Resist ALL temptation.
Showdown!!
When last we met, on FLCL.
Naota sat in bemused amazement on the floor of Haruko's ship. He slowly got
up the nerve to ask a diffucult question.
"Is... It mine, Haruko?" he said, as tears began welling up in his eyes.
"Yeah Takkun, it is." she said
The news hit Naota like a ton of bricks in a Mac Truck. It was his. IT WAS HIS.
He couldn't take back what had happened. He would have to live with the consequences
forever. How could this have happened? Why? How can this be?
It's strange to think about, and scary. But it's kind of exciting at the same
time. I'm willing to bet no man has ever been through what I'm going through
now. My only question is, will it be a boy or.... Hey! Wait a minute! I'm a Man,
I can't be pregnant! (A dim bulb brightens)
LATER, NEAR THE PLANET SURFACE
"Star date, 099FLCL, we have arrived at P.A.U.L's hiding place. The planet
Rumyungyunsonson. We will soon deploy and set out to fight P.A.U.L and his
minions."
"Do you mind having stretch marks, Naota?" Mamimi asked.
"Will you shut up! I'm NOT pregnant! I'm a man!"
"That gag is SO dead!!!" Haruko yelled.
"Yep" The disembodied voice of the writer agreed.
"You're right, only women can get pregnant, chief!"
"Takkun was killed once, by a woman! SOUP'S ON!!!"
Naota took his place at the table, and looked at his dinner. It was the same horrible
Ramen Haruko had been making him eat the whole journey. His mind drifted to thoughts of
his home planet. He thought of the beef, and fish he used to eat back home.
"Something wrong, Takkun?" Haruko asked as she viciously dug into her noodles.
"I was wondering, have you ever heard of protein, Haruko?"
"Eat your Ramen, Takkun. Without it you'll starve quicker than Spike Spiegel on
Atkins!"
Naota groaned, and got up from his seat, never wanting to eat Ramen again as
long as he lived.
"I'll need to use your head again, hope that's okay!" Haruko said cheerfully.
Naota was fed up.
"No it's not okay! All you've ever done is use me Haruko. You're the most pig-
headed, selfish, self serving woman I've ever known in my life! You took me away from
my home planet, and you expect me to just go along with your evil schemes. But without
my head, I'm really just a burden to you, aren't I?"
"Could a burden pilot the ship Takkun?" Haruko asked, as if it were the most
reasonable question to ask in this situation.
Naota had no response to this, but for some unfathomable reason, it made
perfect sense. He wasn't giving up yet, however.
"I won't let you use me!" He said defiantly.
"You don't have a choice, Takkun. Cross me, and you'll regret it!!"
"Yeah sure! I..."
"Remember when you were young, Takkun? How I used to make you cry? I used
to tie you to the bedpost. Remember the needles under your fingernails?"
"What? You never put needles under my fingernails! I'm not letting you use my head!"
"You will, Takkun. I have... the pictures!"
"What? You don't have any pictures, I...."
"She does, Chief." Mamimi said coolly.
This was the reason Mamimi had come. She had been taking pictures of all those...
awkward moments between Naota and Haruko. The realization hit Naota like a highball*
from hell. They were blackmailing him.
"Mamimi!!! How could you?!"
BACK IN
THE SECRET BASE
"Red Alert! Red Alert! All personnel prepare for destruction of universe!"
"What's happening commander!" A frightened Kitsurburami asked.
"They've reached Rumyungyeyunsonson! If Atomsk gets free, this universe is
doomed!"
"What will we do, Commander" an inquisitive (and frightened) Kitsurburami asked.
"We'll have to evacuate"
"WHAT? YOUR NUTS!!!"
CUT TO STUDIO
Writer/director: No no no! That's YOU'RE Nuts!
KVA: Oh, Sorry!
Editor: Blooper reel!
BACK TO AFF
The five travelers had landed on the planet surface, in a cornfield. It was a quiet and
sunny day on this planet. Haruko slung her guitar off of her shoulder, and turned to face
Naota.
