care.
Kraden jumped to
his feet and dashed towards the door, throwing Eleanor one last, longing glance
before heading off to rescue his precious Alchemy experiments from the burning
building.
Fortunately, the Alchemy
Encyclopaedia that had been stored in the lab had only suffered minor
burns, and Dr. Einstone and Kraden moved into the secondary laboratory next
door, which, by some fortunate coincidence, happened to be where Eleanor
worked. Now the two young scientists saw each other every day, meeting over
bubbling vats of liquid and test tubes of colored water. Eleanor and Kraden
soon became good friends, often meeting to discuss difficult Alchemiac theories
or the price of tea in Xian.
By the time the two
scholars were eighteen, they were acknowledged as the top researchers in the
Institute. As a team, they were unbeatable. It was thanks to their ingenuity
and a few fortunate accidents in the course of their Alchemiac research that
the Angaran public received such remarkable innovations as porcelain, super
glue, and income tax returns. Their fame rose among the scientific circles and
even reached the ear of Babi himself. At the age of nineteen, Kraden was made
head scientist of the Institute, replacing the elderly Dr. Einstone, who had
retired after an unfortunate incident with a rabid lab mouse and an inflatable
rubber chicken.
Naturally, Eleanor
was chosen to be Kraden's assistant. Actually, she was more the head of the
Institute than Kraden was. While he puttered away with volatile chemicals in
the laboratory, Eleanor did the paperwork, filed for patents, went to meetings,
conducted extra research, directed the day-to-day activities of the facility,
and reminded the forgetful scholar of his dentist's appointments. It was
somewhere during the course of these duties that Eleanor fell madly in love
with Kraden. (We have no idea why. She has pretty stupid tastes in men, if you
ask us.)
Nevertheless, she
did fall in love, although she was too shy to tell this to Kraden. He was
already in love with her, as we know... well, whenever he wasn't in love with
his textbooks, that is. He went through phases. Anyway, Eleanor Smith and
Kraden... err, well, he doesn't have a last name... were both deeply in love,
but neither knew the other's feelings. And of course, we all know what's going
to happen next...
3: LOVE: ALCHEMY OF THE HEART
One
day in Spring, Eleanor was walking along the corridor near the laboratories. It
was a beautiful early March morning. The birds were singing, the sky was
baby-blue, the breeze was blowing, and there wasn't a cloud in sight. It was the
perfect day for being outside... so, of course, Kraden wasn't.
He was sitting in
his laboratory as usual, puttering about with hydrochloric acid and a few other
materials that Eleanor was sure shouldn't be mixed. Kraden was so completely
engrossed in his work that he didn't even notice Eleanor watching him. His
spectacles slipped down the bridge of his nose and his black hair fell into his
bright blue eyes. Eleanor thought he must be the most handsome man on Weyard.
(You must remember that this poor girl has never met Picard.)
Eleanor decided
that she could not wait any longer. She had to tell Kraden how she felt, now.
Throwing caution to the prevailing westerly wind currents, she tiptoed up
behind Kraden and just as he set the vial of explosive chemicals back on the
table, spun him around. For a second, their eyes locked together and then
Eleanor leaned forward, her lips brushing against Kraden's--
Kraden, naturally,
was rather pleased at this abrupt turn of events. Nevertheless he was also
rather startled by having his assistant suddenly rush in and start to kiss him.
Because of this, Kraden accidentally leaned backwards out of sheer shock when
their lips met, causing the vial of chemicals behind him to skid across the marble
countertop and shatter on the floor. There was a violent explosion. Neither of
the scholars paid it much heed, however, as they were absorbed in other things
at the moment. Their kiss lasted for two whole minutes, until Kraden noticed
the fascinating reaction the spilled chemicals were having. He quickly broke
apart, mumbling something about scientific breakthroughs under his breath.
Ah, well,
Eleanor thought as Kraden observed the charred, bubbling section of floor
tiling with growing excitement, I suppose it's a start...
Eleanor was quite
right. Over the years that followed, the pair of young scholars grew even
closer. Eventually, Kraden proposed, in a memorable scene that involved blowing
Babi Palace to smithereens. At the age of twenty-two, Kraden and Eleanor were
married by Babi, who had forgiven Kraden for the palace's demolition after the
scholar had presented him with the invention of Kleenex. The city celebrated
the marriage and the obsoleteness of pocket-handkerchiefs with a huge festival,
rivaling even Colosso in size. Everyone in Tolbi was happy that day- except, of
course, the pocket-handkerchiefs.
