How could a burden Pilot the ship?
Fooly Consummated
As the earth grows nearer through the front window of Haruko's ship, I reflect
on everything I have gone through in my trek through space. It has undoubtedly
been the greatest adventure of my life. Along the way, I have discovered whole new
worlds, seen the wonders of the universe, and walked in the footsteps of Arthur Dent.
I've had my share of strange robots grow out of my head, and I've traveled
across the galaxy with a psychotic alien. Nothing too interesting.
I am ready to return home now, but I have to wonder. Has anything changed in my
absence? Have any of my friends gone through life-altering mutations? Whatever
has happened, I know it will be pretty ordinary, because nothing exciting ever
happens in Mabase.
OPENING THEME
Naota felt refreshed, and very grown-up, as he walked through the brisk autumn
breeze of his home planet. The familiar and ordinary sights, sounds, and smells of
Mabase swirled around him. It was good to be home again, but he couldn't help but
wonder.What would happen now? Would Haruko leave him again? He quickly pushed
these uncomfortable questions out of his mind, as he walked into his favorite juice bar.
Ninamori and her boyfriend were sitting in their usual booth by the window. The
sounds of Oliver mutilating citrus fruit drifted from the kitchen. Indeed, nothing had
changed. Naota sat down at the counter, and one of the waitresses approached him.
"Naota! Good to see you again. What can I get for you?" She asked.
"A pint of sour, please." said Naota.
"Naota! It's good to see you again! I was worried sick!" Ninamori said.
Naota was surprised to hear this; Ninamori hadn't talked to him much since they
had broken up a few months before.
"Uh, yeah I'm fine! I just, umm"
"How are you! Has your case of bubonic plague cleared up?"
"What? I was just..."
"Yeah, and how about your massive inferiority complex? Your dad told us all
about it!" Oliver asked.
"Did you really have the clap, Naota" Gaku asked.
Naota sighed. He understood all to well. His dad had been making up creative
excuses for why Naota had been absent from school, and had literally disappeared from
the face of the earth. He would have to thank him when he got home.
"Why couldn't he have just told them I had a cold?" Naota wondered.
His dad had been watching too much Inu-yasha.
It was nearing evening when Naota left the Juice Bar. The shadows lengthened
as he made his way home. He stopped in front of a newspaper machine that still had
a copy of that day's paper. It had only been six days since he had left. Naota
shook his head in amazement.
"How can all of that have happened in less than a week?" he thought to
himself. Then he remembered what Haruko had said before they left earth.
Look Takkun, I could try to explain the whole "Space-time continuum thing,
but you don't have a brain to understand it with."
Naota shrugged his shoulders and continued walking in silence. When he arrived
at his front door, he saw Haruko's vespa in the driveway, and could hear sounds
of laughter coming from the dining room.
"I guess she decided to do some fooly coolly with my dad." He thought, and
the thinking of that thought made him nauseous. (Or so he thought) He felt relieved
That was REALLY dumb
that Haruko hadn't left. .
When he walked in the dining room, he froze on the spot. Haruko was nowhere
to be seen. But there was someone else who wasn't supposed to be there.
MANGA SCRIPT
Naota: Wha? Miss Soru!? (Naota's previously nameless J.H. teacher) What are you
doing here?!
Kamon: Why are you shouting, Naota-Kun?
Naota: My TEACHER is here!!!
Kamon: Don't talk to your mother that way, young man!
Naota: WHAT!!! MY MOTHER!? HOW IS THAT POSSIBLE!?
Kamon: Oh, I guess you couldn't have known. With your fooly coolying with
Haruko-San, but your teacher and I are married!
(Naota's teacher has a bizarrely joyous look on her face, not saying a word.)
Naota (with a huge head): Wait a minute! I've only been gone six days, and you two
didn't even know each other when I left! How can you have gotten married?
Kamon: Well, Miss Soru and I went to a reading of Furi Kuri fanfiction at
the public library. (Kamon begins to blush) And...well... heh heh!!!
M. Soru: Things just took off from there, dear. (She and Kamon break into a fit of
evil laughter).
Kamon: All fooly coolly! Fooly disrobed! Fooly Coolly in
the road!! FOOLY COOLY
EVERYWHERE!!! (Begins prancing around naked)
Naota (disgustedly): Where's grandpa?
Kamon: Who? Oh, grandpa is away on his honeymoon.
Naota: WHAT?
Kamon: He married the nameless grandma type person from episode three of the
anime.
M. Soru: She was also a recurring character in the Manga!
Naota (distraught): How can this be? I've been gone less than a week!
