A/N: Make up your own disclaimer.

Oh, and my heartfelt apologies go out to all those Boromir and Legolas fans who shall want to hunt me down and hang me with my own intestines after this chapter.


Chapter 8

Oh, make up your own title.


Now normally, Tina would have wailed continuously in absolute horror. Or at the very least until her voice gave out. If she hadn't been so disgusted that her brain was still functioning properly, she would have wondered how the Hell she could be Galadriel's daughter when she was "A quarter human, a quarter hobbit, a quarter elf, and a quarter mermaid". Maybe she might have even noticed that she had somehow morphed into an elf during her little nance around Middle Earth. But, despite Tina's justifiable horror at having been pronounced Galadriel's daughter, all these thoughts were driven from her
mind by the latest non-canonical instance;

A feast.

With COFFEE.

Tina thanked every single Valar by name and all the Maiar she could remember as she inhaled the scent of the precious black liquid in the mug clenched protectively in her hands. She was deaf to the praise of the elves, the attempts at wooing made to her by Legolas, and even the really stupid speeches Celeborn was making. At least, until her coffee was gone. Tina sat back behind her characteristic stack of dishes, this time even larger than usual, and sipped the last mouthful of her coffee, making it last as long as she could. She was delightfully full and content, having not had what she considered a decent meal in what felt like months (and what WOULD have been a month or two, had this been the proper Fellowship of the Ring), and finally stuffed herself silly on food that rivaled even Elrond's when Galadriel finally caught her attention.

"Mary-Sue!" the Lady shouted, loosing her composure for an instant.

"Yeah, whaddaya want?" Tina asked insolently, placing her feet up on the table. This drew some odd stares from the elves.

"My daughter, my heart sings with joy that you have returned." Galadriel said.

'Oh for Valar's sake!' Tina thought, and groaned.

"Would you do us the honor then of blessing us with a song of your voice?"

Tina blinked and tried to straighten the sentence out in her head. Legolas, however, seemed to understand completely.

"Yes, fair maid, sing for us! Your voice is more beutiful then that of a thousand birds!"

"A thousand birds are just really noisy." Tina pointed out, and the elves fell silent, wondering why Legolas' sentence, which they had thought poetic a second ago, now made very little sense.

"Please sing for us, Mary-Sue." Frodo requested, staring at Tina, who bit her lower lip and tried to look away. Ai Eru, why couldn't she resist those eyes? She groaned and stood up.

"Fine," she said, and began to push dishes off the table. Once she had a place cleared, she jumped up on top of it and started to kick dishes off to make more room. A plate of what looked like mashed potatoes landed in Legolas' lap. A cheese platter was deposited all over Aragorn. Pippin was soaked by a bowl of soup that Tina hoped wasn't too hot. And the odd thing was, they didn't seem to mind. They were too busy staring at her like morons, as were the rest of the elves. Albeit the Galadhrim looked a bit more confused than the Fellowship. Tina supposed the Author hadn't had a chance to gain as much control over them as she had over the Fellowship. Tina opened her rosebud mouth and started to sing.

"My bologna has a first name, it's O-S-C-A-R! My bologna has a second name, it's M-A-Y-E-R! Oh I love to eat it every day and if you ask me why I'll say . . . 'cause Oscar Mayer has a way with B-O-L-O-G-N-A!"

The Fellowship started to clap and cheer, but their collective sound was small compared to the silence of the Galadhrim. The elves were looking at Tina as though trying to decide whether her song was beautiful or just plain stupid. Tina could almost see the Author fighting for control over them. Unfortunately, the Author eventually won and one of the elves started clapping. Tina scooped up a handful of something that might have been a mashed vegetable and flung it in his face.

None of the other elves clapped.

With most of the food eaten and nothing else interesting to do, the guests left the table. Tina wandered away from the Fellowship. She was tired of being hit on every five seconds, and of always being forced to be the center of attention. Mostly she was quite depressed. For years she'd wanted to come to Middle Earth. See the unspoiled land, meet the characters she respected and idolized so much, maybe even learn an orc slaying technique or two. What Lord of the Rings fan didn't? And when she finally got her wish, she had to be a Mary-Sue. A Mary-Sue, and by that name even! It was horrible. It was a nightmare. It was the greatest disappointment she could suffer. It was -

Tina was interrupted when her sensitive elf ears picked up the sound of soft footfalls behind her. Lady Galadriel was standing behind her. Once again, Tina lost control of her vocal chords as she stared, open mouthed, at the Lady of what had once been the Golden Wood.

