Twins of My Body (More Stories of the Twinning of Aeryn Sun) Author: blueaeryn Rating: PG

Summary: John Makes a Decision That Changes the Course of Their Lives

Notes: Spoilers through the end of S3 Disclaimer: Not mine.

She had visited a surgeon on the last commerce planet they visited. John had heard D'Argo and Chiana talking, and speculating why Aeryn would need to see one. They didn't even notice him lurking in the shadows, as he had become a fixture on Moya like the bioluminescents and the DRDs.

John wondered himself about Aeryn's health, but he couldn't force himself to ask her. He had finally worked enough courage to inquire about her, but she had gone back down to the planet. He had heard it was for more tests, and it worried him even more.

That had been 10 solar days ago. He watched her work and she seemed fine, however he did notice she seemed pale. If she were sick surely she would tell him. But why would she? He hadn't offered her an ounce of kindness since her return.

All he could do was compare her to the one who had stayed on Moya. The one who had stayed with him, the one who loved him and held him close, but this version of Aeryn loved him too. He could see it in her eyes, even after all he had done to her she still carried that love for him but he wondered if she could ever express it.

Every night he went to his quarters and crawled in bed and wrapped himself in the pillow she used to sleep on. He would wake her in the mornings by kissing her neck and she would laugh in that deep throaty way of hers as he trailed tiny kisses across her skin. She would turn her head to him and capture his mouth, and he wouldn't just kiss her, he would taste her. He tried to envelop himself inside her. He never wanted to let her go.

God, he could still taste her on his lips. She was like a flower opening on the first day of spring. Never having known what it was like to express emotions like true love and passion, she had jumped into it with the same tenacity she did everything when she finally let herself open up. And John was there to witness the re-birth of Aeryn Sun.

He didn't know if he could wait for this Aeryn to find that passion. What scared him the most is to love her again, and watch fate play its cruel trick on them. To give him a glimpse of heaven and snatch it away again, and then he would be back to where he was. At least now he had the pain and the memories to keep him company. To love her again and possibly lose her would kill him next time. He was sure of it.

John rubbed his face with his hands. He was so tired. It was in these moments he just wanted to go home. He missed his family. He wondered what his dad was doing right now. Hell, he didn't even know what season it was, not to mention what year. And what of his sisters, his sister Susan and her husband and his nephew Bobby, and Olivia had she married? If she had, he wondered if he would like the guy. They probably thought he was dead, and in a way John Crichton was dead.

That naïve boy so full of wonder died the moment he was swallowed by that wormhole. This place had changed him, hardened him, but with Aeryn he always found balance. She kept him sane, even when Scorpius' neural chip was slowing driving him insane. She was there to ease his fears and she was the one who rescued him from Scorpy's clutches. She always rescued him. She gave her life and the life of their child to save him. His poor miserable soul, that wasn't worth the death of Aeryn Sun.

Tears that had been bottled up inside for so long began to flow from him. He slammed his fist on the table over and over again, and then laid his head down on the table. John didn't know how much longer he could take this. He was tearing himself apart, and his inability to open up to Aeryn was breaking her spirit.

He could see a piece of her die each day, and he couldn't take her death again. Oh, she would still live, but what made her Aeryn, what he had seen her grow into was slowly slipping away. John couldn't allow himself to be the reason for her losing that, he wouldn't.

Resolve to end this forced him from his seat and in search of Aeryn. He found her in maintenance bay tinkering with something. She had been doing that a lot lately, he was sure it was a way to keep her self busy.

She didn't hear him enter the area, so he took a moment to stare at her. She was the most beautiful woman he had ever known. Not just the physical beauty she possessed, but what was inside. A warrior with a heart much bigger then she realized. He could watch her for hours, and never get bored. She had this mesmerizing quality that could cause a man to drop to his knees and pledge undying love for her.

"Aeryn," John finally said. The name on his lips felt good, but it also put another crack in his heart. After this he may never say the name again.

"John," Aeryn answered looking up at him. "Are you alright?" John hadn't approached her for a conversation since they left the command carrier. It both worried and elated her.

'I have to talk to you," John said moving toward her. "I have to tell you something."

"I am glad you came," Aeryn said. She moved to his side and reached her hand out to touch him but stopped herself. She could tell he wasn't ready for that and pulled her hand back. "I have something to tell you too."

"Can I go first," John asked. Aeryn shook her head yes.

"I have to go."

John's words sent a rumbling through Aeryn's body. Did he say what she thought he said?

"Wh .. What," Aeryn asked.

"I am leaving Moya," John said rubbing his hand behind his neck. "I have to go away for a while. My presence is tearing you apart as much as your presence is ripping me to shreads."

Aeryn's protective instincts kicked in. She couldn't allow John to roam the universe un-guarded. He was being hunted by Peacekeepers and now Scarrens, and he was a frail human after all, not matter how adept he had become. She wouldn't let him. She would go.

"No, John, I will go." It was only fair. While she was off on Talyn this had been his home with HER. She was the outsider.

"I can't and won't let you do that Aeryn," John said scowling. "Please, let me do this for you."

"What are you doing, John" Aeryn replied angrily. "Leaving. Leaving all of us."

"Damn it, Aeryn I am doing it for your own good. I can't stay here. Her ghost haunts me, and your presence mocks what we had."

