Disclaimer: I am a poor, jobless college student that has no claims whatsoever on anything that is Harry Potter. Please don't sue me.
Thanks to Jennifer for her continued excellence in Beta-ing.
Also, thanks to the great reviewers; Rose AquaFire, falin angel, Blanche Dubois (hope you aren't too disappointed with this chapter… Chapter 7 should have a bit more… steaminess…), Mina, angeL_1215, Mystic Rains (hah, thanks… Snape's still alive and well… and… well I've always liked him, so perhaps he can make an appearance later on…), Fire Demon (swallows nervously), and Kou Shun'u (*blushes* you're very sweet).
You guys are all so sweet and encouraging, and I don't know how I'd get my butt in gear to write if it wasn't for you. Thank you.
___
"The cruelest lies are often told in silence." - Robert Louis Stevenson
Hermione sighed and pushed her books and parchments onto the long table in the Charms classroom. She wasn't sure she'd be able to concentrate tonight. Ever since she realized that she…. Well… that she had more-than-platonic feelings for Draco Malfoy, she had been miserable. A dull ache had filled her chest, throat, mind… it never allowed her to concentrate. She wasn't sure if it would ever leave her. And that thought scared her like no other.
"Here early, of course."
She turned to face him, watching him glide through the doorway, his figure lit only by the light of the moon that spilled in through the window. He looked… beautiful. 'It should be illegal to move that gracefully. Hell, it should be illegal to be that… sexy'.
She nodded numbly as he reached her.
"Not that I would expect anything less from you." He paused and pulled her towards him for a soft kiss before he began to speak again.
She wanted to faint. It was amazing, after all these times, that still a simple kiss made her feel like jelly. She couldn't help but wonder how… how something more would make her feel…
He smiled, seeming to understand her thoughts. Oddly enough, it wasn't an arrogant smile. He looked genuinely pleased. "Hermione, love, as much as I'm enjoying our arrangement, I must know how you feel about it."
She could have dropped to the floor right then. '"Love"? Since when has Draco Malfoy ever referred to anyone as "love"?'
She swallowed hard, and took a deep breath before she trusted herself enough to speak. "I'm… It's… It's fine. I'm okay with it. Only…"
Oh, shit. Where the fuck had that "only" come from? Why had she allowed herself to speak? What would she say? 'Only, I'm afraid that I'm falling in love with you and I'm desperately afraid that I'll end up getting hurt?' Right. Reveal your deepest weakness to Malfoy. The one who could hurt you the most. The one that would hurt you the most, at any opportunity.
He cocked his right eyebrow. "Only what?"
Of course he would notice that. What the hell do I say now?
…
What if I don't say anything at all?
Slowly, shyly, Hermione inched forward and reached a tentative hand up towards Draco. Gently, she pulled his head town towards hers. He didn't object. Their lips met and all talk of onlys was forgotten in the hot, wet, exchange of breath.
Fuck. She'd never been kissed like that before. This would certainly not help her not fall in love with him. She broke the kiss before it was done and pushed him away, turning again to her books.
Draco's parted lips and questioning eyes betrayed his confusion. "Granger? Care to explain?"
She didn't turn around. Her shoulders shook slightly.
He spoke a little more tenderly the second time.
"Hermione?"
When she still refused to respond, he grasped her shoulder, firmly spinning her towards him. Christ. She was crying.
"What? Was it really that bad?"
She didn't respond, and instead collapsed into him, sobbing hard and soaking his robes with her tears. He sighed and wrapped his arms around her, awkwardly. Draco Malfoy was not accustomed to comforting people - especially sobbing girls - especially sobbing Mudblood girls.
Oh, fuck, but what's the difference? This was not a girl whose touch was dirty. This was not someone inferior to himself. This was… this was Hermione Granger, who would rule the world some day.
He embraced her a bit more confidently and waited until the sobbing subsided. "Hermione?"
Slowly, ashamedly, she raised her tearstained face to meet his questioning gaze. "I'm… I'm sorry."
He sighed and moved the two of them carefully to a seat on the floor. "What's wrong?"
She took a few deep breaths and became immensely fascinated with the floor tiles. "I… I can't… I don't really want to tell you."
Draco sighed, a bit frustrated. "Well, Hermione, if you're not going to tell me why you just burst into tears after kissing me, then I'll have to ask you to not sob all over my robes, either." He glanced down and performed a quick, muttered drying spell.
