Heart-shaped Tears

By: Firefly Angel

January 22, 2004

Prologue: Second To One Long Gone

-( Kagome )-

Good bye.

I remember saying those words to you, right before I walked through and out the door and more importantly, out of your life. That was months ago, but I can still remember it as if it were yesterday, five hours ago, or even five minutes ago.

The look in your eyes bore into me, and haunts me still even now. They rested on me and captured my own eyes after those words made they're way to your ears. I spoke those words softly, barely under my breath but I knew you heard them; the twitching of your ears towards me and the sharp but almost unperceivable move your body made as you gasped in air made it clear to me. I never took my eyes off you, even as my resolve wavered and I struggled not to give in to the need to run away before my tears fell.

Before the words of farewell were spoken, your eyes were calm and held a far away look in them, almost as if you weren't there in front of me, listening to my words. But I knew you were, if not from the way your clenched fists shook but from the way you stood rooted to the ground. You looked like a marvelous statue and there in your eyes was the epitome of confusion. Yes, before those words were spoken, your eyes were like the calm before a storm. But then you heard me say good bye and all of hell broke loose.

Lightning flashed across your eyes and the calmness in them were chased away by an anger strong enough to have stroked down the strongest of creatures, human and youkai alike. Your teeth ground together as you clenched your jaw and your knuckles bled white as your hands tightened the fists they had made.

I was ready to leave then, willing my shaking legs to take me far from the anger that I had caused, until your aura pulsed and my feet would no longer obey the command my brain had given it. I had broken eye contact as I readied to leave you, but that pulse had my blue orbs flying back to meet yours. That was the moment I saw something in your eyes that I had hoped would never be there because of me.

Pain.

That single emotion in your amber gems broke the dam that held my tears carefully in check and they flowed freely down my cheeks. Shaken, hurt, and ashamed, I used all the energy I had left within me to calmly turn around and walk out the door, slowly and deliberately. It wasn't until I cleared the threshold that I ran.

After two years of devoting myself to you and only you, I ran away from you, even as my entire being demanded that I return to you and mend the damage I had done. I threw those thoughts that threatened to break my resolve into the darkest corners of my mind, losing them there.

In turn, I lost myself.

-( Inuyasha ) -

You said you had wanted to talk to me about something and asked the others to leave, and reluctantly, they did. Even the kitsune left without protest and that earned a raised eyebrow from me. But then, I was happy that you had taken the initiative and thought nothing of it, brushing it off as unimportant. I thought you were finally going to tell me what the hell it was that had been bothering you for the past few weeks.

You might not have known, but I did notice the change that was in you. It was after my meeting with her that you had become withdrawn, and I was too busy with my guilt that I ignored it. I knew that that was a wrong move on my part, and now I know that it's too late. It wasn't until a week later that I finally addressed the issue, but somehow, with your bright eyes and cheerful smile, you convinced me that I was being stupid and that nothing was wrong.

I should have known better and I've kicked myself over and over again since the day you left me for believing you. Gods, I was so foolish. But then again, I never could stand against that smile of yours, and you had somehow made your smile seem real, or was it just that I wanted it to be real that made me think that it was?

I stood with my arms crossed and forced my face to take on an expression of indifference. After all this time, I was still too stubborn and cowardly to admit how I felt for you. My heart screamed at how big of a mistake I was making in keeping my feelings silent but my mind had no desire to allow me into unsure territory, so it quickly put a stop to my heart's rants and raves.

"Well? What is it?" I asked you, my voice distant but held a hint of concern. I waited for her to speak and was surprised at the words she spoke next.

"My powers have grown, Inuyasha." Your voice was quiet, subdued, and I should have examined the tone more carefully instead of just brushing it aside. I could almost kill myself for all the mistakes I made that day and the ones preceding it.

I let out a rude sound and glared at her. "You wanted to talk to me to say that?! Of all the stupid… And here I fucking thought you were going to tell me what the hell's been bothering you all these weeks!"

I should have started taking things seriously when you continued to speak in that damned tone as if you hadn't heard my outburst. Taking into account how loud it was, I doubted you missed it.

"After training and increasing my power, I've been able to hold my own in the fights, Inuyasha. I'm able to take care of myself and I can't remember the last time I walked away from a battle with even a scratch on me. I can protect myself now."

A low rumble in my chest had started to let out a pleased growl, but I squashed it quickly. To be truthful, I had noticed and I was very proud of her.

