A/N: Frodo is spiffy. So is Sam. So is the rest of LotR. And I don't own any of it.
Chapter 6
Of Really Really Stupid Authors
"It's this way."
Tina jerked out of her light sleep as Gandalf made his decision.
"Are you sure, Gandalf?" Frodo asked as the "old man" got up.
"Sometimes I'm never sure." Gandalf said. Tina gagged, but followed, wiping her sleepy eyes and trying to ignore her grumbling stomach, which she was sure was going to summon orcs sooner or later. Gandalf flung out his hand.
"Behold!" he cried, and Tina promptly forgot about her exhaustion and her hunger as she beheld what had once, at the hand of a better Author than this, been Dwarrodelf. For a second she forgot to make sure she didn't mess with the canon.
"That's an eye opener. . ." Tina said at the exact same moment as Sam. The Fellowship looked at her oddly.
"What? It is!" Tina insisted.
What proper memory of the movie the author had seemed to be fading, as Gimli made no motion to separate from the Fellowship and Gandalf promptly led them all into Balin's tomb. It reeked of even more decay than the rest of the mines, for some reason, and Tina pulled her cloak over her nose in distaste. She listened hard to the words in her head.
-The dusty room was full of the scent of decaying bodies . . .-
'Why does it smell so much worse than the rest of the mines, then?' Tina wondered, noticing that though the room was filled with the scent of decaying bodies it was not filled with the decaying bodies themselves. Go figure. Normally this breach of canon would have irked Tina, but the fear of the Watcher still lingered, and she was beginning to think she heard drums, even though Pippin hadn't pushed anything into a well yet.
'My mind is playing tricks on me. . .' she thought as Gimli completely lost his composure and bawled over his cousin's tomb. The Dwarf's "racking sobs" were interrupted by a horrendous crash that signaled Pippin pushing a skeleton down the well. Tina slapped her hands over her pointed ears.
"Fool of a Took!" Gandalf shouted. "You shall get us all killed!"
"Aww, aren't you going to tell him to throw himself in?" Tina said quietly when Gandalf walked by. Gandalf blinked, as if recalling something from a dream and turned around.
"And . . . throw yourself in next time, and save us the trouble!" he said to Pippin, his voice growing stronger as he slowly recalled the words.
'Not bad. Not exactly what he was supposed to say, but not bad.' Tina thought.
Then the drums started up.
"They are coming!" Legolas yelled, and jumped to Tina's side with his bow ready. "Prepare to fight, Mary-Sue."
-"Legolas, I am frightened . . ." Alinagawathawen said softly.
"Do not fear Lady, I will protect you." Legolas gallently stated . . .-
"Yeah yeah, whatever you say." Tina muttered. Bow or sword? Bow or sword? At the moment she wasn't really sure she could wield either, but her odds of surviving were certainly better if she had a weapon. In the end she pulled an arrow out of her quiver (dropping it only once) and aimed for the doors (which had been conveniently barred while Legolas tried to have a moment with Tina).
"They have a cave troll," Boromir declared, and Tina suppressed a moan. At least it wasn't the Watcher.
Somehow Tina's Mary-Sue abilities kicked in when the orcs attacked the hapless door and she suddenly found herself shooting arrows through the holes and into the eyes and throats of the hideous beings. She stopped, her hand halfway back to her quiver. Could it hurt canon that much if she shot a couple of orcs? But while she stood there, pondering how much she was disrupting the plot the orcs burst through the door and at her and she really had no choice. Orcs seemed to swarm her from all angles and arrows began to seem like not enough. Tina dropped her bow and pulled out her sword in a swift motion she didn't know she could perform. Once again she was overcome with Mary Sue abilities and orcs fell as if she were mowing them down with a machine gun.
'One of those would be useful right now,' Tina thought as a particularly nasty looking orc shredded her ridiculous sleeve with his blade. Tina jumped back and tripped over a decaying dwarf. Her sword went flying and she fell on her perfectly sized posterior - not too big, but definitely not flat. The orc raised his sword up. Tina screamed. She was going to die. She couldn't die. Would the Author let her die? The orc began to sweep it's blade downwards as Tina tried to make her legs work when suddenly the orc choked, froze, and fell over with an arrow in it's neck. A rather disgusting sight. Tina pulled herself out of the way as it fell over.
