A/n: {insert clever disclaimer here}
Chapter 5
Of Really Really Dark places
The storm stopped almost as soon as the Fellowship climbed back to the bottom of the mountain (or in Tina's case, fell most of the way) and the sun set at an alarmingly fast rate. Tina stumbled twice as much in the dark. She wondered what would happen if she twisted her ankle in these awful shoes.
The lake was dark and every time Tina looked at it she quivered with barely suppressed terror at the thought of a long, slimy tentacle snaking it's way out of the dirty water and winding around her ankle and dragging her back into the water where it would. . .
Tina whimpered. She had an innately strong fear of the Watcher (and giant marine monsters in general) and the movie certainly hadn't helped get rid of it.
"Here is the door to the Mines of Moria." Gandalf said, pointing at the Dwarven-made door in the large wall of rock. Tina was glad to take her mind off the lake and stared at the door, which even the Author couldn't make less beautiful. Tina stared in awe at the craftsmanship of the bright metal. She wondered if she dared to touch it. She reached out slowly (after all, how many times in your life did you get a chance to touch Dwarf-wrought ithildin?) when the Author interrupted her.
-"How do we open it?" Frodo asked. "I do not know." said Gandalf.
"Maybe I can figure it out," Alinagawathawen said, looking at the writing on the door. . ."-
Since Tina didn't know how to read runes, there was no way this was ever going to happen. But to her surprise, she found that the runes made perfect sense, and not just because she'd memorized what they said from the book. Gandalf informed the rest of the Fellowship that the phrase was "a riddle, asking for the password". Tina sat down with her back to the wall, staring at the lake to make sure that if the Author was for some reason going to have the Watcher attack her, she'd at least be able to scream in time.
There was a "plunk!" and Tina jumped, but it was only Pippin throwing rocks. Aragorn yelled at him and -Alinagawathawen looked at him sadly, could he not see the lake was evil? -. Tina locked her eyes on the lake and tried not to look at Pippin in any way at all.
A few seconds later Frodo figured out the riddle and Tina's heart began to pound. Ai Eru, this was the part where the Watcher attacked! Tina put her hand on her sword as the Fellowship ventured into the mine. There was a crunch under Tina's elegantly shod foot and she looked down.
"Oh God!" she cried out in horror. Beneath her foot were the crumbled remains of what had once been a rotting dwarf's head. It's skull was crushed, and its dust coated her shoe. Tina's stomach heaved and she retched. This was worse than the lake, a thousand times worse.
"Let's get out of here!" Boromir said. Tina was so sickened she didn't even care that what Boromir had just said was a far cry from his line in the movie. She positively fled the macabre scene of death only to find that the Watcher was waiting.
Tina screamed and threw herself onto the ground as a tentacle whipped through the air and missed her by mere inches. She wasn't brave, and she wasn't canonical. The Author could insist that "Alinagawathawen was a strong swordswoman and did not loose her head in a crisis" all she wanted, but all the fighting skills Tina had been given as a Mary-Sue had vanished in the way of her fear. Tina's muscles jerked involuntarily as she scrambled away from a tentacle that was reaching for her, her face in the dirt. The ridiculously pretty dress she was wearing was soaked with mud and dirty water. Tina had never been so scared in her life.
A cold, slimy tentacle coiled around her ankle and dragged her to the water with horrible strength. Tina screamed and kicked at the clammy, sucker covered appendage but the Watcher took no notice other than to tighten it's hold and pull her faster. One of the canonical characters was screaming her name. Cold water washed over her feet and Tina clumsily yanked her sword out of it's sheath with shaking hands and brought it down with a loud "thwack!" onto what she hoped was the Watcher's tentacle and not her foot. The Watcher screeched and something resembling blood poured out of the severed tentacle, now limp around Tina's ankle. The naked sword in her hand brought Tina some comfort - at least now she could defend herself. She hacked at another tentacle that was reaching for her. Suddenly the Watcher withdrew it's attention from her and pulled something small off the ground.
"Frodo!" Tina wailed, haphazardly waving her sword around in the direction of the Watcher. Why wasn't anyone trying to save him? Sure Legolas was most effectively shooting arrows into the Watchers eye and Aragorn was hacking tentacles left and right, but not even Sam was making any efforts to prevent Frodo from being killed by the Watcher.
