"Zack!" she screamed, tears slipping hot down her cheeks. She shook his arm so hard his whole body stumbled. The huge statues came around the corner, running for her without feet, chasing her, somehow faster than she was. They were forcing her in the direction they wanted her to go, but she didn't want to go that way. She knew what was waiting for her there.
"Zack!" she screamed. "Zack!" He just stood there, full-grown but still in his Manticore gown, unseeing. "Help me!" she yelled. He looked at her, somehow without eyes, spoke from a mouth that wasn't there.
"I told you not to call me. I'm busy with Max." Then he faded into nothing and disappeared. Syl gaped at the spot he'd vacated. She turned and ran, away from the statues. She saw a door and went through it. Brin was there, looking just like she was supposed to, smiling, holding out her arms.
"Brin!" Syl cried, falling into her embrace. Pain exploded through her and she pulled back. Brin had turned into Ben, with a sinister look on his face, a smile that was cruel. He'd plunged a knife into her side, and now he pulled it up and raised it again to slay her.
"I'm happy," he kept saying. "Now you will be too." She backed away from him and screamed again, but no sound came out. She hurled the door behind her and the statues were there again, chasing her, always chasing her. She turned and ran and slammed into someone. It was Krit, with a face. He smiled down at her, took her shoulders, kissed her. He held up a small box, opened it, revealed a diamond ring.
"Marry me," he said.
"I can't, not now, they're chasing me."
"Marry me," he said again.
"Krit!" She reached for him, shook him. "They're chasing me!" The statues were getting closer. She grabbed his hand and started to run, but the ring fell to the floor and he stopped to pick it up. The statues loomed over him. "Krit!" she yelled. "Come on!" He turned to her, still bent, on one knee, and smiled.
"Marry me," he said again. She gaped at him, took a step toward him, a step back. She bit her lip, the tears burning her cheeks.
"I... I can't," she whispered.
"Syl-" he said, but she turned and ran and only when she heard him screaming as he was murdered by the statues did she look. There was nothing left of his body, but the floor was running bright red with his blood. A scream caught in her throat as the statues moved on her again and she knew they would chase her where she didn't want to go. She sighed and wiped at her tears and walked into a big room with broken windows, the paint peeling on the walls and dead trees forming the landscape outside. The statues stopped outside and she closed the door. The air smelled like rotting dead things, and she saw the awfully-familiar huge bed in the corner, the sickly-cheerful rose petal design on the quilt, thorns jarring angrily from stems. She walked over.
She saw herself at thirteen, but instead of being tied to the headboard she was sitting upright, looking out the window, her back to Syl. She walked over slowly and sat next to the girl, who turned to her, ventured a smile. She held out her arms and Syl looked down.
"Caleb," the girl said, pulling aside the bundle of blankets in her arms to reveal a tiny, perfect baby, his dark hair and eyes staring up at her. A sob caught in Syl's throat and she reached for the child. The girl, her younger self, shrugged away.
"No," she said. "He's mine. You gave him to me. You gave both of them to me, but I'm keeping this one."
"Both of them?" Syl asked. The girl gestured without looking to the other side of the room, cooing softly at the baby in her arms. Syl turned, already knowing what she would see, and sure enough there was the baby girl on the floor, blood everywhere, against the walls, the curtains, staining bright. She turned back to the girl.
"It was the other way around," she said. "He died. That one lived." The girl looked at her sharply.
"Don't tell him that," she snapped.
"It's true."
"I'm taking him back and you can't stop us."
"Back?"
"Back home. To Manticore."
"That's not home." Syl reached for the boy. "Give me my son."
"Why, so you can hurt him again?" The girl smacked her hand away. "Like you hurt me? Like you hurt her?" She gestured at the dead baby. Syl opened her mouth to speak, but she heard heavy footsteps outside and paled. Her foster uncle was coming.
"Come on," she said urgently. "We have to go."
"You did all of this!" Her younger self started sobbing and didn't move. "This is all your fault! You're supposed to be a soldier. Why the hell didn't you fight? Why didn't you save them? Why didn't you save me?"
"I tried! It wasn't my fault he made me leave!"
"It's not his fault! You could have stayed behind! Not everyone went!"
"I was afraid!"
"When aren't you?" The girl's eyes flashed. She stood up and glared. The baby in her arms woke and started crying. "I'm ashamed to have to tell him who his mother is!" she yelled. "I'm ashamed to be you!" The girl smacked Syl hard and she stumbled. The baby's cries rose until the whole room was flooded with them. Then the door opened, but it wasn't her Uncle John who came in.
"No!" the girl screamed. Syl tore her eyes away from Lydecker and saw with horror that Caleb was spitting up blood, choking on it. "You destroy everything you touch!" the girl screamed, sobbing. The baby fell dead from her arms and the child backed against the wall, screaming, her hands covered in blood. Syl blinked and Lydecker became the horribly familiar image of her foster uncle again. He advanced on the girl and reached for her, scratched at her stomach. Blood seeped out of the girl's torn womb and mixed with Caleb's on the floor.