She took another deep breath. "Draco… I… I'm afraid my feelings are going to get in the way of our… deal… and I can't continue with it."
Draco looked up sharply from the spot on his robes that looked suspiciously like mascara. "Feelings?"
Hermione bit her lip, intensified her focus on the floor tiles, and said nothing. One of the tiles began to glow slightly.
Draco cleared his throat. "Hermione, look at me."
While subconsciously contemplating how she had gotten the tile to glow, she obeyed.
Brown eyes met gray eyes.
And she knew.
"You, too?"
***
Harry sat quietly by the common room fire. He wasn't sure how long he had been there, and he couldn't seem to focus his thoughts. He was dreadfully afraid, however, of going to sleep.
Perhaps he could attain a wakefulness potion… yes… That ought to do the trick. But from where?
"Harry."
He looked up to find Ron watching him strangely from the armchair opposite his own. He wondered idly how long he had been there.
"Yes?"
"You alright?"
Harry sighed. Ron was always asking him that. Of course he wasn't alright. On the other hand, he didn't quite know how to explain what was wrong. There had to be something more than the nightmares… Although….
Harry shivered.
Those were pretty terrible. The threat of dreaming such awful things made him afraid of sleep.
"I think we should go see Dumbledore."
Harry sighed and then nodded his agreement grudgingly. Gently, Ron pulled him from his seat and half-pushed him towards the portrait hole.
Hermione met them there.
Guilt, shock and fear raced across her eyes before she managed to look pleasantly surprised. "Where are you two headed?"
Ron sighed, making a mental note to talk to her later, before he answered.
"Dumbledore."
Fear embraced Hermione's facial expression once again.
"Is everything alright?"
Ron couldn't wait until later anymore. Not after this blatantly false pretense of friendship. "No, Hermione. Everything is not alright. Everything has not been alright for quite some time now. If you hadn't been so busy gallivanting around at night with Merlin knows who, then perhaps you would have given a damn about what your… Oh hell, I don't even know what he is to you anymore. Before last year, I would have said your best friend. After last year, I would have said your love. Now, though… Now… I don't suppose he's much of anything to you, is he? So I guess I shouldn't be surprised at your lack of compassion. Goodnight Hermione." Ron paused before adding under his breath "Goodnight, Granger."
Her eyes followed the pair as they exited through the portrait hole before bursting into tears. Goddammit. I can't cry again.
She took a deep breath and slowly trudged her way up the stairs to her dormitories, thoughts of Ron and Harry and Draco flying freely in her head and tears flowing freely down her cheeks.
Once within the safety of the 6th year girls' dorm, she collapsed onto her bed, pulled the curtains tightly shut, cast a few silencing and locking spells, and sobbed herself to sleep.
***
Draco's smile wouldn't leave him as he strolled through the Slytherin common room and up to his dormitory. After disrobing, he climbed into bed, pulling the curtains shut, and remembered what had just happened with Hermione. It seemed surreal. The goody-goody Gryffindor know-it-all snogging him in empty classrooms after curfew...
And oh, Merlin was he thankful for it. He had almost memorized the feel of her soft, tentative lips embracing his own. And the way her body yielded slightly to his… but never enough.
He sighed, folding his arms behind his head. And then… then there was the emotional aspect. She loved him. Or she would soon. And… And damned if he didn't love her too.
He supposed the deal was all shot to hell now. Otherwise, it would be amusing to have his girlfriend - could he even call her that?- withholding physical activity until he taught her some new spells. Well, perhaps it would be amusing to some neutral third party. Draco wouldn't find it funny in the least.
So now there was the dilemma of what to do about the deal. Honestly, he wanted her to learn about the Dark Arts almost as much as she wanted to. He could only imagine having a partner so… possessed with power. Hell, they would be able to take down anyone… anyone. Draco grimaced. Voldemort would certainly be on that list. But hell, who was he kidding? Two sixth years taking on the dark lord? It was laughable, at best.
He sighed and attempted to block the thoughts he knew would come, anytime he thought of Voldemort. He couldn't remember this right now. He couldn't think about this. Hermione was what he wanted to concentrate on now. Hermione, the girl he had hated. Hermione, the girl who had hated him. Hermione, the girl he had always been angry with because he couldn't hate her. Hermione, the girl who he had always wanted to hate. Hermione, the Mudblood who spat in the face of all that his father had taught him with her abilities and intelligence and… and beauty. Hermione, the girl who he had always wanted… and now had…
***
Dumbledore entered his office in his pajamas and stocking cap, nodded to a very rumpled, very disgruntled McGonagall, and had a seat behind his desk as she left him with the two boys.