-"Frodo!" Alinagawathawen cried, and ran forward, she raised her sword high and cut the tentacle and Frodo dropped to the ground . . .-
'Ai Eru! Why me?' Tina thought. "Someone help him!" she wailed. Gimli, Boromir, and the hobbits looked at her rather stupidly. Aragorn and Legolas didn't even seem to hear her. Tina screamed in terror of the Watcher and fury at the Author and ran to Frodo, tripping only twice in her sodden shoes, and swung her sword in a clumsy arc. The tentacle severed and Frodo fell on the ground. The Watcher screeched and started to pull itself farther out of the water. Tina glanced towards the dark mouth of the mine - oh, she did NOT want to go back in there. There was no other choice, though, but her legs suddenly seemed to have been rooted to the mud. Various canonical characters seized her and pulled her through the door as "there was a cave-in", as the Author so eloquently put it, and they were stuck.
Tina glanced around to make sure there weren't any dead bodies (it wasn't nearly as dark as Tolkien had described it in the proper book) and curled up on the ground, sobbing with terror into her dress, which was soaked with dirty water and probably something else even less appealing. She was shaking uncontrollably, and her mind kept pulling up images of the Watcher dragging her into the lake. . .
Frodo knelt next to Tina, and she was glad for his company even if an evil Author was controlling him. He was thanking her for saving him, but Tina didn't really hear any of it. Ai Eru, she would have nightmares tonight. She sniffled and tried not to think of the thousands of Orcs and the cave troll and the Balrog that she'd probably be facing very soon.
The Fellowship politely waited until Tina was done crying (even though it wasn't part of the Author's plan) and set off through the dark mine. Tina trailed behind them, sniffling occasionally and jumping at every slight noise. Legolas fell back to walk next to her.
"Mary-Sue, are you okay?" he asked.
"I was until you used slang." Tina replied grumpily.
"But you were crying." Legolas insisted.
"Why do you care?" Tina snapped, then instantly wished she could take it back. Sappiness could only ensue from this point on.
"How could I not care for you? You are an amazing wonderful lady. Your virtures far outshine those of a thousand stars, the Valar envy your beautfy, your skill with a sword is unmatched."
'No kidding, that's because it's so bad.' Tina thought.
"You astound me with your beauty . . ." Legolas continued. He turned to Tina and stopped, putting his arm in front of her. She stopped, staring at him. Legolas closed his eyes and leaned towards her, up against the wall of the Mine, his full lips puckering up as he drew closer . . .
Tina's eyes widened and she ducked. Legolas kissed solid rock as Tina crawled underneath his arm and ran after Gandalf's faint light. Legolas separated from the wall in surprise and grabbed Tina's arm.
"Mary Sue!" he started to say, but Tina yanked her arm back.
"Stop hitting on me!" she yelled in a voice loud enough for the rest of the Fellowship to hear, and ran into the midst of the hobbits, where she thought she might be safe for at least a while.
---
Five minutes later the Fellowship stopped so that Gandalf could figure out where they were. Tina stubbed her toe on a rock and said some words that are not suitable for printing before glumly sitting down. She was tired - more tired than she'd ever been in her life. She wanted nothing more than to curl up and sleep for weeks and weeks, even if the rocks weren't exactly very comfortable. She closed her eyes as Frodo noticed Gollum and Gandalf told him in a painfully Mary-Sue induced fashion not to be judgmental and ignored the Author's prompting to agree with him. She must have dozed, because the next thing she knew someone was poking her and telling her to wake up. Apparently, the rest of the Fellowship wanted her to entertain them.
"Lady Mary-Sue, perhaps you could tell us a tale. No doubt you know many with your grace and beauty." Gandalf said. Tina was silent for a moment, wondering how Gandalf figured that being graceful and beautiful meant you knew how to tell a good story.
"All right, I have a tale for you." she finally said. Instantly the Fellowship sat up at attention and nine pairs of eyes were fixed on her.
"Once upon a time," she said slowly, her voice low. "There was an ugly barnacle." she paused for effect. "He was so ugly that everybody died. The end."
"A wonderful tale!" Frodo exclaimed. "My stepfather Bilbo, would have loved it!"
"A pity it is so short . . ." Legolas mused.
Tina groaned, and the Fellowship promptly became very busy trying to separate her from the wall she had started banging her head against.