"Stop hurting us!" she screamed at Syl. "Stop hurting me and leave your children alone! Stop hurting Krit, you said you would protect him!"
"I'm not-" Syl started, but the girl cut her off with a shriek as she was thrown onto the bed by her foster uncle.
"Look at me!" her younger self screamed as he climbed over her. He gripped her throat.
"Shut up," he snarled.
Somehow, without a voice, the girl cried, "Save me!" Syl looked at the child. And she stood there. She didn't move.
Syl's eyes snapped open and she released her breath shakily. When she
adjusted to the darkness she glanced at Krit and passed her hand over his
sleeping face and through his hair, smiling softly at him. She slipped out of
bed and padded down the hall into the kitchen, splashed cold water on her face.
The clock said it was 4:19am. Syl grabbed the phone, dialled. It rang eight
times.
"Hello?" Somehow Brin managed to sound cheerful even when annoyed.
"It's Syl. I'm sorry."
"Just a second." Brin was whispering. A moment later she said, "Okay, what's up?"
"Is Greg there?"
"It's alright, we were sleeping."
"I'm sorry, Brin."
"Syl," she said, her voice light and gentle at the same time. "It's okay. What's wrong?"
"I had the dream again."
"The faceless Zack dream?"
"Yeah."
"You haven't had that in a while. Why's it back?"
"I don't know."
"Are you stressed about anything? How are things with Krit?"
"Great." She smiled a little. "Thanks to you mostly."
"Yeah, yeah." Syl could hear the smile in her voice.
"No, really," she said. "You're the best thing that's happened to this relationship. I never would have been able to get through all my screwed-up stuff without you, Brin."
"It's an ongoing process."
"Which is why I'm calling now," Syl agreed. "I'm so sorry."
"Stop apologizing, it's okay, really! Now let's analyze this... so things are okay with you and Krit... You're not still stressing about the whole Zane thing are you?"
"No, I called him and we talked it all out."
"Okay, good. Hmm... are you pregnant?" At this, Syl paled.
"I'd better not be. We've been careful."
"Well, you're due for another heat cycle soon, aren't you?"
"I'm not sure. They've been all screwed up since-" Syl broke off. There was a short silence.
"Since what?"
"Never mind," she said quickly. "Anyway, when I have my next one then I'll know for sure. So I'll tell you."
"Okay." Brin let it go and Syl was grateful for that. "So do you feel any better?"
"Talking to you always makes me feel better, Brin."
"Are you trying to butter me up for any reason in particular?" Brin's voice was wry.
"Come with us," Syl said. "To New York. Don't you want to see Ben?"
"Actually, no," Brin said frankly. "But even if I did, I'm just too tired. I'm getting time off work starting on Monday, though, so hopefully I'll be better. But I doubt I'd be very much help to you anyway."
"We're not going to attack him, Brin."
"What exactly do you think you're going to do?" she asked quietly. Syl was momentarily halted.
"Well, it was Jondy's idea," she said finally. "I don't know what she's thinking. I guess she'll fill us in when she calls."
"How are you and Jondy?"
"The usual. Not killing each other, not telling each other all our secrets either." Syl hesitated. "Hey, Brin?"
"Yeah?"
"Speaking of secrets, what was all that the other day with your first heat?" she asked. There was a short silence.
"What does it matter?" Brin asked finally. "It was a long time ago."
"I'm just curious," she pressed gently. "And with me going to New York we probably won't be able to talk much for a while."
"Yeah..." Brin trailed off.
"You said I was there. When-" she broke off, blinked.
Syl was about thirteen; it had been maybe two months since Zack had
saved her from her foster uncle. She felt a draft and yawned, her eyes
fluttering open. She rubbed her eyes and glanced beside her; Brin wasn't lying
next to her anymore. She looked up and saw her quietly walking toward the door.
"Brin?" she called sleepily. "Something wrong?" Her sister smiled and turned back.
"Nothing," she said. "I'll be right back. I think I'll open a window, too. It's hot in here."
"I'm fine," Syl said. "I'm actually a little chilly."
"Oh, okay."
"Is Zack still asleep?" Syl asked, yawning again.
"I think so. It's still really early." She smiled and touched Syl's head. "Go back to sleep, little sister." Syl yawned, nodded, pulled the blankets more tightly around her shoulders. A moment later she had dozed off again.
"Brin," Syl gasped. "You and... Zack?"
"Oh," she said. Syl could hear the flush in her voice. "So you figured it out."
"Brin!"
"Look, it was a long time ago and I'd rather not discuss it. It was the first time... and we didn't even know..." Her voice was quiet, pained.
"Oh, God." Syl bit her lip in sympathy for her, and for Zack, as she realized what Brin meant, that neither of them had known what was going on, hadn't known why they couldn't control themselves. And they were so young. "Oh, Brin..."
"The only thing more uncontrollable than an X5 female in heat is an X5 male around her..." She was trying to make her voice light, but Syl could hear the pain in it still.
"Did it hurt, Brin?" she asked softly.
"Of course it hurt," she said shortly.
"I- I'm sorry..." Syl trailed off and Brin softened.
