Turn Down Your Monitors (Where Applicable)
A Long Hitchike
I still don't know what the heck I'm doing here. Haruko hasn't explained
a thing to me (No surprise there, I guess). At any rate, I'm somewhere far outside
of the solar system, far away from everything I know and am familiar with. It
has been an adventure so far, and I have no idea where I will wind up next. But
I know one thing, whatever happens, nothing will be out of the ordinary, because
nothing amazing ever happens to me.
(Opening Theme)
Naota was frozen on the spot. Haruko stood in front of him, dressed in a long
blue robe, and wearing her guitar like a Samurai sword.
"Come with me, disciple. We must defend the village"
"There ISN'T any village! What are you talking about?" Naota asked,
trying to supress the fear welling up inside him.
"The emperor has ordered it, witless nave! You will obey his command!!!"
Before Naota could respond, Haruko was standing above him.
"Hold still, Sanjuro!!" She shouted.
Naota cringed as Haruko plunged her hands deep into his skull.
"Ooohhhhh, I've always wanted to touch it!!"
"OW!! BE CAREFUL, YOU WENCH!!!" (Huh?)
Naota struggled to get away, as Haruko grabbed hold of something deep
inside his skull. Out of the corner of his eye, he could see her pulling something out
of his head that appeared to be a long stick. Naota screamed in agony, at which
Haruko burst into song.
"Make ya scream with joy and shout! When I reach in and yank it OUT!!!"
She sang happily.
Suddenly, Haruko managed to pull it free of Naota's head. Naota groaned with
pain as he turned to see the vile abomination Haruko had brought forth from his head.
It was a vintage 1959 Gibson Les Paul. Naota was amazed, but he did not have time to
contemplate the beauty of the moment.
"And now disciple, you shall pay for questioning your master!!!"
"Puh-Please master!! I...." Naota whimpered, forgetting for a moment that this
wasn't feudal Japan.
Haruko launched him backward with the Les Paul, sending him crashing into the
wall behind him. In a split second, she was sprawled out on top of him, with a sinister
grin.
"Such a gentle face!"
"Will you get off of me!!" Naota yelled, as his mouth twisted into an angry sneer.
"Anger just makes you look sweeter, Takkun!" Haruko replied, unfazed.
"Arrrgh!!"
"You're like an un-sheathed sword, Takkun. Naked and sharp!"
"WHAT?!" Naota asked with horror.
"I'll show you how to use your sword!" Haruko said gently.
"NO!"
LATER
"Yeah, that's how you hold it Takkun! Now you have to swing it!"
Naota nodded weakly as he held the sword. (An actual sword)
"A sword only comes alive through skillful manipulation, Takkun!"
Mamimi interrupted them
"We're nearing the planet Allerga 7 now captain."
Naota looked up at Haruko, and saw that, for no apparent reason, she was dressed in
a flowing white gown. She had a circlet of silver on her head. Naota was mesmerized by
Haruko's beauty, and nearly lost his brain.
"H-Haruko" he said "you look...."
"Deploy the Vespa!! Let's Fooly Cooly!!"
Naota soon found himself clinging to the back of Haruko's vespa, as they descended
toward the alien planet. It struck Naota that he was getting an opportunity no one from
earth had ever gotten before. He would get to see an inhabited planet far outside the
solar system. The first thing Naota noticed about this new planet was the heat. He
suddenly felt like he had been sleeping in an oven. Then, Naota's nasal passages
constricted tightly, shutting off nearly all airflow into his body.
"H-Haruko" he choked "what's the problem here".
"The atmosphere of Allerga 7 is made up mainly of pollen, pet dander, ragweed,
and various other allergens."
As they descended through the clouds, Naota could begin to make out a large
statue. They came closer, and he could see that it was a statue of Haruko, wearing
the same flowing gown the real Haruko was wearing. Naota could make out a large
crowd of people approaching the statue from the distance.
"Who are they, Haruko?" he asked.
Mamimi answered.
"They are the loyal worshippers of Raharu, the goddess of the wind"
Mamimi knelt before Haruko.
"What? These people actually worship you?" Naota asked, astonished.
"If they want to breathe normally" Haruko answered.
The crowd was now nearing the "shrine". Most of them were dressed in rags,
while a few wore robes. All of them, for some reason, had a fish in their right ear.
They began to chant, "fooly cooly, fooly cooly" as they marched. The people threw
themselves on the ground at the foot of the shrine. All, except for one of them.
