A/N: Hey, guess what! I'm not dead! *hides from readers out for her blood*

I know, I know, I'm a terrible person who does not update. Not even during the summer. Luckily, now that TTT is out on video, I promise I'll be better about updating, and do a better job of it. I think Tina's adventures have been a little dull as of late, but hopefully I can spice them up a bit now.

Now onto the long-time-coming Chapter 17 =D

Chapter 17

How to Flirt (Badly)

Tina quietly followed Gandalf into the Golden Hall. The smell of horses was just as strong inside as it was outside, but she was too busy to notice. She was still sore over the Author's little rant against Éowyn, who Tina had found very real and easy to sympathize with.

"The courtesy of your hall is somewhat lessened of late," Gandalf called to the ancient-looking hulk that was Théoden at the end of the Hall. He and the Hunters continued walking towards the King, but Tina hung behind, by the guards at the door.

"Hi." She said to one, whose eyes were glazed over. "I'm Tina."

The guard blinked at her a few times, and went back to watching the King.

"This is the part where it gets good, see, there's gonna be some ass-kicking in a moment." Tina added conversationally. "First that guy over there is going to try and attack Legolas, and Gimli's going to break his kneecaps and stomp on him some, and Gandalf's going to get really shiny and free Théoden." She paused. "Got any pea soup?"

The guard stared at the King.

"Just wondering. It'd tie in with the exorcism thing."

The guard said nothing.

"We could throw it all over the hall and pretend Théoden spit it up."

The guard was stolidly silent.

"You know, you're kind of hot, for a stoned plot device." Tina mused. "If you had an IQ higher than a banana, I'd ask you if you wanted to go get some coffee."

The guard replied ". . ."

"Although I suppose you'd prefer ale."

Nothing.

"Anyway, the exorcism thing is really cool, "Tina finished up lamely. What she needed was a giant foam finger. You couldn't watch any sort of sporting event without a giant foam finger, even if the sport was Rohirric-ass kicking. It just wasn't done, as far as she was concerned.

"His staff! I told you to take his staff!" Wormtongue shouted at the guards. Immediately they sprang into action, except for the guard next to Tina, who apparently had to keep guarding the doors.

"Yay! This is the ass-kicking part," Tina informed the guard. The guard was wearing a plumed helmet. It wasn't a giant foam finger, but it'd do. Tina plucked the feather out and waved it in the air like a banner.

"Woohoo! Go Gandalf! It's exorcisin' time!"

The guard gave a halfhearted step, as if trying to decide whether he should be helping the other guards.

"Don't bother." Tina suggested. "This is the best part."

"I release you from this spell." Gandalf said to Théoden, who glared at him a moment and started laughing.

"You have no power here," he chortled.

"-Gandalf the Gray." Tina finished, mouthing the lines happily. This was so much cooler in person. "I will draw you, Saruman, as poison is drawn from a wound! Look, look, this is the shiny part!"

Théoden fell back in his chair as Gandalf advanced upon him. The sense of power surrounding him was breathtaking.

"-And if this were proper, Éowyn would be showing up right about now to - Hey!" Tina was explaining to the guard, completely ignoring the majesty that was Gandalf, when suddenly an invisible hand jerked her arm and began yanking her away from the Guard, to the end of the hall.

"Awww, and we were getting along so well!" she whined, trying to shake off the invisible hand of the Author.

-Alinagawathawen stepped foreward to help Gandalf.-

"No, I'd rather watch, thank you." Tina grumbled.

"Mary Sue, stay back!" Legolas cried.

"Hey, I'm trying!" Tina snapped, pulling hard against the invisible force dragging her along.

"If I go," Théoden growled in Saruman's voice, "Théoden dies!"

-"Not if I have anything to say about it!" Alinagawathawen yelled . . .-

"Oh that was CORNY!" Tina griped. "I refuse to say that even more than I refuse to say most stuff. I - STOP THAT!"

-Alinagawathawen raised her hand and there was a blinding flash of light!-

Real life coincided with the Author's voice. Tina's hand jerked up as if it were on a string and the Golden Hall was suddenly filled with light. Tina saw veins criscrossing her eyeballs before she had a chance to shut them - then the light was gone, and she fell back, unsupported by the Author any longer. Muttering obscenities, she stood up again and rubbed her arse.

"What the hell?" she muttered.

"Mary Sue?" Legolas asked, from a distance.

Tina froze as the now young(er) Théoden stared at her.

"I know your face," he murmured. "Mary Sue . . ."

There was something on her hand. Something warm, and vibrating slightly. Tina raised it slowly, and stared at it.

On the fourth finger of her left hand was a ring. A delicate, faintly glowing, silver ring.

With a large, glittery pink heart dead center.

"A ring of power?" Legolas marveled.

"The fabled Lost Ring of Power," Gandalf declared. "Given long ago to an Elf King of a far-off land. I suspected that Mary Sue had it, the legendary Ring with the power to defeat Sauron's Ring . . ."

Tina looked at the tacky accessory on her finger. There seemed to be writing in glitter glue around the band.

She stared at it for a moment longer and very calmly said "Oh crap."

---

A/N: Muahaha, and the plot thickens!

. . . well, not really.

I promise I won't take so long on the next chapter. I really do.

The review button is your friend!

And . . . um . . . read Suedom too, please.