Consciousness returned slowly. First she made out sounds, the sounds of two people breathing- one awake, one asleep. She opened her eyes, blinked against the light of the room as it pierced her vision. She was in a hospital. She wasn't dead. Zack was here. And so was-

"Ben?" she gasped. He was standing in the doorway, looking at her, his head tilted a little to the side, smiling. Zack was sleeping in a chair next to her bed. Ben came into the room, stood beside her.

"Syl," he said. "You've grown."

"So have you." She reached out her arms and he hugged her. She could smell his shampoo, an herbal aroma, and a scent that was distinctly him and hadn't changed since they were children. After a few moments he let go and gazed at her. He reached out a hand to touch her cheek where it was still healing from one of Joel's blows. There was pain in his eyes.

"I'm fine," she assured him.

"I know," he answered. She hadn't been prepared for that; whenever she told Zack she was fine he either disagreed, got upset but tried to hide it, or started blaming himself for whatever had befallen her this time. Ben's reaction was a surprise. And a relief.

"You let them hit you because it makes you feel real?" he asked softly. She didn't say anything for several moments, taken aback at his words.

"I guess so," she finally answered. "I don't really know." She glanced away, uncomfortable in front of his penetrating stare. "Maybe." She looked at him. "Is that why you've been killing people, Ben? To feel real?"

"I do it for the Blue Lady."

"You really believe in her still?"

"Don't you? I see her everywhere. They have shrines to her out here. She's real."

"Churches don't call her the Blue Lady, though, Ben. And there's nothing about nomlies or teeth."

"Minor details," he said, shrugging her words off easily. Syl gazed at him.

"I hope you're happy, Ben."

"I am. I'm happy."

"Because you feel normal when you kill?"

"No," he said. That stare again. He'd never had that stare at Manticore. "Because I am normal when I kill. There's no escaping it. Why would you even want to? It's who we are, Syl. There's nothing wrong with it." Somewhere deep inside, even though she didn't want to, she knew he was right. She glanced away from Ben over at Zack. Hadn't he said it himself a thousand times? We're soldiers. Being outside doesn't change that.

"Ben," she said. "I'm glad you came." He smiled at her, reached out and touched her head; his fingers were warm and soft against her forehead. He looked like he was blessing her.

"Syl," he said. "I missed you. Zack never lets me see anyone."

"I think he's afraid of you."

"Zack isn't afraid of anything," Ben answered. Syl bit her lip.

"You'd be surprised," she said softly. He took his hand off her head, smiled at her again, glanced sideways at Zack.

"I have to go."

"Will you come back?"

"No."

"Be careful, Ben."

"Don't let them hit you anymore," he said. "You're real, Syl. I know who you are. I see you." He touched her cheek. "I forgive you."

"What for?"

"I don't know. For something. For everything you can't forgive yourself." He smiled again, sadly. "It doesn't matter what for. Don't let them hurt you anymore, okay?"

"Okay." She was surprised to find she wasn't lying. A weight lifted from her heart, surprising her further; was it that easy? A promise to a brother, and voila you're fixed?

"Bye, Syl," he said. "I love you."

"I love you too, Ben," she answered softly. He smiled- slow, serene. Happy, truly, in a haunted kind of way. She smiled back. Then he turned, walked to the door, and he was gone.


"Syl!" She jerked awake as someone called her name; a hand was on her shoulder. Zack's hand. And his face, staring down at her with a mixture of fear and anguish on his face, though to anyone but her it would have been completely unreadable. She gazed around the same hospital room she'd just been in, but she couldn't remember having fallen asleep.

"Where's Ben?" she asked.

"Ben?" Zack's brow furrowed as he withdrew his hand. "He's in Chicago still, why?"

"But... he was just here," she said. "Wasn't he?"

"You were hallucinating," Zack said gently. "Pain medication does that sometimes."

"Were you just sleeping?" she asked, glancing at the chair where she'd seen him dozing while Ben had been talking to her.

"No," he said. "I was in the cafeteria getting something to eat." He held out an apple. "Want this?"

"I'm not hungry. Zack, I could have sworn he was here. He talked to me."

