By: I'm NOT listing them all again.
P/N: Finally! Triad hath submitted!
Hail: It were about time, ye scoundrel. Arr.
Tinder: Shut up Hail.
Hail: I'll be givin' ye Hail if ye're not about to shut yerself.
Tinder: Windbag. Piratical insolence. …Hothead.
Wow. She can really dish it out. *Watches the Djinn fight* Anyway. Thanks to all the loyal readers and reviewers and…on to Triad's story!!
*****
The Vale Thanksgiving Catastrophe
By: Triad Orion
Author's Notes: Hey there! Now it's my turn! After many ideas and none of them working, I finally caught a breath of inspiration for this long overdue OSP. This one-shot is in honor of the holiday of Thanksgiving! And well, my Thanksgiving blessing is that Vilya hasn't castrated me for all of my delays ((P/N: Don't worry, I've left dear Triad in one piece (SIT!), I've just given him much pizza)). It's been tough to keep up since I got to college, but I'm finally able to deliver! I've adjusted my style a tad for the coming humor fic, so if something seems a little off, it's for comedic effect.
Oh yeah, and a slight spoiler warning for TLA! Don't read if this bugs you!
I hope you all enjoyed this along with your Thanksgiving dinners!
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It was a day like any other, the autumn winds blowing through the recesses of the newly rebuilt Vale. The Adepts' arduous adventure was over, and everything felt right in the world once more. November had finally come, shown by the darkened brown leaves on and falling off the trees. The wind had a slight chill to it, illustrating that Old Man Winter would soon follow. However, this slight bit of foreboding did not stop the sun from shining and the people in Vale from their tasks.
These tasks were primarily food oriented. They involved running around to the produce man, to the bakery, to the butcher; everyone had someplace to go. Their objective was simple enough, though. Everyone was preparing for one of the things Vale was famous for. No, not the Sol Sanctum, Mount Aleph, or the Golden Sun. Those were matters of trivial importance compared to this. It was time once again for Vale's most famous festival: Thanksgiving.
This holiday, more than any out of the year. . . well, except maybe Christmas, was a defining moment for the town. Even with its reconstruction barely just completed, the people demanded the festival, and the mayor was forced to give in. Well, not so much so that he gave in, but rather they twisted his arm about it; a whole quarter inch, too. But that is not what is important for such a time. The important thing was to get the feast ready.
Of course this feast had to be good. It was for the whole town, after all. Naturally the best mashed potatoes, dressing, corn, cranberry sauce, gravy, biscuits, greens, and wine had to be assembled. But all of this paled compared to the almighty and powerful turkey. Ah, the prize turkey always made the finest of meals and was always a joy to roast. Every year, the townsfolk would take the prized turkey, lob its head off, and serve it with all the trimmings.
The only problem in Vale was that no one really wanted to kill the turkey. This always led to the most serious of debates over who would be responsible for slaying the vicious beast. Oh, it's not that anyone was afraid of it tackling them to the ground and trying to peck their eyes out; though that did happen once. It wasn't really a spectacle to behold. Anyway, no one liked doing it, so they held a competition of bravery and strength to determine whoever would do the deed. This task, of daunting and staggering difficulty, was drawing straws.
Now it was only natural that he would draw the short straw. The laws of nature declared this to be certain. Breaking the flow of continuity would be not only destroying the very fabric of time and space, it would actually be convenient! Also the laws of nature required him to use just about every swear word imaginable, including some he just made up on the spot, after the competition was finished. This also got him quite a few licks from the women around him, mostly for using foul language in a public place, though some just hit him for the heck of it. Just his luck; just as nature demanded.
This man, whom the fates always conspired against, was named Garet. He was known to have bad luck, and when he actually had good luck, he found some way to make it so. The big oaf had probably only caught one break in his life; the break being engaged to his childhood crush. However, if you ask any man with half a brain (and this would obviously exclude Garet), this was just as much a liability as it was a bonus. Jenna was a hotheaded, no-nonsense, my-way-or-the-highway kind of girl, and this meant she could easily keep control of our seemingly ill-fated Garet.
