A/N: I know, I know. The trees wouldn't say "wench". They've been hanging around me too much. Are you satisfied now?
I don't own anything. But my birthday's coming up, so if the Tolkien Estate feels like giving me the birthday present of a lifetime . . .
Chapter 14
Fangorn is Bad for the Sinuses
Tina could feel the difference the moment she passed the first gnarled tree. The air inside Fangorn Forest had a different quality than that of the Rohirric plains - it was heavier, stuffier, darker, and it smelled of leaf mold.
Tina was allergic to leaf mold.
But it wasn't just the air or the allergies that bothered her the most. As soon as she stepped past the threshold of the forest, the trees started to whisper. And, being an elf, she heard everything they were saying.
//It comes! An evil one!// said a "voice". The trees stirred slightly in response, rustling their leaves in agitation.
"Pheh. What, is it bad enough to make me break a nail?" Tina scoffed. These trees were SO 'Sued.
. . . weren't they?
//The doom of Arda approaches!//
Tina bit her lower lip. Did Suvians know the word Arda?
She was getting nervous now. The Trees of Fangorn were dangerous when they put their minds to it, and if there was something nearby that they were afraid of . . . well, she didn't think she wanted to be around when it came. But there shouldn't be anything TOO bad nearby, right? It wouldn't be canonical, right? The only thing the trees really had to worry about was Saruman, and he was off brewing up Uruk-hai . . .
Right?
"What is it?" Tina whispered to the tree next to her. Couldn't hurt to know if the Author had something uncanonical in store for her, after all.
//An interloper . . ..//
//Evil . . . //
"Could you possibly be more specific?" Tina snapped, glancing at Legolas, who was oblivious and arguing with Aragorn. She sneezed into her hand and wiped it on the seat of her dress.
The tree rustled it's leaves in what Tina perceived as an irritated manner.
"Tell me!" Tina hissed, wiping her nose on her flowy sleeve. Stupid allergies . . .
//It's here!//
//It speaks to us . . .//
//Evil!//
//The Elves' Bane!//
Oh. Apparently, the trees WEREN'T 'Sued.
"Hey! I am not evil!" Tina muttered, somewhat resentful. She wasn't miss sweetness-and-light, but she wasn't that bad. Really, she wasn't. She'd never wanted to harm Middle-earth in any way, and now these trees were calling her evil just because she'd been turned into something she already hated? It was insulting!
//Begone!//
//Snare her . . . grab her . . .//
"Shut up!"
//Twist and strangle!//
//Die!//
"Leave me alone!"
//Evil.//
"Jerk."
//Wench.//
Tina blinked.
Unbeknownst to the unwilling 'Sue, too busy bickering with the trees to pay much attention to the Hunters, she was being closely monitored by a very out-of-it man and elf.
"Aragorn, you are staring at Mary Sue." Legolas stated, rather coldly, in Elvish. Instead of discussing the trees (which were too busy harassing Tina to be bothered with the Hunters anyway), Aragorn sighed as Tina wiped her now puffy, red, streaming eyes on a corner of her dress sleeve.
"It is easy to do. She is so lovely to behold." He said wistfully as Tina sneezed all over the tree that was insulting her. Legolas glared at him out of the corner of his cloudy eyes.
"She is the most beautiful creature I have ever seen. Is it so with you?" Legolas asked.
"Yes, she is the fairest elf ever to exist." Aragorn replied. joy to see and hear."
"WHAT?! Say that to my face, you verdant punk! Oh really? Yeah, well same to you, bud! Hell yeah, I mean that! HEY! Leave my mother out of this! Why you leafy son of a . . . a . . . ACHOO!"
"Have you forgotten so easily that you are not free to give your affections to another?" Legolas asked, conveniently cutting Tina off. "How easily men forget those they bestow their hearts on!"
"What are you talking about?" Aragorn snapped. "I was only watching the fair Mary Sue! She is a lovely site after so much ugliness. That is all."
"That had better be all," Legolas hissed. Aragorn's eyes narrowed.
"Why . . . do you LIKE Mary Sue?" He asked, and it was probably the Author's good fortune that Tina was too busy telling the trees to do something physically impossible to their distant relatives to hear what Legolas and Aragorn were saying.
"Maybe I do. It's none of your business." Legolas said, his face coloring slightly.
"Ah, but it is easy to see why, my friend. Is she not a sight to behold?"
Legolas followed Aragorn's gaze.
"STUPID TREES! QUIT THREATENING ME!" Tina was yelling, kicking wildly at a particularly large root. For a moment the two stared, at a loss for words.
"She . . . er . . . is incredibly graceful . . ."Aragorn finally suggested.
Tina swung her high-heeled foot at the root, missed, and managed to knock herself flat on her back.
"Um . . ."
"Have you forgotten about Arwen?" Legolas hissed, his dull eyes narrowed with anger. "You are engaged to HER!"
"Why are you suddenly so interested in that?" Aragorn snapped. "Yes, I love Arwen, but even she cannot compare to Mary Sue! She is like an angel in every aspect!"