"Why do you not bow, primitive mon... er, my child?"
"I'm not wearing legs!" The man replied.
Haruko's warm smile disappeared, and gave way to a hideous anger.
"You WILL bow before me!! Or feel my wrath!!"
With those words, Haruko leapt down from the statue with her guitar poised
and ready to strike. Naota turned away in horror as she brought her bass crashing
down onto the man's skull. He lay motionless on the ground, and Haruko returned to the
platform. She stood above the people again, and looked down on them.
"Bring me offerings, my people, for my long journey."
They began to scatter, and run back to their villages, with fear in their eyes.
Naota was appalled. He angrily turned to Haruko.
"How can you do this?! Have you no shame?!" He demanded.
As soon as he had asked the second question, Naota knew it was a stupid one.
What an I saying? She IS an evil alien, after all.
"Still a kid, huh Takkun? Well, Haruko IS a generous deity, and will not let
the devotion of her subjects go unrewarded." She paused, and then continued, with
a devilish grin on her face. "As long as they are generous with their offerings to me"
Naota turned away, fuming with anger. Shortly, the citizens of Allerga 7 began to
return, bringing their offerings. They brought many packs of Bass guitar strings, as
well as guitar polish. One of the citizens brought a Marshall bass amplifier.
"Well" Naota said to himself "you have to admire their generosity"
Naota turned to Haruko, who seemed to be speechless.
"My loyal people, you have pleased your goddess greatly, and now
as promised, you shall be rewarded." The people let out a triumphant exhale.
Naota then noticed that the sky had grown darker. He suddenly felt an intense
burning sensation in his eyes, nose, and throat.
"Haruko, what's going on now?" He stammered.
"The nectar of the goddess descends, and gives breath to her loyal
subjects" Mamimi said as she knelt before Haruko. Naota could breathe again, and
he was overwhelmed with joy.
"FOOOOOOOOOOOOOLLLLLLLLLLLY COOOOOOOOOOOO
LLLLLLY!!!!!!!!!!" He screamed, thinking it appropriate. Naota came to his senses,
and turned to Haruko.
"What is this stuff?" he asked puzzled.
"It's extra spicy curry powder, Takkun. Clears the sinuses up right away!"
We made it back to Haruko's ship shortly after that. I still couldn't
believe what she had done. She had exthorted the poor citizens of that planet,
and seemed to enjoy it thouroughly. But Haruko does have a heart of gold, I'm
sure.
Later, the four travelers came to a restaurant near the center of the Milky
Way Galaxy. It was a tasteful, mom and pop establishment that had been there
since the beginning of time. Literally. Haruko ordered a Zolordian Rump Roast Dinner
for them. They began discussing their plans, and Naota finally got some answers.
"What all of this comes down to, chief, is the power of the written word. There
are some things that just won't work outside of writing." Mamimi said.
"Someday, when all is brought to completion, you'll understand it, Takkun"
Haruko added. (This is a MAJOR plot point)
Naota, who was feeling rather uncomfortable due to a potent combination
of spicy curry and meaningless plot info, got up to leave. Haruko whacked him with her
guitar, knocking him to the floor.
"Raharu" a voice said.
"Aha!!!! So your name IS Raharu" Naota said.
"No, that's just a nickname. But it sounds more like sweet music when Takkun
says it" Haruko purred.
Thankfully, Haruko got up and sat down at the table again. The drinks had
arrived.
"I'll tell you about my plan" Haruko said. "Atomsk has been captured by M.M,
they're using him to power their ultimate weapon."
"What's that?" Naota asked.
"A genetically engineered monster, named P.A.U.L., it's an acronym!"
"For what?" Naota asked.
"Pretty Advanced" Haruko replied. They were silent for a few moments.
"Uh, okay what do the U and L stand for?"
"Damned if I know!" Haruko replied, flicking a booger at Naota, then drifting
into deep thought. "But of course I'll need Takkun's head to set him free."
Haruko seemed solemn, as if she were about to reveal some of her deepest
secrets to them.
"Takkun" she said slowly "It's time I told you the truth about who I am."
Naota was puzzled, and looked at Haruko. He suddenly felt those old feelings
he had shoved aside for three years resurfacing. He knew he loved Haruko with all his
heart, and would do anything to make her happy.
"The truth is, well, I'm a princess"
Naota was silent.