Mamimi: It was bound to happen, Naota. Everything gets married!!! Kamon, Miss Soru,
The Ramones, Jeffery Moru (whoever he is) Animals, Manimal, and Tigger too!
(Naota looks VERY confused)
Naota: Ugggh!! My head!
Mamimi: And now that P.A.U.L is defeated, I can marry your brother, chief!
Naota: Well, congratulations Mamimi!!
(Haruko walks in. She is dressed in her usual clothes, with a Paul Reed Smith
Bass slung over her shoulder. She has a delighted smile on her face, and googly eyes
as she looks at Naota). 5 frames. Music gets to be more haunting and ominous.
(Naota grows more disturbed and afraid with each frame. Begins sweating).
Soon, he will have a good reason to be terrified.
END MANGA SCRIPT
"And I shall wed dear Takkun!!!!" Haruko said proudly and intently.
Naota stood still. The hair on the back of his neck stood on end. He contemplated
with horror, the thought of marrying Haruko. At that moment, Naota was locked in a
death grip again, and he struggled uselessly to free himself.
"Naota-Kun! I congratulate you! May your marriage be happy and joyful,
musseltov!!" Kamon said.
"I'll NEVER marry you, you psycho!!!"
"You know you want me, baby!"
"But you KILLED ME!!! REMEMBER?!"
"You were killed once, by a woman" Mamimi said.
"I can't get married, I'm only fifteen!"
"The main character has to get married, Naota-Kun" Kamon reminded him.
Haruko tightened her grip around Naota's neck, nearly choking him in the
process.
"You're the first one I saw, Takkun, that's the way it has to be!"
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!! Don't touch me like that!!!"
"It will be wonderful Naota!! I can almost hear the wedding bells!"
Mamimi said joyously.
Haruko chimed in.
"Wedding Bells! Shotgun Shells! Joy, Anticipation!
You DO dear?! I do you, dear! And THAT'S THE CONNSUMATION!!!"
She said, as she body slammed Naota to the floor.
(No, you really didn't see that. Read on.)
Naota got up in a blind panic, and raced out the front door. He hadn't gotten
very far when he heard Haruko's vespa start up. He couldn't run any farther, and fell
in an exhausted heap. Everything went black after that, as Haruko clobbered him with her
guitar.
When Naota awoke, he was lying on the couch in the living room. It was dark
outside, and he could tell it was after midnight.
Naota got up off the couch and slowly walked toward the kitchen. As he passed
by the counter, he heard his father's voice.
"Naota-Kun, we need to talk."
"About what" asked Naota.
"About Haruko-San, you're against marrying her, aren't you?"
"Dad, I'm only 15, how can I get married?"
"You're the main character, Naota. With that power comes great
responsibility. Remember that 'Parker' fellow?"
"But dad, she's an alien! I can't marry an alien!"
Kamon looked at his son. He could sense the apprehension in his heart and mind.
He got up from his chair, and put his arm around Naota's shoulder, and gave him some
fatherly wisdom.
"It's nothing to be ashamed of Naota-Kun. People marry aliens all the time! That
way the alien can stay in the country and fooly cooly legally, and they don't have to return
to the decadent, backward, rat-infested countries they came from."
"Uh, Dad" Naota said hesitantly "that's not quite the same thing."
Haruko was singing up in Naota's room, apparently songs about love and
marriage. But mostly things related to love and marriage. The haunting melodies sent
chills down Naota's spine. He returned to the couch and trembled fearfully the rest of the
night.
MEANWHILE, IN A TOP SECRET COMPOUND
OUTSIDE MABASE.
Amarao was watching these latest developments with growing anxiety.
His giant eyebrows heaved up and down uncontrollably. He grumbled un-intelligibly
as he polished off a Hostess snowball, and a glass of sugar water.
"Commander Amarao, would Raharu really marry that kid?"
Kitsarubami asked.
"This cannot happen!! Raharu is mine I tell you!!"
"Um, commander..."
"I'll have to save her from his evil charms!" Amarao said intently.
"But commander, I thought..."
"Don't worry!! I'm coming Raharu!! That's why you had me Raharu! To save
you!!"
Kitsurburami was shocked.
"Commander, do you mean to say that Raharu is... your mother?"
"No she isn't, she's a hussy!" Amarao's real mother said.
"We have to stop this wedding!" Amarao said.
"How can we do that, commander? We need a plan!"
"Are you saying we need a plan?"
"YES!! THAT'S WHAT I SAID, YOU IDIOT!!!!"
"We'll need to use a plan, then" Amarao said.
"What plan shall we use, commander?"
"Plan number eleven, minus two" Amarao said with utmost conviction.