"So what do you want, a fucking medal or somethi--"

"I can't do this anymore Inuyasha."

The subdued tone gave way to sorrow and I closed my hands into fists in reflex, confusion rearing it's head. "What are you talking about, wench?" My heart lurched in anticipation at what you would say, but I ignored it, focusing only on you and the way your face seemed so pale. My heart screamed to acknowledge the dark circles under your eyes and the way your lids seemed puffy from crying, and stupid me, I had ignored it all.

"I would stay with you, I remember saying this to you long ago. At that time, I thought that I could handle it, that because I was with you, that would be enough to make me happy and keep me content."

"Handle what? What was there to handle?" My heart beats quickened and I wondered why.

"For a while, it was enough, you know? I was happy, just being by your side, making sure that you remained happy, even at the cost of my own. I was content with that if I could be by your side and give you what I could.

But I have nothing left to give, Inuyasha. I feel so empty inside, so hollow… an empty shell. It hurts to be that way."

"What the fuck are you talking about?! Make some sense, will you?" I was afraid then, your words barely registering in my muddled brain.

"I stayed as long as I could, Inuyasha, as long as I could handle the pain of being a second to one long gone."

'Second to one long gone? What the hell was she-- oh…' It had finally clicked into place; your words made sense.

"I'll continue to gather the shards. After all, it is my fault, therefore my responsibility. But… I can't do it with you anymore, Inuyasha. The pain increases everyday, knowing that I can never ever be with you. It's a stab in the heart every time the thought that whenever you see me, it might not be me you see but her, crosses my mind. It gets so hard to breathe being so close to you, knowing I can't ever touch your or hold you the way I want to… the way I've wanted to for so long. I can't bear the pain anymore. So… I came to say…"

'What was she saying?'

"Good bye."

Realization dawned and my eyes widened in surprise. The clouds of confusion that was swirling around my head cleared as the anger violently pushed it aside. I suddenly felt hot as my blood began to boil and churn. Without realizing it, my fists tightened, my claws digging into my palms. The sharp nails broke skin and I could smell the scent of blood. I tried to release the tension in my jaw for they had clenched unbelievably tight but found that I couldn't.

'I hurt her. She's been hurting for so long… and I never fucking even realized what I've been doing to her all this time… and now…'

I heard the movement in your muscles as you turned to walk away from me, and that was when my mind finally registered what it refused to moments earlier.

'… and now she's leaving me…'

Pain had instantly flooded me then, my heart tightening in my chest as the thought that I would never see your beautiful face ever again came unbidden into my mind. The thought of never being able to lose myself in your eyes as I stared at their depth and never breathing in your wondrous scent and allow it to lull me to sleep nearly broke me.

I looked up at you and only a moment afterward, your eyes returned to meet mine. I didn't know then that the pain I felt made themselves evident in my eyes. So focused was I on my own pain that I didn't understand why you started to cry. You were the one leaving me, so why were you crying? I didn't understand any of it.

I wanted so badly to run to you, wrap you in my arms, and forbid you from ever leaving me, much less think about it. I wanted- no, needed, to make you understand just how much you meant to me, be it with my inadequate words or with a single kiss. There were so many things I wanted to do just to keep you by my side, but then you turned away from me and began to walk away. Before I knew it, you had walked through and out the door.

And out of my life.

I suddenly felt like a small, helpless pup again, and I didn't know what to do. My mind refused to complete a single coherent thought, my heart lay broken, bleeding on the ground, and all I could do was stare after you. I had never once felt as lost as I did at the moment.

And this time, you wouldn't be there to show me the way out of the darkness.

-=-=-

Disclaimer:

I'll post this only once. I don't own any of the characters from Inuyasha, just borrowing them for torture purposes. ^_^;;

Author's Notes:

Well, this is my first Inuyasha fan fic, so I'm wondering how I did. This isn't the end, I have so much more planned for my fav Inu-couple. Lots of angst on the way, but this is an Inuyasha x Kagome fic, so you can probably expect a happy ending… probably. ^_^;;

Well, now that the story's done, please review. I'd LOVE to know if you guys like or hate my fic. Comments and questions are welcome, as well as constructive criticisms. However, I won't stand for flames. So, go review! ^_^ If you do, I'll be more inclined to update. Hehe… bai bai!

(Oh, on a side note, what do you guys think of how the P.O.V. is written? I've never really read a fan fic written in this manner, and I've always wanted to try it out, so why not do so for my first Inu-fic?)