"Mary Sue! Are you hurt?" Legolas cried, leaping over the fallen orc. "Are you okay?"
"GO KILL THE STUPID CAVE TROLL OR SOMETHING!" Tina shouted, furious with herself, the Author, even Legolas. The elf blinked and started shooting some more orcs as the troll played peek-a-boo with Frodo around a column. Tina busied herself with fending off a few more orcs while she tried to remember what came next. It was a bit hard to focus when bunches of horrifying creatures were trying to decapitate her. She glanced over to see how Frodo was doing . . .
Just as the cave troll jammed a spear into his side.
"NOO!" Tina wailed. She forgot about the canon - forgot that she was a Mary-Sue - even forgot that Frodo wasn't going to die. She swung her sword around and tried to get to him, but tripped over a conveniently placed dead orc. The look on Frodo's face was heartbreaking. Tina could feel tears welling up in her eyes. This was more realistic than the movie, and she cried during that too.
Merry and Pippin leapt on top of the troll and for a moment Tina was tempted to do so as well. She pushed herself up and started towards the troll, hell-bent on at least giving it a good kick in the shins, when she remembered that that was most likely exactly what the Author wanted her to do. Tina suddenly felt very strange. The room seemed to tilt and waver. Merry and Pippin fell off of the troll. Legolas dropped his bow. Aragorn was thrown aside by a blow from the troll's club that should have smashed him into several pieces. Eru only knew where Boromir and Gimli were. The canon was being disrupted so blatantly that it was disorienting Tina.
"Mary Sue! Do something!" Legolas yelled.
"Me?! What can I do?!" Tina yelled, and stamped her foot to emphasize her frustration. She didn't have much of a choice though, as the cave troll suddenly decided she was much more interesting than a few defenseless hobbits and started making its way towards her. She gulped and held her sword in its direction. It raised it's club up and Tina clenched her sword tighter.
'Don't scream - don't trip - do something RIGHT for once, even if this IS a Mary Sue . . .' she thought (she couldn't exactly let the troll live), and dived foreword as the club smashed a gaping hole where she had previously stood. She scrambled to her feet, right next to those of the troll. An idea occurred to her - and she almost laughed. It was too ridiculous.
"Mary Sue!" Legolas shouted urgently as the troll started to move. Tina shrugged. Couldn't hurt to try. . . then again, maybe it could. Ah, whatever.
Tina stuck out her foot.
The troll started forward and his foot caught on hers - and surprisingly, she wasn't the one who went flying. The troll did. It landed face down on the ground and lay, unmoving.
"You have GOT to be kidding me!" Tina shouted as the room stopped wavering and everyone started rushing to Frodo.
Frodo!
Tina tried not to look too overjoyed when Aragorn announced he was alive and everyone fawned over the hobbit's mithril coat. After all, she'd known it already. Still it wasn't fun to watch someone who was your hero get (nearly) skewered.
"We must go." Gandalf said, and the Fellowship dashed out of the tomb and into Dwarrodelf. Tina pulled out her sword just in case one of the many orcs swarming down around them attacked. The twisted beings surrounded the Fellowship. Just looking at them all made Tina a bit dizzy. Suddenly, bright orange light caught Tina's eye.
"A Balrog . . ." Gandalf said.
Tina should have been terrified. She should have been shaking in her boots (or high heels) and wetting her dress. But to be quite honest, after the cave troll, she didn't expect much.
The Fellowship ran. Tina ran too. Down the immense stairs, stopping before she fell over a broken edge to her doom, leaping with elven-grace across marred spaces in the stonework. In short, nancing just like a Mary Sue.
Legolas leapt over the great gap in the mini-bridge and turned around.
"Mary Sue!" he cried, as orc arrows began to rain about them. Tina leapt with surprising grace across the gap and landed quite delicately on the steps, next to Legolas, who looked at her sappily. Tina was too busy staring fearfully at Frodo to notice.