"She is mine," Legolas growled. "Stay away from her!"
"OWW! Stupid root tripped me! I hope you get Dutch elm disease!"
At that moment, the Author seemed to remember that Gimli existed.
"These woods are evil!" the Dwarf grunted, axe in hand.
"Do shid!" Tina said. "Stupid tree called bee a-"
"Mary Sue!" Legolas gasped. "What happened to your beautiful voice?"
"You sound as if you have a terrible affliction!" Aragorn said concernedly, placing his hand on her shoulder. Legolas glared at him.
"I do 'ab a terrible afligtion. Allergies." Tina muttered. "Ah . . . ah . . . ACHOO! Oh, ew, thats disgustig!" she reached over to wipe her hand on Aragorn's shirt, but he backed away. She really didn't see why - he was already completely filthy. But he wasn't in her personal space anymore, which had been her intention. Maybe allergies weren't entirely bad.
"Well . . . " Aragorn said, trying to pick up the manly thread dictated by him to the Author. "stay close to us, Mary Sue, because . . ." Legolas suddenly hushed the man, looking around suspiciously.
"Cripes, his eyes are even bluer than Frodo's," Tina thought. "Weren't they brown a second ago?"
"The White Wizard approaches . . ." Legolas murmured.
"Draw your weapons," Aragorn ordered, severely mangling his lines. "We must be quick . . ."
Tina edged behind a particularly large tree, just in case a stray bit of axe blade was going to veer off course.
"NOW!" Aragorn shouted, and the three hunters promptly chucked their weapons at the Maiar who had been their teacher, guide, and ass-saver throughout the last movie.
"Way to say thags," Tina muttered stuffily. Something began to shine very brightly from the other side of the tree. Tina peered around with her eyes half-lidded to see the vague form of Gandalf the White through the glow.
"The white Wizard!" Aragorn shouted, crouching at the light emanating from the being.
"IT'S GOD!" Tina shrieked, cackling hysterically. She paused, momentarily thoughtful. "You thig he cad cure by allergies?"
---
A/N: Late, I know. I usually try to get a new chapter out at the beginning of each month, but it was either wait or get a seriously crappy chapter.
Anyway, if you're that starved for Sue bashing, you really ought to read Suedom, by Andy and Saphie (if you haven't read it yet). I co-wrote it with psychicsaphie. It's getting a lot more serious these days, but as far as we know, it continues to be funny. JCMMS is something of a prequel to it.
And remember, the review button is your friend. *hint hint*
I don't own anything. But my birthday's coming up, so if the Tolkien Estate feels like giving me the birthday present of a lifetime . . .
Chapter 14
Fangorn is Bad for the Sinuses
Tina could feel the difference the moment she passed the first gnarled tree. The air inside Fangorn Forest had a different quality than that of the Rohirric plains - it was heavier, stuffier, darker, and it smelled of leaf mold.
Tina was allergic to leaf mold.
But it wasn't just the air or the allergies that bothered her the most. As soon as she stepped past the threshold of the forest, the trees started to whisper. And, being an elf, she heard everything they were saying.
//It comes! An evil one!// said a "voice". The trees stirred slightly in response, rustling their leaves in agitation.
"Pheh. What, is it bad enough to make me break a nail?" Tina scoffed. These trees were SO 'Sued.
. . . weren't they?
//The doom of Arda approaches!//
Tina bit her lower lip. Did Suvians know the word Arda?
She was getting nervous now. The Trees of Fangorn were dangerous when they put their minds to it, and if there was something nearby that they were afraid of . . . well, she didn't think she wanted to be around when it came. But there shouldn't be anything TOO bad nearby, right? It wouldn't be canonical, right? The only thing the trees really had to worry about was Saruman, and he was off brewing up Uruk-hai . . .
Right?
"What is it?" Tina whispered to the tree next to her. Couldn't hurt to know if the Author had something uncanonical in store for her, after all.
//An interloper . . ..//
//Evil . . . //
"Could you possibly be more specific?" Tina snapped, glancing at Legolas, who was oblivious and arguing with Aragorn. She sneezed into her hand and wiped it on the seat of her dress.
The tree rustled it's leaves in what Tina perceived as an irritated manner.
"Tell me!" Tina hissed, wiping her nose on her flowy sleeve. Stupid allergies . . .
//It's here!//
//It speaks to us . . .//
//Evil!//
//The Elves' Bane!//
Oh. Apparently, the trees WEREN'T 'Sued.
"Hey! I am not evil!" Tina muttered, somewhat resentful. She wasn't miss sweetness-and-light, but she wasn't that bad. Really, she wasn't. She'd never wanted to harm Middle-earth in any way, and now these trees were calling her evil just because she'd been turned into something she already hated? It was insulting!
//Begone!//
//Snare her . . . grab her . . .//
"Shut up!"
//Twist and strangle!//
//Die!//
"Leave me alone!"
//Evil.//
"Jerk."
