A/N: Nope, not mine, and neither are mini-Balrogs. Those belong to Camilla Sandman. If you didn't know that already, then you must now go read The Official Fanfiction University of Middle Earth before I sick my coffee-deprived Tina on you.

Tina: Grr.


Chapter 4

Of Really Really Cold Places


Due to the fact that this was a 'Sue induced Middle-Earth rather than the genuine item, the trek to Caradhras was taking much less time than it normally would have. Tina was actually grateful for this, but it didn't make the long hike any more fun. Of course the Author didn't specify whether the journey was easy for his/her/its self inserted character, and consequently Tina didn't have much fun stumbling after the Fellowship in the impractical shoes the elves had provided for her. When the Fellowship finally stopped, Tina felt like her feet were going to shrivel up and fall off (even if they'd made it there in one day). She collapsed face down on a rock, moaning. None of the canonical characters noticed.

-Alinagawathawen cast her emerald green eyes, flecked with birght violet, to the horzon. A dark cloud was forming in the distance. Alinagawathawen raised her slender, white, hand and pointed at the cloud. The eyes of the others followed it As she asked "Hey, what's that?" and. . .-

'Oh whoop-dee-doo, everyone drops whatever they're doing to watch me point.' Tina thought. She had absolutely no intention of pointing at the crows. That was Frodo's job. Maybe if she waited long enough, he would speak up.

But a minute passed, and Tina began to feel nervous. As stubborn as she was about preserving the canon of the story, what if this Mary-Sue induced Frodo never saw the "cloud" and Sauron found out where they were and . . . Tina gulped. That would surely be the end of her, Author or not. She glanced up. The cloud of birds was getting disturbingly close, and Frodo was making no moves to notice it at all. Tina pushed herself up off the rock and stomped over to the hobbit. He turned and smiled as she approached, his eyes glassy, but Tina had no time to dwell on Frodo's plight. She seized both sides of his face and turned his head so that he was looking straight at the "cloud".

"Hey, what's that thing?" Frodo asked, and Tina considered hitting her head on a rock to dull the pain.

"Mary-Sue, what do you think it is?" Aragorn asked, and Tina's headache grew considerably worse.

"I don't know, you're the Ranger! You tell me!" she yelled in a sudden outburst of temper. Aragorn glared at the birds and announced that they were spies sent by Sauron. This sent the Fellowship into a generally out-of-character panic. Tina bent down to fit herself underneath an overhanging of rock, but just as she was about to slip under a voice cried out her name and a pair of strong arms seized her around her middle. She was dragged her across the rocks in full sight until being thrust beneath a scant, prickly bush. Tina started to yell indignantly, but a large hand covered her mouth as the birds flew overhead. As the flock passed, Tina wrenched the hand from her mouth and started to scream.

"WHAT DID YOU DO THAT FOR?! YOU ALMOST GOT US SPOTTED!" She shouted, turning around to face whatever character was responsible for dragging her away from her safe hiding place in what was no doubt an attempt on the Author's part at heroism.

Legolas blinked in shock. Of course, he would be the one to do the "noble" thing and "save" her, even if his action was more stupid than noble, and Tina hadn't needed saving in the first place.

"I only. . . I was going to. . ." he started, apparently unsure as to what to say. The Author hadn't prepared for this. Tina crossed her arms and tapped her fingers on her sleeves impatiently.

"That rock was going to fall." Legolas said, when he managed to get a full sentence out.
"You could have been hurt.

"Weak." Tina muttered, but as she spoke the rock randomly cracked and fell over. The Author's doing, no doubt.

"We must hurry. Time is running out. There's very littel of it left." Gandalf said.

'And Gandalf has an overwhelming urge to repeat himself! He has decided to say the same thing over and over again!' Tina thought.

"We must take to the mountains, for there we will be safest." he continued.

"CARADHRAS, CARADHRAS, CARADHRAS!" Tina yelled. The Fellowship stared at her as she seethed with anger.

