Disclaimer: . . . nope, still not mine.
Chapter 9
The Breaking of Tina's Sanity
Tina didn't sleep very well that night. She was too busy jumping at every random noise, terrified that one of the males in the vicinity would catch her off guard. When morning finally came she staggered down to the Silverlode with red eyes and a cup of coffee she'd filched off a random elf. The rest of the Fellowship was waiting. Tina carefully avoided Legolas, and only looked at Boromir long enough to observe that he was limping. Aragorn noticed how Tina was carefully avoiding the elf and the other man and seized the opportunity to be out-of-character.
"Lady Mary-Sue. Come, you shall ride in this boat."
"Uh . . . " Tina said, trying not to notice how the hobbits and dwarf seemed to be switching boats every few seconds. Should she go with Aragorn? He'd probably forget about Arwen and start hitting on her too, but if she went with Legolas, he'd probably try to hit on her again. And if she went with Boromir . . .
"No, Mary-Sue! Come here!" Legolas strode up, apparently angry that Aragorn was trying to steal his lust object. He grabbed Tina's arm and started to pull her to his boat.
"ACK!" Tina exclaimed as Legolas nearly pulled her off her high heels (the Galadhrim had given her new ones). The only thing that stopped her from falling was Aragorn (he had grabbed her other arm).
"No, come with ME." he said, yanking on Tina's arm.
"What am I, a yo-yo?" Tina yelled as Legolas and Aragorn pulled her back and forth. "Just for that, I'm going with Boromir." She pulled her hands away and stomped off to Boromir's boat. His eyes lit up.
"So you admit it, you DO have feelings for-" he started to say, but Tina cut him off sharply.
"Can it, you jerk. I'm only here so Aragorn and Legolas don't kill each other." she snapped, and tried not to notice how Merry and Pippin kept inexplicably switching boats.
---
There isn't much to do on a long boat ride down the Anduin but paddle, and that becomes boring quickly. It becomes sheer torture when your muscles start to seize up and your hands grow blisters the size of grapefruit. And that was exactly what happened to Tina.
She allowed herself a break only when the Fellowship reached the Argonath, and when they did she was too stunned for a few seconds to let go of her paddle.
"Ai Eru!" she gasped, staring upwards at the great pillars of the Kings, whose toes were almost as big as her. The great cliffs to her sides looked like stairs made for giants, and she felt very small as she pried her stiff and painful hands off the paddle.
"They're huge . . ." Boromir said, and Tina considered nominating him for the understatement of the year award. With a pained sigh she picked up her paddle and helped Boromir steer the boat towards the shore.
After all the boats had been pulled out of the water, Tina sat in the sand flexing her stiff fingers. She didn't fancy the idea of having her head lopped off by an Uruk-hai, and she needed full use of her hands to wield her sword. Half an hour past silently, and Tina looked up to see that Frodo and Boromir had both disappeared. No one had noticed, so she poked Sam.
"Hey, where's Frodo?" she asked, and Sam predictably panicked. The Fellowship scattered to look for him and Tina wondered what to do with herself. She trailed after Gimli for a while, but hung back from the Fellowship. Maybe she should climb a tree. Yeah, she might be safe there. Did Uruk-hai climb trees?
Frodo suddenly appeared in the air out of nowhere and landed in front of Tina with a flump. Before he could get his bearings, Tina turned tail and fled.
-"Frodo!" Alinagawathawen said as the hobbit appeared. "Where were you?"- Said the voice in Tina's head. The Author went on and on, prompting Tina to do Aragorn's job. Tina stayed where she was as Frodo stood there like an idiot. Maybe if she waited here long enough, Aragorn would actually do his job . . .
"Mary-Sue!" Frodo suddenly cried joyously, and Tina cringed. He'd found her.
"Uh . . . " she said as the hobbit ran up, grinning from pointy ear to pointy ear. She sighed sadly - oh this WAS a disgrace. Just looking at this cardboard cutout version of the real Frodo made her angry. How a brave and stoic character like Frodo who she admired so much could be reduced to a simpering Sue'd up fool so completely was depressing beyond belief. What she wouldn't have given to see those beautiful eyes clear . . .
But Frodo was babbling about how he was scared of Boromir and didn't know what to do, and Tina bit her lip.
"Um . . . talk to Aragorn." She said, and ran off before Frodo could insist he needed HER help. She could only hope they would start acting like themselves while she was gone. She wondered if she should turn back and watch, just to make sure things went right, when she heard a sharp whistling and an arrow buried itself in a tree right in front of her nose with a "THUNK".