Gandalf jumped; Boromir jumped; Merry and Pippin (for some reason) jumped; Gimli jumped and "made the rock crumble under his feet". Aragorn and Frodo threw themselves backwards as an immense boulder fell from the roof and effectively turned the steps upon which the Man and Hobbit stood into an island in midair. Tina's heart was in her throat. The stairs wavered, tipped to the side . . . Aragorn and Frodo leaned forward and Tina held her breath, her heart racing as the stair tipped towards her oh-so-slowly . . .
The stairs crashed together, and Frodo tumbled into Tina's arms. The blood rushed to her face as she stared directly into his beautiful blue eyes. He was saying her name . . . over and over . . .
"Yes?" Tina replied.
"You can put me down now." Frodo said. Tina blushed even more brightly and set the hobbit down.
The Fellowship ran some more. As they came to the bridge, Tina heard a great roaring and felt a rush of hot air that meant that the Balrog surely had appeared. She didn't look back. She didn't really think she needed to see a fiery demon cloaked in shadow at this time. The Fellowship (sans Gandalf) began to cross the bridge, and somehow Tina was the last one across.
'Don't look down, don't look down,' she chanted as she ran, trying not to thing of how much time she'd have to scream if she fell or the Balrog behind her, when the Author's voice made her stop.
-Alinagawathawen turned, Gandalf could not destroy the monster himself . . .-
No. No no no no NO.
Tina turned her head just enough to see how Gandalf was doing. He wasn't dead yet, but he certainly wasn't doing as well as in the movie. As a matter of fact, he was quailing.
On one hand, Tina didn't want to show off any more Mary Sue abilities than necessary. On the other hand, Gandalf appeared to be loosing and a Balrog loose in Middle Earth would most certainly disrupt the canon in a most horrible way. She stalked up next to Gandalf, hoping she wasn't going to die.
-Alinagawathawen began to glow. She was so bright that the Balrog backed up and covered it's eyes. . .-
Tina blew the Balrog a very long, loud raspberry. Her "attack" was so fierce that the fiery demon raised it's hand to shield itself from her spit.
"You shall not pass!" Gandalf shouted, seeming to regain some of his former glory, and brought his staff down. The bridge cracked and the Balrog fell. Tina peered over the edge. She had one last thing to make sure of. But it was quite clear that the Balrog's whip was not going to pull Gandalf off the bridge. Tina looked at the Fellowship - they had started to run again. She looked at Gandalf - he was watching the Balrog fall. There was only one thing to do. The canon was starting to go all wavery again.
Tina strolled up to Gandalf in what she clearly thought was a casual fashion, whistling nervously, and with a swift movement pushed him off the bridge. The canon lurched and the Fellowship turned back to see Gandalf hanging from the bridge. Tina actually giggled. The entire concept was ridiculously funny.
"GANDALF!" Frodo cried, and Tina had a sudden urge to help him up.
"Fly, you fools!" Gandalf shouted, and let go. Frodo wailed, and though she was far away Tina could see his expression as clearly as when she was watching it on a big screen in the movie theater. His expression was heart wrenching, and Tina was overwhelmed with guilt. Suddenly pushing Gandalf off a bridge didn't seem so amusing.
"It was for your own good . . ." she whispered, more to comfort herself than him. Orc arrows fell around her like rain. She picked up her ridiculous skirt and ran, Frodo's cry echoing in her ears, tears welling up in her eyes.
SHE had caused this. Even if it was the best thing she could have possibly done for Frodo (and, she reminded herself, the entire story), she felt awful.
Tina caught up with the Fellowship in an oddly short amount of time. She was vaguely aware that Legolas saved her life a few more times, but how and from what she wasn't sure. She was all too glad to leave the mine, even though the sudden light made her eyes hurt. She rubbed her eyes and sniffed despondently as the hobbits all sobbed. As her eyes adjusted she raised her head and watched as a tear formed in Frodo's impossibly blue eye and ran down his cheek. She resisted the urge to hug him.
"We must keep moving. The orcs won't stay there for long." Aragorn said.
-"But look! They are sad! Can't we let them have a few minutes?" Alinagawathawen asked . . .-
Tina ignored the Author and followed Aragorn, glad for the distraction.
