AN: Here is the next chapter of my story.
*****************************
Alia
He looks so at peace . . . like he doesn't have a care in the world . . .
It's been four days since X was found and he's still sleeping. I haven't been able to decipher the code of the diagnostic program that's keeping him like this, so I have no idea just what it's doing or when it will be finished. It isn't all that surprising that I couldn't analyze the program, there are still many aspects of X's design that we still don't understand and this program is just another one of them. I didn't really expect to be able to figure it out anyways . . . it mostly just to gives me an excuse to check on X . . . I wonder if anyone really believes that's the only reason I've been coming to the infirmary every day. I'm not even fooling myself with that excuse . . . I suppose the real reason has to do with all these feelings that got dredged up when I thought X was dead . . .
I can't even begin to describe how happy I am that X was found alive . . . I almost couldn't believe it. Sometimes I'm afraid that this is all a dream, that I'll wake up and find out that he is gone forever . . . I guess that's part of why I come here every day, to reassure myself that this is real, that X really did come back to us. When Lifesavor and Douglas left me alone with X the day they brought him home, I cried . . . I never knew that person could cry because they were happy before . . . that's the second time X made me cry that day, the jerk. I'm just glad that he's alive and unharmed; if you don't count the fact he hasn't woken up yet.
The fact that he isn't awake and that we don't know how he got repaired from the damage he took has been bothering me though.
I know X's auto-repair system is among the most advanced of any ever developed . . . but I don't think that it could have healed the level of damage that X's transponder readings indicated he sustained. There's also supposedly nobody around who can understand some of his systems well enough to duplicate them, let alone repair them. I'm not saying it's impossible to repair those systems, just very difficult and most of the work has to be left to the auto-repair system. Besides, there were only two days between when we lost X's signal and he was found by Douglas . . . that's hardly enough time for even someone like me or Gate to repair X enough from that kind of damage for his auto-repair system to take over. The fact that X was fully repaired would indicate that whoever fixed him had extensive knowledge of how he works. The same goes for this diagnostic program. If X didn't initiate it himself or if it didn't execute automatically after he was repaired, then the person who fixed him would have to be aware of its existence to activate it. But the only person with that kind of knowledge would be Dr. Light and he's been dead for over a century. Some people are proclaiming X's recovery to be some kind of miracle. While I respond that it's probably just the result of something in X's design and not a miracle . . . I don't have the same conviction in my words that I would have a few days ago. I really can't think of a more appropriate term to describe X's sudden reappearance . . .
I knew if something like this happened, I'd drive myself crazy trying to find an explanation for it. It frustrates me that I can't figure out exactly how X was repaired and placed at the recovery team's base camp . . . I've always had trouble just accepting that sometimes unexplainable things happen. Maybe X can answer my questions when he wakes up, unless of course whoever repaired him somehow deleted that information from his memory.
Could someone really do that?
Yes, they could . . . that opens up a whole new set of worries. Reploid memories may just be lines of code, but they are notoriously difficult to alter and it's even harder to try and implant false memories. Deleting memories is somewhat easier, but still dangerous . . . an incomplete deletion could leave a data fragment that may cause the reploid to recall parts of the lost memory and there's always the risk of deleting other data along with the memory by mistake. The fact that most reploids keep a backup file of their memories makes messing with them even harder. If you don't delete or alter the backup, then it could restore whatever memory was tampered with to its original state. The only way to really ensure that a memory is destroyed is to completely reinitialize a reploid back to the factory state . . . but that not only completely erases every last memory a reploid has, it also deletes the reploid's personality as well.
Would whoever repaired X have really risked tampering with his memories? Does that mean X won't remember how he was repaired? That may not be so bad . . . but if they really messed up, then X may have forgotten more than just that. He may not even remember me, Signas, or any of the members of his unit depending on just how much of his memory got erased. They could have even altered his personality somehow . . . X may not even be the same man I remember when he finally wakes up. That's assuming he does wake up . . .
No! He will wake up. I know that much . . . and despite the worries that the idea of stranger poking around in X's head arouses, I have a strong feeling that I'm worrying for no reason at all . . . that X will be the same person I remember, the same man I . . .
I'm not sure I want to open that particular can of worms yet. During this last week I've had to deal with a lot of feelings that I didn't know I had about X . . . or maybe they were feelings I simply chose not to acknowledge because I didn't want to complicate things between us . . . I really value X's friendship and if I admitted to him that I had those kind of feelings for him but he didn't feel the same way, I could risk damaging that friendship. I don't care what other people seem to think, if you tell somebody that you're in love with them . . . it changes things between you and that person. How can I really even be sure that I really feel that way about him? I probably shouldn't tell him until I'm certain of my feelings and at least have some clue how he feels . . . until I figure out what I'm going to do about these feelings, I'll keep doing what I've always done. I will continue to support X in any way I can and always be there for him. I'm just glad to have him back . . . I've never felt so overjoyed about something before. Of course there is a part of me that still wants to yell at him for making me think he was dead and scaring me like that.
