"It's me," she said, amazed at the calmness she was able to fake. "You're still not answering your emergency line and-" She stopped, played with the telephone cord for a moment. "Well, I guess you know that." She rolled her eyes at herself and tried to lighten her tone. "You'd better have a good reason for that, Zack." She stifled a sigh and cleared her throat. "It doesn't matter why, but I'm not home anymore. I'm going back to California... Krit's still in Colorado, but I'm not." Her voice was getting softer with each word and she forced herself to raise it. "Zack, I need you to call me. I don't care how busy you are, with Brin and everything I just need to hear from you. I need to know you're alright." She took a breath, pulled at the cord again, sighed. "I'll be at Zane's tomorrow. Bye, Zack." After a short pause she said, "I love you, okay? Call soon." Then she hung up the payphone, got back in her car, and resumed driving. The road was bright with the sun now; she'd been driving for hours. The snow had been less heavy on the road through New Mexico than it had been back in Colorado, and she'd been glad, wanting to get to Zane's as quickly as possible. The only problem was that she still hadn't decided whether or not she wanted him to be there when she arrived, but she still had a whole night to decide. She at least knew that she didn't want Jondy there. She didn't hate her sister as Jondy had claimed, but their personalities were too different, and it took a lot of effort on Syl's part to put up with her, effort that she simply didn't have at times like these.
Driving was mindless and it didn't seem long before night arrived again. She stopped at a motel in Arizona; Syl had never been to Flagstaff before but she wasn't interested in touring it. If she left first thing the next morning she'd be at Zane's by lunch time; before, if she got up early enough. She tossed her things onto the chair in her motel room and collapsed onto the bed, annoyed to find that she couldn't sleep.
She tried not to think about Krit, about what he was doing right now, about how his day had been in an empty apartment. She tried not to imagine how he was likely depressed, devastated, and she knew that it was all her fault. She glanced over at the chair through the darkness, looked at the small plastic bag from the drugstore she'd stopped at on her way out of Pueblo. She tried not to think of what was inside, but she'd have to because she'd promised to take that test and she knew she owed Krit that much. That and a lot more.
What she was doing wasn't fair, running away from him. She knew he needed her, that he craved comfort during catastrophes while she wanted solitude. They were so opposite it was amazing that- Syl's mind tried to shut off but she forced herself to finish the thought: it was amazing that she loved him so much. A tear slipped down her cheek but she was too tired to brush it away so it pooled against her lip, salty and ticklish. She shook her head to get rid of it and sighed. The ceiling blurred as more tears followed and she rolled over on the uncomfortable motel bed. The bag glared at her from the chair so she stood up, threw it into the bathroom, laid back down again. After an hour she slowly got up again, walked across the room, closed the bathroom door behind her out of habit more than necessity. She took the test, threw it out, climbed slowly back between the itchy blankets, and promptly fell asleep.
It was afternoon when she woke again, but she was too tired to care. She
went to the lobby to pay, begged an apple and a bottle of water from the clerk,
and ate for the first time in days. Then she got in her car and turned onto the
highway that would take her to Los Angeles. She remembered Zane's address but
was still nervous about going to him. She'd decided she did want him to be there
because she needed company... funny that she would decide that now, when that
was exactly what Krit had been begging for these past several days. But Zane was
different, easier. He was her little brother and nothing more, and that made it
all simpler.
She couldn't seem to stop crying. She burst into tears at several different times during the drive, and actually had to pull over once or twice. Most of the time she didn't even know what she was crying about. It was getting dark by the time she reached Los Angeles, and the signs blurred through more tears while she tried to find his street. This time was no different, and the tears came; she barely made it to Zane's building before she had to pull over. She turned off the car, dropped her head into her hands, and sobbed for a long time.
Her tears stopped in surprise when she heard the tap of cold, hard metal against her window. The door opened so fast that she had to grab the steering wheel so as not to tumble out onto the street.
"Get out," a voice came, hard, with an edge of nervousness to it. "Slowly." Syl stifled a sigh because she wasn't in the mood for a fight, but did as the guy said. A gun promptly pressed into her ribs and she was turned roughly to face the car. "Just you?" he asked, but before she could answer she felt his hand brush against her hair while he searched her, moving it aside. She froze as she realized her barcode had been exposed, but decided it was too dark for anyone to see it clearly and she doubted the guy was interested in studying her neck. Then the gun lowered, and the hands dropped. She turned around tentatively.
"Syl," he said, a grin on his face.
"Zane." She hugged him and almost laughed.
"You shouldn't sit outside a guy's apartment like that, Syl," he chided. "I thought you were Lydecker." His smile faded slightly and pain flashed in his eyes before he glanced away. "After Brin..." He didn't want to continue and she didn't want him to either.
