A/N: Since I forgot to put "The End" on the last chapter, I felt bad, so here's one more chapter for you guys. I'm glad you liked the first one, I was kind of afraid you wouldn't because I'm really not used to writing non- Smoochy. Eek, I left the comfort zone! Hee, enjoy this one you guys. :D
This chapter is based around the song, "The Reason," by Hoobastank.
To read the original version with song lyrics go to: bitter-solemnity. com /fics /WT.php (just get rid of the spaces).
And this one is in Trish's point of view.
I know that he thought I was perfect, but I'm really not. It's just how he saw me, and I can't say that I didn't like it, because I did. He made me feel special, but I'm not that perfect person that he thought I was, I have flaws. I have so many flaws that either he failed to see or didn't want to see. I guess that's why I left. Or maybe it was because I was terribly afraid.
Afraid of what? I keep asking myself that question because for the life of me I can't figure it out. Maybe I'm scared of the content feeling I get when I lay in his arms at night. Maybe it was the fact that he gave me so much love, much of which I just didn't deserve. I don't deserve his love. For so long I was considered a slut, prancing around on every guy's arm, I'm sickened with myself over that actually.
Randy never did that to me, he always made me feel as if I were special and only needed to be myself. I wish I could take back all those things that I did, I wish I could have that clean slate. Maybe then I'd be perfect for you, but I know I'm not, not right now, maybe not ever.
Maybe that's why I left.
I can still see it now, the look on your face. You looked so hopeful, kneeling there with that gorgeous ring extended in front of you. I can still remember every last detail. Of course, it was only a couple of weeks ago. It seems too long ago now though, when I think about it. To my tired mind, that has been going over and over the incident, it's been an eternity since that moment you asked me to marry you.
I told you no. The look on your face, I could see it crumbling right before my eyes. It started in your eyes, they got dim, as if I had extinguished a light in them. I didn't mean to do that Randy baby, I really didn't. I never wanted to hurt you, I really didn't. Then it went down his face, as if a shroud had covered that beautiful face.
I know that you tried to maintain your dignity. I saw you try to compose yourself. I wanted to reach out and touch you, but you just would've shrugged me off. I can remember you getting up and turning your back to me. I left then, grabbed my bag, threw some clothes in and then I was gone. But I turned at the last second, right before leaving the room, leaving you.
"I'm sorry Randy."
I ran away. I know that was probably the wrong thing to do. I know that I should've at least stayed to talk to you, but I couldn't. I didn't want to see your face anymore. I didn't know what to say, or how to explain myself. I don't know my feelings. I'm standing here, looking out on just land, and I still don't know why I said what I said, I just knew that I couldn't marry you.
I don't deserve him. I know it'd shock him to hear it, but it's the truth. I really don't, he's so great and has so much going for him. I'll just hurt him, because I don't know what I want. I don't know if he's what I want for the rest of my life. I'm so undecided right now, and I can't face you with so much indecision in my mind.
So I ran away.
I didn't know where to go, didn't know a place I could go that you wouldn't find me. You do know me, and you would've known where to go if I had chosen one of my usual hang-outs. No, I had to go somewhere where I knew that you wouldn't find me. I could only think of one place, only one person who could help me through this, because he had been in my position.
I ran to Jeff.
I hear someone clearing their throat and I turn to see Jeff in the doorway. He's holding a tray with a bowl on it. I don't think I can eat, but Jeff knows that I haven't eaten anything in a while. He smiles sympathetically at me and sets the tray down on this dresser pushed against the wall.
"How're you holding up?"
"Same," I tell him.
"Anything I can do to make you feel better?" he asks.
I smile dully, "You're letting me stay here, that's help enough."
"Why'd you come here besides the fact that Randy won't know you're here?" Jeff drawled.
"Because you were in the same place I was not too long ago," she said, "I wanted you and you didn't. Why didn't you want me?"
He thought for a moment, running his hand through his vibrant red hair, "Because I knew that we weren't meant to be. We danced around each other for so long, we should've known that we weren't getting serious for a reason."
"Was that reason Randy?"
"Well, I think the reason is that there are better people for us than each other," he shrugged.
"Do you think my perfect person is Randy?" I asked. Maybe Jeff could give me the answer I so desperately needed to know. If only I could dump the question on someone else, then I wouldn't have to figure it out myself.
"That's something you have to decide," he told me, "Try and eat something ok? I don't need you dying on me."