//Wench.//
Tina blinked.
Unbeknownst to the unwilling 'Sue, too busy bickering with the trees to pay much attention to the Hunters, she was being closely monitored by a very out-of-it man and elf.
"Aragorn, you are staring at Mary Sue." Legolas stated, rather coldly, in Elvish. Instead of discussing the trees (which were too busy harassing Tina to be bothered with the Hunters anyway), Aragorn sighed as Tina wiped her now puffy, red, streaming eyes on a corner of her dress sleeve.
"It is easy to do. She is so lovely to behold." He said wistfully as Tina sneezed all over the tree that was insulting her. Legolas glared at him out of the corner of his cloudy eyes.
"She is the most beautiful creature I have ever seen. Is it so with you?" Legolas asked.
"Yes, she is the fairest elf ever to exist." Aragorn replied. joy to see and hear."
"WHAT?! Say that to my face, you verdant punk! Oh really? Yeah, well same to you, bud! Hell yeah, I mean that! HEY! Leave my mother out of this! Why you leafy son of a . . . a . . . ACHOO!"
"Have you forgotten so easily that you are not free to give your affections to another?" Legolas asked, conveniently cutting Tina off. "How easily men forget those they bestow their hearts on!"
"What are you talking about?" Aragorn snapped. "I was only watching the fair Mary Sue! She is a lovely site after so much ugliness. That is all."
"That had better be all," Legolas hissed. Aragorn's eyes narrowed.
"Why . . . do you LIKE Mary Sue?" He asked, and it was probably the Author's good fortune that Tina was too busy telling the trees to do something physically impossible to their distant relatives to hear what Legolas and Aragorn were saying.
"Maybe I do. It's none of your business." Legolas said, his face coloring slightly.
"Ah, but it is easy to see why, my friend. Is she not a sight to behold?"
Legolas followed Aragorn's gaze.
"STUPID TREES! QUIT THREATENING ME!" Tina was yelling, kicking wildly at a particularly large root. For a moment the two stared, at a loss for words.
"She . . . er . . . is incredibly graceful . . ."Aragorn finally suggested.
Tina swung her high-heeled foot at the root, missed, and managed to knock herself flat on her back.
"Um . . ."
"Have you forgotten about Arwen?" Legolas hissed, his dull eyes narrowed with anger. "You are engaged to HER!"
"Why are you suddenly so interested in that?" Aragorn snapped. "Yes, I love Arwen, but even she cannot compare to Mary Sue! She is like an angel in every aspect!"
"She is mine," Legolas growled. "Stay away from her!"
"OWW! Stupid root tripped me! I hope you get Dutch elm disease!"
At that moment, the Author seemed to remember that Gimli existed.
"These woods are evil!" the Dwarf grunted, axe in hand.
"Do shid!" Tina said. "Stupid tree called bee a-"
"Mary Sue!" Legolas gasped. "What happened to your beautiful voice?"
"You sound as if you have a terrible affliction!" Aragorn said concernedly, placing his hand on her shoulder. Legolas glared at him.
"I do 'ab a terrible afligtion. Allergies." Tina muttered. "Ah . . . ah . . . ACHOO! Oh, ew, thats disgustig!" she reached over to wipe her hand on Aragorn's shirt, but he backed away. She really didn't see why - he was already completely filthy. But he wasn't in her personal space anymore, which had been her intention. Maybe allergies weren't entirely bad.
"Well . . . " Aragorn said, trying to pick up the manly thread dictated by him to the Author. "stay close to us, Mary Sue, because . . ." Legolas suddenly hushed the man, looking around suspiciously.
"Cripes, his eyes are even bluer than Frodo's," Tina thought. "Weren't they brown a second ago?"
"The White Wizard approaches . . ." Legolas murmured.
"Draw your weapons," Aragorn ordered, severely mangling his lines. "We must be quick . . ."
Tina edged behind a particularly large tree, just in case a stray bit of axe blade was going to veer off course.
"NOW!" Aragorn shouted, and the three hunters promptly chucked their weapons at the Maiar who had been their teacher, guide, and ass-saver throughout the last movie.
"Way to say thags," Tina muttered stuffily. Something began to shine very brightly from the other side of the tree. Tina peered around with her eyes half-lidded to see the vague form of Gandalf the White through the glow.
"The white Wizard!" Aragorn shouted, crouching at the light emanating from the being.
"IT'S GOD!" Tina shrieked, cackling hysterically. She paused, momentarily thoughtful. "You thig he cad cure by allergies?"
---
A/N: Late, I know. I usually try to get a new chapter out at the beginning of each month, but it was either wait or get a seriously crappy chapter.
Anyway, if you're that starved for Sue bashing, you really ought to read Suedom, by Andy and Saphie (if you haven't read it yet). I co-wrote it with psychicsaphie. It's getting a lot more serious these days, but as far as we know, it continues to be funny. JCMMS is something of a prequel to it.
And remember, the review button is your friend. *hint hint*