Now he had to go explain to her that he was to kill a turkey. This meant he couldn't help her prepare some of her family's famous stuffing like he had promised. As he reached her cottage, he rapped lightly on the door. Quickly the door opened, and Garet was greeted by his fiancée's warm eyes.
"Hello Garet!" Jenna exclaimed happily, hugging him. "I'm glad to see you're here to help! We've enlisted some more help too!" She pointed to a pair of figures sitting happily together on a couch. Garet obviously recognized them. It was hard to miss that huge yellow scarf and that aqua blue hair. They both stood out like a cat at a dog show, really.
"Isaac and Mia, huh?" Garet asked, eyeing Jenna carefully. "Are you sure they won't spend more time kissing than preparing the food?" With this comment, both the Venus and Mercury Adepts blushed profusely and were instantly between Jenna and her fiancée.
"Just what do you mean by that, mister?!" Mia demanded.
"Yeah! It's not like you and Jenna don't play like that all the time. I seem to remember on the way home from Prox you were. . ."
"Isaac," Jenna said sweetly, "I told you never to bring that up again." She shot the Venus Adept her famous (infamous?) death glare that instantly shut his mouth. Jenna was in one of her moods that she didn't want to be trifled with and she warned Isaac that he was about to push the big red button of doom.
"So? Your point being, Romeo?" Garet smirked at Isaac, bending over to meet him at eye level. "You and Mia seem to be a two-for-one deal no matter what; try to separate one, and the other magically finds the other's lips." Crimson flushed both Isaac's and Mia's faces again.
"Garet," Jenna smiled, "Please stop teasing our guests before I have to remove your tongue out of your mouth in a rather unpleasant manner." Oh yeah. Jenna was definitely in one of her sadistic little "I'm going to kill you in your sleep" moods.
"Yes, dear," Garet managed to choke out. Oh, he definitely didn't want to tell her now what had to be done. Still, he had to, lest risking a fate worse than death: the cupboard. "Um, Jenna, there's something I gotta tell you."
"She already knows how much passion burns in your heart, Garet. There is no need to remind her of that right now; just save it for your 'quiet time' together." Isaac laughed, promptly being hit over the head by Mia.
"Jenna said she didn't want to put up with you two fighting," she said to Isaac, who was now rubbing his head.
"Yes, dear," Isaac replied, in an apologetic tone.
"Jenna, what I meant to say was," Garet continued, glaring at his best friend as he spoke, "that I. . . can't help you make stuffing tonight."
Jenna's smile quickly faded into an irritated straight face with eyes no longer warm with love, but rather warm with a desire to maim severely. "And why is that, dearest?" she asked, almost with clenched teeth. "You did promise me you would help."
"Well, the problem is something came up." Garet smiled sheepishly, pressing his two index fingers together meekly.
"I'm listening," she said, not breaking her glowering glare.
"You see, I…lost the competition. You know, the one where the loser has to kill the turkey for the feast. I have to go be doing that now." He chuckled lightly and nervously after that, a light film of sweat beading on his forehead.
"I see." Jenna said, whirling around and turning her back to Garet. "Well," she said, turning her body ninety degrees and then looking at him, "I suppose there's nothing I can do." She sighed. "Thank you for telling me, Garet. Now I won't have to inflict any punishment." Garet sighed and visibly relaxed. He was afraid she would invoke the powers of stabbing with a rusty knife. Needless to say, that power didn't sound fun, and the Mars Adept was glad he escaped unscathed.
"Thanks for understanding, Jenna." Garet replied.
"We'll discuss how you'll make this up to me another time," she mused. That was definitely not good for Garet. "In the meantime, we should get someone to help you. . . Isaac?"
"No way!" was his instant response. "I like stuffing!" Isaac loudly exclaimed, smile beaming on his face. "After all, uh, I promised I'd spend the day with Mia."
"And that's different from any other day how?" Garet asked.
"Um, poetic license?" Isaac shrugged.