"Uh . . ." she said.

"Mary-Sue," Galadriel said quietly, staring at her with the glazed eyes Tina had become so accustomed to seeing. "I must talk with you."

"Uh huh . . ." Tina said, managing to add another syllable to her around-Galadriel-vocabulary.

"My daughter . . ." she sighed, her glassy eyes welling up.

Tina suddenly found the Lady much less impressive.

"Not the real Galadriel. Not the real Galadriel. She's under the control of the Author." She reminded herself

Galadriel sat down against a tree and motioned for Tina to do the same. Tina sat, mainly because she couldn't think of anything else to do, and because she wanted to stare at Galadriel some more (even if she was being influenced by an evil Author).

"I know what you feel in your heart," Galadriel said, suddenly becoming serious. "And I have seen how you look at the elf prince."

"You mean, in complete and total horror that he's going to ambush and rape me in my sleep?" Tina asked, pleased to find that her voice worked again. Galadriel blinked.

"No. . ." she said finally. "You gaze upon him with longing and love."

'Longing before love, of course' Tina thought.

"And he looks upon you in a similar manner." The Lady continued. "I have seen it."

'Have you seen how much I wish everyone would stop lusting over me, then?' Tina thought, narrowing her eyes. Galadriel didn't notice and continued to babble in a horribly Mary-Sue induced fashion that made Tina wince every three seconds.

". . . and I am ready to listen, if you have anything to ask me." Galadriel said, ending her speech. Tina nearly retched. Galadriel stood up, apparently sure that her long lost daughter didn't have any questions.

But Tina surprised her.

"I have a question: How in Eru's green Arda can I be a quarter hobbit, quarter human, quarter elf, and quarter mermaid if YOU'RE my mom?"

Galadriel blinked.

"Mary-Sue, you are not . . . all of those things. You are an elf, and one of high birth at that." she said, and hurried off. Probably to say odd things to Frodo.

Tina wondered how she'd managed to morph from . . . whatever she was at the beginning of the story to an elf and when it happened. The ground was getting uncomfortable, so she stood up and started walking aimlessly, contemplating ways to get out of this horrible place.

"No, fair maiden! I cannot love you, for I love fair Mary Sue!"

Tina peered past the trees and recognized Legolas. A female elf had draped herself across his chest.

"Oh Legolas! Don't you see I love you? I cannot live without you!" the elf simpered, her eyes glassy and blank.

"No, my love for Mary Sue is always true, Sitara. I cannot love another!" Legolas said.

"Oh Legolas," Sitara whined. Tina rolled her eyes and stalked off. Was this the Author's idea of making Legolas look loyal?

She didn't quite notice how far she'd walked when she heard someone following her.

"Mary-Sue!" a harsh voice yelled and Tina stopped walking. She looked over her shoulder and saw Boromir standing behind her. She glanced around and saw a river - probably the Silverlode. There were no elves in sight.

Tina got a horrible feeling.

"Uh . . .yeah?" she asked, hoping Boromir would by some miracle act like his normal self.

He wouldn't.

"Mary Sue . . . I must talk to you." he said, striding up and grabbing Tina's hands. She gently pulled them out, careful not to excite his anger.

"Mary Sue . . . I know of your feelings towards Legolas." he said, grabbing her hands again. Tina wanted to say 'So YOU know I'm terrified of this horrible twisted version of him as well?' but she didn't.

"Legolas is a mere elf prince. Not worthy of a beautiful maiden such as yourself." Boromir continued.

-"How can you say such things of your friend, Boromir?" Alinagawathawen stated shocked. . .- The Author said, and Tina ignored him/her/it. This was no time to be defending Legolas. Especially not a Mary-Sue induced Legolas.

"Go away, dude." Tina said, backing up and fixing her supreme death glare at Boromir. Man, did she hate Mary Sue Boromirs. They were such a far cry from the real Boromir it was just sad.

"I, however, am a Lord of Gondor! I am far more worthy of you than Legolas is!" Boromir said, getting so close to Tina that she was quite uncomfortable.

-"I can choose who to love on my own, thank you." Alinagawathawen sniffed . . .-

"You scare me. Go away." Tina ordered sharply.

"I am the Lord of Gondor!" Boromir repeated, and Tina was tempted to inquire what had happened to Denethor. She didn't get the chance, though, because Boromir promptly pushed her to the ground. Before she could get up, he dropped and put his knee on her stomach. On her bladder, actually. It was quite uncomfortable.