"AAUGH!" Tina screamed, and yanked her sword out as more arrows started to rain down around her. Hideous faces were leering at her from every direction! An orc took a swing at her with his curved blade and she ducked just in time. She crawled away as the orc yanked his blade out of the tree she'd been standing against and started to run. The orcs jeered and followed her as Tina tried hard not to trip in her high heels. She thought she could hear the voices of some of the Fellowship when suddenly a particularly nasty looking orc popped up in front of her. Tina screamed and slashed wildly with her sword, and off went the orc's head. The other orcs suddenly decided they didn't want to deal with Tina and started to scatter. Tina blinked. That hadn't been hard, she thought, when suddenly she got a good look at the orc she'd decapitated. To her horror, it was Lurtz.
"OH GOD NO!" She moaned, but Pippin and Merry suddenly started to shout and Tina dived for cover, just as Boromir appeared to valiantly save them.
-Alinagawathawen stabbed an orc, and it fell dead. Many others suffered the same fate. Suddenly an orc grabbed Merry, and she chopped his head off with a single blow . . .-
"Nope, nothing doing." Tina muttered to herself.
But Boromir was doing too good a job being a hero. None of the other orcs had bows, and dead bodies were piling up. Apparently, the Author planned to spare Boromir and save Pippin and Merry.
"Oh no, oh no, oh no. . ." Tina moaned. She knew what she had to do, but she didn't want to do it. But Boromir decapitated another orc, and she realized there wasn't any other way. And Lurtz's body was close by . . .
Tina quietly slipped up to the dead Uruk-hai and picked up his bow and a handful of his arrows. She crept behind a tree and put three arrows in the bow at once. She could feel her Mary-Sue induced weapons mastery at work as she slowly pulled the bow back. Boromir turned to maul another orc. It was now or never. With a silent apology, Tina let go.
Each arrow landed squarely in Boromir's chest.
The orcs seized Pippin and Merry and dragged them off. Boromir fell to his knees and Aragorn appeared without warning. He looked around with a confused expression for the orc he was supposed to kill and spotted Boromir, lying on the ground. Legolas and Gimli appeared and looked around for Tina, but she wasn't there. She wasn't even in her hiding spot anymore.
Tina fled as soon as the arrows left the bow. Mary-Sues never missed, and there was something else she wanted to see. She ran to the boats and hid herself in a conveniently placed bush.
Frodo was standing there, holding the Ring, and for once his eyes were not glassy or clouded over. Tina wasn't supposed to be here. She was supposed to be listening to Boromir's dying speech. The Author wasn't even paying attention to Frodo and Sam - and Tina certainly wasn't going to miss an opportunity to see an un 'Sued Frodo.
For a long while he stood there, holding the Ring, and Tina watched. With her sensitive elf ears she could hear Sam coming, when Frodo snapped his hand shut and deposited the Ring in his pocket. He hopped into the boat and Tina quietly hummed "the Breaking of the Fellowship". Sam appeared and made a loyal fool of himself, and the two hobbits continued to the opposite bank. Tina could feel tears welling up in her eyes, and she wiped them away. She would miss the two hobbits, especially Frodo. But at least he was beyond the influence of the Author now. She could be thankful for that.
Legolas, Gimli, and Aragorn didn't take long to appear after that. Tina walked calmly out of her hiding place and joined them as Legolas pushed a boat into the water.
-"They must go alone, this is something Frodo has to do on his own, Legaols." Alinagawathawen stated and Legolas pulled the boat back.-
"Ah, let 'em go." Tina said, trying not to let Legolas see she was doing her best to see all that she could of Frodo before he was completely out of site.
"The Fellowship has failed!" Gimli said. It sounded rather random to Tina.
"No Gimli, for Pippin and Merry still need our help. We shall save them!" Aragorn said. "Come Legolas, Gimli, Mary-Sue, we'll hunt orc."
"What? No!" Tina yelled. "I don't wanna be a hunter! There's only supposed to be three!"
"But you must come, Mary-Sue." Legolas said, grabbing Tina's hand. She pulled it away.
"I don't wanna!" she whined.
It was futile to protest, but Tina never missed an opportunity to make a pain in the ass of herself in the hope that her whining might bring any of the characters out of the evil spell the Author had placed over them. Besides, she was just really sick of messing up all the numerical symbolism in the story. In the end, the un-canonical Four Hunters set off with Legolas and Aragorn literally dragging Tina through the woods while she jammed her heels into the soil and fired curses at them all the way.
Meanwhile, Boromir somehow miraculously came back to life, pushed one of the elf-boats into the water, lay down in it with his sword, and went over the falls. Tina's very pissed off voice rang through the woods and a passing fox sniffed at some very odd tracks that wound across the soil. The fox turned a lovely shade of green and passed out after getting a noseful of Tina's sickeningly sweet Mary-Sue scent, and the rest of the animals made a point of it to stay far away from the small trenches caused by some very durable high heels.
