OK, cuz most of you wanted it, here's a short story about the kids who were supposed to be at

Camp Kalterman and wound up at Iron Back by mistake.

"Welcome to Camp Iron Back, maggots!" shouted Sgt. Hawk. "You will not be making wallets,

key chains or tie racks. You will not be going on pony rides, potato sack races or water balloon

fights. I am Sgt. Hawk and you will answer to me! Do I make myself clear?"

A girl with blonde pigtails raised her hand. "Sgt. Hawke?" she asked. "We were supposed

to go to Camp Kalterman. I think we got on the wrong bus."

Hawk stalked over to the girl. "And what's your name, Miss Maggot?"

"M-Meryl."(1) she stammered.

"Meryl what?"

"Meryl Poehler."

"Meryl Poehler what?"

"Do you want my middle name?"

"I don't give a rat's patoot what your middle name is! When you address me, Meryl Poehler,

you will call me sir! Do you understand?"

"Yes sir!"

"When's movie time?" asked a boy with shaggy blond hair.

Hawk stalked over to the boy. "What is your name, Maggot?"

"Raymond Walsh. But my friends call me Ray. Uh-sir."

"Well, I am not your friend so I will continue to address you as Maggot! Will that be a

problem?"

"N-no sir." said Ray.

"What we will be doing is running an obsticle course! Move it! Move it!"

"Aren't we gonna have donuts and Sunny D?" asked Meryl.

Hawk glared at her. "Do you really want donuts, Miss Poehler?"

"Uh, I guess not, sir."

"Does anyone else want donuts?"

"Sir, no, sir!" chorused the not so happy campers.

"I'd like a donut." said Ray.

"I suppose you would, Maggot! Obsticle course! Now!"

The campers were to climb a rope and slide down to a raft docked by the river. One weakling

of a camper couldn't get more than a foot up the rope. "What is your major malfunction, Numbnuts?"(2)

Hawk demanded.

"P-please, sir," he said. "I'm asthmatic."

"I know how to get him to climb the rope." said Ray. He took a lighter out of his pocket

and set the rope on fire. The asthmatic kid scurried up the burning rope in record time.

"Thank you very much." said Hawk. "Can I be in charge now?" (3)

"Um, Sgt. Hawk, sir?" said Meryl. "We're not supposed to be here. We were supposed to go

to Bible camp."

"Oh, you were? And just what were you going to do at Bible camp?"

"Um, nature hikes, sing alongs, arts and crafts, learning about God..."

"I am your God! You answer to me! Run the obsicle course! Now, now, NOW!"

The Bible camp kids stumbled over each other as they tried to complete the obsticle

course. "That was pathetic!" said Hawk. "You are worthless and weak!(4) I know just the thing to

get you goody-goody Bible bunnies into shape! You will climb Mt. Humiliation! You will bring back

the flag planted there! We'll just SEE if your God helps you!"

"C'mon, everybody!" Meryl said enthusiastically to her friends. "If we work together and

help each other, we can bring that flag back in no time!"

"Meryl's right!" said the asthmatic kid. "Let's do this!" The kids went skipping up the

mountainside.

"Michael row the boat ashore!" they all sang as they skipped. "Hal-lay-loooo-yah! Michael

row the boat ashore..." Ray lagged behind, unenthusiastically following the other kids.

When they got to the top of the mountain, they raced for the flag. A roaring sound of

wind filled the air. A great black craft hovered before them. The updraft whipped at their clothes

and hair. Some kids stood awestruck. Some fell to their knees and prayed. Ray pointed and said

"What the heck is that thing?"

From the top hatch emerged a white haired woman with dusky skin and a cape that furled

dramatically around her trim frame. "X-Men," she said athoritavly. "The Professor and Mystique

are... you're not the X-Men."

"Are-are you an angel?" asked Meryl.

"Hardly." said Storm. She smiled wryly. "I am a goddess."(5)

Ray noticed an open hatch on the craft. It was so close to an outcropping of rock. Could

he possibly stow away on this magnificent craft?

"I'm looking for some friends." said Storm. "They were supposed to come here to Camp Iron

Back."

"W-we were supposed to go to Camp Kalterman," said Meryl. "Miss Goddess, ma'am. M-maybe

they were sent there, by mistake."

"I shall look there then." said Storm. She reentered the Blackbird. It lifted vertically

above the stunned children and streaked away into the sky.

I'll write more about our heros soon. Thank you for your reviews. I don't believe I've ever gotten

so many in just a few days. One told me about a friend who was forced to convert from Catholicsism

to Baptist while visiting a "friend's" youth group.

Someone else said they liked the Todd/Kurt interaction and said they were for this ship. Um, I had

Todd try to kill Kurt! I'm not completly closed minded about T/K shipper stories, but I don't find

them feasable. For one, they hate each other, for another, they both seem pretty much straight.

I prefer to think of them as a comedy duo the way they take potshots at each other. Think about it.

Would Abbot and Costello work as a romantic couple? Well, it would give a whole new meaning to the

phrase "Hey, Abbooooooot!" Actually, Kurt and Todd would be more like Jack Lemmon and Walter

Mattheau respectivly. Here's a quick sketch I call Grumpy Old Mutants.

(Kurt and Todd are 70 years old and sitting on rockers on the porch of the X Mansion, watching

some kids play on the lawn.)

Todd: Moron.

Kurt: Putz.

(Todd rocks in the chair, Kurt's tail gets caught under the rocker.)

Kurt: That was my tail, you smelly old coot!

Todd: You gray furred freak! (Hits him with a cane. Kurt punches him. They start fighting.)

Kid with blue fur: Nana Kitty! Gran Marie! Grampy Todd and Opa Kurt are at it again!

The Notes:

(1) In the Upright Citizen's Brigade sketch the girl's name was Meryl. Her last name and Ray's

are that of the actors who portrayed them.

(2)This line is from /Full Metal Jacket/.

(3)Also from /Full Metal Jacket/.

(4)Line from the end of "We're Not Gonna Take It" by Twisted Sister.

(5)Marvel cannon. Storm was worshipped as a goddess in Africa.

As usual, X-Men belong to Marvel and WB. Upright Citizen's Brigade belongs to Comedy Central.