"Here's where you come in Takkun!"
Naota once again felt an intense pain in his head. There was a deafening rumble, as
the robot pushed it's way out of his forehead. He could see a brief glimpse of two giant
hands shooting out of his head. Then Haruko spoke.
"Paul is a dead man! Miss him, miss him!"
That's what this was all about. P.A.U.L. hadn't been hiding on this planet after all,
Haruko had been waiting to pull him through his head all along. The sun turned darker
as P.A.U.L stood up to his full height. Naota looked up, and was terrified by what he
saw. P.A.U.L was a giant Cyborg, carrying an enormous Flying V guitar. The initials
M.M were emblazoned on his chest.
"So, Raharu has come at last" P.A.U.L said in a sinister voice.
"Give me Atomsk, P.A.U.L, and I won't have to make Takkun destroy you!"
"Atomsk is serving his purpose for us well! He cannot be released, or he will
destroy you, and this whole universe." P.A.U.L responded.
"You think I care about that, Pretty Advanced? Looks like I'll have to rip him out
of you. I'll tie you to the whipping post, my little 'Hoochie Coochie' man!!"
At that moment, P.A.U.L unleashed a barrage of laser fire at them, Haruko sprang
into action.
"Save me Takkun! Save Me!" She yelled, ducking behind Naota.
Naota barely had time to react, but managed to dodge away, and took off running
through the cornfield.
"S.A.U.L, come forth! Deal with that child. My minions, let us destroy these
fools!" A compartment in P.A.U.L's forehead opened and an army of robots emerged,
followed by S.A.U.L (Somewhat Advanced). The army of robots attacked Haruko, but
she was a mighty warrior, and defeated them while singing "All You Need Is Love"
Meanwhile, S.A.U.L had taken off in hot pursuit of Naota, with his laser cannons
blazing. Naota continued running in blind terror, clinging tightly to his guitar while
pretending to be tripping in order to dodge the hail of lasers.
Mamimi was being pursued by a small army of P.A.U.L's lesser minions.
"Takkun, Takkun, Takkun! Please save me!" She muttered.
She thought back to something Takkun, her cat, had said when he left her.
FLASHBACK
"Oh Takkun, are you... leaving me for good?" Mamimi asked, crying.
"Meow" (Trans: Do not fear, my dear Sanejima. I will come back to you at the
turn of the tide.)
END FLASHBACK
Haruko stood facing P.A.U.L defiantly. A giant heap of twisted, smoldering
metal surrounded them. She held her guitar by her side. P.A.U.L turned away for a brief
moment, and Haruko sprung into action.
"PAUL REED SMITH SOUL STEALER!!!" She screamed in classic Inu-Yasha
fashion, bringing her guitar crashing into P.A.U.L's head. He was stunned by her attack,
and reeled backward.
"Where's Takkun?" She wondered.
Naota had no idea how he had gotten here. But he was standing in what appeared
to be a church. The light from outside danced through the stained glass windows, and
cast brilliant colors all around the room. Naota did not care about that, because P.A.U.L's
sidekick had him pinned down, and was shooting at him. Canti was also crouching by
Naota's side, strangely unfazed by the torrent of bullets. They would have to come up
with an escape plan, and fast.
"Hurry Canti! Mamimi can't hold up on her own for long"
The situation was indeed desperate; Mamimi was at that moment being pursued by
dozens of P.A.U.L's minions. They were pursuing her toward a sheer rock face, where
they could trap her. Suddenly, Naota had a brilliant plan.
"Canti, if we can make it to the second floor, we'll have more open space and you'll
be able to use me as ammo."
Canti was silent, as he pondered the sheer brilliance of Naota's plan. Just then,
S.A.U.L. (Somewhat Advanced U.L.) stopped to reload his weapon, and to admire
the brilliant stained glass window. Naota saw his chance. He sprang out from behind the
wall and ran for the staircase. S.A.U.L unleashed a shower of bullets (he also fired his
weapon) at Naota. The next few moments were the most intense of Naota's life, but he
made it to the staircase, and ran for the upper level. Canti followed, quietly.