"I'm the last surviving member of the royal family of Thyanalpore"
"Thyanalpore?" Naota and Mamimi said simultaneously.
"Yeah you know, Uranus?" (None but the highest brow humor!)
"I suppose it's fate that I should tell you that here, In the place that's nearest
and dearest to my heart. The hallowed kitchen"
Naota felt a stirring deep within his soul. As he was listening to the sad tale
of the troubles Haruko had seen. She WAS a princess. He was completely certain
he still loved Haruko, with all his heart, as he looked into her sad face. He would do
anything to help her restore her family line.
"Why is this place so precious to you?" Mamimi asked.
Haruko turned back to Naota, and gazed deeply into the eyes of the man she
was almost, but not quite thirty percent certain she loved one-tenth as much as herself.
"I was conceived here" She said
"WHAT!!!" They both said simultaneously.
"I was conceived here" Haruko repeated.
"In the kitchen?!" Naota asked, appalled.
"No, but I was found in the kitchen three days later. My parents came
here on their first date and ordered a Zolordian Rump Roast."
"Urrrrrrrrgh" was all Naota could say.
"It takes a long time to cook a Zolordian Rump Roast, Takkun!"
Naota slumped across the table in disgust, he reached out with his hand
and flipped a switch on the front of Haruko's guitar.
Haruko froze with terror and apprehension, but then smiled.
"Now you've done it, Takkun!"
Naota heard a strange voice in his head.
"Have you ever wondered, about the truly improbable? What would happen if
things began happening that you once thought impossible, unattainable... Furi Kuri?
It's the world of anime fanfiction, where anything can happen! Anime Crossover drive
activated."
"Oh yeah! Here it comes!!" Haruko leapt onto the table, and swung her bass
around. A strange red glow illuminated her as she began to play. The song was familiar
to Naota.
"Revenge no lobster!!" Haruko sang.
Naota hated that song, but had no time to complain. Strange and terrible things
began to happen.
Horrible anime gloomy bears came raining down from the heavens. A
wormhole opened directly above Naota, and began spewing awful once-a-week manga
booklets. Mamimi grabbed Naota's arm.
"What's happening!" she said in a frightened tone.
Naota had no time to respond. Singing Irish demon babies rose up from
the Nether-worlds below the restaurant. And, to the tune of "Whiskey in the Jar"
they took control of hospitals all across Denmark. Naota decided to run for it.
(Are you finding this hard to follow?)
"It's no good, Naota" Mamimi said.
"Why?" Naota asked, as armies of hell spawn squirrels charged toward
them.
"The Irish demon babies have probably stripped Haruko's ship for spare
parts!" Mamimi responded.
"Great! What'll we do now" The squirrels had stolen Naota's clothes, and
he was naked.
"We'll have to find another way to escape!"
"Say, what would singing Irish demon babies need with spare parts?"
A horde of golden horny bunnies attacked Mamimi. She defeated them.
"Uh oh, now we're dead" Haruko said non-chalantly.
They looked up, and saw a giant comet with the face of Eric Clapton
streaking toward them. Haruko, Naota, and Mamimi joined hands and prepared to
die.
"Mamimi" Naota said crying.
"Yeah chief?" Mamimi responded. Strangely, she was not crying.
"Let's stay friends in heaven!"
Suddenly, they looked up and saw another strange light in the sky. As it came
closer, they could make out what it was. Canti had arrived. The god of primal darkness
raced against the comet (from which the song 'Layla' was being emitted. Backwards)
He scooped the three of them up, and took off for Haruko's ship. The comet hit the
restaurant and exploded, sending forth a shower of beef nuggets.
Back on the ship.
"So princess, what do you need us for" Naota asked.
"My family line must not die, Takkun. I'm the last hope for my planet.""Umm..."
"I must birth an heir to our throne" Haruko said.
ENDING THEME
How about that Greg Allman, eh? He's just not the singer he used to be. I guess
his voice is going because of all the testifying he's done. In a perfect world, great blues
singers would never lose that touch, they would be in their prime forever and ever, they
would also never sell out their fellow band members for immunity, and we would all be
forever young. In a perfect world, there would be no run-on sentences like that last one.
Hmm, what I've been saying has absolutely nothing to do with our next chapter. It's
entitled "Fooly Disrobed" and has some "Serial Experiments Lain" spoofs. See ya!
So long, and thanks for all the fish!