John's words were like a dagger in her heart. She could feel the blade plunge into her skin and rest in the organ that gave her life, just as surely as his words had taken it away. He really didn't love her. Could never love her. He had love only for HER. That emotion must have dried up within him, leaving a barren place where his heart used to be.

"Then I guess you should leave then." The cold, hard soldier she had been breed to be took over. It was her only line of defense. She was so raw inside that every word he said was like re-opening a fresh wound, and she had to find a way to stop the bleeding.

"I just need to get a way for a while," John tried to tell her. "Clear my head. Figure some things out, and I can't do it here."

"I understand."

John watched her expression. The chilly exterior Aeryn projected cut him to the bone. So, she still held her emotions close. She hadn't learned to open herself up. How could he open himself to this Aeryn, when she still held to the Peacekeeper's doctrine of not showing emotions? It was the right decision to leave, to give themselves some time and space, and not the kind of space outside.

Emotions she had fought all he life to hold in check were raging inside Aeryn as John spoke. She loved this man beyond hope, and he was leaving her. She had tried to show him how much she loved him. How much she needed him. Aeryn thought back to the day she left with Crais on Talyn. At the time she felt it was her duty to help to protect Talyn, because she loved the ship and she owed so much to his mother Moya. Yet her responsibility, her feelings of duty had cost her a chance with John. Happiness, love, companionship were fading before her eyes, and not even the tightest grip could keep it at her side.

"Where will you go," Aeryn asked.

"There is an area of space I have heard about that has a nexus of wormholes," John said as he paced the room. "I am going to check it out for a while in my module."

He was still searching for a way home. She could see it in his eyes, and this time when he found he she knew he wouldn't come back and ask her to come with him. He would fly down that wormhole and out of her life for good.

"Are you, will you ." Aeryn couldn't force herself to ask the question.

"I will come back, Aeryn," John answered her. "I don't know when. But I promise I will come back."

Aeryn let her emotions bubble over. She rushed to him and placed her hand on his cheek. "Don't go," she pleaded.

John snatched her hand from his cheek and kissed the inside of her palm. It was the first contact he had with her in more solar days then he cared to count. She felt good. So warm and soft, but he shut that feeling out.

"I have to," John said. "Please don't make this harder on me then it already is." John leaned into her and kissed her on the lips. It was so soft that Aeryn would later believe the kiss was dream if not for the taste of him on her lips.

With all the strength he could muster, John turned his back on Aeryn and left the maintenance bay. When his silhouette faded from sight, Aeryn collapsed to the floor and cried. She rocked back and forth and cursed the day she had ever met John Crichton.

Not long after John had left her side she heard Pilot give John the okay to leave Moya. He must have said his goodbyes to the others, packed his stuff quickly in a hurry to get away.

The tears came again, and she cried so hard her whole body began to ache. It was then she thought of the children she carried within her. Her sons, Crichton's sons, their sons and she cried again. Aeryn placed her palm on her abdomen and stroked where the babies rested, nestled safely within her.

"Aeryn," Chiana's voice forced Aeryn to look up. The young Nebari wore a shocked expression when she saw the tears strolling down Aeryn's cheek. "Hey, you okay?"

Aeryn couldn't speak, and just shook her head no. Unable to look at Chiana, Aeryn placed her head in her hands and collapsed to the floor wrapping her self into a ball.

Chiana rushed to Aeryn and knelt beside her. In small soothing circles, Chiana rubbed Aeryn's back in a calming manner.

"Hey, it's going to be alright," Chiana told her. "Crichton will be back. He loves you, and he will be back."

Aeryn looked at Chiana with quiet resolve. "He doesn't love me, he loved HER."

"That's just stupid. You are the same person. You're Aeryn Sun."

"Not in his mind. It ate John up so bad he had to leave to get away from it."

"Like I said, he will be back."

"He may never return, and I don't know what to do?"

"That doesn't sound like you, Aeryn," Chiana said as she rubbed Aeryn's shoulder. "Where is that take-charge soldier?"

"She has been replaced by a worried mother-to-be."

"You're going to have a baby,"Chiana asked after a few microts of silence. "Truly?"

"Yes."

"And that frelling Crichton just abandoned you," Chiana asked jumping up to her feet. "That doesn't sound like him."

"I . I didn't tell him," Aeryn told her. "I couldn't tell him. I didn't want him stay because of the babies."

"Babies?"

"Yes, I am having twins."

"Wow, that is really drad."

"And frightening."

"Don't worry about anything," Chiana said in a resolute voice. "Me, D'Argo and Rygel will be here for you. We love you Aeryn, and we will help you through this."

Chiana's admission that they cared about her took Aeryn by surprise. She thought it was the other Aeryn they loved, but maybe it was Aeryn Sun. No matter which one it was, they loved AERYN SUN. It was a daunting resolution, and gave her the courage to face what was ahead of her. She had resigned herself to raising her sons alone, and would tell them of their father. A man she had loved with all her heart, who had taught her the meaning of the words love and compassion. Words she would pass onto them, and raise to be strong men, just like her beloved John Crichton.

After Chiana left, Aeryn made her way to command. It was empty and she welcomed the solitude. She walked to the view screen and stared out into the darkness. Somewhere out there was John Crichton flying in his battered module. She reached her hand out to him and closed her fist.

"I love you, John Crichton.," Aeryn said into the darkness. "Come back to us when you are ready. When you are healed. Your sons need a father, and I need the man I love."