I laugh as he leaves. I knew he'd say that. I knew that I'd have to figure this one out on my own. I just didn't know how to do that. I didn't know where to go from here. I was so confused. I sat down on the bed, staring at the leopard print comforter that was sitting on it. Only Jeff would have that. I laid down, and grabbed a pillow, holding it to my chest. Only then did the tear come, and I welcomed them, at least it would be something else to focus on.
I pick up the phone and I dial our house. I chicken out on the second ring and hang up. I'm a coward. Not only am I a bitch for turning Randy down, I'm a coward who can't even talk to the one man I love. And I do love him, I love him so much, and that's why I left, because he deserved to be let go. I didn't even realize that I wasn't right for you until you asked me to marry you. I just wish I had seen it sooner.
I sit on the couch, channel surfing as Jeff goes grocery shopping. I don't have much energy to do much, and I've only left Jeff's house a handful of times in the past two weeks. The doorbell rings and the fear seizes me as I realize that it could be Randy. I tentatively stand up and go to the door. I open it slightly and see Lita standing there. I sigh in relief.
"I knew that I would find you here."
"What are you doing here?" I ask her.
"I'm here to ask if you've suddenly gone stupid," she said, giving me a look of annoyance, "And I brought reinforcements."
I open the door all the way and see Stephanie standing there, giving me a little wave. I know I'm going to get a talking to, and I sigh and let them in. Stephanie's never been here before and she looks around, a look that says that she feels like she stepped into another dimension. Lita walks purposefully into the living room and I follow, Stephanie close behind me.
I'm not particularly looking forward to what's coming, but I know that they only have good intentions. They only want what's best for me. If only I knew what was best for me. You'd think someone my age would at least have some sort of knowledge of what they want from their life, but I'm just not that organized. I sometimes feel like I'm free-falling and I have nothing to grab onto.
"So what do you guys want?" I ask as I sit down on an armchair as Stephanie and Lita sit on the couch. I pull my legs up and roll into a tight ball, like I'm trying to keep the world at bay.
"We came to talk some sense into you," Stephanie said.
"You guys, I really don't need this right now."
"Trish, do you think you were the only one hurt in this whole situation?" Lita asks me.
"I know I'm not. I know that I hurt Randy alright."
"Hurt? You think you just HURT him," Lita told me, her voice raising, "You broke him."
"It's bad," Stephanie added, "I mean really, really bad. I've never seen anyone look so sad."
They're making me feel bad now, and I know that's their purpose. I think of Randy sad, and it breaks my heart. What I wouldn't give to be there to comfort him. If he even still wants to be around me. I can't be too sure that he'd want to see me. I wouldn't blame him if he didn't want to ever see me again. I wouldn't blame him if he hated me. I said no to a marriage proposal. If that's not basis for hatred, I don't know what is.
"I didn't want to make him sad," I say, trying to defend myself, lame though it may be.
"You thought he was just going to be ok with you dumping him?" Stephanie asked incredulously.
"No," I say, "But I didn't exactly dump him."
"Well, did you tell him why you said no?"
"Not exactly, I just kind of...left."
"Trish," Lita says sighing at my words, "You have to talk to him."
"I can't, not while I'm still so confused."
"You think people don't get confused," Stephanie said, "People get confused about their feelings all the time. You think it was easy for Chris and I? I thought he hated me for the better part of three years. I thought I was so stupid for being attracted to him while he hated me. But he loves me Trish, he loves me in spite of my flaws, in spite of the things I did. And Randy loves you the same way."
"I just don't know."
"And look at me," Lita said, "I spent a long time thinking that Matt was my quote unquote 'soulmate,' then he goes and turns on me, and I find Christian. Now I'm absolutely happy with Christian. He makes me happier than I've ever been. And he used to hate me!"
"That's you guys!" I exclaim, "I don't know what I want. I'm happy for you both. Stephanie, I'm glad you found Chris, you two are perfect, and you and Christian, Lita, you have so much fun. I don't know if I want Randy."
Stephanie silences me with a few words, "Would it hurt this bad if you didn't?"
I don't know how to respond to that. I don't know if there are any words eloquent enough to say what I'm thinking right now. Her words hit me like never before. She's right, it did hurt bad, it hurt to know that I hurt Randy. I love him, I love him so much, but am I worthy?
"I don't think I deserve him," I say quietly.
"Oh, now I know that's crap," Lita says, rolling her eyes, "We can all see it Trish. We can see how good you two are for each other."
"It's true," Stephanie adds, "Everyone knows you two are perfect for each other. I'm sure there are tons of people who are jealous of you guys."
