Ranma 1/2 characters and situations are copyright 1987, 1999
by Takahashi Rumiko. Publishing rights (Japan) by Shogakukan
Inc. Publishing rights (North America) by Viz Inc. This work is
not intended to infringe those rights.
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Pagliacci - A story of the world of Ranma 1/2
Chapter 5
***************************************************************
Irwin Schwab had trouble dealing with linear logic.
At least, that was the polite way of saying it. A somewhat more blunt person would describe Irwin as a candidate for permanent sedation and confinement.
Then again, Irwin himself went around telling people that he'd been raised by a television set.
Not that his parents had used one to babysit him, mind you. That his parent _WAS_ a television set. If anything, that sort of defines just how far out Mister Schwab's mind was.
Anyway...
Irwin was happy. It had been MONTHS since the last time he'd had a chance to be a sidekick to the Man of Steel. (Kal-El had thought of him as something other than a sidekick, but the words the Last Son of Krypton had _wanted_ to use were, for the most part, the sort that would have caused Mrs. Kent to wash his mouth out with soap.)
Now that WONDERFUL person, Sideshow Bob, had found him another hero he could be a sidekick to! Oh, Glorious DAY!
He started to pack a small suitcase, then stopped. If he could teleport to Japan (and he could), then he could teleport BACK just as easily. Hey, Japan could be a daily _commute_! PERFECT! He didn't even have to move out of his apartment!
There was a soft *pop* of displaced air, and Irwin Schwab vanished. About thirty minutes later, in a similar *pop*, he re-appeared, a confused look on his face.
"What's a passport?"
* * *
The ancient and honorable job of sidewalk superintendent is pretty much a universal one, known to all mankind. The urge to stop and stare at a building being constructed, demolished, or renovated rests deep within the breast of every human on earth.
The Japanese are simply more POLITE about it than most.
However, the building being renovated on Nerima's Ginza was different. Even for Nerima.
"Martial Arts Construction, you think?"
"Don't be silly. There's no such thing."
"You practice Tea Ceremony martial arts.."
"That's.. well, that's different."
"I don't know what it is, but he's pretty good with those shuriken."
"I think those are nails."
"I've heard of breaking bricks with your bare hands, but welding them back _together_?"
"Do you think he'd take students?"
"Are you thinking of signing up?"
"Couldn't hurt."
A young man in a leather jacket cruised by on a cheap motorcycle, then returned for a closer look.
"Hey, there, ya old man! What are you, some kinda fool? Think you can rebuild that old place all by yoursel..*Urk*"
A few bystanders blinked. One whistled softly.
"Wow. I've _heard_ gaijin say 'stick a brick in it', but I never thought I'd ever actually see.."
"Yeah. He even used mortar. That's got to hurt."
"Shouldn't someone call him a doctor?"
"Or a dentist?"
"I dunno. Don't you think calling a bricklayer would be more appropriate?"
* * *
Seamus grinned and wiped the sweat from his brow, staring at the repairs he'd just finished. Lilac came outside and joined him.
"Not bad for an old man, eh, Lilac?"
"Old man my ass, Seamus. You're younger than I am."
The American laughed. "That's not saying much, given that we're both older than dirt."
Lilac gave him a nasty look, then burst out laughing herself. "True enough." She waved a cell-phone at him. "The public utilities people will be here shortly to get the gas, power and water turned on. You ready for them?"
"Was there ever any doubt?" smirked Seamus.
"Only as to the size of your ego, old man," giggled Lilac.
"That reminds me. Where are the kids?"
"I sent Rin and Ran over to the Cat Cafe. I've got a feeling that the girls the Council and I sent after that boy will likely show up there, sooner or later. When they do, I want them here."
Seamus raised an eyebrow. "Do I want to know? More important, do I _need_ to know?"
Lilac frowned slightly. "It's bad enough with three young Amazons running around Nerima, even with Cologne and I keeping them under our thumbs, so to speak. A dozen more, with no Elder to ride herd on them? Think it through for yourself, Seamus."
"Nope. No way. I still remember what happened when that husband hunting party of yours ran into the Flying Tigers. Wasn't pretty." Seamus shook his head. "The sooner you get them under control, the better. In fact, now that you mention it, I have this sinking feeling that trouble's going to be following them to our doorstep."
"So what else is new?" snorted the Amazon Elder. "And I'll be needing your help controlling them."
"Won't there be a little problem with my gender, old friend?"
"First girl that mouths off to you, male or not, I expect you to tie them into a bow knot and play 'just how high into the sky can I kick you?' with them, Seamus. You're a Master of your school, and just as much entitled to respect as I or Cologne are."
"With us, that's not a whole hell of a lot, you know."
She frowned at him, then continued on. "If these kids don't learn that the world doesn't begin and end with the laws of our village, they won't last very long in Japan."
Seamus nodded. "This is going to make a lovely mess."
"And you wouldn't have it any other way."
"Awwww, you noticed. I'm touched."
* * *
*thud*
*thud*
*thud*
Maiku Kanazuchi was busy destroying a small concrete pillar covered with advertising posters. In traditional Neriman style, he was doing so by beating the pillar to death with his forehead.
I hate my life, he thought. Why did I EVER take this stupid case?
The sight of a flying minotaur overhead had startled Maiku. What he found even more unsettling was the fact that no one on the street seemed even slightly surprised. Even the officer in the local police box did nothing more than check his wrist watch and mutter something about pantyhose and "...he's early this month."
