A/N: I'm a lumberjack, and I own nothing pertaining to Lord of the Rings. Actually, neither am I a lumberjack. And I don't own anything Monty Python either.
Chapter 3
She's a Lumberjack, and she's not okay!
Despite the fact that the Council of Elrond had taken place earlier that day, there was a feast that night at Rivendell. The Author obviously knew very little of the timeline of the Fellowship of the Rings, and Tina would have been pissed off had she not taken advantage of the non-canonical feast and stuffed herself silly on all the great Elvish food Elrond had to offer. Despite being small and skinny, Tina had a voracious appetite that astounded everyone who ever observed her eating. It astounded the residents of Rivendell as well. Tina didn't care - she'd eaten too well to worry about it.
"Wow! This is good! Are you going to eat that? What is that? Is it coffee-flavored? Who cares, I'll finish it! Pass that down here, will you?" she shouted down the table as the elves stared with wide eyes at her stack of dishes. And to think she was comparatively slowing down. Tina licked her messy fingers appreciatively and sat back.
'Let's see the stupid Author cover up that appetite.' she thought, purposefully making her already bad table manners worse. As she crunched noisily through a last apple, Elrond tried to break the uncomfortable silence, which was broken only by Tina's loud mastication.
"A song!" he cried out suddenly. "Yes, we need a song."
"Weak." Tina muttered to herself.
"Lady Mary-Sue, do you sing?" Asked Aragorn, who was sitting next to Tina. Tina raised her eyebrow as she stared at him. She didn't like where this was going. She snatched a leftover piece of cheese off his plate and swallowed it.
"NO." she said flatly, giving him a rather good view of her chewed up dairy product.
"Any song borne on your melodious voice must be a gift from the Valar," Legolas said, staring transfixedly at Tina. Tina sighed.
"You want a song? I'll give you a song." she said, and stood up. She cleared her throat and instantly all the males of any species in Rivendell looked up with rapt attention. Tina opened her mouth and began to sing.
"I'm a lumberjack, and I'm O-KAY! I sleep all night and I work all day!"
Tina didn't expect much by the end of the song. But when she finished, she was greeted with thundering applause and cries of "more! more!" and, oddly enough, "encore!"
"What is WRONG with you people?!" Tina cried.
"Your heartfelt song has brought them to tears! Look!" Gandalf exclaimed, pointing to Boromir and Aragorn, who were leaning on each other and bawling like babies.
"You're beautiful voice weaves a web of enchantment around all who hear it," Legolas complimented her. Tina got a strange impression he was using "you're" the wrong way.
"Would that you could sing for us every night!" Elrond sighed, clapping enthusiastically.
Tina sank down in her chair and groaned.
----
The next day the Fellowship set out at dawn. Not only was this out of canon, Tina was a night owl. She barely managed to get fourths at breakfast, which made her grouchy from the start, and naturally her mood was only made worse by the wildly out of character Fellowship and the ridiculous way everyone was fawning over her. She'd been relieved to find that the elves had packed for her, but disappointed when she saw that all they'd put in were dresses. Dresses that were "Comfortable and functional, but all very beautiful", as the Author put it, but they were dresses nonetheless. Tina made a mental note to steal some leggings from Legolas at some point during the story. Tina grinned; wearing Legolas' pants was a rather nice mental image. Truthfully she would have rather worn Frodo's, but hobbit-sized clothes wouldn't fit this stupid Mary-Sue body of hers.
But Tina's mood REALLY got bad when she tried to cut her hair.
The elves had insisted on giving her a sword, bow, and quiver of arrows, despite her protests that she didn't know how to use any of them. No doubt the Author had given her fantastic Mary-Sue aim and swordsmanship that only came after years of handling a weapon. Still, skills with weapons were pretty much necessary in Middle Earth, and Tina didn't doubt that eventually she'd be glad she had them.
Tina had been trying to find the bathroom (or outhouse or whatever facilities elves used in this twisted version of Middle-Earth) when the elves delivered her weapons to her room. When she finally returned she spotted the sword and pounced gleefully on it. Finally she could get rid of this annoying mane of hair. She seized a lock of wavy golden hair and severed it with the sword just above her shoulder, about the same length her real hair was. She grabbed another handful of hair and was sawing through it when, to her horror, she felt a creeping feeling inside her scalp and the lock of sheered hair grew back past her hips and mingled with the rest of the hair again. Tina groaned and threw the sword on the floor with a loud clatter. How did the Author expect her to join the Fellowship of the Ring when her very hair was this much of a burden? Her head felt about ten pounds heavier than normal. No doubt she'd have to spend the better part of each day pulling her hair out of low tree branches and the like. But Mary-Sue authors never thought of that. Tina buried her face in her pillow to muffle the sound and moaned loudly.