Chapter 9
The Breaking of Tina's Sanity
Tina didn't sleep very well that night. She was too busy jumping at every random noise, terrified that one of the males in the vicinity would catch her off guard. When morning finally came she staggered down to the Silverlode with red eyes and a cup of coffee she'd filched off a random elf. The rest of the Fellowship was waiting. Tina carefully avoided Legolas, and only looked at Boromir long enough to observe that he was limping. Aragorn noticed how Tina was carefully avoiding the elf and the other man and seized the opportunity to be out-of-character.
"Lady Mary-Sue. Come, you shall ride in this boat."
"Uh . . . " Tina said, trying not to notice how the hobbits and dwarf seemed to be switching boats every few seconds. Should she go with Aragorn? He'd probably forget about Arwen and start hitting on her too, but if she went with Legolas, he'd probably try to hit on her again. And if she went with Boromir . . .
"No, Mary-Sue! Come here!" Legolas strode up, apparently angry that Aragorn was trying to steal his lust object. He grabbed Tina's arm and started to pull her to his boat.
"ACK!" Tina exclaimed as Legolas nearly pulled her off her high heels (the Galadhrim had given her new ones). The only thing that stopped her from falling was Aragorn (he had grabbed her other arm).
"No, come with ME." he said, yanking on Tina's arm.
"What am I, a yo-yo?" Tina yelled as Legolas and Aragorn pulled her back and forth. "Just for that, I'm going with Boromir." She pulled her hands away and stomped off to Boromir's boat. His eyes lit up.
"So you admit it, you DO have feelings for-" he started to say, but Tina cut him off sharply.
"Can it, you jerk. I'm only here so Aragorn and Legolas don't kill each other." she snapped, and tried not to notice how Merry and Pippin kept inexplicably switching boats.
---
There isn't much to do on a long boat ride down the Anduin but paddle, and that becomes boring quickly. It becomes sheer torture when your muscles start to seize up and your hands grow blisters the size of grapefruit. And that was exactly what happened to Tina.
She allowed herself a break only when the Fellowship reached the Argonath, and when they did she was too stunned for a few seconds to let go of her paddle.
"Ai Eru!" she gasped, staring upwards at the great pillars of the Kings, whose toes were almost as big as her. The great cliffs to her sides looked like stairs made for giants, and she felt very small as she pried her stiff and painful hands off the paddle.
"They're huge . . ." Boromir said, and Tina considered nominating him for the understatement of the year award. With a pained sigh she picked up her paddle and helped Boromir steer the boat towards the shore.
After all the boats had been pulled out of the water, Tina sat in the sand flexing her stiff fingers. She didn't fancy the idea of having her head lopped off by an Uruk-hai, and she needed full use of her hands to wield her sword. Half an hour past silently, and Tina looked up to see that Frodo and Boromir had both disappeared. No one had noticed, so she poked Sam.
"Hey, where's Frodo?" she asked, and Sam predictably panicked. The Fellowship scattered to look for him and Tina wondered what to do with herself. She trailed after Gimli for a while, but hung back from the Fellowship. Maybe she should climb a tree. Yeah, she might be safe there. Did Uruk-hai climb trees?
Frodo suddenly appeared in the air out of nowhere and landed in front of Tina with a flump. Before he could get his bearings, Tina turned tail and fled.
-"Frodo!" Alinagawathawen said as the hobbit appeared. "Where were you?"- Said the voice in Tina's head. The Author went on and on, prompting Tina to do Aragorn's job. Tina stayed where she was as Frodo stood there like an idiot. Maybe if she waited here long enough, Aragorn would actually do his job . . .
"Mary-Sue!" Frodo suddenly cried joyously, and Tina cringed. He'd found her.
"Uh . . . " she said as the hobbit ran up, grinning from pointy ear to pointy ear. She sighed sadly - oh this WAS a disgrace. Just looking at this cardboard cutout version of the real Frodo made her angry. How a brave and stoic character like Frodo who she admired so much could be reduced to a simpering Sue'd up fool so completely was depressing beyond belief. What she wouldn't have given to see those beautiful eyes clear . . .
But Frodo was babbling about how he was scared of Boromir and didn't know what to do, and Tina bit her lip.
"Um . . . talk to Aragorn." She said, and ran off before Frodo could insist he needed HER help. She could only hope they would start acting like themselves while she was gone. She wondered if she should turn back and watch, just to make sure things went right, when she heard a sharp whistling and an arrow buried itself in a tree right in front of her nose with a "THUNK".