Chapter 5
Of Really Really Dark places
The storm stopped almost as soon as the Fellowship climbed back to the bottom of the mountain (or in Tina's case, fell most of the way) and the sun set at an alarmingly fast rate. Tina stumbled twice as much in the dark. She wondered what would happen if she twisted her ankle in these awful shoes.
The lake was dark and every time Tina looked at it she quivered with barely suppressed terror at the thought of a long, slimy tentacle snaking it's way out of the dirty water and winding around her ankle and dragging her back into the water where it would. . .
Tina whimpered. She had an innately strong fear of the Watcher (and giant marine monsters in general) and the movie certainly hadn't helped get rid of it.
"Here is the door to the Mines of Moria." Gandalf said, pointing at the Dwarven-made door in the large wall of rock. Tina was glad to take her mind off the lake and stared at the door, which even the Author couldn't make less beautiful. Tina stared in awe at the craftsmanship of the bright metal. She wondered if she dared to touch it. She reached out slowly (after all, how many times in your life did you get a chance to touch Dwarf-wrought ithildin?) when the Author interrupted her.
-"How do we open it?" Frodo asked. "I do not know." said Gandalf.
"Maybe I can figure it out," Alinagawathawen said, looking at the writing on the door. . ."-
Since Tina didn't know how to read runes, there was no way this was ever going to happen. But to her surprise, she found that the runes made perfect sense, and not just because she'd memorized what they said from the book. Gandalf informed the rest of the Fellowship that the phrase was "a riddle, asking for the password". Tina sat down with her back to the wall, staring at the lake to make sure that if the Author was for some reason going to have the Watcher attack her, she'd at least be able to scream in time.
There was a "plunk!" and Tina jumped, but it was only Pippin throwing rocks. Aragorn yelled at him and -Alinagawathawen looked at him sadly, could he not see the lake was evil? -. Tina locked her eyes on the lake and tried not to look at Pippin in any way at all.
A few seconds later Frodo figured out the riddle and Tina's heart began to pound. Ai Eru, this was the part where the Watcher attacked! Tina put her hand on her sword as the Fellowship ventured into the mine. There was a crunch under Tina's elegantly shod foot and she looked down.
"Oh God!" she cried out in horror. Beneath her foot were the crumbled remains of what had once been a rotting dwarf's head. It's skull was crushed, and its dust coated her shoe. Tina's stomach heaved and she retched. This was worse than the lake, a thousand times worse.
"Let's get out of here!" Boromir said. Tina was so sickened she didn't even care that what Boromir had just said was a far cry from his line in the movie. She positively fled the macabre scene of death only to find that the Watcher was waiting.
Tina screamed and threw herself onto the ground as a tentacle whipped through the air and missed her by mere inches. She wasn't brave, and she wasn't canonical. The Author could insist that "Alinagawathawen was a strong swordswoman and did not loose her head in a crisis" all she wanted, but all the fighting skills Tina had been given as a Mary-Sue had vanished in the way of her fear. Tina's muscles jerked involuntarily as she scrambled away from a tentacle that was reaching for her, her face in the dirt. The ridiculously pretty dress she was wearing was soaked with mud and dirty water. Tina had never been so scared in her life.
A cold, slimy tentacle coiled around her ankle and dragged her to the water with horrible strength. Tina screamed and kicked at the clammy, sucker covered appendage but the Watcher took no notice other than to tighten it's hold and pull her faster. One of the canonical characters was screaming her name. Cold water washed over her feet and Tina clumsily yanked her sword out of it's sheath with shaking hands and brought it down with a loud "thwack!" onto what she hoped was the Watcher's tentacle and not her foot. The Watcher screeched and something resembling blood poured out of the severed tentacle, now limp around Tina's ankle. The naked sword in her hand brought Tina some comfort - at least now she could defend herself. She hacked at another tentacle that was reaching for her. Suddenly the Watcher withdrew it's attention from her and pulled something small off the ground.
"Frodo!" Tina wailed, haphazardly waving her sword around in the direction of the Watcher. Why wasn't anyone trying to save him? Sure Legolas was most effectively shooting arrows into the Watchers eye and Aragorn was hacking tentacles left and right, but not even Sam was making any efforts to prevent Frodo from being killed by the Watcher.
