Looking Back in the Mirror Pt. 4

Author: blueaeryn Rating: R Summary: Sequel to Looking in the Mirror

Notes: Spoilers through Season Four Disclaimer: Not mine.

Aeryn sat in her quarters watching Trevon play with a small blue ball on the floor. He was lying on his stomach pushing the ball back and forth between his chubby fingers, every once and a while he would stop to lift the ball and put it in his mouth.

She moved to the floor and plucked Trevon up and into her arms. She held him close to her chest and rubbed his back with her left hand. He felt so good, so right in her arms. A soft baby smell wafted through her nostrils and it was pure Trevon.

It amazed her how scared she was of him at first. This tiny life was totally dependent on her and the realization was frightening, but she overcame it. She tackled the task of being a mother to Trevon just like she did everything else and it was highly rewarding.

Could she do it, she asked herself as she rocked Trevon. Could she go through with this? Before Trevon was born she and John would go off on fool- hearty missions without a backward glance. Of course, they had no one who depended on them so wholly as Trevon did. Sure they felt a responsibility for the rest on Moya, but not like this. Now there was Trevon. Who would look after him if she didn't come back? John loved Trevon to distraction and he would never let anything happen to his son, but could she do this? If she didn't come back it would not only devastate John it would leave her son without a mother. And she didn't know if she could do that to him.

"Hey," Aeryn heard Chiana say as she entered Aeryn and John's quarters. "Ya' rocking the little nixer?"

"It is almost time for his nap, so I thought I would rock him to sleep," Aeryn told her as she kissed Trevon's dark downy head. "He likes it when I rock him."

Chiana moved further into the room and stood beside Aeryn. She rubbed Trevon's cheek as the boy closed his eyes one more time to succumb to sleep. "He likes everything you do. You're his mom."

Aeryn smiled slightly and walked lightly to Trevon's crib and laid him down on his stomach inside it. She picked up a small blue blanket and wrapped it around Trevon and turned back toward Chiana.

"So, you're gonna do this," Chiana asked as she swung her hands back and forth. "Are you sure?"

"I'm not sure about anything anymore, Chiana," Aeryn admitted. She rubbed her hands through her dark hair and took a deep breath. "I just know all this has to stop, and I think I can do it."

"What about Crichton and Trevon?" Chiana darted around the room and moved to peek in Trevon's crib. "If you don't come back it'll kill Crichton. I don't think he can take it again."

"What do you mean?"

Uh-oh, Chiana thought. Her big mouth had done it again. So, John hadn't told Aeryn about his obsessive and crazy behavior when she left with the other John on Talyn. He had really scared Chiana after Aeryn left, and she didn't know if he would make it until she returned.

Chiana had never seen a man so wrapped up in a woman. She had seen it countless times with women, but rarely in a man. For Crichton, Aeryn was like the air he breathed, and without her he was a shell, and he focused that uncontrollable energy on wormholes. He had driven her, D'Argo and Jool insane looking for wormholes, never sleeping and talking constantly. It was his way of forgetting Aeryn wasn't there, and some days it worked.

It was probably even worse when he had been stuck on that dying leviathon. Cricthon loved to talk and Chiana could only imagine how he spent his time with just his company.

"I didn't mean anything," Chiana said. "It's just that Cricthon doesn't seem to be a whole person when you aren't here."

"I feel the same," Aeryn admitted.

"He nearly lost it when you were kidnapped by the Scarrens," Chiana continued. "Pilot picked up the signal to this show he found on long range scans from Earth, and it talked about our visit to Earth. Crichton played it over and over again. Wouldn't sleep, wouldn't eat. I was so worried about him."

"Cricthon can be a bit obsessive," Aeryn said as she placed a friendly hand on Chiana's shoulder.

"He is obsessive alright, about you," Chiana said as she patted Aeryn's hand. "Just come back."

Chiana smiled at Aeryn and leaned over to kiss her cheek. "I don't want have to take over Godmother duties to him," she said tossing her head toward Trevon. "Kid would be totally messed up."

"No, he would be just fine," Aeryn called out as Chiana left the room.

