AN: I'm just going to take a moment to lament that my video was not chosen to be in the top five in AOL's Return of the King Red Carpet VIP contest. Needless to say, I am disappointed, but have enjoyed the entries that did. If by some remote chance any of the five are reading this, then kudos. You're hilarious, all of you.

The song Oedipus Rex belongs to and was written by Tom Lehrer. It's funny and disturbing.

On another note, say good-bye to short, pointless chapters. I'm getting the TTT section of JCMMS done before December 17 if it kills me!

. . . wait a minute, no I'm not! Put away those knives!

Chapter 18

You're a Bad Woman, Tina Carson

"The Fabled Other One Ring," Gandalf was saying, his voice denoting Randomly Capitalized Words.

"The Hell? A magic ring? I don't want a magic ring! Make it go away!" Tina griped.

"You did not tell me you had a magic ring!" Legolas gasped, staring as if transfixed at the tacky piece of jewelry on Tina's finger.

"Yeah, well, it's not like we're best buddies or anything -- GAH!" Tina gave a triumphant laugh as she yanked the offending piece of jewelry off her finger. Without pause she darted to the window and gave it a tremendous heave into the distance. Everyone in the Hall gasped as Tina waved cheerfully at the glint of the ring, sailing down the hill to land somewhere in the grass.

"BYEEE, SPARKLEE SHINEE THINGY!" Tina squealed, then blinked. Through the exhaustion-induced haze surrounding her brain she was beginning to realize that she was beginning to act more like her sister than herself. That was pretty disturbing.

"Mary Sue! What have you done?" Gandalf yelled.

"Well first I pulled my arm back, then I moved it forward really fast and let go . . ." Tina explained.

"What has possessed you to act so carelessly with your great treasure?" Gandalf persisted. "You must treat it with responsibility!"

Tina blinked blearily at him. The nights of running were catching up to her. "Aren't you supposed to be chasing Wormtongue away or something?"

"Hey, where is my son?" Théoden suddenly observed, and had to be led away to be given the bad news.

"I need a nap." Tina commented.

---

The room they'd put her in was sizeable and spartan. There was a bed and a table or two. The bed was comfortable, with thick blankets, and there was a mirror over one of the tables on the other side of the room.

And on the table . . .

Was the ring!

"AAAH!" Tina yelled, jumping away from it as if it were a highly venomous snake. "How'd you get here?!"

The ring twinkled innocently (and tackily) at her from the table.

"I bet you've got a friggin' homing device on you, don't you?" Tina growled at it.

There was a knock on the door.

"Go away!" Tina yelled, by way of greeting. The door opened and someone came in. Tina was too busy glaring at her ring to look up.

"My lady I am sent to help get you ready for Thaodred's funeral, and King Thaoden has told me to ask if you will sing at the funeral." A woman's voice said. Tina gave her ring one last scowl.

"Yeah, well you can tell him I said HOLY HELL YOU'RE ÉOWYN!" Tina yelled, falling off the side of the bed in surprise as she got a good look at the woman.

Éowyn, whose eyes were misty and unfocused, cocked her head curiously to the side. "Who? I am but a humble serving-maid, my lady."

"Like hell you are. You're the White Lady of Rohan, a Shieldmaiden, a daughter of Kings! Well, kings brothers, anyhow." Tina insisted, pulling herself back onto the bed. "And I thought you weren't in this story!"

"Story?" Éowyn blinked. "I am sorry, I do not know any stories. I am only here to help you dress, and to arrange your hair . . ."

"No, you're NOT." Tina said firmly. "You're here to help me get the hell out of here, got it? You're gonna snap back into character any moment now, right? Wait, you're probably going to be really mad and try and kill me or something, so if you do, please don't do that, alright?" she stood up, and the room spun. "Whoa. I'm too sleep-deprived for this. I need coffee." She said, sitting back down again.

"My Lady?"

"Your name is Éowyn. With a tilde over the E. Don't know why, but there is. Your father is Éomund, and your mother is Théodwyn. Théoden adopted you and your brother Éomer because your parents died. You're a Shieldmaiden and you're afraid of being trapped in Rohan doing woman's work all your life. You've got a crush on Aragorn. Remember any of that?"

Éowyn stared at her. "I'm sorry, I don't know this Shieldmaiden of whom you speak . . . come, it is getting late and I must still arrange your hair -"

"Oh come on! You ride into battle, you slay the Witch-King, you fall in love with Faramir, is any of this ringing a bell? Be in character, already!" Tina whined.