Kraden and Eleanor
moved into a lovely little cottage on the Karagol, complete with laboratory and
bomb shelter. They lived there happily for several years, inventing things and
researching alchemy. When the happy couple were married seven years, they
celebrated the birth of their first child, a healthy baby boy.
"What shall we
name him?" Eleanor asked her husband, as she lay in her bed at Tolbi
Hospital, cradling the newborn in her arms.
Kraden thought for
a moment. "Iodine," he said proudly. "After my favorite
chemical."
Eleanor looked
skeptical. "Are you sure, Kraden? That's not a very... er... common
name..."
"All the
better!" Kraden said cheerfully. Eleanor sighed and shook her head.
"All right...
if you say so..."
Life
continued on as normal after the birth of baby Iodine Emmett Kraden, or as
normal as life could ever be whenever the young boy's father was involved.
Inventions were made, villagers were annoyed, and alchemical breakthroughs were
discovered. Kraden's fame spread throughout the land, finally reaching the ears
of very distant persons.
"Kraden,"
Eleanor said one morning, going through the mail. "There's a letter here
for you. Are you going to open it?"
"Mmm..."
Kraden answered, bent over his charts with pencil in hand. "Not now,
Eleanor, I'm busy."
Eleanor sighed in
exasperation. "You're always busy, Kraden. Morning, noon, and
night, you're working on some stupid Alchemy experiment or other. Do you
realize that we haven't even slept in the same bed once since we got married
because you're always pulling extra hours at the lab?"
This caught
Kraden's attention. "Then where did Iodine come from?" he asked,
looking startled.
"He was a test
tube baby!"
"Oh."
Kraden answered, looking puzzled for a moment before returning to his charts.
"That's nice, dear."
Eleanor sighed and
stuck the letter under Kraden's nose. "Are you going to open it or not?!
It looks important."
Kraden reluctantly
took the envelope and ripped it open. Inside was a very official looking
envelope. "Dear Mr. Kraden..." he read. "You are invited to be a
participant in the first annual Universe's Most Annoying Character Competition.
The competition will be held on Saturday in the Tolbi Exhibition Hall. We hope
you can come. Sincerely, Joe S. Randomguy, Competition Coordinator."
"That sounds
interesting," Eleanor said. "You should go, Kraden."
"Mmm..."
"Kraden, are
you even listening to me?"
Eleanor eventually
managed to tear Kraden away from his experiments, and sent him off that
Saturday to the competition. Characters had assembled from far and wide,
comprising a vast variety of genders, genres, and species. Strangely enough for
such a large event, no reporters were in sight, having all been scared off by
the collection of annoying characters from every literary work known to
mankind. (Well, there was one reporter at the convention, but Rita Skeeter was
a contestant and so really can't be counted.)
Kraden wandered
among the chattering conventioneers and the colorful display boards, taking in
the sights and sounds. He was especially fascinated by the variety of life that
had attended the gathering, although his attempt to dismantle a gold-colored
robot were not taken too kindly by his subject. Finally, the judging was
announced. Kraden came in third place, behind Navi the Fairy and Jar-Jar Binks.
Still, Kraden felt that the outcome was not too bad, considering that at this
point in his life, he wasn't even in a video game yet.
Babi was most
pleased to hear about Kraden's award as well. He felt it might have potential
as a tourist attraction. The noble conducted an advertising campaign that
boasted that Tolbi was 'The Home Of the Universe's Third Most Annoying Being'.
He was rather confused when, twelve months later, statistics showed that in the
previous year Tolbi had had the least amount of visitors in its history.
Not long
afterwards, he scrapped the promotion campaign.
4: TRAGEDY STRIKES
Up
until this point in time, Kraden's life had been going well. He was respected
as much as it was possible to respect an annoying scholar, had a good job, a
nice home, and a loving family. However, as all readers of fanfiction know, an
idyllic situation like this can only last so long before some author jumps in
and starts causing chaos. Thus was the case for poor Kraden, who had his entire
world ripped from him in one tragic afternoon.
It all began after
the infamous promotion campaign. Babi, realizing that his city's reputation had
taken a startling plummet, decided that something must be done to boost tourist
revenues. Sitting in his office, he doodled absentmindedly on a napkin while
gazing out the window. What they needed was something... thrilling. Something
exciting. Something...