"Zane," she said. "Can I stay with you for a while?" He blinked.
"Where's Krit?"
"Can we just go inside?" She lowered her voice as tears threatened again. "I'll explain everything."
"Okay," he said; they turned and started toward his building. He cast a sideways glance at her and smirked. "Just as long as you're not due for a heat cycle anytime soon."
"I'm really sorry about that, Zane," she whispered. A tear slipped down her cheek and his arm encircled her shoulders, squeezing her to his side as they walked.
"Hey, I was kidding." His voice was so gentle that it tore at her heart. She couldn't stop sobbing. Zane stopped and turned her in his arms, pulling her close. His dark eyes were filled with worry but he said nothing, asked nothing more. Her tears turned from sadness to relief and she was so glad she'd come here; finally she stopped crying altogether. When she pulled back his shirt was soaked.
"Sorry," she said as they continued toward the apartments. He gave her another squeeze.
"I can handle it," he said gently. She smiled at him.
"Thanks, baby brother," she whispered sincerely. They reached his building and he unlocked the door, shoving his gun into his belt and zipping his jacket over it so no one saw. They rode the elevator upstairs and she tried not to think of the last time she was here, with Krit, at her last heat cycle. Zane seemed to read her thoughts and glanced at her.
"You guys left it quite a mess," he joked, but she didn't laugh.
"Sorry," she whispered. Zane frowned, touched her hair lightly.
"What's wrong?" he asked; the elevator doors parted and when she didn't answer he sighed and led her to his apartment, unlocked it, closed the door behind them. "Just wait here for a second," he said. She nodded and watched him walk further into the apartment, then leaned against the wall and hugged herself, suddenly very tired though she'd overslept that morning. She heard him coming back and glanced up, started to smile. But it wasn't just Zane; a woman was with him, and looking very upset. Syl's eyes widened.
"Oh my God," she hissed at him, her face reddening. "You didn't tell me you had someone here!"
"It's okay," he said, sounding bemused, as though he couldn't understand why this was a problem. "She understands." The girl pulled on her shoes and grabbed her jacket, not looking at all like she understood. She pushed roughly past his outstretched hands, pulling open the door. Pausing momentarily, she looked at Syl.
"You don't look like his sister," she snapped.
"Only half," she answered quickly. The girl narrowed her eyes at her, glanced at Zane.
"It was nice to meet you," she muttered to Syl, and shut the door behind her. Syl and Zane stood there for a moment; he looked absolutely confused. She motioned to the door and he raised his eyebrows at her.
"What?"
"Go."
"Now?"
"No, next week," she said sarcastically. "Of course now." She pushed at him. "Go!"
"Oh," he said. "Okay, I'll be right back."
"Take your time." She almost laughed when he was outside because he was so cute, and she realized he'd been telling the truth when he'd said that he'd never had a bad breakup. He didn't even know what to do with that girl's reaction. She went into the living room and felt something soft brush against her legs; she jumped but it was just Zane's German Shepard, who she'd met when she and Krit had borrowed his apartment. They'd had to lock her out of the room.
"Hey, Kia," she said, scratching her behind the ears. The dog tilted her head and closed her eyes in happiness; she was such a sweetie. Syl gave her a friendly slap on the side and went into the kitchen to pour herself a glass of water, the dog following her, its nails clicking on the linoleum. She waited for Zane and he was gone for only ten minutes before he came back. He had a goofy smile on his face and lipstick smeared against his lips.
"She understood," he informed her with a grin.
"Zane," she said. "You are amazing." She followed him into the living room and they sat on his sofa. Kia jumped into his lap even though she was far too large, but Zane didn't seem to mind. He scratched her behind the ears and smiled.
"You can sleep here tonight," he said. "Jondy says it's comfortable. Or you can sleep in my bed and I'll sleep here. Whatever." Syl smiled.
"Here will be fine," she said. There was a short silence and then Zane cleared his throat, smiled.
"So are you going to tell me now or do I have to call Krit?" Her eyes flew to his in shock and he sighed. "I was joking again, Syl," he said gently. He tipped his head a little at her. "This is big, isn't it?" She stood up and went to the window.
"Maybe it's over," she whispered. She glanced at him. "Forever, I mean."
"Why?" he asked. She reached out and ran her hands along the glass, felt it cool and smooth against her fingertips. She shrugged but didn't turn around.
"Because I'm an idiot."
"Well," he said, sounding a little relieved. "That's not too bad." She glanced at him.
"You think he's good for me?"
"I think he's great for you, Syl," he said. She nodded, tapped her nails against the glass. Her vision blurred and she blinked, turned away.