Naota and Canti stood in a large open room, there was a balcony behind them.
S.A.U.L stood facing them across the room, preparing to unleash another fierce attack.
"Now Canti!" Naota yelled.
Canti sprang into action. He picked Naota up, and shoveled him into his mouth.
S.A.U.L unleashed his latest attack, forcing Canti to dodge around the room (silently
of course). Then he made his move, launching Naota at the foe. S.A.U.L exploded with
a brilliant flash when Naota made impact. The roof above them was blown off, and
the Zolordians (known for their rump roasts) rejoiced. S.A.U.L was vanquished.
Naota slowly stood up to get his bearings. Everything was silent, except for
a cool and gentle breeze outside. Canti, being a deep thinker, had no words at this
time. Naota came to his senses.
"We did it, Canti!! We did it!!"
Naota began dancing around joyously, and singing a victory song. Canti began to
dance as well. But as he danced, he carelessly hit Naota knocking him off the balcony,
and sending him plummeting to the ground below.
The scenes of Naota's life flashed before him, as he fell in slow motion. This was the
end. He could hear a Children's choir sing a cheerful song from the heavens. Visions
of roses danced before his eyes as the ground neared.
CUT TO STUDIO
Writer/director: Hm, this "Ballad of Fallen Angels" reference isn't working out
like I thought it would.
NVA: Yeah, it's tough to do things like that in print.
BACK TO AFF
Naota slowly opened his eyes, and saw the clear, blue sky above him.
"Am I dead again?" He wondered.
He sat up and looked around, and then he saw something that filled him with
wonder and amazement. He had fallen on a mattress.
"Wow, who would put a mattress out here?" He wondered.
"Voon" Said the mattress.
"Mamimi" Naota muttered, and then took off to go save her.
The mattress was silent.
Mamimi was surrounded. She had her back to a cliff face, and was surrounded on
three sides by P.A.U.L's minions. Naota stood next to her, having teleported.
"Looks like this is the end" Naota said.
"Takkun, Takkun, please save us" she said trembling.
"There's nothing I can do, Mamimi" Naota said.
They were finished, no heroes, evil aliens, or fanfic clichés could save them now.
They braced themselves for death.
But then, they looked up and saw a brilliant light in the sky. P.A.U.L's minions
who had been preparing to kill them, turned around and looked on in wonder. The light
grew nearer, and brighter. Suddenly, it exploded and the sky was filled with a dazzling
white light. P.A.U.L's minions began to scatter in fear. Naota and Mamimi looked on,
and saw the form of a cat emerge from where the light had exploded.
"Takkun" Mamimi muttered.
Takkun the white had arrived. The evil robots began falling left and right before
his mighty claws. Those who did not fall before him fled in terror to the shadow of
a previously un-mentioned forest. From that shadow, none ever returned (they were
instead devoured by angry Raccoons, who were upset by having robots flee into the
shadow of their forest).
"Takkun, he's a wonderful, wonderful cat!" Mamimi muttered in amazement.
"Wow, didn't see THAT coming" Naota said.
Canti, meanwhile had run off into the forest with X-004, they were NOT devoured
by angry Raccoons. Instead they did things I shall not describe.
Haruko had managed to dodge P.A.U.L's every attack, looking for some opening
that would allow her to free Atomsk. She would not be denied. Her whole life had come
down to this moment, and years of frustration were about to come to an end. She just
needed Naota's head. P.A.U.L. was sent reeling by another blow from Haruko's guitar.
Just in time, Naota arrived at the scene of the battle.
Naota stood next to Haruko, as they faced off against P.A.U.L.
"Takkun, I'm gonna get Atomsk, but I need your help okay?"
Naota knew he didn't have a choice in the matter. So he nodded weakly.
