Someone was kissing her, she realized as she slowly came out of the
haze off sleep. Her entire body stiffened and she panicked, thinking in the
disoriented time just before waking up that she was back there, with
him. Then she remembered that it had been almost two years since Zack had
taken her away from there, over four months since the child had been born and
gone. So who was this kissing her now?
Syl opened her eyes; it was hard to tell who it was in the darkness of the bedroom with his face so close to hers. She could feel his body pressed against hers, the thin blanket separating them. She put her hands against his shoulders to shove him away but suddenly realized she was pulling him closer instead, responding to his deep kisses, revelling in the feeling of his hands on her face.
That's when she realized that it was happening again, what hadn't happened since the first confusing night she had slept with the man who now haunted her nightmares. Syl's hands started shaking even as she sighed with pleasure against hot lips, ran her fingers through soft hair, down over strong shoulders. The guy pulled away a little suddenly; Syl looked up at him, tried to stop herself from crying out at the sudden loss of warmth, found his eyes in the darkness. Her heart froze.
"Zack?" She meant for it to come out as a horrified gasp, but it emerged from her lips in a low, seductive purr. He looked scared and confused somewhere in the back of his eyes, but most of his gaze was pure animal desire and she thought she would faint with pleasure to see that. Her hands rose unbidden to the back of his head, pulled him down for another kiss. Part of her mind was struggling to understand how he had known, why he wasn't stopping what she knew from past experience that she herself couldn't.
Then it occurred to her that it was Manticore who had done this to her, and somehow it affected him the same way. She felt moisture on her cheeks and realized even as she pulled him closer that she was crying. One of her tears pooled in the groove above her lips and Zack felt it on his tongue, forced himself to pull back. She could tell he was using a lot of restraint not to just take her right there, just as much as she herself was using. She kept crying, afraid that neither of them would be able to control themselves but wanting it just as much as she didn't. Zack's hands came up against her shoulders, holding them; he wasn't meeting her eyes now and she was glad, because if he did look at her she was sure they'd both be lost.
"Syl," he said; his voice was strangled with both desire and anguish, but to her dismay that just made her want him more.
"I don't understand," she said, her own voice shaking with her tears. Zack pulled back a little from her, both relieving and frustrating her. He ran a hand through his hair; she was glad to see he was still fully clothed.
"How many times have I had to explain this?" he muttered to himself; he ran a hand through his hair again. He was staring at the wall, the bedspread, the floor, anywhere but at her.
"Explain what?" she asked, then panicked as she realized her hands were reaching for him again, and she was sitting up, pulling him toward her. He tried to resist, she could tell, but she held his face in her hands and as soon as their lips touched he wasn't fighting anymore. He pinned her to the bed, his hands roving everywhere. The tears came once more even as she grabbed at his shirt, trying to pull it off. Zack's hands were caressing her face as he kissed her, stroking her cheeks softly. He felt her tears again and paused, pulled away. There was a moment's silence where nothing happened, and then Syl reached for him again, trying to find his lips with her own. Since he wasn't doing it, she started to pull her own shirt over her head, tried to guide his hands against her burning skin. For a moment he did, kissing her hotly, caressing her. Then he jerked away, fists clenched, obviously working very hard to control himself.
"Don't, Syl," he bit out, squeezing his eyes shut as she reached for him once more. She wanted to listen, but her hands caressed his arms, pulled again at the hem of his shirt, grabbed for his pajama bottoms. A sudden sharp pain and stinging against her cheek was the only indication that he'd hit her.
They sat there in the darkness, staring at each other, for almost a full minute. Zack's still-raised hand was shaking; she could see the feelings chasing themselves through his eyes, the horrible guilt for hitting her and relief that it had stopped her advances. Her heart broke for him even as her desire took over again. Syl felt herself smiling seductively at him, watched her hand reach for him again. It was his fist that struck her jaw this time, harder; she went reeling, smacked against the wall. She turned to him, wide-eyed, but he was on top of her almost immediately, his lips hot against hers, and for a few blissful moments she didn't care. But with a surge of sanity she didn't think she had she flipped him over on his back and punched him hard in the face, snapping his head to the side. Then she kissed him, crying, trying to stop herself. They traded blows and kisses for several moments.