"I will have you!" Boromir cried, and started to fumble at the neckline of her dress.

-"Oh! Help me, someone help!" Alinagawathawen cried . . .-

Yeah. Right.

Alinagawathawen may have been able to slay orcs by the dozens, but she was positively helpless when someone who was normally a pretty cool guy was raping her.

Tina wasn't.

With a quick apology to whatever there was of the REAL Boromir hiding inside this twisted Mary-Sue induced being, Tina spit in his face and when he leaned back in shock, grunted and brought her knee up - directly into his crotch.

Boromir's eyes bugged out and he made a very odd sound. Tina pushed him aside and he curled up on the ground in a fetal position, whimpering and rocking back and forth. Tina stood up and pulled her dress sleeve up over her shoulder again. Legolas appeared just as she was brushing herself off.

"Mary-Sue! What happened? I heard your cry . . ." he said, and glanced from Tina to Boromir and back.

"Nothing." Tina said calmly, hoping to avoid what she was quite certain would happen next.

"What did he do to you?" Legolas asked, grabbing Tina by the shoulders.

-"Legolas, it was awful . . ." Alinagawathawen moaned. She put her face into his shoulder and sobbed . . .-

"Oh quit trying to be a hero and go away." Tina said, stalking past Legolas - or trying to, anyway. To her surprise, he grabbed her and held her close in his strong embrace. Tina squirmed and muttered "lemme go!" into his chest, as well as other things that are not suitable to print here.

"It's all right, Mary-Sue. You're safe now." He said, and loosened his embrace enough to let Tina remove her face from his chest. She glared at him and started to shout obscenities, but Legolas grabbed her face (albeit gently) and brought his lips to her mouth in a passionate kiss. He started to reach up to her shoulders to pull down the sleeves of her dress.

And Tina certainly wasn't going to have any of that.

She seized his pointy ear and twisted it as she used to when her sister pulled her hair when she was younger. Legolas separated from her and twisted his head, trying to lessen the pain in his ear.

"Owowow!" he moaned as Tina pushed him away. He sprawled on his backside on the banks of the river (Boromir had conveniently disappeared).

"Mary-Sue! Why do you reject my love?" he said plaintively.

"I'm not in love with you! Get that through your Author-induced head! And stop hitting on me!" Tina yelled and automatically stalked off. She was going to where Boromir should be talking to Aragorn, and where the hobbits were sleeping. Almost without thinking she walked into the middle of the hobbits, who all woke up at her approach (Frodo was as well). She sat down, thinking she'd be safe there amid the small people.
But she wasn't out of the woods yet.

"Why do you always retreat to the hobbits?" Legolas called from behind her. He had followed her.

"Uh . . ."

"If I didn't know any better . . ." Legolas hissed. "I would swear that you were in love with. . . Frodo!"

All the hobbits sat up suddenly and Frodo grinned like an idiot. Tina bit her lower lip. Uh oh. How was she going to get out of this one?

"I have seen the way you look at him!" Legolas continued.

"WHY IS THE WAY I LOOK AT EVERYONE SO DAMN NOTICEABLE!?" Tina screamed. She had been angry before, but now her temper was completely shot. She was getting a headache. "STOP STARING AT ME ALL THE TIME! I'M NOT IN LOVE WITH YOU!"

"But . . ." Legolas started to say, as if he could see no reason why she wouldn't be madly in love with him.

"AND I'M NOT IN LOVE WITH FRODO," Tina lied, "AND FROM NOW ON YOU ARE ALL GOING TO JUST LEAVE ME DAMN WELL ALONE!"

The Fellowship stared at her in shock. Tina stomped her foot with one more enraged scream and started to walk to the other side of a very large tree. She heard soft footfalls behind her. She turned around, her eyes blazing, her teeth gritted, and her hands clenched so tightly she was almost making herself bleed.

"DON'T! FOLLOW! ME!" She screeched at Legolas.

"But . . ." Legolas said yet again. Tina let out an enraged scream . . .

And seemed to regain her composure.

"Sam?" she said, and the hobbit jumped to his feet.

"May I borrow your frying pan?" she asked, and he handed it over without question. Tina thanked him, and with a swift movement brought the pan down on Legolas' head. Lórien rang with the resulting clang and Legolas dropped to the ground muttering something in Sindarin about purple ducks and rabid penguins. Tina handed Sam his pan and stomped off through Lórien, determined to get away from any and all testosterone-driven males she might encounter.