Haruko grabbed him by his shirt collar, and hurled him toward her foe. P.A.U.L was
caught completely off guard by this attack. Naota crashed into him with incredible force,
causing his armor to split in two.
"Yes! YES!!" Haruko yelled, as the head of Atomsk poked outward. P.A.U.L
was suddenly ripped apart by the force of Atomsk, who flapped his wings and rose
toward the sky. Atomsk was free.
BACK IN THE SECRET BASE
"Two minutes to destruction of the universe"
"Kitsurburami." Amarao said.
"What is it commander?" She replied.
"This could be our last night on earth. I don't want to die a virgin."
RUMYUNGYUNSONSON
The homing device on Haruko's wrist was throttling wildly, as Atomsk swooped
down toward her. She got ready to grab hold of his talon and absorb his power.
Naota slowly got up off the ground and looked around. There was a stifling heat
in the air, and a the red glare of Atomsk filled the sky. Something wasn't right.
"Haruko?" he stammered. Looking on the horizon, he could make out the shape
of Haruko, as Atomsk closed in on her.
"Oh no!!"
Haruko was suddenly thrown violently backwards, and momentarily stunned as
Atomsk crashed into her.
"Haruko, watch out!!!" Naota yelled, but his voice was inaudible above the
deafening rumble. He took off running toward her, but lost his balance, as the ground
began to shake. Naota didn't know it, but the universe was beginning to implode around
Atomsk. Canti was nowhere to be seen, and Takkun the White had also disappeared.
Naota was alone as he struggled toward where Haruko had fallen.
BACK IN THE SECRET BASE
"Kitsurburami" Amarao said, for no apparent reason, he was dressed like
Miroku from "Inuyasha"
"WHAT!!!!?" A furious (and frightened) Kitsurburami responded.
"Will you consider having my child?"
"One Minute, Two seconds to destruction of Universe"
PLANET
"Oh no!! Haruko!!" Naota said as he knelt beside her. She was lying on the
ground, unconscious. Naota looked up, and saw Atomsk swooping back toward them.
He had to act quickly. He would have to swing his bat again. Naota picked up his
guitar, and stood up.
"Canti" he yelled "pitch me a fastball!"
Canti had just arrived from the forest (he was rather sweaty). He took out a
baseball and wound up. Atomsk was closing in at blinding speed, but Naota was
focused on Canti's pitch. He swung as hard as he could. The ball rocketed off his
guitar with a loud crack, and sailed toward Atomsk. The giant bird suddenly reared
backward with a deafening scream. Direct hit. Atomsk's light suddenly grew dim as
he sunk toward the ground.
Everything was silent, and Haruko's wristband suddenly stopped. This could
only mean one thing. Atomsk was destroyed. Naota had saved the Universe.
"Ta-Takkun?" Haruko said weakly. Her wristband was forever still.
"Haruko?"
Their eyes met, and Haruko saw the tears on Naota's face.
"I-I'm sorry!" He whimpered.
Suddenly Naota was caught in a vice-like grip, and he felt Haruko's tongue
rubbing against his face.
"I've always thought a man should be strong! Stand up for himself and the
woman he loves!!!" Haruko yelled, tightening her grip, and licking him repeatedly.
Naota had reached his boiling point. He had been taken away from his home and
family, and brought along on a dangerous journey. Along the way he had seen horrors to
great to imagine, had his clothes stolen by evil squirrels, and even been killed. Also,
he was sick and tired of being violated by an extra-terrestrial. Haruko pressed her face
closer to his, making disgusting kiss noises. His hand closed around the neck of his
Gibson SG.
"Smooooooooooochie! Smoooooooochie!" Haruko said through puckered lips.
"Smoochie this!!" Naota said. With all his remaining strength, he took up the guitar,
and swung as hard as he could. He caught Haruko upside the head with his swing,
knocking her over backwards in slow motion.
CUT TO STUDIO
HVA: You can get cramps doing slow-mo shots!