"Syl," Zack said finally, his voice pained, and he hit her again, shoved her off him. She fell onto the floor, crying, attempting to climb back up with him even as her mind screamed not to. He took the moment of brief coherent thought and jumped out of the bed, running to the door. She saw him hesitate, knew he wanted to come back to see if she was okay, to apologize for hitting her, knew that it was killing him inside even now and would do so worse later. She laid on the floor, sobbing, and prayed to a God she didn't believe in that he wouldn't turn around.
He didn't. He left the room, left their apartment, and two hours later Brin was there to keep her from attacking her male neighbours. That's when it was explained to her what Manticore had done, not only to herself, but to Brin and all their sisters, why she had acted the way she did to Zack just then, and to her foster uncle two years before, and why her own brother had responded. Oddly, the explanation didn't help anything at all, didn't make anything better or make any of her demons go away.
Zack returned a week later, and Brin left. He stood in the apartment
doorway, looking hurt, dejected, anguished. He stared at her, at the bruises
still fading on her face. Syl glanced up from the book she was reading and she
could tell he hadn't thought he'd hit her that hard. Fear gripped her as he
turned to leave.
"Zack," she said, jumping up, hurrying over to him. "It's okay, I'm fine. Really." He turned to her, not meeting her eyes, his own full of guilt.
"I would never-" he said, broke off, gathered himself. "I would never- to any of you, Syl... I wouldn't do anything to hurt-" He swallowed hard. "I'd rather die than-"
"I hit you, too," she reminded him gently. She didn't like that they weren't touching; it was strange and unnerving. She wanted to hug him. Zack shook his head.
"I'm sorry, Syl," he said. She reached her arms up, pulled him into an embrace.
"Brin explained everything. I'm glad you left."
"I'm sorry you had to find out that way," he said, not making any move to let her go. "I should have told you before. I thought you knew."
"You told Brin the first time?" she asked softly; his body stiffened for a moment.
"Yeah," he said. "And some of the others." He pulled away. Syl smiled at him, reached up to run her fingers through his hair, against his scalp, the only action that had ever comforted him when they were children and he was angry or upset. He smiled a little then, looked a bit less guilty, calmer.
"So you're home now?" she asked softly.
"Yeah," he said, finally closing the front door behind him. He glanced around the place uncomfortably, as though they hadn't been living together for nearly two years. His eyes fell on the kitchen and he smiled at her again. "Why don't I make us lunch?" Syl returned the smile, touched his hand.
"Sounds good."
"It's great to see you, Syl," Brin said now, holding her warmly. She
smiled and pulled back.
"You too." Syl surveyed Zane's apartment. "Zack found you a nice place," she said. "Told you."
"Yeah. Thanks."
"So, I take it you've kicked all your various girls out for the duration of our stay?" she asked, winking at him. He flushed slightly.
"Hey, I've got you two, isn't that enough?" he teased, eliciting good-natured smiles and rolled eyes from both his sisters. Syl fell onto Zane's couch and waited for his dog to come over and lick her face. Then she remembered that his dog-buying hadn't exactly gone as planned this time.
"We should get you a puppy while we're here," she said, smiling at Brin. Zane's face lit up.
"You should!"
"We'll see," Brin said. They sat in comfortable silence for a few moments.
"Tinga's not coming?" Syl asked. Zane shook his head.
"She's moving," he said. His sisters paled.
"Did Zack-"
"No, no, it was her husband's idea," he said quickly, smiling as they relaxed. "Apparently he's always wanted to live in Portland." They nodded, relieved.
"So what's new, Brinny?" Syl asked, turning to her. "It's been a long time."
"Yeah," she said, then, "But surprisingly not much. I've been with this guy for the past two years. Our anniversary's coming up." She had a happy smile on her face.
"Greg," Zane supplied.
"Does he know...?" Syl trailed off and Brin sighed a little.
"Of course not. You're looking at Brianna Campbell, my friends."
"Yeah, she's even got the fake name going on," Zane said, smiling sadly.
"Yeah, he met me when I'd just changed identities to get out of Michigan." She waved her hand at Syl's questioning look wearily. "Long story." Syl smiled at her, knowing how that felt. "Have you heard from Zack?" Brin asked next. Whenever a group of them got together, conversation ultimately turned to Zack and the others.
"Not for a few weeks," Syl said.
"I haven't seen him in almost a year," Zane added.
"Me neither," Brin said. She looked at Syl. "You have the most contact with him out of all of us. How is he?"
"He's good. Worried, as usual, but good."
"About Ben?"
"About a lot of things," Syl said. She sighed. "Ben's a big one."
