"Yeah," she said. "I guess it is."
"You want me to cut it?" he asked. They didn't go to hairdressers; it was too easy for the stylist to see their barcodes, too easy for their bubbly personalities to make them mention the interesting tattoo to others. Too much of a security risk. All Zack's points of course, and Syl suspected he or one of the others had had a close call once to inspire this particular rule. So, most of them had become good at cutting their own hair or, if they were lucky enough to be in contact with some of their siblings, the hair of other people.
"You sure you know what you're doing?" Syl asked, edgy. She actually
heard a soft laugh from where Zack was standing behind her and she turned her
head slightly to smirk at him. He put his hand against her face and turned her
head back around gently. Syl obeyed, rolling her eyes and tapping her hands
against her thighs impatiently. The baby kicked in response and she rubbed a
hand over her stomach gently, soothing it. Zack's hands were careful against her
hair, the snipping of the scissors precise and quick.
"Almost done," he said when she started to squirm.
"I'm hungry."
"In a minute."
"I want something weird," she warned him, sensing a craving coming on for a very strange combination of food.
"Whatever you want," he said absently. "Just give me two more minutes." She watched the clock on the wall tick off the seconds, knowing Zack was always accurate on estimate times for task completion. Sure enough, at one minute fifty-eight seconds, he put the scissors on the counter and stepped back. "Done," he announced. Syl stood up with the awkwardness she was now getting used to in the later stages of her pregnancy, looked in the mirror over the sink. It was quite a decent haircut, and she smiled.
"Thanks."
"Sure," Zack said, cleaning up the hair. "Now what did you want to eat?" Syl turned back to him.
"Chocolate ice cream," she said. "With mustard on it." Even hearing the names of the food out loud made her mouth water. She had to give Zack credit when he didn't even cringe.
"Okay," he said. "But we don't have any mustard." As she felt mood swing-induced tears threatening he quickly added, "I'll run to the store," and she grinned happily. He shook his head at her, smiling, already reaching for his jacket.
Syl looked at Krit and shrugged.
"No, I think I'd like to keep it this way. I haven't had it long before, and I like the things Tinga does with her hair." That was actually half the reason; in the past with them hair-cutting had somehow, strangely, always led to sex, and she didn't want that, wasn't ready for it. Krit nodded and glanced away. There was an awkward silence as the two of them sat there, and then he smiled.
"So," he said, attempting nonchalance. "Hungry?"
"Not really."
"Thirsty?"
"I'm good, Krit."
"Do you want to go out? Walk or something?" At her less than enthusiastic expression, he asked, "Want to spar? I feel like doing something."
"I'd actually just like to read," she said, then added quickly, "But you can go out if you want. Don't let me stop you." After she'd said that he sat there for a few moments, quietly.
"Okay," he said finally. He stood up, grabbed his jacket. The door slammed a little too loudly on his way out and Syl sighed. The words on the pages blurred together and she suddenly realized she didn't even know what she was reading anymore. The book dropped to the floor and she sat up, fidgeted. The apartment was quiet, still, almost claustrophobic. She looked around, saw the phone, grabbed for it, dialled.
"Hello?" Zane answered on the third ring.
"It's me."
"That was fast," he remarked, a smile in his voice. "I thought you'd make it at least another week before calling again."
"Things are tense here."
"You've got to try, Syl," he said softly, and she felt annoyance rise in her.
"Don't give me that," she hissed, then softened. "I need you not to be like Krit, okay?"
"Okay, okay," he said. "I'm sorry. We'll talk about other stuff."
"Are you alone?"
"Surprisingly yes."
"How come?"
"I don't know. I just am." His words made her uncomfortable so she thought of another topic.
"What's new with Jondy?" she asked. "Tinga? Have you heard from them? I called Tinga when I got here but I haven't really talked to either of them since we left."
"They're good," Zane said. "Tinga enrolled Case in soccer, and she's all involved. She's a soccer mom. Can you imagine?"
"Actually yes," Syl said, a smile on her lips. She could just see Tinga car-pooling, jumping up and down on the sidelines of the field, screaming for the victory of Case's team.
"I guess we all have our own ways of dealing with what's happened," he said. "Tinga's keeping busy. Jondy's clinging to me."