X's return has actually given the morale at the base a real boost. Everyone seems a little less on edge, even Signas. He's had it rough lately trying to asses just how many Hunter's we've lost and trying to ensure the safety of the civilians who fled to the underground shelters from Maverick attacks. On top of that the Council has made it our responsibility to repair the damage done by the colony debris. Hopefully we'll be able to get the remaining non-Maverick reploids on the surface to assist us in the clean up; I don't know if the Hunters can handle it alone after the recent crisis.
Other than the prospect of rebuilding the planet, the only other thing that has put a damper on X's return is Zero's absence. Douglas still hasn't found any sign of him and the recovery teams finally packed up and left point 11F5646 earlier today. They searched the area several dozen times and worked around the clock the whole time. The only evidence that Zero was ever at that place was his Z-saber, which somehow wound up with X. I wonder if Zero survived like X did and we just haven't uncovered him yet. Someone had to have put the saber next to X . . . could Zero have done it? If that's the case then why would he just leave X like that? Is Zero afraid that he's been branded a Maverick because of his disobeying orders or since that new virus had the same readings as him? I just have trouble believing that Zero wouldn't return to the base if he were able to . . . Zero could be reckless at times, but he always took responsibility for his actions and their consequences. I don't know why Zero went to point 11F5646, but I don't think he intended to not come back after he was through there.
It probably wasn't Zero who left the saber with X. It must have been put there by whoever repaired X . . . that still doesn't explain why there's no sign of Zero's remains. Maybe Zero is really gone for good . . . I'd hate to have to be the one to tell X if that's true. Zero was like a brother to him, X would be devastated to learn that he's dead. What's worse is that since we can't positively confirm Zero's death because there's no body, it will always leave room for the possibility that he's still alive in X's mind and X won't give up on Zero until he finds some proof of whether Zero is alive or not. Since there are no clues as to what happened to Zero after we lost contact with X, it's impossible to launch any type of effective search for him, other than the type of search the recovery team that found X just completed. The only thing left of Zero seems to be his saber.
I have the saber with me right now, lying next to the terminal I'm using. I convinced Douglas that someone should hold on to it and give it to X – I'm sure Zero would want him to have it. Douglas decided I should be the one to hold on to it for some reason. I think it would mean a lot to X for him to have the saber to remember Zero by . . .
I know Zero had this particular saber custom modified over the years to increase its usefulness. He upgraded the power cell, boosted the blade's energy output, and modified it so that he could upload the DNA files of opponents into it so that he could use them to develop new saber techniques. There are other beam sabers with comparable power and abilities out there . . . but none are quite like this one. Maybe that perception has more to do with the man who owned the saber rather than the weapon itself.
I wonder when X will wake up . . . Just looking at him you'd never think that he had been hurt severely in a major battle just a week ago . . .
"He does look cute when he's asleep though . . ."
What?! Did I just say that out loud? Oh my God, I can't believe I did that! I hope nobody heard me . . . I'm supposed to be working on an analyses of that diagnostic program, not ogling X or whatever it was I was just doing. I doubt X heard me; Lifesavor commented earlier that X shouldn't be able to hear anything in his current state. Not that it's stopped any of the 17th's members from coming in and talking to him . . . they come down here as often as me. They care a great deal about X. He's not just their leader, he's a friend and confidant to many of them . . . and to some of them he's something of a father figure. They know he genuinely cares about him and would not ask any more of them than they are capable of and because of that they give him their all. The entire 17th would follow X through Hell itself if he asked them to. A fair number of commanders from the remaining units have stopped by to check on X as well, many of them were at one point under his command or trained by him. I wonder if X ever realized how important he is to so many people and not just because of his skills as a warrior.
I wonder what X would think if he could hear his friends talking to him even though he probably wouldn't be able to respond. I wonder what he would think if he heard what I said a minute ago. I know X considers me a good friend and he seems to enjoy spending time with me . . . What would he do if he thought I might have feelings for him? Could he ever view me as anything other than a friend? If I really do love him, like I'm starting to think I might . . . can I really be content with only being his friend? Would that be enough for me? I don't know . . .
Why am I even thinking about stuff like that? I should just be grateful that he's alive. It'd be foolish to even consider starting a relationship in the middle of war anyways; things are just too uncertain right now. It'd probably be wiser just to wait till the war is over before I even start thinking like that again. I mean this war can't go on forever. Even if X did feel that way about me, I'd probably just wind up being a distraction to him and he can't afford to be distracted in his line of work. Telling X how I feel would just needlessly complicate things between anyways, especially if he doesn't feel the same way . . .