A moment of silence passed while Dumbledore regarded the pair.
"Is this about Miss Granger?"
Ron's look of surprise betrayed that it wasn't. "No, sir, but I've been worried about her lately, as well. I've wanted to chalk it up to… to a new boyfriend," at this Ron blushed rather deeply, "but I don't know that that's all it is."
Dumbledore nodded. "Tell me why you're here and we will get to the mystery that is Miss Granger."
Ron swallowed and glanced at Harry, who was staring blankly at a spot on Dumbledore's desk. "Sir, it's… it's Harry."
Dumbledore turned the focus of his gaze to Harry before he spoke. "Yes… yes, from what I hear, something is wrong with Harry, and has been for quite some time now," He paused, noting that Harry never looked up or responded to hearing his name in any way. "Harry?"
Slowly, Harry's gaze traveled to meet Dumbledore's. "Yes, sir?"
"Tell me what's been bothering you lately."
Harry swallowed. "Well… Um… I've been having nightmares…"
"Nightmares? What happens in these nightmares?"
Harry took a deep breath and plunged into a description of the reoccurring horror that had become his nightly experience.
When he had finished, Dumbledore sighed heavily and brought his hand to his face, noting Ron's frozen expression of horror and shock. Apparently Harry had never told anyone about this dream. He pushed up his glasses and rubbed his eyes gently before he refocused on Harry and began to speak.
"This is bad, Harry. Why didn't you come forth earlier?"
Harry blushed a bit. "Well, I mean, it was just a dream, and… and besides… I… I would forget…"
"Forget?"
Harry nodded and Dumbledore saw the focus leaving his eyes once again. He didn't speak. And he probably wouldn't for the rest of this session.
Dumbledore sighed and turned to a rather depressed looking Ron. He pulled out his wand and muttered a summoning charm, handing Ron the vial that had arrived in his outstretched hand. "Give him this before you go to bed. It's a dreamless sleep potion. It certainly won't cure his problems, but it will at least help to alleviate the symptoms."
Ron nodded and tucked the vial into his robes, shooting a concerned glance at Harry.
"Now, tell me your observations on Miss Granger."
Ron took a deep breath. He could get Hermione into some serious trouble if he did what Dumbledore asked. Perhaps he could be vague.
"Well, she doesn't seem to care about me or Harry anymore. She never comes to lunch… Actually, I can't say that I've seen her at any meals in quite sometime. She seems… bored… in her classes… And… Well… I'm concerned."
He had managed to avoid the part about sneaking out after curfew every night.
Dumbledore sighed. "Ron, I fear that Hermione has started down a path from which she may never return. I don't know that there is much that you can do to help her… Her biggest problem, I fear, is a struggle of the mind. You say that classes bore her? So does everyday life. And I fear that she has turned to… other areas… in order to find something of interest. Hermione Granger is a brilliant mind, I'd say the most intelligent student to pass through Hogwarts since Tom Riddle…"
Dumbledore paused and removed his glasses, folding them neatly on the desk. "And I'm afraid she may share his fate."
'Oh no oh no oh no… Hermione? No.' Ron wanted to cry. There was only so much losing of his friends that he could take in one day. What good was he anyway? People were dying, nightly, while he scrambled to try and discover where the Death Eaters were. Meanwhile, the most brilliant student at the school, one of the people closest to him, was turning to the very things he was fighting against. And to top it all off, Harry seemed to be losing his mind. Harry, the dearest hope of the good Wizarding World… Harry, the last and best defense against Vol….He-who-should-not-be-named. Ron made a decision.
"Sir, I think I should go in. I think I should take Avery's place."
***
The next morning came entirely too soon for Hermione Granger. For the first time in her Hogwarts career, she considered lying in bed for the entire day. After a mental dissection of her current responsibilities, however, she decided that this would not be the wisest course of action.
Aside from that, she needed to speak to Ron. Desperately. She hadn't realized how much she still cared for both him and Harry until he had thrown her recent indifference in her face.
She also wanted to see Draco. The thought of seeing him now brought on an odd sensation. She finally understood the meaning of the 'butterflies in your stomach' saying.
She sighed, swung her legs over the side of the bed and shuffled towards the showers. It wasn't until she was facing a mirror in the 6th year girls' bathroom that she realized she was still wearing her robes from yesterday.