Maiku paused in his self-abuse and started across the street to ask the officer just what the HELL was going on. Hopefully, he might even get some information that might help him with his case.
That's when the stampede of women screaming for Happosai's blood (and various body parts) ran over him in the middle of the crosswalk.
"I think I'll just lie here and bleed for a while," he mumbled. Fortunately, the officer in the nearby police box pulled him to safety and called a doctor.
It was while Doctor Tofu (Tofu? wondered Maiku.) was bandaging him that he was treated to a brief lecture on magical curses, Jyusenkyo waters (both varieties, Instant and Permanent), chi-blasts, and a variety of other oddities that had been but briefly touched upon by both the newspapers and Cologne.
"What kind of insanity IS this?" gritted the detective as Tofu applied salve to a deep puncture wound in his calf.
"Off hand, from the looks of the wound, I'd say it was a stiletto heel with a steel cap and pink patent leather.. oh. You mean Furinkan?"
"OF COURSE I MEAN FURINKAN!"
"You needn't shout," replied Tofu in his calmest bedside manner.
"I'M NOT.. shouting. Oh." Maiku bit his lip and tried to regain his temper. "So, you're saying that _all_ of Nerima is basically just as insane as Tomobiki?"
Tofu rubbed his chin thoughtfully. "Well, I can't speak for the rest of Nerima, and we don't have Oni princesses visiting Furinkan on a regular basis, but we do have vengeance-crazed martial artists arriving all the time, and the occasional prince from a Chinese / Indian / Tibetan / Nepalese / minor-kingdom-that-you've-never-even-heard-of does show up every other month or so. Usually to marry or kill someone. Often both at once. Occasionally, they even want to marry AND kill the same person."
"Excuse me?" blinked Maiku.
"Jyusenkyo curses," said Tofu sagely.
"Ahhh..." Then Maiku's shoulders slumped. "I never EVER should have taken this case."
"Case?" asked Tofu.
Maiku shook his head. "Professional courtesy, Doc. You don't blab about your patients, I don't blab about my clients. You know?"
It was Tofu's turn to nod. "In that case, Kanazuchi-san, I believe I have something you need." He turned to a glass-fronted cabinet and removed a large canister. Measuring out some of the contents, he poured them into a small paper sack which he handed to Maiku. "Two spoonfuls to a cup of hot water. Let it steep for at least two minutes. Have one cup in the morning, and one in the evening."
Maiku stared at the bag. "What is it?"
"The official morning drink of the people of Nerima. Trust me, it works wonders. Just don't drink more than two cups a day, and heed the warning label. Don't attempt to fly under your own power or try to outrun a locomotive. Trying to outrun streetcars is silly, but safe."
Maiku took the bag gingerly, noting the label on the canister it had come from. "Packaged in Nerima. You know, that really explains a lot."
Tofu smiled. "Yes, it does, doesn't it."
* * *
Gosunkugi took a deep breath and prepared himself for desperate combat. The UPS driver had just arrived with a package.
"Oh Hi-chan!" caroled his mother. She held a small box wrapped in brown paper in her hands. The battle was joined.
"Mother.. PLEASE! No more!"
Oichi's eyes narrowed, and she went straight for the big guns.
"WAAAAAAHHHHHH! My son doesn't love me any more! WAHHHHHHH!"
Hikaru immediately began to crumble under the assault. "I'm SORRY! I'm SORRY! I'll wear it!"
The tears vanished almost magically, and his mother held the box out to him. "I'm certain you'll love it, Hi-chan! It's MOST heroic-looking."
Having seen an ad for a certain imported movie circled in yesterday's paper, Gos immediately suspected what was in the box. When he opened it, he wasn't disappointed.
"Momma, it's against the LAW to own a leopard skin. It's an endangered species!"
Oichi smiled seraphically. "I thought of that. It's faux fur! Now, go put it on. I want to see how HANDSOME you look in it, Hi-chan!"
Grumbling, Gos headed for his bedroom, cursing the names of Edgar Rice Burroughs, Walt Disney, all animated movies, Africa in general, and idiotic gaijin who got lost in the jungle and raised by apes in particular.
Behind him, his mother was hugging herself, visions of her son single-handedly rescuing thousands of people filling her mind. (And, of course, visions of all those people worshipping HER for having had the courage and skill to bring such a hero into the world.)
Gos re-emerged from his bedroom wearing the fake leopard-skin loincloth, his body one giant rose-red blush. "Momma, I look like George of the Jungle!"
Gos then froze in horror as his mother's face was swept with a thoughtful look.
"Elephants.. where can I find trained elephants?"
Definitely time to get Ranma to kill me, thought Gos.
* * *
"His name is Kanazuchi Maiku, boss," said Choji. "He's a standard private investigator. Does the usual.. Checks people for burakumin ancestry, handles the rare divorce cases, and does a little business snooping for corporations when they don't want to use their own people."
Nabiki nodded. "Anything UNusual about him that might be useful?"
Choji scratched her head. "Well.. he does have ONE eccentricity, but.." She shrugged, seemingly at a loss for words.
"Well? What is it?" asked Nabiki impatiently.
"I think he thinks he's an _American_ detective. Or wants to be one."
Now it was _Nabiki's_ turn to be at a loss for words. "What?"