Chapter 6
Of Really Really Stupid Authors
"It's this way."
Tina jerked out of her light sleep as Gandalf made his decision.
"Are you sure, Gandalf?" Frodo asked as the "old man" got up.
"Sometimes I'm never sure." Gandalf said. Tina gagged, but followed, wiping her sleepy eyes and trying to ignore her grumbling stomach, which she was sure was going to summon orcs sooner or later. Gandalf flung out his hand.
"Behold!" he cried, and Tina promptly forgot about her exhaustion and her hunger as she beheld what had once, at the hand of a better Author than this, been Dwarrodelf. For a second she forgot to make sure she didn't mess with the canon.
"That's an eye opener. . ." Tina said at the exact same moment as Sam. The Fellowship looked at her oddly.
"What? It is!" Tina insisted.
What proper memory of the movie the author had seemed to be fading, as Gimli made no motion to separate from the Fellowship and Gandalf promptly led them all into Balin's tomb. It reeked of even more decay than the rest of the mines, for some reason, and Tina pulled her cloak over her nose in distaste. She listened hard to the words in her head.
-The dusty room was full of the scent of decaying bodies . . .-
'Why does it smell so much worse than the rest of the mines, then?' Tina wondered, noticing that though the room was filled with the scent of decaying bodies it was not filled with the decaying bodies themselves. Go figure. Normally this breach of canon would have irked Tina, but the fear of the Watcher still lingered, and she was beginning to think she heard drums, even though Pippin hadn't pushed anything into a well yet.
'My mind is playing tricks on me. . .' she thought as Gimli completely lost his composure and bawled over his cousin's tomb. The Dwarf's "racking sobs" were interrupted by a horrendous crash that signaled Pippin pushing a skeleton down the well. Tina slapped her hands over her pointed ears.
"Fool of a Took!" Gandalf shouted. "You shall get us all killed!"
"Aww, aren't you going to tell him to throw himself in?" Tina said quietly when Gandalf walked by. Gandalf blinked, as if recalling something from a dream and turned around.
"And . . . throw yourself in next time, and save us the trouble!" he said to Pippin, his voice growing stronger as he slowly recalled the words.
'Not bad. Not exactly what he was supposed to say, but not bad.' Tina thought.
Then the drums started up.
"They are coming!" Legolas yelled, and jumped to Tina's side with his bow ready. "Prepare to fight, Mary-Sue."
-"Legolas, I am frightened . . ." Alinagawathawen said softly.
"Do not fear Lady, I will protect you." Legolas gallently stated . . .-
"Yeah yeah, whatever you say." Tina muttered. Bow or sword? Bow or sword? At the moment she wasn't really sure she could wield either, but her odds of surviving were certainly better if she had a weapon. In the end she pulled an arrow out of her quiver (dropping it only once) and aimed for the doors (which had been conveniently barred while Legolas tried to have a moment with Tina).
"They have a cave troll," Boromir declared, and Tina suppressed a moan. At least it wasn't the Watcher.
Somehow Tina's Mary-Sue abilities kicked in when the orcs attacked the hapless door and she suddenly found herself shooting arrows through the holes and into the eyes and throats of the hideous beings. She stopped, her hand halfway back to her quiver. Could it hurt canon that much if she shot a couple of orcs? But while she stood there, pondering how much she was disrupting the plot the orcs burst through the door and at her and she really had no choice. Orcs seemed to swarm her from all angles and arrows began to seem like not enough. Tina dropped her bow and pulled out her sword in a swift motion she didn't know she could perform. Once again she was overcome with Mary Sue abilities and orcs fell as if she were mowing them down with a machine gun.
'One of those would be useful right now,' Tina thought as a particularly nasty looking orc shredded her ridiculous sleeve with his blade. Tina jumped back and tripped over a decaying dwarf. Her sword went flying and she fell on her perfectly sized posterior - not too big, but definitely not flat. The orc raised his sword up. Tina screamed. She was going to die. She couldn't die. Would the Author let her die? The orc began to sweep it's blade downwards as Tina tried to make her legs work when suddenly the orc choked, froze, and fell over with an arrow in it's neck. A rather disgusting sight. Tina pulled herself out of the way as it fell over.