She groaned. This would be a long day.
***
Draco was early to breakfast, for once. He couldn't believe the ridiculous excitement he was feeling over… over a girl. He was so excited, in fact, that he didn't notice the familiar eagle until it dropped a letter in his porridge. He sighed, fed it a piece of bacon, and stared at the letter.
This would not be good news. After waiting a few more minutes in order to watch a Hermione that never showed, he began to unravel the parchment.
'I wonder where she could be. Come to think of it, I haven't seen her in here in quite some time. Not that I'd want to eat with Gryffindors, if I were her, but you would think - '
Draco's train of thought was immediately broken by the hastily scrawled note on the parchment in front of him.
Draco -
He will be contacting you soon. I cannot explain further, but I'm sure you'll understand why I wanted to owl you beforehand.
-Lucius Malfoy
Draco swallowed. This would not be good at all.
***
Ron quite nearly choked on his pumpkin juice when Hermione strolled into the Great Hall for breakfast that morning.
She nodded and took a seat across from him, while he attempted to conceal his coughing.
"Ron, we need to talk."
He nodded and waited. She didn't speak. "Well? You're the one that wants to talk, so - "
"It's about what you said to me last night."
Ron looked down at his plate. He felt his ears begin to burn. He coughed. "Yeah?"
"Yeah…. Ron?"
He looked up.
"I…. I'm sorry. I don't know what else to tell you. I can't explain anything to you… but I'm sorry. It's not that… It's not that I don't care…I just…"
Ron bit his lip. "Hermione, what's going on? Why can't you tell me? Remember me? Ron? Best friend?"
Her eyes sharpened a bit and she smiled slightly. Shit. Shouldn't have said that.
Her voice dropped to a whisper. "Remember last year Ron? Remember Harry? Your best friend?"
He didn't answer, instead turning his gaze to his plate once more. His face was turning a lovely shade of pink.
"Why should I tell you anything now? How would I trust that you won't just turn your back on me again and break my heart again? How do I know-"
"Break your heart? That's rich." Ron's interruption was quite a bit louder than he had intended. Several Gryffindors turned to watch the pair. "What about mine, Hermione? Don't pretend you didn't know. Did you ever stop to think about how I felt? No. Sorry that I didn't control my reactions better. Sorry that I cared. I don't know what you expected of me. Did you just want me to hide it all? Did you just want me to play Mr. Indifferent? Did you want me to live a lie?"
"Oh, poor little Ronniekins. Well, we all catered to your feelings in the end, didn't we? Fuck how much it hurt Harry. Fuck how much it hurt me. As long as you were happy, that's all that mattered, right? Don't you dare go on about how much I hurt you. You have no fucking idea."
Ron opened his mouth and closed it again. He looked down at his plate once more, for several minutes this time. He took a few deep breaths and when he raised his face again, she saw tears in his eyes.
He hastily wiped them with the back of his hand, mumbling something about allergies and took another deep breath.
"Fine. I thought we had gotten past this, but apparently not. I apologized. I thought I had paid my dues. What else do you want from me? What can I do to make up for how much I hurt you? What do you want me to do?"
Hermione stared at him for a few moments before she sighed. "You can't. I'm sorry Ron. It's not a matter of forgiveness. It's a matter of forgetting. And I just can't do that. When I look at you… Every time I look at you, I remember. So I can't explain my actions to you now. I just ask that you stay out of the way and stop accusing me of not caring. Remember, because I sure do. You left me first. You both did."
Ron sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose. "Do whatever you want, Hermione. Only…" He paused and shook his head, thoughts of last night's conversation with Dumbledore flying through his mind.
"Only what?"
He shook his head again. "Nevermind."
Hermione sat at the table for a few moments longer and glanced around. "Where's Harry?"
"He's not going to class today. He's catching up on some much needed sleep."
She wrinkled her brow. "Is everything okay?"
Ron bit his tongue. Will not comment on her lack of compassion again. "It's… well… no, but I'd rather not get into it now." He paused, thoughtfully, for a moment. "But, hey… Hermione? I was thinking that maybe the three of us could go to Hogsmeade this weekend. I think it would do him a world of good to spend some time with you. You up for it?"
Hermione nodded, her mind racing wildly. Oh, Merlin. What has Draco done? Maybe I'm not okay with this. I should talk to him. She turned around, found his gray eyes in the crowd and motioned towards the Entrance Hall. He nodded.
This exchange was not lost on Ron.