"I heard," Brin said. "Krit told me."
"Things go quickly through the grapevine," Syl remarked.
"I think he saw the news, actually."
"The thing I don't get," Zane said. "Is that if Ben was all over the news, why didn't Lydecker get wind of it?"
"He's lucky he wasn't hauled back to Manticore," Brin said worriedly. Syl got to her feet and went into the kitchen to pour herself a glass of water. She knew why Lydecker hadn't taken Ben; he had got wind of it, Zack had just managed to deflect him. But all that was secret. In the kitchen she heard Brin add softly, "Maybe the Blue Lady is watching over him like he thinks."
"Amen, Ben," Zane said quietly. Syl came back into the room, sat down.
"I don't want to talk about her," she said. The other two looked at her with heavy eyes.
"Me neither," Zane answered. Brin nodded.
"Tell me something happy," she said, leaning back into the sofa and closing her eyes. Syl thought for a moment, failed to come up with anything positive. Zane started talking about his latest love interest- "We're going to get married, I know it."- and Syl was amused but not surprised to hear that the identity of the girl had changed since last they'd spoken. She smiled a little into her water.
"Speaking of Krit," Brin said after Zane was done praising his girlfriend to the heavens. "I invited him." Syl choked.
"Are you okay?" Zane asked, giving her a strange look. She set her water down, looked at Brin.
"You invited him?" she repeated.
"Yes..." Brin glanced at Zane. "Why, are we mad at him?" He shrugged.
"I'm not."
"No, I'm not mad," Syl said. She stood up, crossed her arms, glanced out Zane's window uncomfortably. "It's just..." She turned back, saw her siblings' confused expressions. She sighed. "Nothing. It's fine. Don't worry about it, Brin. When's he coming?"
"I don't know, he said he'd be here as soon as possible." Syl nodded, played with her hands.
"Did you say I was here?"
"Um... yeah, I think I mentioned it."
"Ah."
"Syl, what's wrong, did you two get in a fight or something?" Zane asked; Syl laughed a little without humour.
"I wish," she said. She saw her brother and sister exchange a look and forced a smile. "Really, it's okay guys, it's my problem, not yours."
"But is it going to be weird?" Brin asked.
"Nope, Brianna, don't worry your pretty self," Syl joked. "I'm an adult, I can handle it." Brin rolled her eyes at her.
"I'm offended," she said.
"Anyway," Zane said. "Even if you are mad at him, he's your brother. You can't hold a grudge against him for too long, right?"
"But what makes him my brother?" Syl asked after a moment. Brin and Zane looked at each other again, glanced at Syl. There was a short silence.
"Well... Manticore, I guess," Zane answered her question finally.
"I don't want to define my relationships by that place," Syl said, annoyed.
"How about love, then?" Brin had always been the philosopher of the family, the profound one. "Why are you asking this?" Syl mumbled something. "What?"
"I said, 'Because Krit doesn't exactly feel like my brother anymore.'"
"Oh," Zane said, glanced at Brin for the third time in ten minutes.
"Stop doing that, you're making me feel like I'm on trial," Syl hissed.
"So... what happened?"
"What do you think?" she snapped. "Sorry."
"Don't obsess about-" Brin began.
"I've already gotten that lecture from Zack," she cut her off.
"Zack talks to you about... stuff?" Zane asked, eyes wide. Syl laughed a little in spite of how annoyed she was feeling. She shrugged, nodded.
"Sometimes."
"Good," Brin said. "He needs that."
"I don't want to talk about this anymore," Zane said heavily. "If you and Krit are something different now that's fine with me, Syl."
"And me," Brin added.
"Tell us about Max," Zane said, surprising her.
"You know she's out?"
"Yeah."
"I didn't," Brin said, smiling. "Our little Maxie. I'm so glad."
"She's okay. Zack doesn't talk to her."
"Why not?"
"I don't know," Syl admitted. "He's different with her."
"Maybe he's having a similar problem to you, Syl," Zane said quietly. They all sat there for a few moments, trying to imagine Zack having romantic issues.
"Maybe," she said, finding that Zane's explanation actually made some sense to how Zack had been acting about Max. She made a mental note to ask him about it next time she saw him.
"This party is depressing," she remarked.
"Yeah," Brin agreed. She glanced at Zane. "Got any alcohol?"
"I've got champagne, but that's for midnight," he said. "Beer?"
"Yeah."
"Syl?"