"He's got this fetish, boss. He's got posters, books, and all sorts of stuff from all the great American private eyes from the '30's, '40's and '50's. Guys like.." Choji pulled a pad from her pocket. "..Sam Spade and Phillip Marlowe," she continued, stumbling over the Western names. "And the guy he seems to worship, Mike Hammer."
Nabiki smirked, noting the similarity in the names. This might be useful. She turned to Atsuko. "Any results?"
The smaller girl handed over a photograph. "Here's the person he's looking for, boss. No name yet; Kanazuchi-san doesn't seem to know who it is either. But oooooh, he's handsome for a gaijin."
Nabiki raised an eyebrow at the hearts in Atsuko's eyes, then she looked at the photo.
"Boss? Boss?"
Shaking herself, Nabiki looked away from the photograph of the mysterious foreigner. "And HE'S supposed to be hard to find? Why isn't Kanazuchi-san just following the trail of love-starved girls that has to be following this one?"
"I don't know, boss."
"Find out. We're going to find him first. Got that?"
"Hai, boss."
Nabiki beckoned to Masakazu. "Report."
"Everyone in school's got the word, boss. Talk to you first, or else. Except Kuno. I thought you'd want to handle him yourself."
"You thought right. Trying to get an idea into his head is an exercise in frustration. Good work, Masakazu. Keep your eyes and ears open, and make certain no one forgets." Nabiki tapped a finger on the picture. "I want to know what's going on, and I want to know _first_."
Masakazu coughed quietly. "Boss?"
"Yes?"
"I thought you'd want to know. There are more Amazons in town."
Nabiki's gaze sharpened. "Who and where?"
"A new place on the Ginza. Another Amazon elder, and some Amerikajin. They're opening some sort of shop. That's all I've found out yet."
"Find out more. Now. I don't need more Amazons interfering in Ranma's life until I can arrange to profit from it."
"Hai!" said all three girls.
"Good. Get going."
As the three assistants left, Nabiki gazed thoughtfully at the picture, wondering. Was this the start of another of Ranma's ridiculous adventures? She hoped not. She needed money, not another round of Saotome-induced chaos. At least, not until _after_ she was positioned to take proper advantage of it.
* * *
Kevin Sorbo smiled as he drove up the California coast to Monterey. "Hercules: The Legendary Journeys" had ended filming some time ago, but it was still strong in the re-runs and the residual payments would keep him in the financial black for the foreseeable future.
This meant that he didn't have to work if he didn't want to. So for the moment, he intended to simply enjoy life. He relaxed as the miles rolled by. It was a BEAUTIFUL day.
That's when his car phone buzzed.
"Kevin Sorbo speaking."
"No, I'm not interested."
"I _said_ I'm not interested. I might make another guest appearance or two if Lucy asks me, but aside from that, I'm on vacation for the next two, three years."
"No, going to Japan doesn't change my mind. And if Alan needs help, YOU help him. I'm on VACATION. What part of that don't you understand?"
Kevin stared at the handset, a desperate babbling still pouring from it, then hung up in frustration. Some people in Hollywood simply could NOT take a hint unless you used a battle-axe to drive it home.
"Funny you should think of it that way, big bro, especially as you haven't swung one in a few centuries." A chiming laugh swirled around his ears as a brilliant spark of light drifted down into the passenger seat of the Mercedes convertible. It dissolved into a shower of stardust, forming the outline of a female figure. A VERY female figure.
"Sis! What are you doing here?"
The woman giggled. "Can't I just get the urge to see my big brother once in a while?"
"Unlikely, Aphrodite. You only show up when you need something, or when you're bored."
The Goddess of Love pouted. "Awww.. you only say that 'cause it's true."
The expression on Kevin's face changed, and with that change, Kevin Sorbo, Hollywood star, vanished. Hercules, the hero of ancient Greece, son of Zeus, and half-human brother to a pantheon of spoiled Olympian deities, had returned.
"Okay, sis. Spill it. What sort of trouble are you in now?"
* * *
Hercules shook his head. "And I thought MY love life was a mess. FOUR fiancees?"
"Well, only three, really. The fourth girl isn't.. well.."
"Isn't what?"
"She isn't, like, all that *there*, you know? She's loony toons. You know, like that nut with the sword who was always bothering that Amazon friend of yours? The crazy who stole some of our ambrosia?"
Hercules flinched ever so slightly at the mention of Xena's ancient (and quite insane) enemy, Callisto. His sister, goddess or not, wasn't exactly the brightest chip off of Zeus' godly loins. If _she_ thought this Kodachi girl was unstable.. he set the mental comparison aside and shrugged.
"So what's this got to do with me, Sis?"
Aphrodite suddenly looked nervous. "Well, Japan isn't strictly our pantheon, but I dropped by to take a look at this Ranma kid all the gods and goddesses of love were gossiping about, and who should I run into, but.."
Hercules sighed, resisting the urge to stop the car and run screaming into the ocean. "Athena? Again? How?"
"There's still a tribe of Amazons left, big bro.. in China. One of the girls involved with the kid is a Chinese Amazon, and when Athena found out she was still worshiped there, she went a little spare, you know? Headed down there right away."
"And you bumped into her."
"I bumped into her owl."
"You KNOW how much she loves Bubo."
"It wasn't my FAULT, okay? I didn't MEAN to pour hot tar all over the feathery little bastard, honest! Just because it keeps crapping in my boudoir doesn't mean I'm, like, trying to kill it or anything.."
