Chapter Seventeen: Wisdom

Harry asks her to tell him about her life 'before', but 'before' to her means before slayer, before apocalypses, before death, 'before' to Harry is before Hogwarts; but she tries to appease him anyway.

"I lived in Sunnydale, and went to school like a normal girl. I got accepted to college, but had to drop out because my mom died and I had to watch over my sister. Then life went on, bad things happened, and I'm here." Buffy didn't mean to sound so flippant, but nonchalance is difficult when you reduce the death of loved ones to 'bad things happened'.

Harry can tell that there's more, much more, but this is the first time she's really spoken to him and he's hesitant to ruin it.

"You had a sister?" he settles on, hoping she'll elaborate.

She nods. "Dawn. She was your age more or less. Rebellious like I would have been if given the chance."

The use of the word 'was' hit Harry quickly, but he tired his best not to react. He knew the stares he got when people mentioned Sirius, and he hates those most of all. Her tone was fond, loving, and he was sure that Buffy did indeed miss her sister dearly. He remembers everything that she said yesterday, even if most of it is difficult to understand. The boy is unsure how to bring it up again without causing tears.

"What is it?" Buffy asks, nudging him with her arm.

"What do you mean?" is his evading reply.    

"You have 'it' face. What is it? What do you want to know? Come on Harry, this is the one time you get to ask anything you want, because no one is around to hear and I can explain. I want to tell you, because we're alike, but I need you to ask. If I start on my own you'll never catch up and I'll bore you with details. Ask."

"You said that you've killed…"

"Yes, everyday since my sophomore year. Vampires, incubi, succubi, zombies, and demons. Throw in battling evil werewolves and nightmare creatures and you can see I had a bit of a schedule."  

"So you've done this since high school. Haven't you ever tried to get away? I've wanted to my whole life."

"I didn't take it so well at first…" she admits.

I didn't say that I'd never slay another vampire. It's not like I have all these fluffy bunny feelings for them, I'm just not gonna get way extracurricular with it.

"You learn to live with it though, and cynical or not, I just keep on going and going. I'm like the energizer bunny," she quips.

Strong is fighting. It's hard and it's painful and it's everyday. It's what we have to do and we can do it together, but if you're too much of a coward for that, then burn.

But who am I kidding? Dates are things normal girls have, girls who have time to think about nail polish and facials. You know what I think about? -ambush tactics… beheading. Not exactly the stuff dreams are made of.

"Doesn't the fighting ever get to you? Don't you want to forget about reality and live in denial?" Harry sputters, amazed and confused by how calm she seemed.

"You mean life?"        "Yeah, does it get easy?"        "What do you want me to say?"         "Lie to me."

I just don't want to deal with this right now. I'm taking a holiday from dealing, happily vacationing in the land of not coping.

"Sometimes…" she confesses, but says no more.

From where he's sitting, Harry can just make out her profile in the glare of sunlight. The shine of her blond tresses is hard to miss, naturally, but the sun makes it look like gold surrounds her, almost heavenly. Heaven, she'd murmured that yesterday…

"Buffy, yesterday you said that you'd been to… to…"

"Heaven?" she supplies.

"Yeah that, and to… to…"

"Hell?"

"Right, so…"

"You can say the words Harry, I know I've said them enough – sang them even," she pauses, wondering if that memory was still supposed to burn the way it had before, because it was almost humorous now and she hopes that's okay.

"But Buffy, how are you…" the wizard interjects, flustered beyond all hope. "How are you… here?" he finishes lamely.

The slayer's eyes glaze over like they had the night before and her voice is distant when she answers. "The first time I drowned. I was fighting The Master, kind of my first Big, Big Bad on my own, and I was in Hell. My friend Xander saved me, CPR and all. Sometimes I wonder what would have happened had he and Angel not found me." She pauses again, telling herself not to go down that path. She decided yesterday that she'd done enough brooding, enough for a non-240-year-old vampire anyway, and that she should try and live again. If she could live after her mom, and Heaven, then she could live again now too. "The second time was later, after my mom had died, and I was fighting a Hell Goddess named Glory. They were going to kill Dawn, for her blood, to open a portal. Long story-short, her blood is mine, and so to save her I jumped into the portal. I'm not quite sure if I died from the energy of the portal or the fall to the cement, but I did so, I guess it doesn't matter. I was in Heaven, warm and at peace, but my friends didn't know. They thought I was in Hell again, and so they brought me back with magic. I woke up in my coffin in the cold, dark, ground and had to dig my way out." Shutting her eyes at the memories, to somehow push back the pain, took a moment; and when she opens her eyes again Harry is staring shell-shocked at her.  

Harry doesn't know what to think. She'd killed herself, knowingly jumped, to save her sister. She'd died twice! Then to be pulled from Heaven, to wake in a coffin, he couldn't see how she could stand this.

"It's really all right Harry. I've come to terms with my life. This is why I'm here now. You're why I'm here now. I'm going to make sure that you don't suffer more than a fraction of what I did. I won't lie Harry, thing's will only get worse as time goes by, even if Voldemort dies, there will be someone else. The only thing that makes it worth anything is friends. Ron and Hermione will be enough I know. I know because Xander and Willow always were."

Harry looks at the smile that forms simply from mentioning those names, her friends, and can see that she's telling the truth. Ron and Hermione will be his salvation, just like Xander and Willow must have been hers. He can only hope that her name might be added to his list. He continues to watch the glow that she radiates at just thinking of them and he wants to share in that joy.

"Tell me about them," he nearly pleads, and if it's possible, he thinks that the smile grew.

"Well Willow she was bookish like Hermione, but not as confident in the beginning. She down right babbled. She was a witch, oh how she would have loved it here! Xander was our normie, the only one without some hidden power in the Scooby gang, but that's what made him special. He has the most horrible choice in girls though – Cordelia, and ex-vengeance demon, mummy girls. Oh, you've never heard about the She-Mantis have you? Well that's just something that you have to know. It started out like this…"

Harry smirks from his seat and settles deeper into the cushions. He has a feeling she's going to talk all day, but he doesn't mind. He kind of hopes she will.