"Me too," she whispered. She sat down beside him again. "But I just needed to leave."
"So why did you come here?" he asked softly.
"I couldn't go to Jondy," she said. "And what with Tinga's family it just wouldn't be feasible." She lowered her voice slightly. "I couldn't call Zack..."
"So I was the next best thing to three people, huh?" he asked, half-joking. Her eyes widened and she quickly shook her head.
"No, of course not." She smiled at him. "Those are just the practical reasons." She smiled at him. "You've always been a kind, understanding person who never judges anyone, Zane." He flushed.
"Wow, you really know how to flatter someone, Syl," he said, grinning.
"It's true," she said. He flushed redder, ran a hand through his hair, yawned.
"What time is it?"
"Oh," he said. "Late."
"We should sleep."
"Yeah." He stood up but hesitated. "Are you sure you don't want to talk? Because I can stay."
"It's okay," she said. "We'll have lots of time to talk."
"How long are you going to visit?"
"I'll go whenever you want me to," she said quickly. "I know I kind of just sprung myself-"
"No, no," he cut her off, smiling. "That's not what I meant. Stay as long as you need to, it's no problem. I was just wondering." Syl smiled at him, then sighed.
"I don't know how long," she admitted. He nodded slowly, stood up, depositing Kia on the floor. She looked at him, tail wagging, and waited.
"Okay," he said. "Goodnight, Syl."
"Goodnight, Zane." She smiled. "Thanks." He smiled back and got her some sheets, a few blankets, asked her if she was sure she'd be warm enough. She wondered where he'd learned to be so hospitable; it seemed like second nature to him. When he was satisfied with her sleeping arrangements he turned and left with the dog, and Syl settled back into the sofa. He was right: it was comfortable.
Zane had been up for hours when her eyes opened just before noon. Kia was
trailing him around the kitchen, tail wagging and tongue lolling. Syl yawned and
pushed off her blankets, standing up and heading for the bathroom. When she
emerged again she smelled something cooking.
"What are you making?" she asked, walking into the kitchen. He turned and smiled at her.
"Pizza." He showed her the homemade concoction that vaguely resembled what he'd identified it as and she smiled. "Want some?"
"Please. But I need a bath first."
"There's hot water," he said. "You can shower if you want to." She raised her eyebrows at him.
"In California?" she asked, surprised; she'd never had it in her Sacramento place and she knew Jondy didn't from various complaints of her sister's. She could remember Brin mentioning that she'd had to heat water too whenever she wanted- Syl's eyes widened as she realized she'd just thought about Brin without feeling pain. Immediately guilt coursed through her.
"I owe Zack," Zane said. "This is a great apartment he found for me." His smile faded as he experienced a similar reaction to the one she'd just had, and they both stood in silence for a moment.
"I left a message the other day," Syl said softly. "Told him I'd be here." She touched his shoulder. "He'll call," she said, not sure if she was lying or not. She dropped her hand. "Anyway," she said, "I hope he'll call."
"He will," Zane said quietly. "He has to." She nodded slowly, understood perfectly.
"Yeah," she said. She forced false lightness into her voice. "I'm going to have a shower then." Zane nodded.
"Okay."
"Save me some pizza."
"I will," he said. She nodded, took a deep breath, stepped back. She went into the bathroom and turned on the water, revelled at the feeling of it sliding warm over her hands. She got in and washed her long hair, its blondness half natural and half from the sun. Her hands lingered for a moment over her stomach and her heart froze. She had to call Krit, but she didn't want to. She decided to wait until he was at work, because she didn't think she'd be able to deal with his voice. She would cry, or worse not, and he would say he loved her and she would have to answer something, somehow, but what?
When she was done washing Syl shut off the water and got out of the shower. She towelled herself off, pulled her clothes back on and realized they were the only ones she had. She joined Zane in the kitchen where he'd set a plate of pizza across the table for her. It was surprisingly delicious.
"I have no clothes," she announced.
"So go shopping," he answered, grinning. She considered that for a moment.
"I have no money," she said. Zane leaned over in his chair so much that she was sure he would fall, but he didn't and pulled open a drawer instead. She craned her neck to see and took in the neatly organized arsenal of two handguns, a handful of grenades, and even a few dozen explosives. There was more, but she couldn't see the entire drawer. Zane pulled out a yellow envelope and tossed it to her. She caught it and opened it, found a few thousand dollars in crisp hundred-dollar bills inside.
"Take a grand," he said, biting off another bit of his pizza. He smiled. "Get some really nice clothes."
"Where'd you get all this?" she asked, taking out the amount he'd suggested and putting the envelope back where it came from.
