Heart-shaped Tears
By: Firefly Angel
February 4, 2004
Chapter One: You, Whom I Lost
( Kagome )
Since I left your side, there never was a time when my mind didn't entertain the notion of me returning to you. The images and scenarios taunted me with what could or would happen, and sometimes, at my weakest moments, I sought you and the others out and it hurt me each and every single time. I thought it would get easier with each visit, but I was wrong; it only got harder. My mind always screamed at my heart, telling it to cease this unnecessary torture, but I couldn't help myself. Even if it was pure torture I couldn't stop, until one day I saw you… with her.
Three months had passed since I left you. I was passing through a village, a rumor about the Shikon no Tama having brought me here, and I spent the day gathering information. The villagers all claimed that the attacks happened at night, so a few hours after sunset, I set out to retrieve another shard. My collection had grown since I left you, and I had a distinct feeling that there wouldn't be that many left to hunt for. I had been wandering a good fifteen minutes when I felt your presence and heard your familiar attack.
"Kaze no kizu!!!"
Hiding in the safety of the trees, I concealed my aura more securely and watched as you and our friends battled the youkai that harbored the shard. Allowing my eyes to roam over the youkai, I immediately discovered the location of the jewel piece; it was embedded into it's neck. I had to suddenly stop myself from yelling out to you to tell you it's location, and I smiled in spite of myself.
'Old habits die hard.'
I continued to watch you silently while battling the urge to run to you and fight by your side. Each time you made a successful blow to the youkai, my heart soared with joy and relief, and each time you were hurt, my heart clenched in pain as if feeling the hurt myself.
I reached out to feel the youkai's aura, and found that this battle had taken it's toll on it.
'It won't last much longer.'
Just then, an arrow with purifying energy infused into it flew through the air and struck the youkai's neck, decapitating the monster and dislodging the shard from the youkai all at once. I knew who's arrow this was, even before I looked to my left and confirmed it.
'Kikyo…'
A loud thump resounded throughout the clearing as the youkai's body fell to the ground, but I doubted anyone heard or noticed it. I doubted you noticed it.
She was standing there, at the edge of the clearing, a triumphant look dancing on her face, and her eyes locked onto yours. I felt a stab in my heart, as if that arrow had not pierced the youkai, but instead had pierced my heart. My body felt numb as I looked at you, then her, and finally back at you.
'Has she been here all along… with you?'
Tears flooded my eyes but I was too numb to notice or even care. I didn't take note of how my vision blurred or the feather light kisses of tears as they rolled down my face. All I could think of was that you were here, with her… together.
Not able to take in the sight any longer, I quickly ran from the scene. I didn't bother to be discreet or quiet about it, for I doubted you would notice, too engrossed with Kikyo's presence to notice.
That day, I finally acknowledge the truth to something that I had known since I learned of Kikyo's presence.
In your heart, there would only be room for one.
And it wasn't me.
( Inuyasha )
The sun had fallen three hours ago and we were traveling through the forest to get to the next village, me in the lead and our friends following only a few steps behind. The silence was deafening, and the heaviness of the dark clouds pressed down upon our shoulders. That's how it's been since you left us, and for me, that's how it'll be until you come back.
After the initial shock of finding out that you were gone, our friends hounded me with questions: questions I had no answer for, and if I did, had no desire to answer. At first Shippou blamed me for it. Miroku and Sango were quiet and kept their opinions to themselves, though somehow, I knew Sango wanted to blame me as well. I wouldn't be too surprised if she did; she is your best friend after all. I was thankful for Miroku's and Sango's tactfulness and forgave Shippou for his accusations. As the days passed, Shippo learned to forgive me, but I wasn't able to forgive myself.
I couldn't sleep the first few days. The absence of your scent and presence haunted me, snatching sleep from my grasp. I thought about you every night and I still do. Everything seemed to remind me of you, remind me of what I had let slip through my fingers. The brightness of the sun reminded me of your smiles and how your eyes would light up with joy at the smallest things. The soothing wind reminded me of your caring personality and the light of the moon was a constant reminder of how you guided me through my dark times and never let me down.
Slumber was finally attainable after a week of sleepless nights; I guess my body just couldn't take it anymore. However, if I thought I would receive solace in my sleep, I was gravely mistaken. Nightmares haunted me in sleep as dismal thoughts haunted me in my waking moments.
One night, I dreamt of you, lying in a pool of your own blood. In my dream, Naraku had found you and fought you for the shards in your possession. I stood, fixed solidly to the ground, and I could only watch as you fought bravely but in vain. You fell as Naraku stabbed you through the heart and pulled the organ from your body, still warm and beating, and as you lay broken on the ground, I heard you whisper words to me with your last breath.
Inuyasha… help me…
I remember that I awoke from that dream screaming at the top of my lungs. Shippou told me that next day that I was crying as well, but I guess I was too shaken that night to notice. Since that night, I only slept when absolutely needed, afraid of a repeat of the same dream. The image itself, of you lying dead on the ground, instilled fear in me, but the thought of you fighting for your life and me helpless and not able to protect you horrified me.
Since that day, my hunt for the Shikon shards stopped. I no longer cared about gathering them, only about finding you so that you would be back where you belonged: with me, safe under my protection. So there we were, heading for another village in hopes of finding more jewel pieces, for I knew where they could be found, so could you.
We were nearing the edge of the forest, that much I knew for I could smell the faint smells of the village. I glanced behind me and noticed that our friends were ready to drift off to sleep, and I hoped that we would reach the village soon, at least for their sake. Although they'd gotten more sleep than I have, it still wasn't much, and I knew sooner or later their bodies would suffer for it.