And suddenly, Éowyn was.

Her eyes widened and she reached for a sword that wasn't there. Her head whipped around as she took in her surroundings, paused to blink for a moment as if trying to remember where she was, then looked directly at Tina, suddenly stern and proud and fair, like a steel flower.

"Who are you, and what are you doing in my bedroom?" she demanded of Tina.

"Wow." Tina blinked. For once, omnificent Mary Sue powers had come in handy.

"Answer me." Éowyn said, in a voice of deadly cold. She paused. "I think I have seen you before, but I can't remember . . ." she looked confused.

"Must've met another blonde Mary Sue." Tina said. "They all look alike . . . thin, gorgeous, nice arses . . ."

"I haven't the time for this. I shouldn't be here. Something is wrong." Éowyn said, looking around for the source of her discomfort. "Whoever you are, you had best answer me soon." She directed another fierce gaze at Tina.

"I'm-" Tina started to say, but the door to the room suddenly swung open, and Théoden marched in.

"Uncle!" Éowyn exclaimed, rushing to his side. "What is happening? Why-"

"Mary Sue?" Théoden said. "Has this maid not yet prepared you for your step-brother's funeral?" He glared at Éowyn, who was taken aback. "You shall have to go as you are. Come!" he grabbed Tina's arm and began to drag her from the room, with Éowyn following closely behind.

"Why can he not hear me?" She wondered anxiously as she ran along behind Tina, who was bent at an awkward position to alleviate the stress on her wrist. Théoden's grip was bending it in a way she was pretty sure nature had not intended wrists to bend.

"Someone else is controlling him," she grunted, prying at his fist. "And everyone else. Everyone but you and me, actually."

"Why?"

"Well," Tina didn't really want to tell Éowyn that it was because she was a fictional character in a world that some people thought was fun to (inadvertently) manipulate. You just didn't tell people they weren't real. It wasn't nice. "Because they're really stupid." She finished lamely. "And want Elvish boyfriends."

"This is familiar," Éowyn was musing. "This has happened before. I just can't remember where . . ."

"It happens a lot, although this time you're being ignored." Tina volunteered, struggling to keep up with Théoden. Éowyn only glared at her.

"I know you're part of the reason for all this." She said.

"Hey, it's not my fault. I got -- WILL YOU FRICKIN' LET GO OF ME ALREADY? -- yanked into all this without my consent. I'd like for it to stop, too." Tina said. Éowyn and Théoden stared at her as she rubbed her wrist and looked expectantly back at them.

"I'm Tina, by the way, and I'm extremely tired. It's affecting my mind." She said to Éowyn.

Éowyn studied her for a moment, took in her bloodshot eyes and slumped position and decided that she was telling the truth in that aspect.

"Where is he taking you?" she asked, gesturing to Théoden, who had started walking again. Éowyn and Tina were following him.

"To Théodred's funeral," Tina said. "I-"

"WHAT?!" Éowyn cried. "Théodred's WHAT?!" She was thunderstruck for a moment, but then her eyes began to loose a bit of their wild look, and her breathing began to return to normal.

Tina felt a pang of remorse. Now Éowyn just looked terribly sad.

"Yes, unfortunately, that is where I am supposed to be . . ." Éowyn murmured.

"Er. Sorry." Tina said uncomfortably. "I thought you'd know."

"I do now." Éowyn's brows were knitted in confusion. "I feel as though I am waking from a dream . . ."

"Close enough. I'd try and explain better, but there seems to be a small elephant in my head throwing purple rice cakes at a picture of Don Knotz and screaming that if I don't go to sleep soon I'm going to suffer irreparable brain damage." Tina muttered. "It's distracting."

Éowyn looked at her. "What?"

"Sorry, that's the exhaustion speaking. If we work together, we can probably figure out a way to stop this," Tina whispered. "I want Rohan back to normal as much as you do."

"I have no idea who you are, and I don't trust you." Éowyn retorted.

"I made you stop acting like a maid and remember who you are, didn't I?" Tina pointed out.

"Yes, you did," Éowyn said thoughtfully.

"So at least hear me out."

"All right. Later." Éowyn suggested, as they fell into place by Théodred's tomb. Tina shrugged. Fine with her.

The funeral progressed. Éowyn bowed her head respectfully. Tina tried to do the same, but ended up falling over and snoring loudly instead. Éowyn looked at her reproachfully and turned back to watch Théoden's funeral procession. Her eyes filled with tears as she looked upon the body of her cousin once more, and as he passed her she opened her mouth to sing a dirge --

"Mary Sue!" a voice hissed behind her, breaking her concentration. "Get up, Théoden wants you to sing!"