Aeryn turned back to Trevon. She rubbed his tiny arm with her finger and moved to the side of the bed. Underneath she pulled out a black duffle bag and opened it up.

"Hey," John said as Aeryn was straightening out the flaps of the bag.

"Hey," Aeryn said not looking up at him. Aeryn had forgiven him for the baby. She truly had, but a part of her held the tiniest amount of hate and disgust for him. Oh, it was so small that her love overtook it, but it was still there. For somewhere in the universe a child had been born and died. A child like Trevon, who probably bore similar features to her precious son, his brother or sister and her son or daughter and if blessed death hadn't taken the child then it would have been in the hands of Scorpius.

"So you're going to do this," John said leaning against the doorframe. "You're going to the command carrier?"

"Yes," Aeryn said still willing herself to look down. "I have to." She finally looked up into John's face and she suddenly realized he looked older. Lines that didn't seem to be there a few solar days ago bore into his face, and his eyes that once held such light and wonder had taken on a cold and dark tone.

It frightened her to see him like this. It was like looking into a mirror and seeing herself six cycles ago. When had their roles reversed? She wasn't sure she liked this turn of events and it propelled her resolve to carry this plan through.

"I am sorry for all of this," John told her as he came into the room. He stood on the other side of the bed and stared at her. The bed seemed to represent the barrier between the two of them, and John wished he could just wave his hand and make it all go away, but life wasn't like that. You had to live with the consequences to your actions and no amount of wishing or praying could change it.

"I understand why you felt you had to do what you did," Aeryn began as she moved to his side. "I really do, and I forgive you. It's just going to take some time to get over this."

John shook his head and Aeryn saw a tear slip down his cheek. His pain was great and she could almost feel it, and she brushed her hand through his hair.

"We may not have enough time," John admitted.

"No matter what, know this," Aeryn said as she grabbed his shoulders and shook him. "I love you John Cricthon and I forgive you. And I will come back. I just have to do this. I have to stop all of this, because if we don't then we will never have a future together. We have to provide a safe life for Trevon. He is what is important now. This is for you and for Trevon, because I love you both more than life itself, and because of that love I will come back and we will have our happy ending."

"Then let me go," John said. "Let me deal with Scorpius, let me end this."

"No, I have to do this," Aeryn said stroking his cheek. "It is my turn."

"What make you different?"

"I'm different because I love you," Aeryn said. The moment she said the words she had a flash of another time and the same words. She had told him the same thing, that she would fly the module and he could seek treatment for the radiation. He had refused, and had stopped the Scarren threat and he had died. This time she had control and this time it would be different.

John pulled Aeryn into his embrace and held her close. He kissed her cheek and she lifted her head to rub her lips over his chin. He tightened his hold on Aeryn as if he was trying to pull her inside him, so that they could truly be one. He didn't want to let her go, but he never wanted to let her go. She was his life and without her his life meant nothing.

Aeryn stepped away from John. It would be so easy to just lose herself in him, but there were preparations to be made.

"I have to go see Ariss," Aeryn told him. "See what I can find out before I leave."

Aeryn walked away from John, but whipped back around at the entranceway to the door. "After all she has done, why didn't you kill her?"

"It was something Furlow had said about the Scarren's having a copy of my notebook. Only one person would have had access to it."

"Ariss," Aeryn said breathlessly.

"Believe me, I wanted to blow that bitch away for what she had done to us," John said in a venomous tone. "But I figured right now she was worth more alive then dead."

In a few arns she would climb into Ariss' prowler and set a course to the command carrier but first she had a few things to take care of. The first piece of business was to speak to Ariss.

Searching through Ariss' prowler Aeryn found the scanning device Ariss had used on Aeryn. The one she had used to steal Aeryn's memories, which enabled her to fool John.

Aeryn's plan was simple. She would do the same to Ariss and then she would go to the command carrier and discover what each side intended, than she would find a way to end it. She had to, for her life and everyone she loved depended on it.

Ariss was being held in one of Moya's old cells, that hadn't been used since she was under Peacekeeper control. Aeryn found Ariss sitting on the bench in the cell staring at a wall. In her pouch, Aeryn placed the scanning device. She planned to go in, subdue Ariss, get what she needed and leave.