"Sorry, Isaac is instrumental to the stuffing process, remember, Jenna?" Mia said. "He's the one who has to do all the hard manual labor."
"That's right, I'd forgotten," Jenna replied. "So, who does that leave?" Jenna got her answer as the door swung open behind Garet, smashing him in the back and sent him reeling forward to the ground.
"Not my fault!" Felix exclaimed as he noticed what he had accidentally done. It took Jenna a total of less than two and a quarter seconds to be in Felix's face, her evil smile beaming to him. "Uh, should I turn and run now?" the elder sibling asked.
"Quite to the contrary, my dear brother," she said, "I'd like to ask for your help."
"Sure, Jenna. What is it?"
"I want you to help Garet with a little project; namely killing the prize turkey." Felix's face went from being of a concerned and guarded caution to downright terror.
"Uh, I just remembered I left something at Isaac's house. Um, later!" Felix said, attempting to dash out of the house. He took about three steps out the door before flying onto his back; Jenna had yanked his long blue scarf like a set of reins and pulled him to the ground. She quickly sat on his chest and glared down at him with two fireball eyes.
"You will be helping Garet or I won't allow you to have any Thanksgiving dinner. Is that clear?" Felix gave off a whimper. Thanksgiving was his favorite holiday of the year, and it was all about to be taken away from him by his insane younger sister. He longed every year for the freshly roasted bird and his family's stuffing; and Jenna was going to deprive him of it! That was just not fair and wrong on so many levels! "Felix," she demanded. "Do we have a deal?"
"Yes, sis." He groaned.
"Good," she said, smiling once more and removing herself from her seat on his chest. He stood and himself off and sighed. Why was it always him who caught the short end of the stick? Well, not always the shortest. That was Garet's stick, but his wasn't much longer. "Now, get going before I put you both in the cupboard." This instantly made both of them perk up and run down the road to escape.
********************
"I can't believe I got dragged into this," Felix pouted, sticking his hands into two of his many, many pockets. "This is so unfair. I wasn't even the bum who drew the short straw."
"I'm right here, Felix," Garet grumbled. "Rub it in my face why don't you?"
"I fully intend to, Garet," Felix grouched as they continued to march to the pen where the turkey was waiting for them. As they approached, they were greeted by the old farmer Gil, who was leaning on a shovel in front of the pen.
"Hey Garet," he said in a voice that resembled a rusty old iron fence. "Where's that Jenna o' yers? He's always a ray of sunshine on a dark day."
"Wow, what hole have you been living in?" Felix asked, in utter disbelief.
"How'd you know I moved into a hole in the ground?!" Gil demanded. A moment later, and after receiving the "okay, now we're dealing with a crazy old man" glare from Garet and Felix, he rebuked. "Um, that is to say, how can I be of service?"
"We're here for the turkey," Garet said. "It's my job to. . ."
"Give it a name?"
"No."
"Play checkers with it?"
"No."
"Sing it a song?"
"NO!"
"Teach it calculus?"
"Well, actually. . ." Garet started, pausing to think for a second before realizing what was going on. "NO! I'm here to kill it for the feast."
"Oh, so you're the loser who has to do it!" Gil responded. Garet and Felix nodded together and approached the pen carefully. "WATCH IT!" Gil shouted. "He's crazy! Crazy like a mongoose!" Felix and Garet both raised an eyebrow, then looked at the fowl. It was big, fat, plump, and very delicious looking, and it stood asleep standing straight up, its head nestled against its plumage. The Adepts gave a glare to Gil, who was making spooky gestures with his hands. "He's mad, I tell you, MAD!"
"Mad and domesticated," Garet grouched. "How tough can one stupid bird be?"
"He's insane, I tell you! Insane! I've raised him since he was nothing but a mere egg and he is one mad bird! I mean, look at the bones!" Gil exclaimed, pointing to a pile of bones in the turkey's pen.
"Those are just old bones from the roast you served last week, Gil. You invited Grandpa and I to the dinner, remember?"