"No thanks, I'll just stick with water."
"Okay," he said. After he stood and went into the kitchen the front door opened and Krit walked in. Syl forced herself to look at him, smiled a bit. Brin got to her feet and headed for the kitchen, hugging Krit on the way. He and Syl just stared at each other.
"Zane, you know what I'd really like?" they heard Brin's voice from the next room. "Wine."
"I have wine."
"No, you don't, not the kind I like."
"Try me," Zane answered, oblivious; Syl heard a cupboard open. "What kind do you like?"
"I like wine from Iceland."
"What? Iceland doesn't-" The rest of his sentence was cut off as Brin shoved him out the front door and shut it behind them, leaving Krit standing in the entranceway and Syl alone in the living room.
"That was smooth," she forced out.
"Yeah," Krit said. He walked in, sat in the furthest chair from her. "Syl-"
"Don't," she said. "Let me go first."
"Okay."
"I'm sorry. I meant what I said, but I'm sorry if it hurt you."
"I haven't been able to get you out of my mind."
"Well do it. Use the technique if you have to," she said dryly. He was scaring her, his dark eyes boring into hers, making her jumpy. He frowned.
"That's not funny," he said. She let her breath out in a long sigh.
"Nothing is," she said quietly, then forced herself to look at him. "Why did you come?"
"I want to know what's going on with you," he said, coming and sitting next to her. She found the closeness of his body comforting but a little frightening as well.
"What do you mean?" she managed.
"Everything you said, that whole thing with Steve, it's got me thinking and I think there's something really wrong here, Syl. Something's going on that I don't know about and I want to know what it is. There's something you haven't told me, isn't there? Just say so if I'm wrong." Syl said nothing. "Okay, so what is it then?"
"You don't want to go there, Krit," she said, glanced away. His hand was firm against her cheek, forcing her to look at him.
"Yes I do."
"Well I don't!" she said, and jerked away from him, standing up. "You shouldn't have come."
"I haven't seen Zane in a year. It's been longer for Brin. I came to talk to you, Syl, but I also come because I want to be part of this family."
"If that's true," she said softly after a long moment, not looking at him. "Then I'm asking you as a sister not to ask me any more questions." He stood up.
"And I'm asking you as someone who loves you- more than as a brother- to let me help you."
"You can't help me," she hissed. "It's all in the past and I don't want it to come back again, okay? It's done. I'm fine with that and I'm not dredging it all up again."
"You're not fine," he said gently. "Syl, you consistently seek out guys who hit you. You cringe anytime anyone touches you. That's not 'fine.'"
"Shut up."
"I'm worried about you."
"Yippee."
"If you tell me what all of this is about maybe I can help you work through it. You need to talk about it with someone."
"On it," she said, turning back to him. "Zack." Krit looked hurt.
"Oh," he said, glancing away. His face hardened slightly. "You know I could find out if I wanted to."
"Try it," she said, laughing a little though his words had frightened her. "There's nothing to find." He just gazed at her.
"I already found something," he said finally, softly. She froze, looked into his dark eyes. She couldn't speak. She watched as he pulled a file folder out, put it down in front of her on the coffee table. It was several minutes before she could pick it up. She flipped it open, looked down at the face of a young boy with sandy-blond hair and no smile. A mugshot.
"Zack," she said. Why was Krit showing her this?
"Michael Hanover," he answered.
"Yes, I know. He told me about this. Armed robbery. He was trying to steal tryptophan from a pharmacy." What was Krit's point?
"I did a search on the name," he said. She raised her eyes to his, confused. He looked so sad. "2011, a Sylvia Hanover was taken to an emergency room by her brother Michael." Syl dropped the file folder, her hands shaking too much to hold it anymore. She took a step back from Krit without meaning to. "She was given an examination and treatment would have started if there hadn't been an altercation soon afterward," he pressed on despite her obvious protest. She wanted him to stop talking, or at least stop using that low, soothing voice.
Syl burst out of the examination room, tears streaming down her
cheeks. She saw Zack talking with someone, ran and collapsed against him,
sobbing.
"I can't do it," she whispered into his shoulder.
"What did she do to you?" Zack asked, his voice full of anger at the nurse Syl had run from.
"Sylvia," the woman said, walking slowly over, holding a small pill in her hand and a glass of water. "It's important that you take this."
"What is that?" Zack asked, low.
"It's a morning after pill," the nurse explained, and Zack stiffened. Syl realized he hadn't even considered that; she certainly hadn't.