"Well, hello Sister dear," Ariss said looking up. "Come to stare at your captive."

Aeryn waved her hand over the lock and the door slid open. Ariss stood up which prompted Aeryn to draw her pulse pistol.

"Planning to shoot me," Ariss asked as she opened her arms wide. "Well go ahead, it would end the boredom."

"No, I am not going to shot you," Aeryn told her. "But I am going to use you, the same way you used me."

Aeryn replaced her pulse pistol in its holster and pounced on Ariss shoving her against the wall. She snagged Ariss' left hand and twisted it behind her back. With her free hand, Aeryn took the scanning device from the pouch on her belt and placed it on Ariss' forehead.

Three microts later the device beeped and the red light in the center turned green. Aeryn released Ariss and backed away. Looking down at the device in her hand she fingered it and then put it back in her pouch.

"Thank you for that," Aeryn said. "It will come in handy."

Ariss began to laugh as Aeryn walked backwards out of the cell. "You are planning to go to the command carrier, aren't you?" She laughed harder, a cold and chilling sound that resonated pure evil.

"I wish you luck Aeryn, you will need it,' Ariss mocked. "Maybe if you don't come back I can take your place, I did it once before."

Aeryn was half way out the door, but with Ariss' last comment she turned back to her. With methodical steps she stalked to Ariss, and looked into her cool blue gray eyes, so like her own.

With lightning speed Aeryn pulled her pulse pistol and raised it above her head and struck Ariss with the butt of the gun across the left side of her face. Ariss had just enough time to flash a shocked expression before she crumpled to the floor unconscious.

"That is for John and my child," Aeryn muttered as she left the cell.

John gave Aeryn a wide berth for the rest of the day, but with only a few arns left before she was to leave he went in search of her. She was in their quarters, he should have known she wouldn't be far from Trevon. It was late, and she was dressed in her night clothes. She was zipping up her black duffle bag when he entered the room, as she pulled the zipper closed he saw her roll her shoulders.

Moving behind her he placed his hand on her shoulder and squeezed. "Is this where it hurts?"

The question sent Aeryn to Valdon when she had tried to raise the other Crichton. In her mind he had come to her and asked the same question. But this wasn't a memory or a dream, this was John, her John.

When she had used the device to assimilate Ariss' memories, Aeryn had expected to find all the details she needed to impersonate Ariss, but she had found more. She had seen what Ariss had done to John, had heard what Ariss had said to him.

Ariss had tortured John with visions of Aeryn loving the other him more then him. What he must think? What he must believe.

Aeryn turned to him and laid her head on his chest. She raised her hand and rubbed her palm over his chest. "I have Ariss' memories," she said into his chest in a muffled tone. "I know what she said to you, what she did."

"It isn't true, you know," Aeryn told John looking up to him. "I don't compare you to him. I meant what I said. There is no distinction. You are the father of my child and the only man I will ever love."

All the doubt, all the emotion that had built up in John exploded as she lowered his head and captured Aeryn's lips. He stroked his tongue over her mouth and then slipped his tongue into her mouth and he felt hers mingle with his.

Aeryn slid her hands up his chest and around his neck. She pressed her body against his and deepened the kiss. John steered them closer to the bed, never breaking the kiss. With a gentle push Aeryn tumbled to the bed and John followed to lie beside her.

She was wearing a black t-shirt and John slipped his hand underneath the hem and pushed it up to rest under her breasts. He lowered his head and kissed her stomach, plunging his tongue into her belly button. Her stomach wasn't as taut as it used to be and light stretch marks marred her tummy but they were the marks of motherhood and he thought they were the most beautiful things he had ever seen.

Focusing his attention lower, he un-snapped her leather pants and spread them wide. She wore black briefs similar to his own and he heard Aeryn moan with pleasure as he dipped his finger into the elastic and into her center. John felt her hands in his hair as he hooked a finger into her underwear and pulled them off along with her pants. With her bare to him, he traded his finger for his tongue. He sucked her sweetness and he heard her small whimpers as she bucked under his ministration.