In tones of patience rapidly being exhausted: "SIS..."
"OKAY, okay, maybe I tried a little something. But now there's a problem that Zeus said *I* have to help fix, and I can't DO that with Athena all pissed at me." She batted her eyes at him. "PLEEEEEASE, big brother? Help me?"
"I _know_ I'm going to regret this."
"Oh, THANK you thank you thank you thank you big brother!" She threw her arms around him, causing the convertible to almost jump the curb. "I promise, I'll never forget this!"
"I know *I* won't," sighed Hercules.
* * *
"What do you mean, I have to take off my costume for my passport photo?"
"Sir, you can't wear a MASK for this; the passport has to show your face."
"This IS my face."
A long sigh. "Sir, I sincerely doubt that your face is bright lime green and nose-less with two long antenna protruding from your forehead."
"But you don't KNOW that..."
The government official wanted to beat his head on his desk. He wasn't aware that this was a common reaction for everyone who had to deal with Irwin Schwab, alias Ambush Bug.
* * *
Mousse was worried. In fact, he was feeling downright terrified. Rin and Ran had just left the Cat Cafe, having told the old ghoul that Elder Healer Lilac wanted her to send the manhunting party over to the new business on the Ginza.
Manhunting parties didn't normally frighten him. After all, most every female in the village over the age of puberty knew of his unswerving, unwavering devotion and loyalty to his goddess, Shampoo.
Not that they thought of it quite that way. THEY considered him a total loser and a royal pain in the ass, as most of them had been glomped more than once by the near-blind master of the Hidden Weapons School when he mistook them for Shampoo. They were merely grateful that if the loony HAD to obsess on someone, thank Artemis and Athena it wasn't _them_.
But there was ONE little exception.
Mace.
Mousse shuddered at the mere mention of the name.
In a matriarchy of the Amazon sort, it wasn't at all surprising that some of the women would be (or chose) lesbian lovers. This was neither encouraged nor frowned upon. But every female capable of bearing a child was expected to do so, to strengthen the village.
Of course, barring the use of magic, this obviously required a... donation, so to speak. From a male.
Mace had decided that HER personal sperm bank was going to be Mousse. Mousse, of course, would not be allowed to have anything to say about it.
It didn't help any that she'd already bragged to some of her friends in the village that she'd have Mousse in a French maid's costume and serving her as a maid should in less than a week, once she caught him. She'd gone into great detail on just _how_ she'd train Mousse, too. Implements were involved. And Mousse had heard this.
At the moment, Mousse was giving sincere thought to taking a long vacation. And NOT leaving any forwarding address.
"There has to be SOMEWHERE I can hide. There MUST be somewhere. I just have to find it," he sweated. Then he snapped his fingers.
The spooky boy, he thought. They might look for me at Ranma's, they might look for me at Kuno's. They might even check the Ucchan's. But NO ONE ever pays any attention to that kid with the voodoo dolls. I'll just offer to teach him some sleight of hand, maybe a _small_ trick or two from the Hidden Weapons school, tell him it's true magic, and he'll be so grateful, he'll let me hide out at his place for as long as I might need!
* * *
Meanwhile, in deepest, darkest Tibet..
"Mistress, the Sacred One has returned to us!"
"You are certain of this, Xu?"
"Yes, Mistress, I witnessed it myself! And I questioned the Jyusenkyo Guide personally."
"Excellent! We must-"
"Mistress? There is a problem."
"What now?"
"Ahh.. weodagudsumtaps"
"What was that? Speak CLEARLY, Xu!"
"Ahh.. we owe the Guide. Three more Creamy Lemon tapes. The price for answering our questions."
There was a long, deep sigh. "Take some money from petty cash, and go down to the village and order some. Use FedEx. They're more reliable than UPS."
"Right away, Mistress!"
The figure on the throne clapped her hands, and a dozen women appeared.
"Our Sacred One walks the mortal world once again, in the form of a man. We must recover him and return him to the Shrine where he will be safe and secure."
"And where we can boff him til it falls off!" whispered one.
"WHO SAID THAT?"
Eleven women took one large step back, leaving a lone figure exposed.
"I should have known. Cold showers for a month, Li."
Li bowed. "Yes, Mistress." When she stood and rejoined her sisters, she hissed "I'm gonna get you all for that."
"You can try," whispered another.
The figure on the throne glared down at them all. "Silence! I want a strike team assembled by morning, ready to rescue the Sacred One from the outside world. Take our best warriors. And a few of the bimbos. Just in case. We might need some expendable shock troops. Be ready at dawn."
* * *
In Tomobiki, Japan..
"Most ominous," pronounced Cherry.
"Forget ominous, I'm gone!" Sakura began throwing clothing into a suitcase with a speed that rivaled that of the legendary Chestnut Fist attack. "When I get a fire reading that looks like THAT, and a menacing voice straight out of 'Ghostbusters' telling me that 'you are SO screwed', then it's time for a VACATION!"
"Where are you going?"
"To the airport. I hear the Falkland Islands are nice this time of year."
"Most ominous," repeated Cherry. "Personally, I like Wales. Lots of hiding places in Wales."
"Whatever. You've got five minutes to pack, starting now. After that, I'm leaving you behind, old man."
The diminutive priest had his Gladstone bag packed in three.
* * *
Greenwich Village, Manhattan, New York City...
Dr. Stephen Strange was on the phone to the town of Stanley, in the Falkland Islands.