"It wasn't his fault. He couldn't stop himself." She hesitated. "I think that was maybe the most frightening experience of his life, Syl."
"His worst fear," she agreed softly. "To lose control... and hurt one of us."
"Poor Zack," Brin agreed.
"And you?"
"No, I was fine. It got better." Now Syl could hear a small smile in her voice. "It got way better." Syl flushed slightly, thinking of Zack and Brin like that. Brin went on tentatively, "Zack... he never really... recovered from it I don't think. But you'd know better than me. We don't talk much."
"The same thing almost happened once, with me." Syl realized how much everything made sense now. "He freaked. I mean, freaked."
"I remember. He brought me to look after you."
"Yeah, that's Zack." Syl smiled. "Looking out for us even when he's terrified."
"Terrified..." Brin let that word hang in the air uncomfortably for a moment. "I don't like associating that with him."
"We don't have to," she said, understanding immediately. "We can stop talking about it if you want to."
"No, it's okay," Brin assured her. "I just... it was so long ago. I don't think about it so much anymore, and I know Zack doesn't." Syl was surprised by something in her voice.
"You want him to think about it?" she asked.
"No, it isn't even like that. But it was more than just that one night, Syl..." Brin sighed. "Look, I said I didn't want to get into this."
"I'm so curious I may burst," Syl admitted. She smiled. "But whatever you want, Brin. We can always talk about this again."
"Of course. Maybe next time. I think Greg is waking up anyway. I've been talking for a while and I have work tomorrow, so I really should go, Syl."
"Sure," she said. "Sorry I pushed."
"Don't apologize." She heard the smile in Brin's voice. "You're my sister, this is what we're supposed to talk about."
"Okay, then you'd better get back to Greg, and I'd better get back to Krit. Goodnight, Brin."
"Goodnight, Syl. Thanks for listening."
"You too," she said softly. "I love you, Brin."
"I love you, too. Bye."
"Bye." Syl hung up the phone and sat there for a moment, staring at the receiver. Brin and Zack, Zack and Brin... her thoughts were racing.
"Syl!" she heard Krit call. "Where are you?" She smiled and walked back into their bedroom. Krit yawned and reached for her as she climbed into bed, pulling her into his arms. He kissed her shoulder.
"Hey," she said.
"Hey. What's up?"
"Nothing, just talking to Brin."
"Now?"
"I had a nightmare," she explained. His dark eyes met hers and he reached for her hand, squeezed.
"You could have woken me up."
"I know, but you looked so peaceful. And Brin has all her psychological babble that helps me somehow." She smiled and settled into his embrace, slipped her arms around him and ran a hand up his smooth back. He sighed into her hair and closed his eyes. The phone rang. Syl groaned and leaned her head against his.
"Don't answer it," he whined. She laughed and reached across him to their bedside table.
"It could be important," she said, raising it to her ear. "Hello?"
"Syl!" Jondy was always so cheerful.
"Can't you call during daylight hours?" she grumbled. Jondy paused only momentarily.
"Yeah, anyway, Zane and I are ready to go. And Tinga. You coming still?"
"Of course."
"Good. We'll be there in two hours."
"Two- what?"
"Two hours. Is there static on your phone?"
"No," Syl growled. "Jondy, it's four am! We just got him from work three hours ago!"
"Well, sorry, sis," she said cheerfully. "But if it's any consolation it's three am here, so we'll be even more tired."
"That's great," Syl said dryly. "Don't let Zane or Tinga drive, they'll crash."
"As if I'd ever let them drive my car."
"Can I go so we can sleep now?" she asked, smiling wryly.
"Okay, if you really want to pass up a perfectly good conversation with me." She waited for Syl to reconsider and then sighed when she didn't. "Fine then," she said. "I'll see you in a couple of hours." Syl grunted something and hung up the phone. She groaned and rolled back into Krit's arms.
"You heard?"
"Yeah." He sighed.
"Well, I guess we should sleep."
"No, tell me about the dream," he answered, yawning in the middle of his sentence. She smiled and slipped a leg between his.
"Krit?" she said.
"Hmm?" he murmured.
"I love you." She felt him smile, pull her closer. His lips brushed lazily over her forehead.
"I love you, too," he said softly. She laid there for a long time listening to their mingled breathing, staring into the darkness.
"In my dream," she whispered finally. "Zack doesn't see me. He isn't there to protect me. And you were there this time- that was new. You wanted me to marry you... but I couldn't. I don't know why. I love you. I just... couldn't." She swallowed hard. "And then I went into the room. And I saw- me. Me when I was little." She was talking quickly but she couldn't stop now. "There was a baby- Caleb. And another one." She shivered slightly. Her voice was barely more than breath. "I don't know her name. Zack does, but not me. I'm her mother, Krit," Syl whispered. "She's mine." There was a long silence that was somehow more deafening than words.
"Say something," she breathed, glancing up at him nervously. His eyes were
closed; he was asleep. She stared at him for a long minute, dumbfounded. Finally
she laughed, and only then did she realize she was crying. And she honestly
didn't know if the tears were of sadness or relief.