"AAUGH!" Tina screamed, and yanked her sword out as more arrows started to rain down around her. Hideous faces were leering at her from every direction! An orc took a swing at her with his curved blade and she ducked just in time. She crawled away as the orc yanked his blade out of the tree she'd been standing against and started to run. The orcs jeered and followed her as Tina tried hard not to trip in her high heels. She thought she could hear the voices of some of the Fellowship when suddenly a particularly nasty looking orc popped up in front of her. Tina screamed and slashed wildly with her sword, and off went the orc's head. The other orcs suddenly decided they didn't want to deal with Tina and started to scatter. Tina blinked. That hadn't been hard, she thought, when suddenly she got a good look at the orc she'd decapitated. To her horror, it was Lurtz.
"OH GOD NO!" She moaned, but Pippin and Merry suddenly started to shout and Tina dived for cover, just as Boromir appeared to valiantly save them.
-Alinagawathawen stabbed an orc, and it fell dead. Many others suffered the same fate. Suddenly an orc grabbed Merry, and she chopped his head off with a single blow . . .-
"Nope, nothing doing." Tina muttered to herself.
But Boromir was doing too good a job being a hero. None of the other orcs had bows, and dead bodies were piling up. Apparently, the Author planned to spare Boromir and save Pippin and Merry.
"Oh no, oh no, oh no. . ." Tina moaned. She knew what she had to do, but she didn't want to do it. But Boromir decapitated another orc, and she realized there wasn't any other way. And Lurtz's body was close by . . .
Tina quietly slipped up to the dead Uruk-hai and picked up his bow and a handful of his arrows. She crept behind a tree and put three arrows in the bow at once. She could feel her Mary-Sue induced weapons mastery at work as she slowly pulled the bow back. Boromir turned to maul another orc. It was now or never. With a silent apology, Tina let go.
Each arrow landed squarely in Boromir's chest.
The orcs seized Pippin and Merry and dragged them off. Boromir fell to his knees and Aragorn appeared without warning. He looked around with a confused expression for the orc he was supposed to kill and spotted Boromir, lying on the ground. Legolas and Gimli appeared and looked around for Tina, but she wasn't there. She wasn't even in her hiding spot anymore.
Tina fled as soon as the arrows left the bow. Mary-Sues never missed, and there was something else she wanted to see. She ran to the boats and hid herself in a conveniently placed bush.
Frodo was standing there, holding the Ring, and for once his eyes were not glassy or clouded over. Tina wasn't supposed to be here. She was supposed to be listening to Boromir's dying speech. The Author wasn't even paying attention to Frodo and Sam - and Tina certainly wasn't going to miss an opportunity to see an un 'Sued Frodo.
For a long while he stood there, holding the Ring, and Tina watched. With her sensitive elf ears she could hear Sam coming, when Frodo snapped his hand shut and deposited the Ring in his pocket. He hopped into the boat and Tina quietly hummed "the Breaking of the Fellowship". Sam appeared and made a loyal fool of himself, and the two hobbits continued to the opposite bank. Tina could feel tears welling up in her eyes, and she wiped them away. She would miss the two hobbits, especially Frodo. But at least he was beyond the influence of the Author now. She could be thankful for that.
Legolas, Gimli, and Aragorn didn't take long to appear after that. Tina walked calmly out of her hiding place and joined them as Legolas pushed a boat into the water.
-"They must go alone, this is something Frodo has to do on his own, Legaols." Alinagawathawen stated and Legolas pulled the boat back.-
"Ah, let 'em go." Tina said, trying not to let Legolas see she was doing her best to see all that she could of Frodo before he was completely out of site.
"The Fellowship has failed!" Gimli said. It sounded rather random to Tina.
"No Gimli, for Pippin and Merry still need our help. We shall save them!" Aragorn said. "Come Legolas, Gimli, Mary-Sue, we'll hunt orc."
"What? No!" Tina yelled. "I don't wanna be a hunter! There's only supposed to be three!"
"But you must come, Mary-Sue." Legolas said, grabbing Tina's hand. She pulled it away.
"I don't wanna!" she whined.
It was futile to protest, but Tina never missed an opportunity to make a pain in the ass of herself in the hope that her whining might bring any of the characters out of the evil spell the Author had placed over them. Besides, she was just really sick of messing up all the numerical symbolism in the story. In the end, the un-canonical Four Hunters set off with Legolas and Aragorn literally dragging Tina through the woods while she jammed her heels into the soil and fired curses at them all the way.
Meanwhile, Boromir somehow miraculously came back to life, pushed one of the elf-boats into the water, lay down in it with his sword, and went over the falls. Tina's very pissed off voice rang through the woods and a passing fox sniffed at some very odd tracks that wound across the soil. The fox turned a lovely shade of green and passed out after getting a noseful of Tina's sickeningly sweet Mary-Sue scent, and the rest of the animals made a point of it to stay far away from the small trenches caused by some very durable high heels.