"Irrelevant. He's still madder than Felix when someone hits on his sister!"
"I'm standing right here, you nitwit. And what's that about me being insane?!"
"Well, you weren't exactly the kindest individual when I asked Jenna out for the first time," Garet said, scratching the back of his head, after which he promptly received a death glare from Felix which stopped him cold. It must've ran in the family.
"Nevertheless, it's time for the turkey to meet with the meat cleaver."
"Heh! You made a funny joke, Felix!" Gil giggled.
"Now I see why Jenna punches him so often," Garet remarked. "Do you think that's why he's so stupid?"
"It's a good bet," Felix mumbled. "Come on Garet. Let's leave him to his idiotic rambling." He climbed over the fence and of course, Garet followed like a lamb, leaving Gil to continue his ranting about bones and how mad his turkey was. Felix drew his sword and motioned for Garet to do the same. They both stalked up to the killer beast and prepared to lob its sleeping head off.
"Farewell, turkey!" Garet whispered as he raised his sword into an executioner position. It was at this particular moment that the turkey just happened to wake up. Sensing its impending doom, instead of gazing at Garet stupidly like any normal turkey, it took action. Seizing the moment, it pounced at the Mars Adept and tackled him to the ground, where it proceeded to peck at his face.
"Aaaaaaagh! Evil turkey of the apocalypse!" Garet screamed as he tried to force the turkey off of him.
"Garet!" Felix exclaimed as he lunged at the bird, knocking the bird off his future brother-in-law's chest. Flustered, the bird rose back to its feet and spread its wings and let out a mighty gobble. It now charged at Felix and the startled Venus Adept scarcely jumped out of the way from its charge. However, instead of stopping, the bird jumped clear over the fence of its pen and headed off into the nearby wood.
"What the heck is that thing?!" Garet asked, standing up. While the bird had attacked him, he was unhurt.
"I told you! He's mad!" Gil exclaimed. "And now he's done and run! You better catch him if you expect to get a good eating meal out of him!" Garet and Felix both looked completely stunned. The crazy old bat had been right. That turkey was mad. They both rose and began chasing it into the woods.
*************
It didn't take long for them to locate the fowl. It stood in a clearing not far away, and it pecked at the ground, looking for worms, much like a chicken.
"Do turkeys even do that?" Garet asked, absent-mindedly. He promptly got smacked in the back of the head by Felix.
"Don't question things that don't matter! Let's just kill that thing."
"Okay, but we're going to need a carefully thought out and well executed plan."
"Screw that, let's rush him."
"Okay!" Garet grinned, and so they did what they planned. They rushed forward and charged. The turkey immediately caught notice and charged back at them, tackling first Felix and then jumping up to flap its wings in Garet's face. The Mars Adept spluttered as the two feathered wings beat into his continence and made him stagger backward into a tree. After the feather-shocked Garet recovered, he noticed the turkey had moved back to the other side of the clearing to continue to peck at the ground.
"What the heck is that thing?! It's not human!"
"Of course it's not human, you dunderhead," Garet said to Felix.
"Since when do you start calling me dunderhead?" Felix asked venomously.
"Since now, apparently. Okay, now we'll do this my way. Let's just hit it with Psynergy, Felix!"
"That would roast the turkey to a crisp, wise guy."
"It saves the chefs a step then. Let's get him!" Garet said, his hands glowing red with his power.
"Fine, fine," Felix relented, fists glowing gold. The two adepts rushed out after the turkey. Garet immediately summoned three huge pillars of flame with Pyroclasm and Felix summoned the warmth of the earth with Mother Gaia. Sensing victory, the Adepts smiled briefly, only to have their smirks washed completely off their face as the turkey literally leaped away from both attacks and charged them.
"Run for it!" Garet screamed as the rabid fowl closed in on them. He and Felix immediately turned tail and fled as fast as they could, screaming all the way. Chants like "We are going to die" and "Somebody get this freakin' bird away from me" could be heard all across the forest. After they retreated safely to a clearing and lost the warrior bird that was chasing them, they began formulating a new plan. And what is meant by formulating a new plan they were really exchanging insults.