"So you're not alone," Syl said, her voice devious. She could almost hear him blush.
"She doesn't count."
"Wow, I'm sure she'd love to hear that."
"You know what I mean."
"Couch or bed?"
"Bed..."
"Hah!"
"Not with me," he hissed. "I'm on the couch."
"Oh." She pouted. "How did you get stuck with that?"
"I offered. I felt bad about her always crashing on the sofa. Besides, she's there like one tenth of the time anyway."
"Yeah, well, that's sweet," she said. "Especially considering she doesn't sleep." She smiled to herself a little. "But she does like you Zane." He didn't say anything for a while.
"Can we talk about something else?" he asked finally, his voice soft. She was surprised.
"I'm sorry, I didn't..."
"It's okay," he said softly. "I just-" He sighed. "To be honest I'm not really sure what to do with that. So I'd rather just not talk about it right now."
"Is she there?"
"Yeah. Reading. You want to talk to her?"
"Sure."
"Okay. But don't-"
"Zane," she cut him off gently. "I won't. Don't worry."
"Okay," he said again, and there was silence on the line for a few minutes.
"Hey, Syl," Jondy chirped, almost as cheerful as usual. Syl braced herself.
"Hey, Jondy."
"What's up?"
"Nothing, just wanted to say hi."
"Yeah?" It depressed Syl that her sister sounded so surprised.
"Tell me what you've been up to," she said, and listened while Jondy described the various things she and Zane were doing, the clubs they'd seen, the restaurants they'd eaten at, the people they'd met. She listed to her little sister's voice as it rose and fell in various stages of excitement, and remembered now that there was a quality to Jondy that was almost therapeutic sometimes.
"When you grow up, it goes away." They all listened en rapt to Ben;
Syl never wondered how he knew the things he knew. He just did. "That's
why none of them have it, but we do."
"Does it just fade into your skin?" Brin asked, and Ben nodded immediately.
"Once you've proven yourself," he said. "Once you've shown that you're a good soldier."
"Well how do you do that?" Mina asked, exchanging a look with Sade. Ben paused, frowned.
"Just work hard," Zack cut in. "And listen to me." Syl looked at him and nodded gravely. Jondy's gaze found hers and their eyes locked. "Time for sleep," Zack announced, and their siblings turned and headed for their beds. Jondy went to the window and Zack frowned.
"Come on," she called to Syl. Krit glanced up and started toward her.
"Jondy," Zack said.
"I can't sleep," she told him what he already knew. Krit joined her and Syl started for them, but Zack caught her hand.
"Not too long," he said. She nodded, went to her brother and sister, helped them open the window so they could shimmy up the drain pipe, climb out onto the roof. Somehow, together without any need for communication about it, they all stayed away from the Blue Lady's altar. This wasn't a ceremony, they just wanted to sit on the High Place and look at the stars.
"Do you really think Ben's right?" Syl asked after a long time of sitting on the edge of the roof, unafraid of the three-storey height because she knew she could land on her feet. Krit and Jondy turned to her and she continued, "About the marks. Do you really think they'll go away?"
"Maybe," Krit said. Jondy reached up and touched her fingers lightly against Syl's barcode, tickling, causing her half-inch of blonde hair to prickle as her scalp shivered.
"I hope not," Jondy said softly, withdrawing her hand. Krit and Syl exchanged a look, glanced at her.
"What?" they asked in unison. Jondy stood up, smiled down at them.
"It's what makes us a family," she said, and turned away, went back down to the barracks. Krit and Syl sat and thought about that for a while, realized she might be right, because the adults didn't seem to have the same close structure as they did. The only difference between them and the adults that had never changed their whole lives was that mark on the back of their necks, and the adults' lack of it.
"Syl?" Krit whispered, cuddling up close to her side. "I'm cold." She slipped an arm around his shoulders, squeezed, knowing they were dressed poorly for the late winter weather, that the ties keeping their night attire on were no protection against the cold.
"Do you want to go back in?" she asked, but he shook his head.
"Look at the stars," he said, his eyes shining as he gazed up at the sky. She followed his line of sight and looked at them, the way they gleamed and sparkled. "How many are there, Syl?"