Éowyn turned around to see Legolas prodding Tina's sleeping form. Tina gave a muffled yell and slapped ineffectually at the air in one of the areas that Legolas wasn't.

"Get up, you have to sing for Théodred's funeral!" Legolas insisted, pulling Tina to her feet. "I know you grieve, but you must."

"Oh" here Tina said an obscenity no one from Middle-earth understood. "I have to sing again?" she added another obscenity just for good measure, and began to yell something that could possibly have been set to music.

"There once was a man named Oedipus Rex, you may have heard about his odd complex! His name appears in Freud's index 'cause he LOVED HIS MOTHER!"

Éowyn's eyes widened and she stared at Tina in horror.

"Oh yes he loved his mother like no other, his daughter was his sister and his son was his brother!" Tina continued. Éowyn's mouth dropped open in disgust. She looked to the men around her for similar reactions, but found nothing.

"When he found out what he had done, he tore his eyes out one by one. What a tragic end to a loyal son who LOVED HIS MOTHER!" Tina finished with a giggle and plopped down again.

"Ah ha! Ah ha! I can't breathe." She laughed. "I see pretty stars, all over. Flash, flash, flash."

Éowyn seized Tina's arm roughly and pulled her up. She rubbed one of her temples as she dragged Tina through the Golden Hall. "I think you need my bed more than I do."

"Ha ha! Look at me, I'm gonna sleep with Éowyn! Hey Legolas, I'm a lesbian! Better luck next time!"

---

About seventeen hours of sleep and half a pot of strong, black coffee later, Tina was back to her normal self (i.e. a grumpy, sarcastic bitch), and was positively mortified.

"Oh my God. I sang Oedipus Rex at Théodred's funeral, didn't I?" she moaned to Éowyn as soon as she'd downed her coffee. Tina had found her in what she assumed was a kitchen, where Éowyn had been eating soup and looking pensive. "I am so sorry. I swear I never would have acted like that if I'd been in control of my brain at the time."

"I'm sure that sleep did you good." Éowyn said, a little stiffly.

"No, seriously." Tina persisted. "There's a time to mock, and the funeral of the cousin of the only person who's still sentient isn't it. I'm so sorry."

"No one remembers but me." Éowyn said, blowing on her soup.

"Don't care about them, the soppy bastards." Tina grumbled, taking another swig of coffee. "I wish they WOULD remember. I only make a fool of myself regularly so that all the men'll quit trying to get into my pants."

"What?"

"Nevermind. Coffee?"

Éowyn, unacquainted with the unfamiliar drink, and unsure as to how Tina had found any when she was sure they had never had any at Rohan before, took the proffered cup with some misgivings and sniffed it. She wrinkled her nose slightly, but, watching Tina quaffing deeply from her own cup, took a small sip, which she choked on.

"You enjoy this . . . drink?" she gasped, setting the cup down firmly.

"Well, I do brew it pretty strong." Tina admitted. "And normally, people put milk or sugar in it. Personally," she drained her cup. "I like it this way."

"It appears to be eating away at the flagon." Éowyn observed. Tina lifted her cup curiously, and the bottom fell out, letting the liquid spill onto the table with a faint hiss.

"Hmm. Yeah, a little stronger than usual today." Tina noted, and chucked the ex-cup over her shoulder. "So," she continued, "Bad impressions aside, do we have a partnership?"

"Hmm?" Éowyn said through her soupspoon.

"What I mean is, are you willing to work together with me to get me back home, and you your kingdom back?"

Éowyn paused. "I do not know why, but I feel I have been through this before, or something like it. Yes, I am willing to work with you, bad impressions aside."

"Good." Tina said, suddenly feeling hungry and helping herself to a bowl of soup as well.

"But I don't trust you." Éowyn added casually.

"That's okay." Tina amended. "I don't trust me either. I can't trust myself with my stuff at all. I always give it back covered in coffee stains."

Éowyn blinked, had the feeling she'd had conversations like this before, shook her head, and went back to her soup, trying hard to ignore the way Tina had discarded her spoon and was drinking – no, slurping – her soup straight out of the bowl.

A few minutes later, Tina gave a loud slurp of satisfaction and set down her empty soup dish. She leaned across the table to Éowyn in a conspiratorial manner and put her hands together.

"All right." She said seriously. "What we need is a Really Cunning Plan . . ."