"Yes? I see. No, don't worry. I'll trade some favors, and cover for you."
"Oh, it's perfectly understandable. Even the spirit of the Ancient One has left. He doesn't want to be ANYWHERE in the area when it hits the fan, old friend."
"Right. I've arranged a line of credit at the hotel. You'll be able to stay as long as you need to."
Stephen hung up and sighed.
"Wong?"
"Yes, Master?"
"Check the shielding again, and made certain NO women get inside without passing through the spell on the front door first."
"It's them again, Master?"
"Just check the shielding, Wong."
"Yes, Master."
* * *
Back in Nerima, Japan...
Dowel and her team of intrepid husband hunters had finally reached Nerima. Once there, it took them only twenty-four hours to find the Cat Cafe. (Upon mature reflection, Dowel decided it had been an error to ask for directions from the boy with the spotted bandanna and large backpack.)
Rin and Ran had met them there, taking them directly to the new building that Elder Lilac had purchased. But it was less the opportunity for warm baths and soft beds than it was the chance to lay down the responsibility for the team that made Dowel sigh with relief. She had only one regret. Now that she was no longer in charge, she couldn't justify choking that little bitch Tao by the throat with both hands until Tao's eyes popped from her skull.
Still, that would have been a momentary pleasure at best, and difficult to explain away to the Council of Elders later on.
She eased a little deeper into the furo, feeling the aches and pains of the past few weeks gradually seeping away. Hardship might be the way to build an Amazon, but Mace did have a point. Hot baths WERE a gift from the gods.
Sugar, Spice, Cinnamon and Cardamom entered the bath, stripped and joined her in the furo.
"Where's Tao?" asked Dowel.
"Where else?" snorted Sugar. The younger Amazon jerked a thumb in the direction of the small yard behind the building, from which a sudden screech exploded. Tao's scream of outrage rapidly dopplered into silence.
Dowel tried to avoid laughing so hard that she'd drown. That just wasn't the way a proper Amazon should die. But she did recall what had happened when they'd arrived here at Elder Lilac's place, and smiled.
They'd been lined up in front of the Healer, as she gave them the "Facts of Life in Japan", as Lilac had put it...
* * *
"First of all, this is Japan. We're the foreigners here. We screw up, and the Japanese will treat us the way _we'd_ treat them back home. Got that?"
"BUT--" Tao burst out.
Lilac thumped her staff on the floor, causing the entire building to shudder slightly. "But me no buts, child. I do NOT intend to be escorted out of Japan in disgrace by their police, merely because YOU can't hold your temper. You WILL walk softly. I expect you to stay proud and uphold your Amazon heritage, but don't be stupid."
Lilac then pointed her cane at the American standing a short distance behind her. "This is Master Seamus McGyver. He's a Grandmaster of his School, and a personal friend of mine. He can also tie any of you up into knots with both hands and his brains tied behind his back. While he's still asleep. He's here at my request to help me, and you'll treat him with the same respect you'd give ANY Elder, female or male. If not, I've given him special permission to make examples of you without having to worry about the Kiss of Marriage." She grinned in an especially frightening way. "Care to try him?"
"Cologne wouldn't do things this way," muttered Tao sullenly.
Lilac's cane came down with a snap, stopping bare millimeters from Tao's nose. "I am NOT Cologne, child, and this is NOT the Cat Cafe."
"Gently, Lil," said Seamus. "If the youngster wants to know why I rate special treatment, let's show her. After all, 'Deeds, Not Words'."
Lilac raised an eyebrow. "Been a while since I heard _that_ motto. You sure about this?"
"Always," grinned the old man.
The Healer nodded, and waved the younger Amazons into a circle. "Let this challenge of Tao versus McGyver begin."
Tao snarled, leaping forward with both short swords drawn. He's just a weak old male, she thought. This won't take long.
Dowel would remember what she saw then to her dying day. Seamus (from then on to be _Elder_ Seamus in her thoughts, always) had _blurred_. That was the only word to describe it. Tao's swords had been gently yet firmly PLUCKED from her grasp, and the old man's hands had become near invisible as they began doing -something- to the blades.
A moment later, Tao was standing there, her wrists and ankles shackled together with crude iron bands, bands that HAD been her swords. Seamus had sealed them shut with simple rivets, SQUEEZING them into place with nothing more than thumb and forefinger.
"Have a nice trip, child. Thank you for flying Air McGyver." With that, Seamus smiled, took a firm stance, and _kicked_. Tao went sailing over the building in the general direction of the canal that ran through Nerima.
Lilac, grinning, looked back at the remaining members of the husband hunting team, who all had shocked expressions on their faces. "Any questions?"
To Seamus' surprise (and Lilac's amusement) Sugar stuck up her hand, followed rapidly by Spice.
"Yes? What is it?"
"Master Seamus, do you have any male grandchildren our age?"
Lilac took one look at the expression on Seamus' face and fell off her staff laughing.
* * *
Elder Lilac had then explained how she expected every one of them to behave, both when working for her, and during their private time. Dowel had nodded along with the others. When a wet, dripping, and thoroughly infuriated Tao had returned, Dowel had even thoughtfully handed the soaked Amazon a dry towel, refraining from any conflict.
The BAD news had come later, when Master McGyver explained about his 'student'.