"You nitwit! 'Let's use Psynergy!' How lame can you get?!"
"You're the one who suggested a frontal assault, Patton!" Garet shouted back.
"Who the heck is Patton, Garet?"
"I dunno. I just thought it sounded good." Felix slapped his own forehead at Garet's idiocy and sighed. "Well, I've got another plan. Let's try a simple snare trap. I mean, it's just crazy enough to work."
"I don't know why I'm listening to you, but fine."
************
After the two bickering Adepts finished setting their trap they baited it with an ear of corn and hid in the bushes nearby.
"Okay. So we wait here until the turkey comes and takes the bait and gets caught in the trap," Garet mused.
"Well, what do we do until then?" Felix questioned.
"Play Crazy Eights?" Garet asked, holding up a pack of playing cards that he removed from his tunic.
"You're such an idiot, Garet. Deal me in," Felix mused. He always had been a sucker for Crazy Eights, and he had become the best player in all of Vale because of it. So the two Adepts sat and played cards for a while, before hearing a yelp of surprise from their trap.
"We got him!" They both exclaimed together. They ran out into the clearing to see their spoils. Why make a scene of it? They had captured a poor animal and were now about to serve him to the feast.
***********
"Where are those two nimrods?" Ivan asked, fork and knife in his hands, napkin tucked into his tunic.
"They should've been back by now." Jenna whined. Everyone in Vale was now seated at the community table and were awaiting the arrival of the prized bird. It was supposed to have arrived almost an hour ago, and now they were beginning to grow impatient.
"I'm hungry!" Sheba whined.
"I should probably go look for them," Isaac said. "Who wants to come?"
"I will go too," Mia said.
"No surprise there," Jenna smirked. Both the other Adepts blushed heavily. "You two will need a chaperone. Ivan, go with them."
"But I'm hungry!"
"Then help solve the problem," Jenna loomed. "Go with them!"
"No need!" Felix's voice shot out from between two buildings. He walked out up to the table and stood, his hands folded behind his back.
"Where have you been?!" Jenna yelled at him.
"Getting dinner. Now, I know you all had your hearts set on turkey for Thanksgiving, but. . ." He trailed off, and Garet approached, carrying a large platter in both hands. As soon as he appeared from the shadows, laughter erupted amongst the populace. Why? Because atop this platter lay a man with flowing blue hair and piercing ice blue eyes hog tied with an apple stuffed in his mouth. "Would you all settle for ham instead?"
"Mmmph mmph!" Alex mumbled through the apple.
"Shut up, Alex!" Felix exclaimed, clubbing him over the head with a wooden stick. Alex made a sound that resembled "Ouch!" and then Garet delivered him to the table. Mia promptly pulled out her Nebula Wand and started beating the restrained Mercury Adept mercilessly.
"I figured this would be a hit," Garet said.
"But what about the real turkey?" Isaac asked. "Where is it?"
"Well, Felix and I have determined it has decided to leave Vale and become a superhero. I think he might call himself the Thanksgiving Avenger."
"That is so stupid!" Jenna exclaimed, exasperated. "And would never happen!"
"Well, let's not worry about that and just be thankful for what we have," Garet replied. So they sat down and began enjoying their turkey free Thanksgiving dinner. Well, it felt more like a giant communal dinner, with an interesting Mercury Adept conversational piece and punching bag.
However, little did they all know, the turkey that Garet and Felix had been hunting took upon an incredible odyssey. He set out to avenge the lives of his brethren taken every year for such a mindlessly violent holiday. Annual sightings of him were reported all over Angara, and the people eventually learned the legend of the Thanksgiving Avenger. So, next time you eat a turkey dinner, look over your shoulder. For you never know when he will be there, looking for a chance to get you back. He is the Thanksgiving Avenger. And he is out there.
Okay, not really. It just sounded cool.
-The End.
*****
YAY TRIAD! Now…review!