"Mary Sue! Are you hurt?" Legolas cried, leaping over the fallen orc. "Are you okay?"
"GO KILL THE STUPID CAVE TROLL OR SOMETHING!" Tina shouted, furious with herself, the Author, even Legolas. The elf blinked and started shooting some more orcs as the troll played peek-a-boo with Frodo around a column. Tina busied herself with fending off a few more orcs while she tried to remember what came next. It was a bit hard to focus when bunches of horrifying creatures were trying to decapitate her. She glanced over to see how Frodo was doing . . .
Just as the cave troll jammed a spear into his side.
"NOO!" Tina wailed. She forgot about the canon - forgot that she was a Mary-Sue - even forgot that Frodo wasn't going to die. She swung her sword around and tried to get to him, but tripped over a conveniently placed dead orc. The look on Frodo's face was heartbreaking. Tina could feel tears welling up in her eyes. This was more realistic than the movie, and she cried during that too.
Merry and Pippin leapt on top of the troll and for a moment Tina was tempted to do so as well. She pushed herself up and started towards the troll, hell-bent on at least giving it a good kick in the shins, when she remembered that that was most likely exactly what the Author wanted her to do. Tina suddenly felt very strange. The room seemed to tilt and waver. Merry and Pippin fell off of the troll. Legolas dropped his bow. Aragorn was thrown aside by a blow from the troll's club that should have smashed him into several pieces. Eru only knew where Boromir and Gimli were. The canon was being disrupted so blatantly that it was disorienting Tina.
"Mary Sue! Do something!" Legolas yelled.
"Me?! What can I do?!" Tina yelled, and stamped her foot to emphasize her frustration. She didn't have much of a choice though, as the cave troll suddenly decided she was much more interesting than a few defenseless hobbits and started making its way towards her. She gulped and held her sword in its direction. It raised it's club up and Tina clenched her sword tighter.
'Don't scream - don't trip - do something RIGHT for once, even if this IS a Mary Sue . . .' she thought (she couldn't exactly let the troll live), and dived foreword as the club smashed a gaping hole where she had previously stood. She scrambled to her feet, right next to those of the troll. An idea occurred to her - and she almost laughed. It was too ridiculous.
"Mary Sue!" Legolas shouted urgently as the troll started to move. Tina shrugged. Couldn't hurt to try. . . then again, maybe it could. Ah, whatever.
Tina stuck out her foot.
The troll started forward and his foot caught on hers - and surprisingly, she wasn't the one who went flying. The troll did. It landed face down on the ground and lay, unmoving.
"You have GOT to be kidding me!" Tina shouted as the room stopped wavering and everyone started rushing to Frodo.
Frodo!
Tina tried not to look too overjoyed when Aragorn announced he was alive and everyone fawned over the hobbit's mithril coat. After all, she'd known it already. Still it wasn't fun to watch someone who was your hero get (nearly) skewered.
"We must go." Gandalf said, and the Fellowship dashed out of the tomb and into Dwarrodelf. Tina pulled out her sword just in case one of the many orcs swarming down around them attacked. The twisted beings surrounded the Fellowship. Just looking at them all made Tina a bit dizzy. Suddenly, bright orange light caught Tina's eye.
"A Balrog . . ." Gandalf said.
Tina should have been terrified. She should have been shaking in her boots (or high heels) and wetting her dress. But to be quite honest, after the cave troll, she didn't expect much.
The Fellowship ran. Tina ran too. Down the immense stairs, stopping before she fell over a broken edge to her doom, leaping with elven-grace across marred spaces in the stonework. In short, nancing just like a Mary Sue.
Legolas leapt over the great gap in the mini-bridge and turned around.
"Mary Sue!" he cried, as orc arrows began to rain about them. Tina leapt with surprising grace across the gap and landed quite delicately on the steps, next to Legolas, who looked at her sappily. Tina was too busy staring fearfully at Frodo to notice.