"Half of it is Zack's last two allowances," he said. Syl nodded, knowing that Zack brought them all money every three months, always at least two thousand, often more. Well, all of them except Max and Ben anyway, being that Ben was cut off and he hadn't made contact with Max until a few weeks ago. But she suspected Zack had always had his own way of helping them too.
"What are you saving for?" she asked. Zane shrugged.
"Nothing, really. A rainy day. A really good gun." He smiled; at first glance he didn't seem like the kind of guy who would love weapons so much, but he really did. Secretly Syl thought it was because he liked to take them apart, like he did with so many other things.
"Are you still a mechanic?" she asked.
"Sure," he said. "Of course. I love that job."
"You always liked that exercise where they made us take apart and reassemble our machine guns." She shook her head, made a face. "I always hated it. For about two months I kept putting the last two pieces back in the wrong order."
"Well," he said. "Give yourself a break. You were four." She smiled.
"Yeah, I guess." She waved the thousand dollars at him. "Thanks for this. I'll pay you back." He shrugged.
"Whatever. I've got more than I need anyway." He took another bite of his pizza.
"This is really good," she said, finishing her first piece. He smiled.
"Glad you like it."
"What time do you leave?" she asked. "For work, I mean."
"What day is it?"
"Um... Thursday?"
"Okay. 4:00 then. Today's a short day. I get off at 9:00. Why, you want to do something?"
"Maybe. You could show me Los Angeles." She smiled. "I've never been here."
"No?" He looked surprised. "It's a pretty fun place. Of course, some people will tell you this is nothing compared to how it was before the Pulse." He shrugged. "But I was nine when that happened and I wasn't even here, so I'm not disappointed." He stood up and put his plate in the sink. "Tonight," he said. "We'll do something. Jondy likes to hit the clubs when she's here. Are you into that?" Syl shook her head.
"Not really," she said. "Too many people too close together." He nodded.
"Yeah, that's what I think. She likes it though." He shrugged. "Anyway, we can do something else. Go for a walk, a drive. I could show you some of the old studio sets in Hollywood they never took down. They're creepy in a fun way." He smiled. "I'm easy."
"I have to phone Krit tonight," she said. Zane paused.
"Doesn't he work at night?"
"Yeah."
"Okay," he said after a moment. She sighed and finished her last slice of pizza.
"Thanks for lunch," she said. "I'll make dinner."
"I like cooking," he said, taking her plate and dumping it in the sink with his own. "Anyway, stop acting like a houseguest." He grinned. "You're my sister, Syl." She gazed at him for a moment, nodded.
"Right," she whispered. There was a long silence before Zane frowned, left the dishes, walked over.
"You should go home, Syl," he said quietly. His hand was soft against her hair. "I know you want to."
"I can't," she said, shrugging away from him. "I acted so stupid. I was selfish and mean and-"
"Upset," he finished for her. "That's okay, you know." That's okay, you know. Syl's heart caught; Brin used to always say that. Zane continued softly, "We all are right now. I'm sure he wants you to go back too." Syl sat there for a long time staring at the table, at her hands. She felt her lip trembling and hated it, hated herself.
"I miss her," she said quietly. A tear slipped down her cheek and then she couldn't stop them anymore. "I miss her so much." She heard Zane pull over a chair, felt him sit down next to her. His arms wrapped around her and she leaned in close, sighed through her tears.
"I know," he murmured. "So do I."
"Krit doesn't understand," she whispered. "He wants to move on but I'm not ready yet, Zane." Her voice shook. "I'm not ready."
"Neither am I," he agreed. "It's alright. We were closer to her, Syl."
"It hurts so much," she sobbed. His arms tightened around her.
"I know," he said softly. "It's okay, shshsh." Syl pulled back a little, offered him a weak smile. He returned it, glanced down at himself. "Looks like I'll have to change my shirt again. You're bad for laundry, Syl." He was trying to lighten the mood and she managed a smile. She reached up to run a hand through his hair, touched his face. She leaned forward and kissed his cheek without really thinking about it. He gave her a small smile.
"Thanks, Zane," she whispered, gazing at him, happy that he understood. His expression flickered with something for a moment, then he glanced from her eyes to the floor, back to her eyes.
"Well," he said after a moment. He cleared his throat. "I understand how you
feel, Syl." His voice was soft. "It's okay to be sad." He smiled a little,
reached up for her hand, took it from his cheek and squeezed. She entwined her
fingers with his and gazed at him for a long time; he held her eyes, his dark
ones so soft staring into hers. She knew he was surprised when she slipped a
hand behind his head to pull him down for a kiss, but she was a long way past
caring now.