For Amazons who'd been raised on tales of the Demon Panty Thief, Norton South wasn't that big of a shock. Or, for that matter, that much of an annoyance. The little pervert would try to date them, try to fondle them, try to peep on them, everything but steal their panties. (He hadn't sunk THAT low. Yet.)
What bothered them was the fact that they weren't allowed to kill the little lech. So they'd set aside all of their edged weapons and stuck strictly to blunt ones and unarmed combat. Fortunately, Norton's studies of the McGyver-Ryuu weren't far advanced.
UNfortunately, his lechery and ability to take a thrashing were. They beat the degenerate several times a day and he kept coming back for more. Sugar and Spice thought that he HAD to be related to Mousse, somehow. Cardamom felt he must have been trained in the Breaking Point.
Just then, a loud clatter outside the bathroom door caught their attention. Cinnamon climbed dripping from the bath and opened the door a crack, peering out.
"It's him again," she swore. "The ropes worked though." She shut and locked the door, returning to the furo.
Outside in the hallway, Lilac passed by on her way to her room. She heard a muffled, struggling sort of sound above her head and looked up.
Dangling from the ceiling in a web of cordage was Norton, face red as he wriggled like a fly trapped by some immense spider.
"Amazing," laughed Lilac. "A booby-trap that actually catches boobies. I'll have to commend the girls on that one. It shows ingenuity." She rapped sharply on the bathroom door with the head of her staff. "Don't forget to cut the pervert down when you finish bathing. I don't want him cluttering up the ceiling." Then she continued on to her room.
* * *
Lilac blinked as there came a gentle tapping on her door.
"We got out first job, Lil," Seamus said. "Bathhouse downtown was just trashed by a mob of angry women. Care to guess why it was wrecked?"
"No guess," grumbled the Healer. "Cologne already informed the Council that Happosai was seen in Nerima from time to time. I suppose it's too much to hope that they managed to beat the living snot out of him?"
"No such luck this time. If you'll get the girls, I'll see to the supplies. We should have the bathhouse up and running again in less than a day."
"Right. Meet you downstairs."
Five minutes later, Lilac was giving last minute instructions to the Amazon girls and Seamus was informing the owner of a lumberyard that if they couldn't guarantee deliveries time-on-target, then Seamus couldn't guarantee that the owner's little 'hobby' wouldn't show up in the Tokyo papers the next day.
Seamus snapped the phone shut. "That was fun. Haven't bullied anyone but the grandkids and the occasional student for a long time."
"What about Norton?" asked Lilac.
Seamus blinked. "I'm not sure he qualifies as human. Do you think perverts can be defined as a sub-species?" He shook his head. "Anyway, supplies are on the way. Let's go!"
Lilac sighed. "Let me guess. You're driving."
"Yeah!" Seamus almost shouted.
Sash, noticing the almost weary look on Lilac's face, left her spot at Tao's side for a moment. "Is anything wrong, Elder?" she whispered.
"Only that the last of the Kamikaze pilots isn't dead, child. He's alive and well, and driving a truck in Nerima."
* * *
As the truck roared away (Seamus had removed the muffler and installed a noise _AMPLIFYING_ exhaust pipe), Norton crept out of the trash bin where Tao had stuffed him shortly after catching him peeping at her.
A bathhouse, he thought. Nude women, all of them, yearning for my touch. NEEDING my body pressed firmly against their naked flesh. WANTING my virile manliness.
A thin trickle of drool began to make its way down his chin.
Since Norton was blissfully unaware that he actually HAD no virile manliness in any real sense, he continued that train of thought.
I _have_ to follow! I can't deny the lovely ladies the chance to experience ME!
And with that thought, Norton dashed to the notepad beside the phone. Gently rubbing a pencil over the indentations in its surface, he was able to make out the faint traces of the address his Master had jotted down.
Then, he rushed down the street, a small map of Nerima clenched tightly in his sweaty fist.
"Never fear, sweet women of Nerima! I am here for you!"
* * *
Gos looked on glumly as his mother approached him with a bundle in her arms. "Another costume, mother?"
"No," Oichi chirped happily. "The first costume. You need to get some cold water and into costume right away! Your first adventure is here, now!"
Hikaru flinched. He'd _hoped_ his mother would give up her idea of having him rush around Nerima like some crazed gaijin superhero from an American manga, but apparently, the gods hated him. Personally. He winced in frustration.
"..are you listening, dear?"
"Ah, I'm sorry, Momma. I was thinking."
Oichi smiled. "Well, Koichi-san called. She was at the bathhouse when some deformed little hentai tried to steal all the women's underclothing, and the resulting riot ruined the building. It's your perfect chance!"
"But I don't WANT to steal underwear, Momma!"
Oichi gently batted him on one ear. "NO, silly. It's your chance to make your name as a hero! Now, change, dry off, get dressed, and go out there and CATCH that pervert!"
Gos was about to summon up the last of his miniscule amount of courage and try to refuse her, when his mother drove the final nail into his verbal coffin.
"Go out there and make us PROUD, son!"
He hung his head for a second, and then, without looking up, extended one hand for the clothing his mother was holding.
* * *
Sash gazed at the buildings passing by at a speed that made them seem one long blur. She leaned over to where Lilac was sitting in the cab of the pickup truck and screamed to make herself heard over the shriek of the wind.
"Elder, why is Master Seamus making those grunting noises and shouting about 'More Power, More Power!'?"
"Don't ask, child. You don't want to know."