"It's okay, Syl," he said. "I've hallucinated myself once or twice from that stuff. You're back in reality now."

"I guess." She couldn't shake the dream, though. It had felt so real. Syl sighed, and then gasped as the movement of her ribs sent pain shooting through her body. It receded almost immediately as her pain medication compensated. Then she remembered why she was here. "Zack," she said hesitantly. "The baby." He gazed at her sadly, shook his head. Syl forced herself to nod, be strong.

"You can cry if you want to," Zack told her gently. But she was afraid that if she did she wouldn't be able to stop, so she shook her head.

"Did they see my barcode?"

"You don't have a barcode," he said. "I lasered it off."

"How did you manage that?"

"Same way I managed to get you a fake id," he said. "You're Jennifer O'Neill."

"And you are...?"

"I'm your brother," he said; he was trying to make her laugh, which was unusual for him. She did, then reached over and poked his arm.

"What's your name?"

"Robert," he said. Syl shook her head.

"Doesn't suit you."

"Oh," he mocked her. "Well I'm sorry." She smiled, then bit her lip.

"Zack..." she began cautiously. "Where's Joel?"

"Was that his name?" Zack asked, dead serious again. Syl let her breath out in a sigh.

"You killed him?" she asked softly. He gazed at her for a long moment, finally shrugged, slightly uncomfortable, his humour gone. He sat down on the edge of her bed and started staring at the IV tube a nurse had stuck into her arm.

"The doctors say you're going to be fine," he said finally, nodding as though to reassure both her and himself.

"That's good." She sighed after a short silence. "I was probably going to miscarry eventually anyway you know," she said softly.

"You don't have to talk about it," he said. She looked at him; she wanted to talk about it.

"You remember they told me that, don't you? Because the first one was so difficult, they said it would probably be hard for me to ever carry another child?" Zack nodded.

"I know. But this was preventable, Syl. His beating you up caused it, not the first baby." His voice was so gentle that he was barely speaking above a whisper but it made her cringe anyway and he paused. "Sorry. Why didn't you tell me?" He finally met her eyes. "Did you think I would be angry?" She hesitated.

"No," she said finally. "I was going to tell you when you came down in a couple of weeks, for her birthday." Zack always came for her daughter's birthday; it was a ritual.

"Why did you let him?" The question was always the same, even though she'd answered it a thousand times. She thought of what she'd told Ben, but found that she couldn't remember most of their conversation anymore, only that she'd been happy and content to see him again.

"I don't know, Zack."

"Did you want to miscarry that baby?" he asked softly. She froze. Did she?

"I... I don't know," she finally admitted. She started crying. His hand was gentle against her shoulder, comforting.

"It doesn't matter. It's gone now anyway, and so is its father, and you're going to be fine." He looked hopeful. "You can just put it behind you, Syl." She shrugged away from his touch, stared out the hospital room's window.

"It was Krit's, Zack," she said finally. "I didn't sleep with Joel. That's why he got mad. The baby wasn't his, it was Krit's." His hand had frozen against her cold cheek. She slowly turned back to him and saw an unreadable expression on his face. It was more horrible that anguish, more pained than guilt. It scared her. But before she could think of what to do next or how to respond to that, Zack did something she never would have expected: he stood up abruptly, turned, and left the room. Syl just laid in her hospital bed, staring at the door he'd exited through in shock, trying not to sob out loud.


It was two hours before he came back. He sat on her bed again, like he'd never left her side.

"I'm sorry-" she started.

"Syl," he interrupted, shaking his head. "I sent him."

"What?"

"Krit. I sent him to you in Colorado. Your boyfriend at the time- Steven Anderson..."

"Steve," she agreed.

"I was checking up on him. He had a history of assault. I was worried, so I sent Krit to Colorado."

"You... timed it? For when I would be in heat?" She was shocked.

"No," he said immediately. "No, that was a coincidence."

"What did you think would happen?"

"You were always close at Manticore. You were paired off together in the escape. He used to talk about you all the time after I split you up." He shrugged; he was speaking softly. "I thought maybe he could... I don't know..."