I suppose that's what it boils down to . . . I'm still confused about my feelings for him, I don't know if he can ever view me as more than a friend, and I'm too scared to risk the relationship I already have with X to find out how he does feel about me.
I think it's best for now if I just remain X's friend until I sort out just how I do feel about him. I need to know for certain whether these feelings I have mean I really am in love with him or not. Then I can decide what I'm going to do, if I want to take a shot at a deeper relationship with X or just let things stay the way they are. I shouldn't take too long to figure it out though, if there's one thing I've learned this week it's that X may not be around forever like we always assumed he would be.
Huh? Did I just hear a noise? It sounded like it was coming from X's bed . . . I better check on him.
Nothing . . . he isn't making any noise other than breathing and he's not moving. It must have been my imagination . . . he didn't wake up and there's no change in the readouts of the monitors by his bed . . . so why am I still standing here looking at him?
This is embarrassing . . . what if somebody sees me just hovering over X like this. Why can't I take my eyes off him? I feel silly standing here by his bed . . . like I expect him to wake up any second.
I should probably leave . . . my shift starts in an hour and there are some reports Signas wants me to go over . . . but I can't make myself move.
"X, please wake up . . ."
Why'd I say that? He can't hear me, so it's not like asking him to wake up will accomplish anything . . .
Wait a minute, his eyes . . . the . . . they're opening! He's smiling too!
"Hi Alia, looks like I survived long enough for you guys to rescue me after all . . . Were you able to save Zero too?"
He's awake, he's really awake . . . he's even sitting up! What do I do now? Should I tell him about Zero or should I let someone else do it?
"X, we . . . we couldn't find Zero. There was no sign of him anywhere when we found you . . . I'm sorry."
He looks like someone just hit him in the gut . . . that's not surprising; he just found out that not only that his best friend is dead but that we weren't even able to find his body. I guess X is feeling more or less the way I did when I thought he was dead . . . but given how close he was to Zero, I'd venture to say he may feel worse than I did. If that's true, then he's holding a lot of the pain inside, not allowing anybody to see just how much it really hurts. Human or reploid, it doesn't matter, when something hurts we're often reluctant to let anybody, even our friends, know just how much pain we're really in . . .
I can't stand it! It hurts to see him suffering like this. I know how X is. He doesn't like to burden other people with his problems, so he always tries to deal with them by himself. On top of that he always seems to be trying to shoulder other people's problems and help them out, no matter what problems he's going through himself. I wish I could do something to help him, to make Zero's loss more bearable . . .
"After the fight with Sigma, Zero was in really bad shape . . . I knew he might not make it . . . I was just hoping that maybe . . . maybe he did."
"X . . ."
"What Alia?"
Damn it! Why can't I think of anything to say? What could I possibly say to comfort him that wouldn't sound cliché or like empty words? Should I tell him that Zero wouldn't want him to mourn his death? That wouldn't help things at all. It'd probably just make X angry with me. I can't say that I understand how he's feeling, even though I do. When a person grieves they seldom believe that anyone really understands how they feel and get hostile if you sound like you're trivializing their emotions. I don't want to make X angry or add to his grief by saying or doing the wrong thing.
"I'm so sorry X."
That's all I can think of to say as I put my arms around him. It's the truth, I am sorry that Zero's gone. I'm also sorry that X has to experience the pain of losing his best friend. I just wish there was something I could do for him.
I don't know if hugging him was the right thing to do . . . but it was all I could think of. I'm not the most experienced person at helping others cope with grief, so I hope I did the right thing. I don't want X to blame himself for not being able to save Zero. I know in my heart that he did everything he could, but sometimes that's not always enough to accomplish an objective. Sometimes it doesn't matter what we do, some outcomes just can't be avoided . . .
"I shouldn't have fought him . . ."
"What?"
"I found Zero shortly before going after Sigma. I asked him to come back to the base and let me handle the investigation . . . He wouldn't come back though. He told me to leave and let him finish up there, but I couldn't. I couldn't allow him to stay there and keep exposing himself to the virus, I was afraid of what affects it would have on him. I told Zero that I'd fight him if that was the only way to bring him back. He didn't believe me. Neither of us was going to leave or back down and finally . . ."
"You fought him."
I can't believe it . . . X and Zero fought each other?! I wasn't expecting that. But from the pain in his voice and the look in his eyes, I know he's telling the truth.