By this point Tina was considering running away, so that she wouldn't be able to disrupt the canon. But the Author would no doubt have one of the characters find her, and even if they didn't, Tina had no clue how to survive outside of Rivendell. Dying in Middle-Earth didn't sound like very much fun. Tina had underestimated the Author before, and she didn't feel like risking her life to do it again. The Author held the whip. But that didn't mean Tina couldn't make things hard for her/him/it.
As the Fellowship finally left Rivendell (with Tina still clutching a third mug of coffee she had refused to leave without), a thought occurred to Tina - what would happen if she died in this 'fic? Would she return home by some cosmic oddity of 'Sue fics, or would she just . . . die? Lord of the Rings Mary-Sues seldom died, but there were exceptions to every rule, and every now and then an author was willing to sacrifice their character for the sake of sappiness . . .
Tina was shaken out of her disturbing thoughts by Aragorn's voice, and by the fact that her coffee was gone.
"Lady Mary-Sue, you appear troubled." he said.
"I am troubled. My coffee is gone. And quit calling me 'Lady'." Tina said, turning her mug upside down and shaking it over her open mouth to get every last drop.
"More than a lack of coffee troubles you. I can see it in your eyes." Aragorn insisted as Tina stuck her tongue out to catch the last drip of coffee.
"How would you know? Maybe not having coffee really makes me that upset." Tina countered. Aragorn was silent for a moment.
"Tis a perilous journey we embark upon this day. I know you must be afraid of what might happen."
'You have no idea,' Tina thought.
"If ever you need someone to talk to, I will listen, fair Lady. My heart is always open." Aragorn continued, and with a smile at Tina sped up and walked ahead. Tina grimaced - since when was Aragorn an open book? And what about Arwen? Tina clenched her fists and continued after the Fellowship.
'I hope this Author has good health care, because when I get hold of her, she's going to need it.' Tina thought as she disentangled a lock of her hair from a low hanging branch.
Chapter 3
She's a Lumberjack, and she's not okay!
Despite the fact that the Council of Elrond had taken place earlier that day, there was a feast that night at Rivendell. The Author obviously knew very little of the timeline of the Fellowship of the Rings, and Tina would have been pissed off had she not taken advantage of the non-canonical feast and stuffed herself silly on all the great Elvish food Elrond had to offer. Despite being small and skinny, Tina had a voracious appetite that astounded everyone who ever observed her eating. It astounded the residents of Rivendell as well. Tina didn't care - she'd eaten too well to worry about it.
"Wow! This is good! Are you going to eat that? What is that? Is it coffee-flavored? Who cares, I'll finish it! Pass that down here, will you?" she shouted down the table as the elves stared with wide eyes at her stack of dishes. And to think she was comparatively slowing down. Tina licked her messy fingers appreciatively and sat back.
'Let's see the stupid Author cover up that appetite.' she thought, purposefully making her already bad table manners worse. As she crunched noisily through a last apple, Elrond tried to break the uncomfortable silence, which was broken only by Tina's loud mastication.
"A song!" he cried out suddenly. "Yes, we need a song."
"Weak." Tina muttered to herself.
"Lady Mary-Sue, do you sing?" Asked Aragorn, who was sitting next to Tina. Tina raised her eyebrow as she stared at him. She didn't like where this was going. She snatched a leftover piece of cheese off his plate and swallowed it.
"NO." she said flatly, giving him a rather good view of her chewed up dairy product.
"Any song borne on your melodious voice must be a gift from the Valar," Legolas said, staring transfixedly at Tina. Tina sighed.
"You want a song? I'll give you a song." she said, and stood up. She cleared her throat and instantly all the males of any species in Rivendell looked up with rapt attention. Tina opened her mouth and began to sing.
"I'm a lumberjack, and I'm O-KAY! I sleep all night and I work all day!"
Tina didn't expect much by the end of the song. But when she finished, she was greeted with thundering applause and cries of "more! more!" and, oddly enough, "encore!"
"What is WRONG with you people?!" Tina cried.