"Save me?" she whispered. He shrugged again, uncomfortably. He was looking at his hands.

"Maybe."

"Zack, it's my life."

"You almost died tonight."

"But I didn't," she insisted. There was a short pause.

"Are you going to tell him?"

"Of course," she hissed. "This was his child." She started crying. "His baby... I killed it, you're right, I did..."

"Syl," Zack said firmly. "Your baby, too. It wasn't your fault. That's not what I meant."

"Maybe it was. God, Zack, maybe I did want to miscarry!" She watched him hesitate.

"It was your body," he said slowly. "I could understand that."

"I can't!" Syl clenched her fists. "An innocent baby- that's something Lydecker would do, not-" She forced herself to stop, or she knew she would bring on another seizure and that was the last thing she needed right now. She turned back to Zack slowly. "You said once you'd wished you'd made me have an abortion with her." He winced at her words. "Would you have made me do it now, if this hadn't happened?"

"No." The sureness of his tone soothed her a little.

"Why not?" She was almost sleepy.

"Because this is different. You aren't a child. Krit isn't a rapist."

"Well, that's very logical, Zack," she said, sadly. He frowned.

"That first baby screwed up your life. I don't want it to happen again."

"I'm scared," she admitted. Before Zack could answer a doctor entered the room.

"Ah," the woman said. "You're awake."

"Hi," Syl answered tentatively. She hated doctors, hated anyone that had any kind of control over her. Funny the kind of boyfriends she chose. As soon as she though that, a portion of her conversation with Ben came back- even if it hadn't really been him, she'd promised him that she would stop seeking out those guys. And if indeed it hadn't been him, then she'd promised herself. And she intended to keep that promise. She turned to the doctor as Zack stood up.

"I'm going to leave you two, alone, okay?" he said to Syl.

"Okay."

"I'll see you later."

"Bye," she answered. Zack left, and the doctor took his place on the edge of Syl's bed, smiled at her.

"Your brother seems to love you very much, Jennifer," the doctor said; she said nothing in response to that obvious statement, so she continued, "Has he told you anything about your condition?" Syl shook her head.

"No, just that I was going to be okay."

"Would you like to know the details?"

"Yes please."

"Okay. But first I'd like to ask you about the... uniqueness of how your miscarriage came about." Her voice was soft, comforting, but Syl tensed anyway. "You were beaten. By whom, your husband?"

"Boyfriend," Syl said. "He's long gone."

"A woman's body is designed to carry a baby even under extremely rough circumstances. You would have had to sustain very serious injuries to cause you to lose your child."

"I did sustain very serious injuries," Syl said, annoyed. "You examined me, didn't you?"

"Yes," the doctor said. She paused. "I also observed evidence of previous internal damage."

"I had surgery when I was a child. Why?"

"You were raped?"

"Yes."

"And had a baby? There was evidence of an earlier delivery."

"That's right."

"I see."

"Why are you asking me all this?"

"It wasn't in your medical history. I just wanted to ask because it probably contributed to the unusual circumstances of your miscarriage."

"They said it would be hard for me to carry a baby," Syl offered. The doctor nodded.

"Where is the child now?"

"She's dead."

"I'm sorry."

"She died about two seconds after she was born." Syl shrugged. "I didn't even see her."

"You seem to be in otherwise excellent health." The doctor fixed her with a strange look that made Syl very apprehensive. "Your bloodwork came back." Syl froze.

"Could I see my brother now, please?" she asked. "I really need to talk to him."

"I'll call him in a moment," the doctor said. "Jennifer, I need to know everything there is to know about you and your bloodwork is... very interesting."

"Can you just tell me what's going to happen now?" Syl asked. The doctor sighed a little.

"You're just over fifteen weeks along. I'm recommending we induce." Syl felt her heart catch.

"Wait, what? The baby is dead, right?"

"Yes he is."

"But you're saying I have to deliver it anyway?" Syl swallowed hard. "Why?"

"For many reasons," the doctor said gently.

"Don't I have a choice? Isn't there a surgery or something you can do?" At this the doctor frowned.

"It's not usual, but there is a procedure that can remove the remains another way. But it's very complicated." She paused, dropped her voice. "It's very expensive, you understand." Syl was disgusted.