I can tell it's not easy for X to tell me what happened. I don't know why he is. He doesn't have to tell me this; he doesn't have to tell anyone about what happened there. He could have just told everyone that he and Zero fought Sigma and left this part out. Maybe he needs to talk about it to someone and I just happened to be on hand . . . I won't tell anyone else about this though. I'll let X decide if what happened between him and Zero should be in the official report . . . it could really damage Zero's reputation and make it look like Lifesavor was right about him if it got out that he fought X after being ordered back to base. I don't think X would want to do anything that would change how people would remember Zero. He wouldn't want people remembering Zero as a possible Maverick instead of the hero he proved himself to be time and again. Even though Zero and X fought, I don't think Zero was the one who shot X.
"X, what happened after your fight with Zero?"
"We were both unconscious, but alive. About the time we started to come around, Sigma decided to show up. He tried to finish me off but Zero stopped him. Then Zero chased after Sigma and I went to help him as soon as I could get up. By the time I found them, Sigma was in a new battle body and Zero was badly hurt."
"Then you defeated Sigma and somehow he managed one last attack against you two."
"How . . ."
"We picked up a big explosion at the coordinates you went to and we managed to reestablish radio contact right before you were attacked. Your transponder readings changed so drastically, the only explanation was that someone powerful attacked you."
"I don't know how Sigma still had the strength to attack me like that since he had to be in worse shape than Zero. I was pretty messed up myself after that attack. The repair job you guys did on me is amazing."
Wait, X thinks we repaired him? Does that mean he doesn't know who really fixed him? There's only one way to find out . . .
"X . . . we didn't repair you. You were already fully healed when the recovery team found you."
"H, how is that possible?"
"We were hoping that you could tell us how or who repaired you once you woke up."
He looks confused about how we could have just found him totally uninjured and it looks like he's trying to remember something.
"I'm sorry Alia, but I don't know how I was repaired."
I can see it in his eyes that there's something he's not telling me, but I feel he's telling the truth about not knowing how it happened. But after everything he's been through I'm not going to press the issue, especially now. Zero's death is enough for him to deal with without having everyone harass him about how his injuries were healed.
"That's okay X. I'm just glad that you're back safe and sound."
Wait! I almost forgot. Where is the saber? It's over by the console I was using. Maybe giving it to X will help him cope with Zero's loss. I know Zero would want X to have it and it would give X something to always remember Zero by.
"Alia, where are you going?"
"I'm just getting something I thought you might want to have. Here, we may not have found Zero, but we found his saber lying next to you. I, I thought that you might want it and I believe that Zero would definitely have wanted you to keep it if something happened to him."
X is trembling slightly as he takes the saber from my hands. He's holding it so gingerly, like he's afraid of breaking it. He was definitely surprised to see it here. The look on his face though, I can see just how much this means to him. That saber is more than just a weapon, it's a part of Zero – one that will always remain by X's side even though Zero himself is no longer here. X looks like he's about to cry . . . maybe I should give him some time alone. I'll let Lifesavor know that X is awake.
I wish I could know what he was thinking. Is he taking this as proof of Zero's death? Does he still have some hope of finding Zero? I know that X would have wanted to have the saber once he found out it survived; I just hope that I made the right choice giving it to him now.
"Thank you Alia."
There's a quiver in his voice that I've never heard before. I can tell he really is grateful to me for giving him the Z-saber, but he's going through a lot right now. I mean he almost died, he just found out Zero's dead, and that some mystery person rebuilt him. I guess I really should go and give him some time to deal with all of that.
"It's nothing. I just thought you might want to hold on to it rather than let it get put in the armory and issued to some rookie who might not appreciate it as much."
"This means a lot to me Alia. It really does."
"Like I said, it wasn't any trouble."
"Yeah, but still . . . thank you for making sure I got it."
"Your welcome . . . I guess I better be going now. I'll let Lifesavor know you're awake before I go."
"Knowing Lifesavor, he rigged the monitors to let him know when I woke up. You don't have to go if you don't want to . . . but if you have to be somewhere, I understand. Maybe we can talk again later?"
My shift doesn't start for another 30 minutes and those reports Signas wants me to go over aren't so important that they can't wait until later . . . besides, maybe X doesn't want to be alone right now . . .
I wonder if he knows how happy it makes me that he wants me to stay, how it stirs up all these feelings about him that I've been trying to sort out these last few days. That he said I could stay probably doesn't mean anything, he probably just wants to have a friend around right now. Maybe I should stay, I'm not really that eager to leave, I just thought he might want some time alone.
"Actually, I can stay a few a minutes longer, if that's okay."
"It is. Thanks Alia, I'm not sure I feel like being alone right now anyways."
"I don't mind at all X. Like I said, I'm just glad to have you back."
**********************
AN: Well, please let me know what you think. Given what's going on in school right now, it will be a while before I can work on the next chapter. Thanks for reading!