Out of the corner
of his eye he noticed movement outside. Past the window ran Kraden, tailed by a
very irate billy goat. Apparently, the scholar had come upon the creature
during a walk in the country and had immediately panicked. He still had not
overcome his fear of goats from childhood. The goat, taking Kraden's abrupt
departure to mean that he had been up to something, gave chase. The unfortunate
scholar was pursued all the way back to Tolbi, where he happened to pass
underneath the ruler's window.
That's it!
thought Babi as he watched a pair of his guards try to subdue the irate farm
animal. That's what we should do to boost tourism! Hold a big festival where
we let loose some goats and let them chase people! We can call it... the
Running of the Goats!
Once Babi got
an idea lodged in his brain, he did not give it up easily. Within the next day
preparations were being made and goats and tourists were pouring into the city.
Everyone seemed thrilled about the prospect of being chased around by deranged
goats... except Kraden. When he heard the news, he promptly jumped under the
bed. It took Eleanor twelve hours to get him to come out again, and that was
only after threatening to burn his alchemy books. Therefore, when the female
scholar announced her intention the next day of visiting the festival, her
husband's reaction was predictable.
"Noooooo!"
Kraden yelped, latching onto Eleanor's leg to prevent her from leaving the
house. "You mustn't go! Something awful will happen!"
Eleanor laughed.
"It's just a bunch of goats, Kraden."
"Not just
goats, evil goats! Goats are evil spawn of darkness!"
"Stop being so
dramatic, Kraden." Eleanor said dismissively. "Just because you're a
goatophobic doesn't mean that I can't go out and enjoy the festival. It's
perfectly safe."
Kraden whimpered
pathetically, still clinging to her leg. Eleanor marveled that her husband
seemed to be most aware of the world when he was suffering a mental breakdown.
"It's all
right," she said, patting him on the head soothingly. "I'm only going
to be gone a few hours. Oh, and Iodine's in the day-care center, make sure you
pick him up later this afternoon."
Kraden whimpered
again, but nodded and consented to release his death grip on her legs. Eleanor
blew him a kiss and headed out the door, calling over her shoulder, "I'll
be back before dinner!"
Kraden knew she
wouldn't. Something awful was going to happen to her, he could feel it. He
couldn't just leave his wife to wander among a city of rampaging goats. He must
do something!
Quickly, he ran
into his study, picked up an encyclopedia from off the shelf, and began to
read. It was an involuntary reflex. When Kraden was frightened, he read. It was
how he solved problems. Most of the time, it was a good system, as it was
today. It did not take him long to find the section labeled, "What To Do
If You Wife Is Entering Mortal Danger Involving Farmyard Animals." He
eagerly scanned the page, which detailed instrutions to rectifying his problem.
"Onne. Ye myust
take a pinchee of powdered asphodel root,
and
adde it to a phial of grounde herbal leafes.
Two. Drinkee
the solution. If absoluteley nothinge happens,
then
ye hast brewede it correctly.
Three. Run
after your wife, ye idiot!"
Kraden, being a
true scholar, followed the encyclopedia's instructions exactly. After drinking
the foul-tasting potion, he scurried out the door, following Eleanor's trail
towards the city.
Once he reached the
city, however, he soon became lost in a sea of people. Everyone on Weyard
seemed to have crowded into the city streets, creating jams of monstrous
proportions. Kraden paused in the middle of a particularly packed avenue to
invent traffic law violations, and then caught sight of Eleanor at the other
end of the street. Breaking about five hundred of his newly written laws, he
pushed past the other pedestrians who all seemed to be running in the opposite
direction and headed towards his wife.
The people all
around him jostled past, screaming at the top of their lungs. Kraden paid them
no mind, as he could see Eleanor in the distance, looking at a vendor's display
of textbooks and seemingly oblivious to the yelling crowd. When Kraden was
about ten feet away from his wife, however, he saw something out of the corner
of his eye and suddenly the shouts of the crowd became agonizingly clear in his
ears.
"THE GOAT! THE
GOAT IS COMING!"
Rampaging through
the streets past the shop vendors was an enormous and very angry billy goat. It
was at least twenty times larger than the one that chased Kraden last week and
had flaming red eyes. This was no ordinary goat. This was a goat from hell.
"Eleanor! Look
out!" Kraden cried. His worst fears were being realized. The goat grew
ever closer, trampling revelers and heading strait for the textbook display
where Eleanor stood, transfixed by a wildlife guide.
"ELEANOR!"