"Money isn't an issue," she growled. "My brother has lots. I want you to do whatever procedure you're talking about. I'm not giving birth to a dead baby." The doctor looked miffed, but nodded.

"I'll check into it," she said. "The matter of your bloodwork-"

"Can you call him now, please?" she interrupted softly. The doctor frowned, but nodded after a moment and stood up and left the room, promising to be back. Zack returned a few minutes later with a bottle of water, which he offered to her. The doctor left them alone as Syl took a swig.

"We have to go to Colorado," she said.

"Not yet. Krit can wait, we have to get you healthy first."

"Zack, I don't like it here. That doctor wanted me to deliver this baby as though it was alive." She expected him to immediately agree with her that the doctor was crazy, but he stood there for a few moments looking very thoughtful instead.

"Don't you want to see it?" he asked finally. She stiffened.

"I didn't even want to see the first one and she was alive."

"And you've never had closure," he said gently. Syl glared at him.

"We have to leave," she said, changing the subject. "The doctor asked about my bloodwork. She suspects something." Zack ran a hand through his hair.

"I don't think you're in any condition to move, Syl."

"I'll be fine."

"No," Zack said firmly after a moment. "You should stay here. She said you'll be bleeding for at least a week more. I'll deal with the bloodwork thing. You have to do what the doctor wants you to, okay?"

"Fine," she said angrily.

"Okay. Good." He sat down, sighed; she softened at the stressed look on his face.

"You don't have to stay," she said tentatively.

"Of course I do," he said, smiling a little. "And not just because of the bloodwork."

"What about Zane?"

"What about him?"

"You were with him when I called," she reminded him.

"Oh, it wasn't an emergency. Just a visit."

"That's nice. He'd been wanting to see you."

"I was checking in with him and Brin and Jondy."

"It was nice of you to put Zane and Brin in the same city."

"Yeah, well, they've always been close."

"How did they lose each other after the escape anyway?" she asked. "They were paired together I know but they never said how they got separated." Zack shrugged.

"Long story," he said. "You should get some rest."

"I can't sleep."

"Then close your eyes," he said. "I'm going to."

"Fine." She obeyed, waited for his breathing to get even. Then she opened her eyes and looked over at him where he sat sleeping on the chair next to her bed. She glanced outside; it was dark and windy. She felt sick to her stomach and cold, and now that Zack had mentioned it she could feel herself bleeding. Syl laid her head back against the pillow, pulled her blankets tighter around herself, and cried for this child, hers and Krit's. It wasn't fair what had happened, and what if she had done it? What had Ben asked her?

You let them hit you because it makes you feel real? And she had answered yes.

You're real, Syl, he'd said. I know who you are. If he wasn't Ben, if it had been a hallucination, then he had actually been a part her, and he'd said he knew who she was. Did that meant she knew herself? She didn't feel like she did. But she had made that promise, and as many times as she'd said it before this time she had no doubts that she would abide by that promise.

Syl thought of Krit. She would have to see him soon, to tell him about their child. Last time she'd seen him they had fought. The doctor had said 'he' and 'him.' A little boy; her and Krit's son. Dead. Syl shuddered, let her tears fall hot against her pillow. She was afraid to tell him, afraid of how he was going to react. If she had meant to miscarry, if she had wanted to for some reason, some sick perverted screwed-up reason in her screwed-up head, what did that make her? And what would Krit say? She hadn't wanted anything between them but now, faced with the possibility that she would get that wish, she was terrfied. She did want to be with him, desperately, she realized now. But would he forgive her?

Syl glanced over at Zack again, who had when they were children forgiven her for anything she'd ever done and anything she ever would do, like he had with all of them. That was love. But she didn't seem to be capable of that kind of love for herself. Maybe even for no one. She loved Zack, it was true, and Brin and Zane and Krit. But she was always a little detached, anxious. Why? What was wrong with her?

I know who you are. I see you, Ben had said. I forgive you.

"But I don't, Ben," she whispered into the dark night. She wiped a tear from her cheek but more just followed, soaking her pillow. "I can't."