"Your heartfelt song has brought them to tears! Look!" Gandalf exclaimed, pointing to Boromir and Aragorn, who were leaning on each other and bawling like babies.
"You're beautiful voice weaves a web of enchantment around all who hear it," Legolas complimented her. Tina got a strange impression he was using "you're" the wrong way.
"Would that you could sing for us every night!" Elrond sighed, clapping enthusiastically.
Tina sank down in her chair and groaned.
----
The next day the Fellowship set out at dawn. Not only was this out of canon, Tina was a night owl. She barely managed to get fourths at breakfast, which made her grouchy from the start, and naturally her mood was only made worse by the wildly out of character Fellowship and the ridiculous way everyone was fawning over her. She'd been relieved to find that the elves had packed for her, but disappointed when she saw that all they'd put in were dresses. Dresses that were "Comfortable and functional, but all very beautiful", as the Author put it, but they were dresses nonetheless. Tina made a mental note to steal some leggings from Legolas at some point during the story. Tina grinned; wearing Legolas' pants was a rather nice mental image. Truthfully she would have rather worn Frodo's, but hobbit-sized clothes wouldn't fit this stupid Mary-Sue body of hers.
But Tina's mood REALLY got bad when she tried to cut her hair.
The elves had insisted on giving her a sword, bow, and quiver of arrows, despite her protests that she didn't know how to use any of them. No doubt the Author had given her fantastic Mary-Sue aim and swordsmanship that only came after years of handling a weapon. Still, skills with weapons were pretty much necessary in Middle Earth, and Tina didn't doubt that eventually she'd be glad she had them.
Tina had been trying to find the bathroom (or outhouse or whatever facilities elves used in this twisted version of Middle-Earth) when the elves delivered her weapons to her room. When she finally returned she spotted the sword and pounced gleefully on it. Finally she could get rid of this annoying mane of hair. She seized a lock of wavy golden hair and severed it with the sword just above her shoulder, about the same length her real hair was. She grabbed another handful of hair and was sawing through it when, to her horror, she felt a creeping feeling inside her scalp and the lock of sheered hair grew back past her hips and mingled with the rest of the hair again. Tina groaned and threw the sword on the floor with a loud clatter. How did the Author expect her to join the Fellowship of the Ring when her very hair was this much of a burden? Her head felt about ten pounds heavier than normal. No doubt she'd have to spend the better part of each day pulling her hair out of low tree branches and the like. But Mary-Sue authors never thought of that. Tina buried her face in her pillow to muffle the sound and moaned loudly.
By this point Tina was considering running away, so that she wouldn't be able to disrupt the canon. But the Author would no doubt have one of the characters find her, and even if they didn't, Tina had no clue how to survive outside of Rivendell. Dying in Middle-Earth didn't sound like very much fun. Tina had underestimated the Author before, and she didn't feel like risking her life to do it again. The Author held the whip. But that didn't mean Tina couldn't make things hard for her/him/it.
As the Fellowship finally left Rivendell (with Tina still clutching a third mug of coffee she had refused to leave without), a thought occurred to Tina - what would happen if she died in this 'fic? Would she return home by some cosmic oddity of 'Sue fics, or would she just . . . die? Lord of the Rings Mary-Sues seldom died, but there were exceptions to every rule, and every now and then an author was willing to sacrifice their character for the sake of sappiness . . .
Tina was shaken out of her disturbing thoughts by Aragorn's voice, and by the fact that her coffee was gone.
"Lady Mary-Sue, you appear troubled." he said.
"I am troubled. My coffee is gone. And quit calling me 'Lady'." Tina said, turning her mug upside down and shaking it over her open mouth to get every last drop.
"More than a lack of coffee troubles you. I can see it in your eyes." Aragorn insisted as Tina stuck her tongue out to catch the last drip of coffee.
"How would you know? Maybe not having coffee really makes me that upset." Tina countered. Aragorn was silent for a moment.
"Tis a perilous journey we embark upon this day. I know you must be afraid of what might happen."
'You have no idea,' Tina thought.
"If ever you need someone to talk to, I will listen, fair Lady. My heart is always open." Aragorn continued, and with a smile at Tina sped up and walked ahead. Tina grimaced - since when was Aragorn an open book? And what about Arwen? Tina clenched her fists and continued after the Fellowship.
'I hope this Author has good health care, because when I get hold of her, she's going to need it.' Tina thought as she disentangled a lock of her hair from a low hanging branch.