Kraden shouted again. The goat was within twenty feet. He could feel its putrid
breath and see the evil gleam in its fiery eyes. It lowered its head, and
charged!
"Kraden?
What--" Eleanor asked, looking up from her book at the very last moment
and seeing her husband racing towards her and screaming at the top of his
lungs. It was the last thing she ever said. A moment later, the goat's horns
hit the stall and thousands upon thousands of heavy hardback alchemy tomes
cascaded over her head.
"NO!
ELEANOR!" Kraden cried in anguish, skidding to a halt and staring at the
mountain of books. One of her hands protruded from beneath the pile, lying limp
and motionless.
The monster goat
wrenched his horns free from the twisted remains of the book vendor's stall and
turned its burning gaze upon Kraden. The scholar stood completely still in the
middle of the road, easy prey for the demented farm animal. The goat smiled a
twisted smile, and approached, horns lowered. Kraden did not move. The goat
prepared to charge.
Then Kraden began
to talk.
He talked about
alchemy. He talked about science. He talked about the world and all its
inhabitants.
He talked about his
life. He talked about his accomplishments. He talked about his dreams and
ambitions.
And most of all, he
talked about Eleanor.
The onslaught of
words hit the goat like a hailstorm of steel swords. It writhed in pain, steam
rising from its nostrils as it attempted to cover its ears with its hooves.
Kraden just kept talking, stepping forwards and continuing to babble with all
his strength. The goat screamed, twitching madly and then, when Kraden launched
into a speech about the properties of Herbs in industrial development it jumped
to its feet and ran, streaking through the Tolbi streets and out of sight. Some
say it drowned itself in the Karagol; others simply maintain it moved to Lama
Temple and became the first ever animal monk.
The fate of the
goat did not matter to Kraden. All he cared about was the pile of books lying
undefended with no owner in sight... oh, yeah, and his wife buried underneath
them.
Kraden ran over to
the stack and began digging through the books, frantically calling out
Eleanor's name. He pulled aside a large and dangerously heavy treatise on
Lunpan politics and saw her. He knew she was dead. She had the same cold empty
look as the lab mice did when he forgot to feed them all week. Still, he
brushed aside the remaining books and cradled her in his arms, checking for
vital signs.
"I'm sorry,
Eleanor..." he said finally, after checking her pulse five times and
finding nothing. "This is all my fault. If I hadn't been chased by that
goat where Babi could observe me, none of this would have happened..." His
voice broke and he stared glumly at the ground, tears beginning to form behind
his glasses. "I've never been a good husband," he admitted. "
I've always been too busy, or too absent-minded... But I promise you, Eleanor,
that I'll never forget you. I promise that I'll take care of Iodine, and that
I'll finish our Alchemy research. I promise you this, Eleanor, I...
Fascinating! What an amazing specimen of scirius carolinensis!"**
Kraden dropped Eleanor's body and leapt up in chase of the furry grey creature,
crying, "Wait! Come back!"
And so our tale of
Kraden's life draws to a close. Eleanor was buried the next day, her headstone
bearing the inscription, 'Eleanor Smith, loving wife of Kraden. How she could
stand him, we'll never know.' Poor baby Iodine, forgotten by his father in the
haste of scientific advancement, was left at the Tolbi Day-care center for
several years until he was discovered by Babi. The Lord of Tolbi, taking pity
on the poor lad, took the first three letters of the boy's first name and the
first two of his middle and renamed him. Babi then took young Iodem under his
wing and trained him as his assistant, a position he holds to this day.
As for Kraden, he
became more withdrawn from the world than ever. Spending hours locked in his
study, he poured all his energy into discovering the secrets of Alchemy. He
grew older and older, finally admitting that his efforts were futile. Babi,
realizing that the search was fruitless, decided that the only thing to do was
to send Kraden to unlock Alchemy himself. So, one bright spring morning when
Kraden was sixty-five years of age, the scholar shouldered a traveling pack and
headed north from the city where he had spent so much of his life. He traversed
Angara, finally arriving at the gates of a small village at the foothills of a
large mountain. The village was called Vale; the mountain, Mt. Aleph.
And the rest, as
you know, is history.
------------------------
*~THE END~*
-------------------------
FOOTNOTES
* It might be interesting to know that not a single apricot has been found in
Weyard to this day, despite the government's insistence that they are being hidden
somewhere.
** Roughly translated, this means, 'Hey, look! A squirrel!'