"Take it, Syl," he said; she pulled back, stared up at him.
"But- I wouldn't be any better than-" She stopped, remembering they were in mixed company, lowered her voice. "Than him."
"Take it, Syl," he said firmly. His voice softened. "You're thirteen years old." He took the pill and the water from the nurse and held them out to her. Syl's lower lip started trembling.
"I- I don't want to." This was wrong.
"You don't have to," the woman Zack had been talking to said gently, moving toward them. Syl realized she was a social worker. "It's completely up to you," she said. "If you are pregnant there's always adoption, or-"
"No," Zack cut her off, turning back to Syl. He took her hand and put the pill into it. "Take it." It was small and evil in her palm.
"Michael," the social worker said. "You can't force-"
"I am ordering you to take this pill," Zack said, ignoring the woman. Tears slipped down Syl's cheeks, but she dropped the pill into her mouth and took the water, swallowing through her sobs. "Open your mouth," Zack said gently. Syl did as he said, showing him that she hadn't faked it. He nodded, put a hand soothingly on her shoulder. "It's what's best for you," he said softly as she cried.
"Take Sylvia to get something to eat," the social worker said to the nurse, her voice sharp with anger. Syl was led away, crying, from Zack. "Tell me the truth, Michael," she heard the social worker say. "What's really going on here?" Her voice was significantly less friendly. Syl paused, uncertain.
"What are you talking about?" he asked, turning back toward his sister, not wanting her out of his sight. "Syl-"
"How did she get those bruises on her face?" the social worker cut him off as Syl stopped in the hallway, responding to Zack's suspicious voice, not letting the nurse take her away. "Did you hit her?" she asked; Zack's fists clenched in anger.
"No!" Syl said, trying to hurry back over. Then nurse held her back. "No, he didn't hit me!"
"Did he tell you to say that?" The social worker asked softly. "You don't have to be afraid anymore, we'll help you."
"Syl, come here," Zack ordered, his voice slightly panicked.
"Let go of me," Syl said, struggling with the woman. She broke away, came to Zack. He turned away from the nurse and social worker but halted as he saw a security guard approaching from the other side.
"You're making a mistake," he said angrily. "We haven't done anything wrong."
"I've seen this before," the social worker said. "It's okay, Sylvia, if your brother-"
"Shut up!" Syl yelled. "He hasn't hurt me! He wouldn't!"
"Don't bother with them, Syl," Zack said. "They can't understand."
"You seem to like giving orders, Michael," the nurse said coldly.
"I've called the police," the guard informed her as he walked to Zack. His hand dropped onto Syl's shoulder but Zack smacked it off, backing her away from him.
"We'll be able to find a nice home for you, Sylvia," the social worker said. "Come here. You won't have to be afraid anymore." Syl looked at Zack, eyes wide with fear, clutching at his hand.
"Don't let them take me," she whispered.
"Syl?" Krit called her back. "Did you hear me?"
"Why are you doing this?"
"The records are sealed but I can break into them with some time."
"Don't," she breathed.
"Why did you go to that hospital? Why don't you want me to look?"
"Because I'm asking you not to," she whispered, her voice shaking.
"As a sister?"
"As whatever the hell you want me to be, Krit!"
"You know what I want you to be."
"I'm sorry, okay? I'm sorry, Krit, just please leave this alone!" Her whole body was shaking. "Please, please leave this alone, okay?"
"Let me in, then."
"You're trying to make me tell you by threatening me?"
"I'm trying to get through to you that I care and no matter what it is I'm going to be there for you!"
"I told you, I don't want to go there!" she cried. "Just don't do it, Krit. Please." He gazed at her for a long time.
"I'm going home now," he said softly. "I thought you might think we were worth trying." He was angry. "Obviously not."
"You don't understand."
"No," he snapped. "I guess not." He glanced at the file. "You can keep that. I'm not going to look if you don't want me to." He turned and left her sobbing in Zane's living room.
"I hate you," she whispered as he walked to the door, opened it. "I hate you so much." He glanced back, a tear on his cheek.
"I love you," he said softly, then left. The door shut. Syl took the folder with shaky hands and burned it on Zane's stove.
"I hate you," she said again as she watched his violation turn into ashes,
Zack's young face watching her from the counter, spared from the fire. "I hate
you, I hate you," she whispered through her tears. "I hate you." Maybe if she
said it enough times it would be true.