About that moment, the roaring truck passed by a "Manga No Mori" store, and the young Amazon began to whimper. Dowel noticed and a faint trace of sympathy crossed her face.
The giantess reluctantly pried one of her hands from its deathgrip on the side of the pickup truck and tapped Sash on the arm to get her attention. When the younger girl looked her way, she mouthed the word "tonight", nodding as Sash's eyes lit up with hope.
* * *
Bricks, mortar, steel and wood were forming what could only be described as a small tornado around the site of the badly damaged bathhouse. Young Amazons were darting everywhere, carrying (and sometimes throwing) building materials into the heart of the cyclone.
Crowds were everywhere around it, gawking at the sight. Two young girls from Furinkan High School were hanging near the edges of the crowd, taking photographs with rather expensive looking cameras equipped with telephoto lenses.
Those of Nerima who were in the know nodded wisely, aware they'd be able to get photos of this tomorrow morning from NabTenCo for the low, low price of every yen they had in their wallet. (And then some.)
The center of the whirlwind paused for a coffee break, given that the repairs were now about ninety per-cent done.
Then he spat the coffee all over the sidewalk.
"AAACK! Lilac, didn't you tell the kids '_NO_ canned coffee, EVER!'?"
The Elder looked at her charges, who all took one large step back and pointed at Tao, who muttered "..he's only a male. And what's so important about this coffee drink?"
Lilac sighed, then rolled her eyes at Seamus, who'd immediately gone into a bit of bad over-acting at hearing Tao's question. She ignored the writhing, convulsing, and frothing-at-the-mouth fit that the Master of Construction Martial Arts was (ineptly) faking, and glared at Tao.
"He's an American, you foolish child! They worship coffee the way WE worship our honored ancestors!"
Seamus stopped writhing for a moment and popped his head up. "Well, I wouldn't say we're THAT obsess--"
"Shush, you, I'm disciplining a child here!" Lilac waved him off with a mock glare, turning back to Tao. "Now hear this, foolish child. You will go to the nearest coffee bar, you will ask for the very BEST coffee they have, no matter the cost, and you'll get back here on the run. Without spilling a drop." Lilac's mock glare hardened as she stared at the young Amazon. "I tire of your surly attitude and your disrespect. Keep it up, and I'll send you back to the village in disgrace. And neither your grandmother nor Aloe will be able to save you from the punishment you so richly deserve."
That's when all hell broke loose.
* * *
In the darkness lurked a horror. Well, maybe not a HORROR, but definitely a major pain in the ass. And the breasts, and various other female body parts.
The Founding Master of the Anything Goes School of Martial Arts was pretty good at lurking, at least. And glomping, and any number of perverted skills. But at the moment, he was busy lurking around the roof of a nearby building, staring down at the crowd that had gathered around the bath house. When he'd overheard the rumor that a new company had promised to repair the bath house in one day or double the owners money back, he rushed back to the area, bag of panties over his shoulder. He knew that if it was true, and the bath house WAS repaired, women from all over Nerima would return to bathe, if only to gain a small bit of vicarious vengeance over him.
And he couldn't have that now, could he? Women had to understand that he was the best thing that ever happened to them.
Then he saw the blur surrounding the bath house slow to a stop, and resolve itself into an elderly gaijin, who accepted some coffee from one of the Amazons, only to spit it out again. Happosai did a little spitting himself, in surprise.
A rich red rage clouded Happosai's vision. How DARE Seamus come here! Japan belonged to HIM, not to some American student of a North Korean bastard! Chuin will PAY for this, he swore.
He conveniently forgot the fact that the undisputed Master of the House of Sinanju could kick Happi's ass in his sleep. One handed. And had, more than once. Happosai was good at forgetting things like that.
Unfortunately for him.
* * *
An angry shriek split the air and Seamus shot to his feet a split-second before a long pipe cracked the concrete where his head had been.
A feminine shout went up from half the assembled crowd. "HAPPOSAI! KILL!"
Seamus spun away before a Bean Jam Blowout could hit him, and the Lord High Pervert of all Japan bounced into the crowd to snatch a quick glomp before returning to the fight.
"Heya, Happi! Long time--"
A flurry of aerial kicks.
"--no see! Saigon, wasn't it? Back in--"
A blizzard of punches.
"--1928. You and that Jewish kid, the Hidden Salami--"
A lamp-post went flying.
"--versus Dr. Ursula Reykjavik from the Institute--"
Now it was large chunks of sidewalk concrete. Nerimans being no stranger to all-out martial arts deathmatches taking place in their streets (it was a weekly occurrence, after all), the crowd had already sought shelter at this point.
"--of Mad Science and Cosmetology, Class of '22."
Happosai paused for a heartbeat, fond memories flooding back. "And what a pair of knockers THAT gal had. Biggest rack I'd ever fond.. HEY! We're supposed to be FIGHTING here!"
"She was voted 'Most Likely To Cause A Sexual Apocalypse', as I recall," laughed Seamus.
"Yeah," sighed Happosai, caught in reminiscence. "And that Nookie Monster she create-- HEY! You're doing it again! STOP THAT!"
"Oh, sorry," blinked Seamus. "We were fighting, right? Why, exactly?"
"You're in Japan!" shouted the furious pervert. "MY territory! Not yours, and certainly not Chuin's! I want you both out of Nerima TODAY! Now hold still so I can kill you!"