The base fell silent as one of his eyebrows came loose, and fell to the floor.
Plan eleven minus two went something like this. The immigration service would
launch a force to destroy the Alien insurgent (Haruko). A huge battle would occur.
It would be very repetitive and anti-climactic.
Not much of a plan.
Naota was startled by the sound of Haruko's vespa crashing through their
front door.
"C'mon Takkun, we have to go!"
"What? But We just got back from outer space!"
"It's time for an anticlimactic battle!"
Naota climbed onto the back of Haruko's Vespa, and they sped away to the
bridge. As it grew near, they saw a large force of M.M. robots on the other side, and
Amarao stood in the middle of the bridge.
Amarao and Haruko stood facing off with each other, this was the decisive
moment in their ongoing battle.
"I will stop you Rahau!" Amarao said confidently.
"You won't stop me, fuzz-brain!" Haruko/Raharu retorted.
"Yes I WILL STOP YOU!! And I'll free that kid from your influence
forever!"
Haruko was angered beyond the point of no return by this statement.
"You'll never take Takkun away!! He's MINE!! MINE!!!
But what would you do to him if you succeeded? YOU'D FIX UP HIS BRAIN!!
YOU BUSHY BROWED BABBOON!!"
Naota suddenly realized something, as he stood there watching Haruko.
His whole life had been building to this moment. He knew in his heart, what he wanted.
The Alien of his dreams was his for the taking. He knew he loved Haruko, and wanted
to marry her and be by her side forever. She was his sun, and moonlit sky. He wanted
to do more things with Haruko than there were words for. (Why he chose this moment to
come to that realization is beyond me)
"Yes, Haruko" Naota said "I will marry you!"
Amarao ordered his army of M.M robots to attack, and the huge,
anti-climactic battle began.
There's not much to tell about the huge battle, (as it was rather anti-climactic, and
repetitive). A whole bunch of Anime characters sprang out of Naota's head. And after
they destroyed Medical Meccanica, they settled their own disputes. Naraku killed
Knives with his poison insects, but then died when Hamtaro bit his jugular
vein. A stupid kid, from some weird series about a fast porcupine-type thing appeared,
did something pointless, then was killed when a giant robot stomped him. An all-female
police force from Tokyo wandered the streets of Mabase, but no one needed them.
Oliver, who worked at the juice bar, was the true hero. Why? Nobody knows.
Haruko stood defiantly on the bridge, looking down on a sobbing Amarao.
His eyebrows were nowhere to be seen.
"You know I love you, Raharu" He said sobbing.
"Hey, I don't love you." Haruko responded coldly.
"Yeah, I know it's true, I wanted to be with you Raharu. When will I find
true love?" he asked no one in particular.
"There ain't no such animal" Mamimi said flatly.
"I'll be the best man, when she marries my best friend" Amarao said to himself
dejectedly.
Naota blushed and stammered.
"Gee, thanks!!" He was flattered that Amarao considered him his best
friend.
Haruko and Naota were married a few days after the battle. It was a
lovely wedding. There, in the sight of God and the witnesses, they did. And there,
also in the sight of God and the witnesses, they slappetted lubbernoffie. The witnesses
were shocked, as such things are usually saved for the privacy of the wedding night.
(You kind of had to be there).
Canti married X-004 immediately after Naota's wedding. X-004 then gave birth to a
fax machine.
CONSUMATION
Bringing things to completion.
It was all nearly perfect now. Haruko and I would be with each
other for the rest of our lives. We would never be separated again.
As we stood there, looking into each other's eyes, I wished this moment
could last forever. But it wasn't perfect just yet. There was one
thing left.
Haruko looked deeply into Naota's eyes. They were both silent, as there was
nothing that needed to be said now. Naota leaned forward, into Haruko's soft, warm
embrace. Haruko laid her head on his shoulder, and pulled him closer.
"Takkun, are you ready? There's one thing left to do."
"With all my heart, Haruko."
"Then be still and relax".
Naota closed his eyes, expecting to feel Haruko's warm moist lips press
against his. Suddenly, Naota received a crushing blow to his head, and felt himself
slam against the wall nearby. When he came to his senses, he looked quite bewildered,
like someone who had been awakened from a deep sleep by a splash of ice cold
water. Haruko stood over him, Paul Reed Smith in hand, with an evil grin on her face.
"What's wrong, sweet Takkun? You look like you've been hit with a fish."
Naota looked up, his eyes conveying his shock.
"Of course I do, dear Haruko. You just slapped me with a bass!"
(A pun that could only work in print.)*
SAYONARA!!
ENDING THEME
I am one sick puppy