-"Frodo!" Alinagawathawen cried, and ran forward, she raised her sword high and cut the tentacle and Frodo dropped to the ground . . .-
'Ai Eru! Why me?' Tina thought. "Someone help him!" she wailed. Gimli, Boromir, and the hobbits looked at her rather stupidly. Aragorn and Legolas didn't even seem to hear her. Tina screamed in terror of the Watcher and fury at the Author and ran to Frodo, tripping only twice in her sodden shoes, and swung her sword in a clumsy arc. The tentacle severed and Frodo fell on the ground. The Watcher screeched and started to pull itself farther out of the water. Tina glanced towards the dark mouth of the mine - oh, she did NOT want to go back in there. There was no other choice, though, but her legs suddenly seemed to have been rooted to the mud. Various canonical characters seized her and pulled her through the door as "there was a cave-in", as the Author so eloquently put it, and they were stuck.
Tina glanced around to make sure there weren't any dead bodies (it wasn't nearly as dark as Tolkien had described it in the proper book) and curled up on the ground, sobbing with terror into her dress, which was soaked with dirty water and probably something else even less appealing. She was shaking uncontrollably, and her mind kept pulling up images of the Watcher dragging her into the lake. . .
Frodo knelt next to Tina, and she was glad for his company even if an evil Author was controlling him. He was thanking her for saving him, but Tina didn't really hear any of it. Ai Eru, she would have nightmares tonight. She sniffled and tried not to think of the thousands of Orcs and the cave troll and the Balrog that she'd probably be facing very soon.
The Fellowship politely waited until Tina was done crying (even though it wasn't part of the Author's plan) and set off through the dark mine. Tina trailed behind them, sniffling occasionally and jumping at every slight noise. Legolas fell back to walk next to her.
"Mary-Sue, are you okay?" he asked.
"I was until you used slang." Tina replied grumpily.
"But you were crying." Legolas insisted.
"Why do you care?" Tina snapped, then instantly wished she could take it back. Sappiness could only ensue from this point on.
"How could I not care for you? You are an amazing wonderful lady. Your virtures far outshine those of a thousand stars, the Valar envy your beautfy, your skill with a sword is unmatched."
'No kidding, that's because it's so bad.' Tina thought.
"You astound me with your beauty . . ." Legolas continued. He turned to Tina and stopped, putting his arm in front of her. She stopped, staring at him. Legolas closed his eyes and leaned towards her, up against the wall of the Mine, his full lips puckering up as he drew closer . . .
Tina's eyes widened and she ducked. Legolas kissed solid rock as Tina crawled underneath his arm and ran after Gandalf's faint light. Legolas separated from the wall in surprise and grabbed Tina's arm.
"Mary Sue!" he started to say, but Tina yanked her arm back.
"Stop hitting on me!" she yelled in a voice loud enough for the rest of the Fellowship to hear, and ran into the midst of the hobbits, where she thought she might be safe for at least a while.
---
Five minutes later the Fellowship stopped so that Gandalf could figure out where they were. Tina stubbed her toe on a rock and said some words that are not suitable for printing before glumly sitting down. She was tired - more tired than she'd ever been in her life. She wanted nothing more than to curl up and sleep for weeks and weeks, even if the rocks weren't exactly very comfortable. She closed her eyes as Frodo noticed Gollum and Gandalf told him in a painfully Mary-Sue induced fashion not to be judgmental and ignored the Author's prompting to agree with him. She must have dozed, because the next thing she knew someone was poking her and telling her to wake up. Apparently, the rest of the Fellowship wanted her to entertain them.
"Lady Mary-Sue, perhaps you could tell us a tale. No doubt you know many with your grace and beauty." Gandalf said. Tina was silent for a moment, wondering how Gandalf figured that being graceful and beautiful meant you knew how to tell a good story.
"All right, I have a tale for you." she finally said. Instantly the Fellowship sat up at attention and nine pairs of eyes were fixed on her.
"Once upon a time," she said slowly, her voice low. "There was an ugly barnacle." she paused for effect. "He was so ugly that everybody died. The end."
"A wonderful tale!" Frodo exclaimed. "My stepfather Bilbo, would have loved it!"
"A pity it is so short . . ." Legolas mused.
Tina groaned, and the Fellowship promptly became very busy trying to separate her from the wall she had started banging her head against.