Suddenly, from beyond the trees, a howl could be heard and a youkai came stampeding towards us. It took me unaware and that alone was surprising enough to cause me to become cautious.
'Why didn't I sense it? At least smell it?'
I drew my sword, taking up the battle only half-heartedly. It seemed that since you left, I've never really had motivation to do anything anymore. When you left, you took my heart with you, so how could I feel for anything that I do now?
Sango and Miroku joined the fight, but I paid no attention to them, only being cautious enough not to catch them in any of my attacks. Something seemed wrong with this youkai. It was a woodland bear youkai, ten feet in height but that was normal. They usually were gentle creatures, not wanting to harm anyone or anything and content to just keep to themselves. Wanting to end this quickly, I let loose one of Tetsusaiga's attacks.
"Kaze no kizu!!"
I stared at the creature wide-eyed as it shielded itself from my attack with its bare arm. Seeing the arm uninjured after the energy of the attack died down shocked me even more.
"Inuyasha!"
I turned to look at Miroku, and knew before the words came from his mouth what he was going to say: this youkai had a Shikon piece embedded in it's body.
"Damn it, how the hell are we supposed to find out where it is?"
Now was one of the many moments that I wished you were here with us. Not exactly for your ability to sense the shard, but because your mere presence gave me strength to fight. You by my side gave me the will to fight for your safety as well as our friends. It wasn't just for my own survival, not anymore. Since you happened in my life, I've been more selfless than I remembered myself ever being.
While I was lost in my thoughts those few moments, a sharp whistling noise flew past me and I looked up just in time to see a purifying arrow strike the youkai through the neck, decapitating the creature.
'Kagome!!'
I turned to where the arrow came from, fully expecting to see you there, my heart swelling with hope, but it quickly deflated when I saw Kikyo standing there in your stead. She stood there, triumph clearly evident on her face, but she only had eyes for me, not the youkai that she triumphed over.
There was once a time when seeing her beautiful face was the only thing I wished for in this world. I would have once paid anything for her eyes to see me, and only me. If I was the only one to ever hold her close, I would've done anything for her, and if she would only love me, I would lay down my life for her. I loved her once… so how is it that when I look at her, all I see is a shadow of you?
"Inuyasha."
Not realizing how long I've been staring at the woman in front of me, I broke eye contact and turned behind me to our friends. Miroku's face and eyes were guarded, hiding any emotion or thought he might have, but Sango's was the complete opposite. She didn't look at me, but beyond me, at the woman that she considered at fault for your absence. Anger danced like flames in her eyes, and her jaw was clenched as tightly as the fists she held at her side.
I heard movement behind me, and turned to watch Kikyo move to where the youkai's corpse lay and watched still as she kneeled and picked something off the ground. The object glinted and sparkled in her hands as she purified it and I realized it was a Shikon no Kakera.
"Where is she, Inuyasha?"
I knew she spoke of you without even having to ask. Of course she spoke of you. Only at those times would her voice be harder than steel and colder than ice.
"Has she betrayed you, Inuyasha? Has she betrayed you and left you?"
At her words, a sharp pain in my heart made me wince visibly. I've slowly accepted that you were gone, but my heart still refused to believe that you wouldn't return to me. There was and always will be that shining hope within me that you will some day come back.
"What do you want, Kikyo?"
"Why did she leave you, Inuyasha?"
I couldn't answer her. My throat had tightened, and it was a struggle for me to keep back the tears.
"Or was it you that forced her to depart?"
"No! I would never!"
"Then where is she?"
I turned my back on her and clenched my fists to keep myself from lashing out. What did she want from me? To admit that yes, it was my stupidity that drove her away? The Gods only know how much I punish myself for it.
"We're leaving."
My words were a soft whisper and tight with constraint as I spoke to our friends. I couldn't stand here any longer when all Kikyo reminded me of was you.
"Take me with you. You cannot find the jewel pieces without my sight now that she is not here."
"We don't need your help."
Once upon a time, I would have gladly accepted her offer. I would've once done anything to keep her close to me. But now, her presence only brought about pain; pain of seeing you looking out through her eyes and pain of seeing your face in hers.
How could I be with her when all my thoughts revolved around you? You, whom I lost. I couldn't possibly, so all I could do was walk away.
So walk away, I did.
( Kagome )
I dreamt of you again. Funny how even though I forbid myself to think of you, my heart and my subconscious mind wouldn't obey. In my dream, you were with Kikyo, she who I am but a shadow of.
In my dream, you were happy with her, happier than you ever were with me.
In this dream, I watched the two of you from the shadows, silently wishing it was me instead of her that you held in your arms. Your eyes would light up when you would look at her, and hers would do the same. You would hold her tenderly, as you never did me, and brush her hair from her eyes with gentleness. She, in return, would smile a brilliantly warm smile and gently kiss your lips. You would kiss her back.
With each gentle exchange of affection, pieces of my already brittle heart would break. It broke and crumbled until there was nothing left as I silently watched each loving touch and the kisses you both shared. In my dream, sitting in the shadows, silent tears cascaded down my cheeks, but when I woke, those tears would still be there as well as the heartbreak and pain.
Each time I woke, I would just lay there, holding myself tight, wishing for the coldness to go away and that you were here to vanquish them with your touch. I would lay there in the dark with my tears, until sleep would take me again.
I knew I would dream of you again. I don't think I can ever stop, no matter how much it hurts. No matter how much I try, I will always dream of you…
But you will never dream of me.
To be continued…