"Yes, I believe that's the name of the mountains . . ." Gandalf said. Tina couldn't stand it anymore. She turned on her high heels, walked behind a large rock, and screamed. A lot. When she finally returned her face was bright red and she was quite out of breath.

Then the Author spoke again.

-"We should not take the mountain pass! Evil will befall us if we do!" Alinagawathawen cried, her face set in a hard look.

"No! The pass is our only hope. There is no other way, and it is the way we must take to get to Sauron." Gandalf insisted, glaring at Alinagawathawen . . . -

"Lead the way, old dude." Tina said, and tramped across the rocks in her impractical shoes after Gandalf.

---

Climbing Caradhras was not fun.

Due to her Elvish blood, or maybe just to the fact that she was a Mary-Sue, Tina could walk on top of the snow but that didn't make the air any less frigid. Tina hated cold weather almost as much as she hated pink. Her idea of a cold day was anything below 80 degrees. It didn't even snow around Tina's house, and now here she was trekking up a mountain that she knew was eventually going to turn on them in snow that would have been knee deep if she hadn't been a Mary-Sue. Tina was not happy.

"I'm cold." she muttered, her teeth chattering. "I'm hungry. I want some coffee. Nice, hot coffee. I'm cold."

"All of us are, fair Lady." Frodo agreed, stumbling through the snow. Tina was beginning to notice that none of the other hobbits seemed to say that much in this story. Pippin, Merry, and Sam were oddly quiet, despite the fact that they were having just as much trouble making their way through the snow as Frodo.

-The dark haired hobbit stumbled in the snow. A delicate white hand reached out to him, he took it and Alinagawathawen pulled him out of the snow . . .-

"Yo Aragorn, I think Frodo could use some help." Tina called as Frodo slipped on cue. Aragorn blinked and stupidly helped the hobbit onto his feet again.

"The Ring is gone!" Frodo yelled, grasping at his shirt. Tina peered at Boromir out of the corner of her eye to make sure he was doing what he was supposed to. He was, but as he finished musing about the Ring, the Author spoke again.

-Alinagawathawen laid her shining white hand on Boromir's shoulder . . .-

'So now I'm radioactive . . . ' Tina thought, her sarcasm meter rising to an unheard of number.

-"Borimor. . .-

'And another Mini-Balrog gets its wings.'

- . . . Give the Ring to Frodo, it is his to carry. It could not help you to save Gondor . . ."-

"No! Baaad Boromir! Give it back or no cookie for you!" Tina scolded when it became apparent that Aragorn wasn't going to do anything to make Boromir return the evil jewelry. Boromir sneered.

"I don't need a woman telling me what to do!" he said, his voice dripping with disdain as he handed the Ring over to Frodo.

'I was wondering when I'd hear from the designated sexist.' Tina thought when a storm promptly blew out of nowhere and nearly knocked her into the snow, despite the Author insisting that "Alinagawathawen stood strong against the blinding wind."

"It is Saruman!" Gandalf yelled.

-"I knew we should not have come this way!"- The Author prompted Tina.

"Spoot!" Tina yelled, shaking her fist at the mountain.

"We must turn back! Another way is our only hope!" Aragorn shouted

"I'm cold!" Tina wailed.

"We can not!" Gandalf insisted. "We will let the Ringbearer decide!"

Tina would have made fun of Gandalf's inability to make up his mind, but she was too busy trying not to be buried in the ridiculously large amount of snow the Author was dumping on them.

"We will go to the Mines of Moria!" Frodo said, despite the fact that no one had yet mentioned the mines in the 'fic. Tina didn't care. Without waiting to hear how the Author wanted her to pointlessly protest going to the Mines, she turned tail and fled down the mountain after Legolas.

"If I ever get out of this horrible fic, I will NEVER complain of being cold ever, ever again!" She wailed, but her voice was lost under the sound of the storm.