Seamus skipped out of the way of Happosai's chi-blast. "Chuin isn't even HERE, ya old fart. He's still in the US, training that Remo kid." He scooped up a handful of finishing nails and flicked them at the aged pervert like tiny darts.
Happi swatted the steel splinters from the air like flies. "Then why are YOU here? I know you studied under that Korean prick. That bastard, taking my silky darlings from me, and forcing me to promise I'd never come near Sinanju again." His pipe tagged Seamus on the elbow, sending the martial arts builder spinning for a moment.
"Wasn't my fault," grunted Seamus as he bounced to his feet. "I just wanted his help in perfecting a few chi techniques for my OWN school. Didn't even WANT to join his House. What's between him and you is just that. None of MY business." Roof tiles spun through the air like shurikens, several of them tagging Happosai, tearing his clothing and ripping the thieves bandana from around his neck.
"THEN WHY ARE YOU HERE?!" roared Happosai.
An ironwood staff struck him squarely from behind, raising a painful lump on the pervert's head. "Because I invited him here, you idiot!"
Happi twirled around to see a rather irate Lilac standing there, staring him eye to eye. "Ah. Aheh. Uh. Well. Huh," babbled Happi. "Ah. It's.. been a while, Lilac."
"1928, but who's counting?" mused the Healer. "I give you my Oath that Chuin's nowhere around here that I or Seamus know of. *I* invited Seamus here to help me with an Amazon problem. Now, calm down, or I'll use the Ice Cold Libido shiatsu point on you."
The threat caused the furious lecher to settle down for the moment.
"Now, are you willing to calm down and listen for a bit, Happi? Or am I going to have to get serious on your puny little body?"
Happosai snorted. "Yeah, yeah, big woman, aren't you. Twelve inches, one lousy foot, and you ALWAYS lord it over me."
"When you got it, flaunt it," smirked the (slightly) taller Lilac. "Anyway, back to the subject at hand, you old lech. I have a husband hunting party in the area, and as it looked like it would take a while to snare the target, I've settled down for a bit. Seamus is here to help me with that."
Happi's eyes widened slightly. "More Amazons? More _busty_ Amazons? Here?!"
Lilac's eyes flashed fire. "Keep in mind *I'm* still here, Happi."
"Spoilsport," grunted Happi. "You take ALL the fun out of molest.. err.. gracing young women with my presence." His roving eyes spotted the small group of young Amazons standing about a dozen meters away. They'd put down building materials and tools, having sprouted a variety of sharp-edged objects, most of which were now pointing in Happosai's general direction.
"Seamus isn't here to do anything but help ME, Happi. Chuin isn't here, or anyone else of his School. So you don't need to get so damned hostile."
"Your word on that, Lilac? Your word as a _Healer_?"
Lilac's face wrinkled up in irritation. "All right. My word as a Healer that Seamus is here solely at my request, to help me with my problems. And that currently, he has nothing to do with certain parties who may or may not have royally kicked your ass in times past. Good enough for you?"
The short lecher grinned. "Good enough." He turned to Seamus. "Hurry up and repair the bathhouse! Get a move on! The sooner it's fixed, the sooner I can have fun there! Woo-hoo!" He bounced into the air, landing in the crowd that had reassembled to see what would happen to the old pervert, grabbing panties and breasts indiscriminately.
Seamus blinked, slightly annoyed. "He _wants_ me to get the building repaired. Go figure."
Lilac growled quietly. "Like any careful hunter, he wants to make sure his prey have a safe watering hole, to provide for future generations."
Seamus shuddered. "I'm not sure which scares me more.. that concept, or the fact that you UNDERSTAND him."
"Trust me, I'm not all that happy about it myself, Seamus."
* * *
Meanwhile, in a nearby sake bar, two men were doing their very best to get seriously drunk.
"You know, children are just plain bad these days," the heavy set one muttered. "Try to get him a nice wife, and what does he do? He turns me into a panda, that's what."
The other nodded. "My wife just keeps dressing up my boy in these silly outfits. Make him a hero, she says, Spandex, she says, and it's driving me crazy."
"Well, at least yours isn't threatening to cut your head off."
"I WISH. No, she wants my boy to be some kind of... hey, a new bottle!"
"Works for me. Um... does your son ever wear a dress?"
"I wouldn't be surprised... but I don't think so..."
The fat one sighed. "Lucky you."
* * *
Author's Notes:
Sorry this one took so long, friends. In the past three years, I've had to deal with the loss of several friends, and the love of my life being diagnosed as having contracted synovial cell sarcoma, an UGLY form of cancer that has a grim survival rate. Only half the people who are diagnosed with it survive the first year. Fortunately my beloved Aili was one of the lucky few. She's been subjected to some very intense radiation and chemotherapy, and is receiving regular full body MRI and CAT scans to make sure the damn tumors are (in the words of the famous Munchkin coroner) "...not only merely dead, but really, most SINCERELY Dead."
It hasn't been easy for either of us. She's been the reason I go on, and I greatly fear that should I lose her, I'd lose myself.
But the battle, as life itself, goes on, and I can't just sit and quiver in fear, as that would irritate Aili immensely. And I'd sooner dive into a swimming pool full of double-edged razor blades than upset her. So, I've picked up my fics and soldiered on.
I hope you enjoy this chapter, and with some good furtune, chapter six will come along soon, along with a surprise bonus from that great comic and fanfic author, Rob "Kenko" Haynie.
Be seeing you.
Ed Becerra
