A/N: So . . . I lied. But hey, wasn't RotK grand?

Er. Anyway, I'm terribly sorry about all the time I've been taking. I've been putting most of my energy into Suedom lately, which isn't really fair since the part I'm working on won't be shown to anyone until a lot more chapters have passed, while JCMMS is sadly overdue an update. But the thing is, I'd been puzzling over the plot and I came to the conclusion that I had no effing clue where I was going. So I had to take a moment to sit down (okay, so actually I took a moment to stand up and take a shower) and plan what came next. And I worked everything out - for the most part. So here's hoping that I'll be less negligent about updates, in the future!

. . . and RotK really was wonderful, as far as I'm concerned. Especially all the bits with Sam and Frodo. That whole "end of all things" bit just made me sob like a baby. Actually, I cried quietly through most of the movie, and burst into tears when it was over. It was just that beautiful.

Chapter 19

The Really Cunning Plan Goes Stupid

King Théoden, looking most woeful, quietly dropped a white flower on his son's grave.

"Simbb . . . sooombel . . . soo," he said ponderously, fighting valiantly and failing miserably to not say the lines being forced upon him. "My sssoo - my adopted daughter has returned."

Gandalf, helpless to stop himself, said, "Yes. Mary Sue has returned."

Théoden nodded jerkily, as if his head were on a string. "I was so worried when she ran away, you know. But she is rebellious."

"Yes, I did not expect any less since well you know who her father is," Gandalf said, silently crying out to the Valar for deliverance from this nightmare, or at least a comma every now and then.

Théoden gave Gandalf a look that plainly said, "You're a bloody wizard, for Bema's sake, can't you do anything about this?" What came out of his mouth was, "I love her even more than I love my daughter Éowyn. She is so beautiful and smart and she carries the Ring of Goodness. I would let her be queen of Rohan, if she wastnt' . . ." the King struggled to pronounce the last word, spraying his son's grave with saliva.

"Yes but maybe there is hope for her to be a queen yet and save Middle-earth," said Gandalf, who was still speaking through clenched teeth. "Have you told her who her father is yet?"

"No I do no want to," said Théoden. "I wish I had been her father, for I love her enough to have been,"as he spoke, he brought his hands together, wringing an imaginary neck with his twitching fingers.

"You should tell her," Gandalf advised.

"I will," said Théoden, trudging stiffly back to Edoras, leaving his son's grave un-mourned.

---

"This is not a Really Cunning Plan," Éowyn said, staring down her nose at Tina. This was an especially impressive feat, considering that Tina-the-Mary-Sue was taller than Éowyn. (Regular sized Tina would have been used as a footstool by any of the Rohirrim who were currently standing around the armory and drooling over her.)

"It's the best I could come up with in five minutes," Tina said defensively. "Are you going to help me with it or not?"

"There is no circumstance in which this could be considered a Really Cunning Plan," Éowyn went on, firmly expressing her opinions on Tina's Plan to get the men of Rohan and the rest of the Canon characters to act like themselves again. "This is the absolute opposite of a Really Cunning Plan. This plan is so far from being Cunning that anyone with a true shred of cunning would never have thought of it."

"Yeah, well according to Einstein it's coming back from the other side as brilliant," Tina said. "Come on, we're out where everyone can see us, now kick my ass!"

"You said nothing about a donkey!" Éowyn objected, loosing her temper.

"I meant beat me up, okay?" Tina explained. Badly.

"All you told me to do was visibly defeat you in a sword fight. I was not told that I would have to abuse an animal in the process."

"Look, there's no donkey!" Tina yelled. "Just make it look like I'm a real weakling, and maybe everyone will realize that I am, and that'll snap them out of it."

Éowyn gestured to the crowd of admirers who had gathered to drool at Tina. "I have a feeling that if any of these men see me hurting you, it will go over a lot worse for me than you anticipate. In the interest of self-preservation, I refuse to attack you."

"Oh please?" Tina begged. "Look, I've got the sword, and I'm terrible with it," She hefted the weapon, and promptly dropped it. "I won't be hard to beat at all, I promise. I've never even held a sword before this."

Éowyn paused, watching Tina struggle to keep the heavy, well-sharpened blade aloft. "You have never handled a sword?" she asked, her eyes now carefully trained on the weapon.

"Well not to brag or anything, but I do wield a pretty mean bread knife. Of course not!" Tina snapped. "I'm a coddled, protected, suburban middle-class child who's never been around anything more dangerous than a meat cleaver."

"Give me the sword," Éowyn said firmly.