"But is that something that I can have forever. I'd hate to be disappointed."
"That's a risk you have to take, but it's worth it don't you think? I was scared when Chris asked me to marry him. But I didn't let it consume me, and I'm so happy now Trish. Don't you want to be happy?"
"Yeah," I whisper.
I lay awake later that night, thinking about what Lita and Stephanie said earlier. I know they're both happy, and right now, I'm extremely jealous of them. They know what they want and they have it. Maybe I have it too. Maybe I've had it all along and I'm just too stupid to realize it. Maybe I need Randy just as much as he needs me. Maybe I am his perfect person.
I get out of bed the next morning in an obvious rush. I pack my things; I need to go find Randy right now, I need to talk to him. It all became clear to me, thanks to the wise words of two people. I grab my bag and rush downstairs into the kitchen where Stephanie, Lita, and Jeff are conferring at the kitchen table. They all look up at my curiously.
"I'm going, I need to see Randy."
They just smile and nod, as if they already knew that I would be going. I give them all a hug, an extra long one for Jeff for putting up with me for so long. Then I'm on my way, driving to the airport. I inquire about flights back home, and find there's a flight in forty minutes. I'll be cutting it close, but I need to get home as soon as possible, before it's too late and Randy gives up on me.
I make it on the flight, and it's not fast enough for my liking. I just stare out the window, willing the plane to go faster. Finally we're touching down and I'm out of my seat like a bullet out of a gun. I find my car in the long-term parking and drive home, trying to obey all the traffic laws. I make it home, and I'm relieved that his car is here.
I walk inside and it's so quiet. Everything is so still, even the air seems still, nothing is out of place or anything. I figured that maybe he'd have gotten so angry he'd throw things around, but there's nothing. I set my bag down and go in search of Randy, hoping that he really is here and isn't out with Evolution or something. I go further into the house, trying to be quiet. I don't know why, it just seems the right thing to do.
He's not downstairs; I've looked everywhere. He must be upstairs. I tiptoe upstairs and look down the hallway towards our room. The door is slightly ajar. I walk down the hallway and to the door. It's dark inside and the curtains are drawn. But I can still make out his shape sitting on the bed, his head down. My heart contracts for a second as I see him there. Though I can't make out his features with his back to me, the sadness seems to emanate off of him, and it's all my fault. I tear up as I just stand there looking at him.
He's looking at something, I can tell, but I can't really make out what it is. I can smell the alcohol, but the smell is stale, so it must have smelled for a while. I hope he's not drunk, especially not over me. I stare at him and finally figure out what he's holding. It's the ring, the ring that should be on my finger. It's now or never, and I have to talk to him.
"I should've stayed," I whisper.
His head swivels towards me and I can just make out tears streaming down his face from the light in the hallway shining off of him. I open the door a little more and walk inside. I don't know what to do for a moment, but I finally go over to the bed and sit next to him. We sit there silently, I'm not sure if I should go first, but I know I have to. I know he has so many questions that need to be answered.
"I should've stayed and explained myself."
"I'm sorry," he tells me.
I shake my head, "No, you have nothing to be sorry about. This was all on me, not on you. You didn't do anything wrong."
"I never should've asked you to marry me. You are so out of my league, I should've realized that."
"No," I say taking his hand, "You aren't out of my league, I was stupid and thought I didn't deserve you."
"How can you think that? You are perfect for me, I don't deserve you."
"I think that we deserve each other."
"I've missed you so much."
"I missed you too," I tell him, holding his hand, "I was just confused about us Randy, I didn't know what I wanted, but I came to see that I want you."
He looked hopeful, "You do?"
"Yeah, I do, you make me happy, and it took a few people to make me see that. I should've seen it on my own, but sometimes you need a little help from your friends."
"Yeah."
"So if you'll have me, I would love it if you would be my husband."
A brilliant smile takes over his face and he nods eagerly. I smile and lean in to kiss him and as our lips meet, I can't believe how stupid I was to leave him in the first place, to say no to the one man I've ever truly loved. As we're kissing he slips the ring on my finger and I intertwine our fingers. He pulls away and looks at me adoringly, that light back in his eyes.
"I would love to be your husband."
I smile. The feeling sweeping over me is overwhelming. It's a good feeling, content, something I could definitely get used to. He hugs me to him tightly and I'm happy to be in his arms again. I hug him back, never wanting to let go, knowing I don't ever have to again. Nothing else matters at the moment.
All I need is him.
THE END