With a slight smile he lifted his head and reached for her black shirt, ripping it off her and tossing it to the ground. He placed his hands on her breast and kneaded them lightly and she let out a loud cry, which he covered with his hand. John gestured his head to Trevon's crib where he slept and lifted a finger to his lips. Aeryn shook her head in agreement and raised her hand to his head to draw his lips down to hers.

Aeryn reached for John's black shirt and lifted it over his head and then made quick work of his pants. Soon he was as bare as she was and she marveled at his lean naked body.

John took her lips again and covered her mouth hard as he leveled himself above her. Watching her face and drinking in her beauty he sank into her and he felt an instant peace wash over him. It was always like that with her. When he was with Aeryn it seemed all was right with the world.

They spent the night in each other's arms, but all too soon the time came for Aeryn to leave. Aeryn dressed quickly in the Prowler uniform she had taken from Ariss. Staring into the mirror after snapping the last button Aeryn was taken aback at the figure in the mirror. She hadn't worn clothes like this in so many cycles she hardly remembered what they felt like.

Aeryn recalled the day she had first put on a uniform just like this one. It was a solar day after receiving her commission. It was the happiest day of her life, for she had fought all the odds and become what she was breed to be. Now, so many cycles later, she realized how wrong she was. Looking over at John, who was snapping the buttons of his pants and then over to Trevon who was sitting up in his crib she realized her time as a Peacekeeper was just a means to an end. For this, what she had in this room was what she was meant to be and the empty life she had formed as a Peacekeeper was just a memory.

John stood beside the Prowler as Aeryn finished the pre-flight check. He held Trevon in his arms and the boy was reaching out his hands for Aeryn. John found it hard to hold his son as he kept struggling for Aeryn to take him.

After completing the system's check, Aeryn looked at John and Trevon. "I'm ready," she told John as she reached out and stroked Trevon's head. He was still struggling in John's arms and Aeryn told John to give him to her.

Trevon wrapped his arms around her and held tight. It was as if he knew what was going on and he was trying to hold his mother close. Leaning close to his ear she whispered to him that she loved him and kissed his cheek.

Steeling herself she handed Trevon back to John. "Here, take him." Reaching in her bag behind her, Aeryn pulled out a vid chip and held it out to John.

"Take this," she told him. John snatched it from her hand and studied it.

"It's for Trevon, in case ." Aeryn stopped herself before finishing her sentence.

"Listen to me, you make sure Trevon doesn't need to see this," John said leaning into the cockpit of the prowler as she shifted Trevon to his other hip. "You come back." He kissed he quickly.

"I love you," Aeryn said as she punched a button on the console and the canopy slide closed.

"I love you too," he yelled.

John stepped back from the Prowler as it powered up. He backed out of the hanger bay so that he wouldn't miss one glimpse of Aeryn as she left. When he got to the hanger doors they slowly began to slide closed, impeding his view of her.

"Last time we stood here, we didn't say goodbye." John remembered his words of so many cycles ago when she left for Talyn with Crais. "And it wasn't goodbye as it turned out," Aeryn had said. "Let's hope history repeats itself," John said aloud as the doors closed and she flew away.

John dropped Trevon off with Chiana who promised to do her Godmother duties while Aeryn was gone. John used the time to seek out Ariss.

He went to the cell and hung his fingers through the openings in the door and stared at her. His hatred for her poured from every fiber of his being and his need to end her life flowed through him.

"I take it Aeryn has left," Ariss said as she walked over toward John. "Come to pick up where we left off?"

John didn't answer her just kept staring. He tightened his grip on the door and pretended it was Ariss' neck.

"Listen, and listen good," John finally spoke. "Your life means nothing to me, and you better pray she comes back, because she is the only reason you are still alive. If she doesn't make it back I am putting a bullet in your brain and I will enjoy every minute of it."

John turned on his heels and walked away. He could hear Ariss' screams as he made his way down the passageway. He was going to go play with his son and wait for word from Aeryn. It had been a while, but for now all he had was time.

Next up: Aeryn lands on the command carrier and discovers a plot that could take down the entire universe.