Spidered (R)

R  but there is nothing explicit

I sit up.  My hands are shaking and for a moment all I can hear is the pounding of my heart and our harsh breathing. 

I look around and find the keys.  I grab them and get up but I don't go near him. I only want him to see that I'm putting his keys in my pocket. He looks as if he can't believe I'm doing this.

"Sara, please.  I don't want to hurt you"

"You already have." I reply defiantly "Many times"

"I know." He admits, after a moment "I am sorry, Sara"

"You know, Grissom, if you told me that you are sick of me… I would understand why things have deteriorated between us. Why we don't even work together anymore-" I shake my head, trying hard not to sound whiny "I only asked you if you love me, Grissom; if you do, we need to talk and if you don't, it will be all right" Liar, I tell myself, but still I try to be reasonable "But I need your answer, because… because I don't want to hate you"

He looks up with an alarmed expression on his face.

"Sara, don't- You don't understand." He argues "You don't know me-"

"No." I admit, "I don't."

"Why, then?" he insists

"Because I'm not afraid" I explain, and I go to him.  I reach tentatively and caress his face. He doesn't move, but at least he doesn't flee from me, so I get closer and gently ease my arms around him.  "I love you" I say firmly. He doesn't say anything, but his eyes are expressive enough "Oh, Grissom, don't be afraid" I whisper, pressing my forehead against his "I'm offering you love, how bad can that be?  Take it".

I kiss his cheek and then his lips.  Gently, trying to end his fears.  His mouth feels firm and warm, and it's sweet from the tea.   I pull back a little, to look at him. He's wide eyed, surprised at what I just did. I smile, feeling a little smug.

"Take it" I whisper

He takes a deep breath and grabs my arms away from him.  He holds my wrists in his hands for a moment, deciding what to do.  Suddenly, he softly pushes me and pins me against the door.

I gasp as he presses his body against me.

"Sara" he whispers hoarsely in my ear  "Do you want to go up in flames?"

"Gil-"

"Do you?" he asks defiantly "Go up in flames, until there's nothing left but ashes?…That's how I feel about you! And I can't do it. No matter how much I want you" he sighs and starts laying little kisses on my ear and my neck, sending shivers along my spine "I wish I could forget everything else" he whispers between kisses "Forget that it will not last; that tomorrow it will be all over-"

"It won't-" I pant, leaning against his shoulder, giving him space for more of those sweet kisses "It won't be over."

"Can't promise me that!" he insists and then he pulls back to look at me "I'd be risking more than you can imagine, Sara.  If I lose you-"

"You won't, Grissom. Ever. If this doesn't work out, I'd still want to be here, even if it's only to work, or to talk."

He hesitates.  We look at each other, and we're so close, I can barely keep myself from kissing him.  He releases my wrists. 

"Oh, Grissom" I can't hide my disappointment, but he's only moving his hands from my wrists to my hips.  He looks at me as if he's trying to memorize my face and my body, so close to him.  He barely nods at me, as if to say 'you win' and then he kisses me. Gentle, little kisses on my lips.  At first we don't know where to put our arms, and our noses bump once or twice. We smile at our clumsiness but we slowly find our place in each other's arms and our bodies fit perfectly; and then we are really kissing. 

Tenderly, he eases his tongue in my mouth, and waits until I meet him with mine.

His fingers thread softly on my body.  Like delicate spiders.  That makes me smile and I briefly pull away from him just to see the look on this face. His eyes are half closed, and his lips are a bit swollen.  He smiles dreamily and kisses my cheek, while his fingers continue their exploration.  He rains soft kisses on my cheek, my ear, and my neck.  Even his beard feels wonderful; a little rough, a little ticklish. 

I sigh as he slowly lifts the hem of my shirt.  Just a little; just enough to slid his hands inside. I hold my breath as he fondles my skin and then he kisses me again. Possessively.

It's true, I realize suddenly:  It feels as if we'll go up in flames; it's scary and it's

irrational -I  feel as if I'll fall in a lifeless heap if he lets go of me. 

We give everything and demand everything from each other as we kiss, and there's nothing tentative now in his caresses.   I press myself against him, desperate to feel more of him; I wish I could explore him too,  but my hands are laced around his neck and I love the feel of his curls so much-

I gasp when he gently cups my breasts, and I grab his hair and I desperately curl a leg around him just to reassure myself that he won't pull away from me, ever. 

He's murmuring something as he fondles me.

"You're so lovely…"

I cry out as I come. I babble his name, over and over, hiding my face on his neck, while he  holds me and quietly shushes me, reassuringly.

It's embarrassing. I can't believe I lost control like this, so easily.  I can't believe his words alone– and his hands, too, I can't believe that's all it took-  Am I saying this out loud?

I slowly release the hold I've had on him –I'm afraid I've left bruises on his shoulders.

He kisses every inch of my face and then he softly kisses my throat.

I sigh, and I smile a little, thinking that now it'll be his turn-

"Give me the car keys, Sara," he says.

I blink; it's as if I'm waking up from a dream.  At first I can't believe he's asking me this, but soon I tell myself that if he made his choice, I have to accept it.  Or maybe I'm so emotionally drained that I can't argue anymore.  I look away when I give him the keys. He takes them and waits until I look at him.  He throws the keys away and they bounce off the couch.

We smile at each other.  I feel that we're equals in this, now. We love each other, too much perhaps, but equally and that's all I wanted. 

And yet…

"I'm scared as hell" he blurts out.

I want to reassure him, but then I remind myself that honesty is the best policy sometimes.

"Yeah" I nod, "Me. too"