"I don't know," she said. "Lots."
"Do you think anyone's ever counted them?"
"Maybe. It would be hard."
"Syl?" he asked quietly after a short silence.
"Hmm?"
"I don't want to go in," he whispered, leaning his head soft against her shoulder. "I don't want to go in for a long time."
"Me neither," she said, turning to smile at him, running a hand over his head, pulling him closer. They looked up and watched the stars gleaming and growing brighter as the sky darkened more and more.
"Syl?"
"Huh?"
"You spaced out there for a minute," Jondy said.
"Oh, sorry." She smiled. "What were you saying?"
"It's okay."
"No, I was interested, really. Go on."
"Hey, Syl?"
"Yeah?"
"I'm really glad you wanted to talk to me."
"I know," Syl said, her voice soft. "I'm sorry I don't do it more often."
"I bug you."
"It's not that, it's just-"
"It is that," Jondy cut her off, low but calm. "You're too sad all the time to put up with me." Syl said nothing for a moment.
"Is that what you think?"
"It's true."
"Tell me."
"Why? You don't want to hear it."
"I do," Syl said honestly, softly. "I really do." Her sister said nothing for a long time, then finally spoke.
"The way you treated Krit after Brin disappeared, after Zack was gone... that was horrible, Syl." Her voice was determined. "You left him when he needed you most."
"I-"
"Don't try to justify it." Syl realized now that the soft quality to Jondy's voice was more anger than gentleness, but in a calm way that only she could pull off. "It's wrong. It's wrong to treat him that way when he's feeling just like all of us, like his heart's been torn out." Syl sighed a little.
"Jondy, you don't understand."
"We lost a brother too, Syl. Maybe you were closer to him than the rest of us, but we all loved him and we all needed him."
"This was a bad idea," she said, but her sister kept on.
"And we loved Brin, too."
"Jondy, stop it."
"You know Zack had to do this. It doesn't mean that Krit would." When she said that Syl couldn't help but rebel against the words, try to explain.
"You don't know that. You can't say that."
"Sure I can," Jondy said gently, her voice full of pain. "You're who Krit loves, right here. And Max is who Zack loves. He had to do what he did. The same thing isn't going to happen with you guys." Syl said nothing for a long time.
"Zack... loves..." She stopped talking and heard Jondy's small sigh.
"He loves her," she said softly. "He does, and not the same way it is with any of us. He's in love with her." Weariness and resignation settled over Syl because she knew Jondy was right, couldn't deny it, wanted to. "Krit won't leave you," Jondy continued. Syl was silent again; how did Jondy know that she'd left Krit so he couldn't leave her first? Was she that obvious?
"You don't understand," Syl said again. "It's not as simple as you make it sound." She heaved a sigh. "What about when I go into heat? What happens when we have a baby and Lydecker finds out because one of us slips up?"
"Tinga's doing fine."
"One day we're going to lose her, too, Jondy, and I don't want-" Syl broke off; it was too painful to keep speaking and she was shocked at what she'd just said.
"What, you don't want that to that happen with Krit, so instead you're going to make sure you're not close to him anymore, so if he does get caught it won't matter?"
"Of course it would matter," Syl hissed angrily.
"Listen to me. You're an idiot, Syl. Snap out of it. Stop being so selfish."
"You have no idea-"
"That your life sucks? What, you had a bad foster home, you've been through some rough times? Well newsflash for you, Syl, we all have. The highlight of my life was one month in the tenth grade and only because Zack screwed up and Zane ended up in the same high school as me. Do you get that? The highlight of my life was one month three years ago. I've been through some pretty bad crap, okay? You have no idea, alright? If I had someone like Krit-" She sucked her breath in, continued, "Let's just say I wouldn't throw it away this time. I'm giving you some sisterly advice here." Her voice was getting increasingly angry. "Listen or not, I don't care. Just stop moping around feeling sorry for yourself when we all miss Brin and we all love Zack and we'd kill for what you and Krit have."
It took a moment for Syl to register that she'd been hung up on, to realize
that Jondy had been crying, at least at that last bit, and that she herself was
crying now. She put down the phone, sat in the silent apartment, waited for her
tears to stop. Then she grabbed her jacket and went after Krit.