"But-"

"NOW."

Tina sullenly handed the sword over. You didn't protest when Éowyn used her "I'm a Shieldmaiden, and I can kick your ass, as long as it doesn't involve cruelty towards vaguely horse-shaped animals" voice.

Someone tapped Tina on the shoulder. She turned around and redirected her glare at the man, who was drooling slightly.

"King Théoden requests your presence, lady," he said. "He wishes to discuss a matter of great importance with you."

Tina looked disgusted. "Well you can tell the king I said-"

Sensing danger, Éowyn slapped her hand firmly over Tina's mouth. "Do not insult the King," she hissed in Tina's ear. In reply, Tina stuck out her tongue and licked Éowyn's palm. Éowyn pulled her hand away, looking with disgust at Tina, who pulled her tongue back in quickly just in case Éowyn got ideas involving a swift blow to her chin.

"Sure," she said, shivering a little at Éowyn's furious glare and turning to the man. "I'll be right up."

She turned to say something to Éowyn, but the Shieldmaiden was sparring with an invisible opponent, her blade whirring and flashing and her face cold and set. Tina's words died on her lips, and she stepped back. Oh dear. She'd pissed off Éowyn. And while Tina was used to being given the cold shoulder by people she annoyed with her terrible manners, the woman who'd slain the Witch-King was someone you did not want to be angry with you . . .

Not to mention that she had no idea where Éowyn's hands had been! With a wave of horror, Tina wondered how often the Rohirrim washed their hands and realized that it couldn't be very often at all. She began frantically spitting as she walked to the King's hall.

Théoden looked up as Tina entered, wiping her tongue on her sleeve. He waited patiently as she appeared to finish licking herself.

"Whaddaya want?" Tina asked, wiping at her wet sleeve with the other hand. "Sir?" she added belatedly, figuring that if she was going to start being respectful to the King, she might as well do so even when Éowyn wasn't around to decapitate her.

The King, sitting on his throne, gestured for her to come closer. Tina took a step. He gestured again. Tina took another step. This went on until Tina was directly in front of Théoden, who said "Sit down," and commenced to look sad and weary. Tina sat cross-legged on the floor in front of him, which wasn't what he'd meant for her to do. But after gesturing about seventeen times in a row for her to come closer, Théoden didn't feel like putting the energy into the gesture that would command her to sit in the chair next to him. So he began to speak, instead.

"Mary Sue, you . . . never knew your father, did you?" he asked.

"Oh yes I do. His name is Phillip Carson, he's forty-two, he's a journalist, his favorite food is macaroni and cheese with onions, he eats toast with mayonnaise for breakfast, and he let my sister and me play with his hair up until two years ago when he noticed he was going bald," Tina said. Théoden, completely unfazed, barreled on.

"Your mother was trying to protect you, when she entrusted you to my care. She knew that her daughter would be in grave danger all the time, so she sent you here to keep you safe with the Rohan court-"

"No offense meant, sir, but that's bullshit," Tina said sharply. Her purist ire was rising. "If Galadriel had a daughter who was still young enough to be in her care during the War of the Ring, there would be no safer place for her than Lothlórien. Imladris, possibly, but not Rohan. You're cool and all, but you can't compete with Galadriel and Elrond in terms of power."

To Tina's surprise, Théoden burst into tears.

"I've done my best to make you happy, Mary Sue, but I guess it wasn't enough. You always wanted more than Rohan, didn't you? When you ran away I was so sad . . ."

"Look, you sound like my whiny sister! Get a hold of yourself!" Tina said, positively aghast at the pitiful, sobbing man who had taken Théoden's appearance. "Why don't you just start breathing heavily and say 'Mary Sue . . . .I am your father!' so that I can yell and get it over with?"

Théoden knitted his brows in confusion. "But Mary Sue, I am not your father!"

There was a brief, embarrassed pause. "Oh," Tina blinked. "Well . . . good!" she added, rather lamely.

"But I know who is," the King went on, and Tina began to get a bad feeling in the pit of her stomach. This time she didn't think it had anything to do with the soup. "And it is time you knew."

"I don't think I want to," Tina said grimly.

"Mary Sue," Théoden said dramatically. "You are the daughter of Galadriel and Isildur, and you are heir to the Throne of Gondor!"

---

A/N: Ahaha. Shock-that-isn't!

I liked this chapter. What do you think, have I no taste, or what? The review button is your friend!

The "according to Einstein" joke was blatantly yoinked from the description of Rincewind in most Discworld books and tweaked to fit.