BACK TO AFF
Naota was silent. His fear of what would happen now strangled him. The rain
ran down off of his guitar, forming a puddle at his feet. Haruko slowly got up, and stood
in front of Naota. She had a look of surprise, and strange admiration. Like she was re-united
with a long lost love, after years of hitchhiking across the galaxy.
Naota dropped his guitar into the puddle of water, as an inexplicable music box
played softly in the background.
"My long search is over at last" Haruko said softly.
"What are you talking about?"
"I'm a gypsy of the heavens Takkun!"
"Sure, five minutes ago you were the reincarnation of Alexander the Great!"
"For eons I've wandered the stars, looking for love"
"That's a likely story" Naota snorted "where'd you get it, Fanfiction?"
"I knew the minute I set foot on your backward, miserable, harmless rock of a
planet that I would find true love at last!"
"Harmless?! I..."
"You're not angry are you David?"
"Look, for the last time! My name is Naokku..."
"You're not! And you DO still love me!!"
(Haruko was now 100 percent certain she loved Naota 1/2 as much as herself)
Up until now, Naota had been doggedly holding onto the last shreds of his will to
resist Haruko. Now he stood on that grassy plain, looking deep into her cat-like eyes.
There was something in her eyes now he had never seen before. Haruko walked
toward him and placed her hands on his shoulders. His will was crumbling fast.
"I've always wanted a man who really had that swing!" Haruko dropped her guitar,
and pulled Naota into a warm, affectionate embrace. Naota's will to resist was now
utterly broken, and its pieces scattered across the Empire. He collapsed sobbing into
Haruko's arms. His guitar gently wept. Haruko recited a tender love poem, describing
her feelings for Naota.
A Tender Love Poem
"Thou art my sun, and moonlit sky. You're really not a half bad guy!
You make me dizzy, faint and swoon. Me shut you out in tennis too!*"
* It was the closest Haruko had ever come to saying "I love you."
(Sorry!)
Sweet tender Music fills the air, as they gaze into each other's eyes.
Naota leans in for a kiss and..................................
"HA HA HA!!!!
NOW YOU PAY! I'M NOT GONNA GO EASY ON YOU!!"
Poor Naota didn't even have time to blink. Haruko launched into him with her
Paul Reed Smith. He was pummeled. Haruko sang happily as she beat him
"I can't give you anything but love, Baby!!"
Haruko finished her beating, and stood over Naota with a twisted grin.
"How was that, Takkun?" She asked
"You... sing... off... key. uhggh" Naota replied, then drifted into unconsciousness.
It was a beautiful autumn day on that planet. The doves lifted a joyous song unto the
heavens as Naota's soul drifted away on the wind.
BACK ON THE SHIP
Naota was leaning back in his chair in a full body cast, contemplating his actions
that day. He had saved Haruko from certain death, and finally managed to hit her with a
guitar. Haruko stood in the kitchen, preparing another curry dish.
"Say Haruko, have you ever heard that story about the million tiger-striped cats
who each die one death, then a beautiful white cat comes in and gets run over by a
cement truck?"
"Sure Takkun."
"I love that story!" Naota said suavely.
ENDING THEME
You know, with most good things there comes that perfect time, when after
a very special act, you know everything is complete. This sequel is reaching its end, that
time when we wrap up every plot point and embark on an exciting new begining. Explore
every new possibility!
Come to think of it, most of the plot points (such as they are)
have already been resolved. Hmm, there IS that "power of the written word" thing I
guess. Sounds pretty deep and meaningful. You'll have to wait until the very end, when
we reach that perfect climax together to get that one resolved. It'll be that one moment
that justifies this sequel's existence as fanfiction.
Next on Fooly Cooly: it's the finale "Fooly Consumated" Bubye!*
See ya later, Space Cowboy!
*It is NOT as dirty as it sounds. (Not quite, anyway)
Highball from hell? Where did THAT come from?