Gandalf jumped; Boromir jumped; Merry and Pippin (for some reason) jumped; Gimli jumped and "made the rock crumble under his feet". Aragorn and Frodo threw themselves backwards as an immense boulder fell from the roof and effectively turned the steps upon which the Man and Hobbit stood into an island in midair. Tina's heart was in her throat. The stairs wavered, tipped to the side . . . Aragorn and Frodo leaned forward and Tina held her breath, her heart racing as the stair tipped towards her oh-so-slowly . . .
The stairs crashed together, and Frodo tumbled into Tina's arms. The blood rushed to her face as she stared directly into his beautiful blue eyes. He was saying her name . . . over and over . . .
"Yes?" Tina replied.
"You can put me down now." Frodo said. Tina blushed even more brightly and set the hobbit down.
The Fellowship ran some more. As they came to the bridge, Tina heard a great roaring and felt a rush of hot air that meant that the Balrog surely had appeared. She didn't look back. She didn't really think she needed to see a fiery demon cloaked in shadow at this time. The Fellowship (sans Gandalf) began to cross the bridge, and somehow Tina was the last one across.
'Don't look down, don't look down,' she chanted as she ran, trying not to thing of how much time she'd have to scream if she fell or the Balrog behind her, when the Author's voice made her stop.
-Alinagawathawen turned, Gandalf could not destroy the monster himself . . .-
No. No no no no NO.
Tina turned her head just enough to see how Gandalf was doing. He wasn't dead yet, but he certainly wasn't doing as well as in the movie. As a matter of fact, he was quailing.
On one hand, Tina didn't want to show off any more Mary Sue abilities than necessary. On the other hand, Gandalf appeared to be loosing and a Balrog loose in Middle Earth would most certainly disrupt the canon in a most horrible way. She stalked up next to Gandalf, hoping she wasn't going to die.
-Alinagawathawen began to glow. She was so bright that the Balrog backed up and covered it's eyes. . .-
Tina blew the Balrog a very long, loud raspberry. Her "attack" was so fierce that the fiery demon raised it's hand to shield itself from her spit.
"You shall not pass!" Gandalf shouted, seeming to regain some of his former glory, and brought his staff down. The bridge cracked and the Balrog fell. Tina peered over the edge. She had one last thing to make sure of. But it was quite clear that the Balrog's whip was not going to pull Gandalf off the bridge. Tina looked at the Fellowship - they had started to run again. She looked at Gandalf - he was watching the Balrog fall. There was only one thing to do. The canon was starting to go all wavery again.
Tina strolled up to Gandalf in what she clearly thought was a casual fashion, whistling nervously, and with a swift movement pushed him off the bridge. The canon lurched and the Fellowship turned back to see Gandalf hanging from the bridge. Tina actually giggled. The entire concept was ridiculously funny.
"GANDALF!" Frodo cried, and Tina had a sudden urge to help him up.
"Fly, you fools!" Gandalf shouted, and let go. Frodo wailed, and though she was far away Tina could see his expression as clearly as when she was watching it on a big screen in the movie theater. His expression was heart wrenching, and Tina was overwhelmed with guilt. Suddenly pushing Gandalf off a bridge didn't seem so amusing.
"It was for your own good . . ." she whispered, more to comfort herself than him. Orc arrows fell around her like rain. She picked up her ridiculous skirt and ran, Frodo's cry echoing in her ears, tears welling up in her eyes.
SHE had caused this. Even if it was the best thing she could have possibly done for Frodo (and, she reminded herself, the entire story), she felt awful.
Tina caught up with the Fellowship in an oddly short amount of time. She was vaguely aware that Legolas saved her life a few more times, but how and from what she wasn't sure. She was all too glad to leave the mine, even though the sudden light made her eyes hurt. She rubbed her eyes and sniffed despondently as the hobbits all sobbed. As her eyes adjusted she raised her head and watched as a tear formed in Frodo's impossibly blue eye and ran down his cheek. She resisted the urge to hug him.
"We must keep moving. The orcs won't stay there for long." Aragorn said.
-"But look! They are sad! Can't we let them have a few minutes?" Alinagawathawen asked . . .-
Tina ignored the Author and followed Aragorn, glad for the distraction.
