His Eyes: Chapter 1: Insomnia
Initial rating: Pg-13, Upped to R
A/N: I just couldn't stand it any longer. I was so sick of how crappy the first chapter of my story was, that I just HAD to rewrite it. I'm pretty sure many people were turned away from this fic, simply from the one fact that this first chapter was crappy. YES VERY CRAPPY!!! *Feels better now that she's screamed* O_O
SO....I revised it and rewrote it. I thought about not doing that, you know the whole: You should learn from your past writing... philosophy crap thingy.... But whatever. I couldn't stand it any longer. Being the kind of person I am, I decided I couldn't force this kind of crap on poor unsuspecting readers that would most likely sentence them to a lifetime of avoiding any Bebop fic. So here's the result: A new first chapter. And may this help release my inner demons that keep me up at night yelling at me and telling me what a bad author I am. -_-
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Sometimes the thoughts that keep you awake in the middle of the night, when you should be dreaming peacefully, turn out to be something you'd never imagine they'd be. They make you think that maybe if you thought hard enough about something you wanted to dream about, then you might actually succeed. The actual reality however is that dreams are nothing more than a figment of your overly tired brain trying to find some way to filter your thoughts and trying to explain the huge amounts of information stored there after the exhausting day you've had. Knowing that, how come so many people get lost in them?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
It was his eyes. That was it. He had the most beautiful eyes she had ever seen. Wasn't there a saying that you could see a person's soul through their eyes? His eyes held so much emotion. Sometimes when his guard was down, you could see the pain shielded by an air of indifference. He didn't fool her though. She knew what lay behind his carefree attitude.
It was Julia. She was always with him, no matter what he did or where he went. It was like he could care less that she was dead and gone. That she had been dead and gone for two years now. Two. It was like he didn't believe she'd really died.
Not that she was an emotionless woman, mind you. Faye was far from that. She had just never known you could love someone the way Spike obviously had loved and still loved Julia.
For the thousandth time, she wondered how a woman could hold so much power over a man like him. It made her think she'd never be able to make him care.
Faye swore and turned over.
Damn that Julia. Life was a bitch. Plain and simple. It was so unfair that she loved a man who would never be hers. She shouldn't even be surprised that this shit had happened to her. It wasn't like life dealt her a good hand anyway. She was a woman with no past.and seemingly no future.
She had been sitting on the couch for hours thinking about her life and the man that occupied her thoughts. She couldn't remember when she had last gotten a good night's sleep.too damn long, she was sure of that.
Lying down on the couch, Faye stretched her arms and laid them on her stomach. She couldn't sleep in her own bed, but maybe she would have better luck on the couch, though she wouldn't get her hopes up. If she kept having sleepless nights, she would start looking hideous soon. And she'd be damned if that happened. Looks was all she had. Laughing at herself, she turned over on her side.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Spike rolled over for what seemed to him like the hundredth time that night. He was restless. He shifted to lie on his back as he placed his arm over his eyes. Every time he closed his eyes, he'd dream the same dream. Two years passing did nothing to suppress the almost constant nightmares.
No matter how much he tried, he couldn't stop thinking about them. The way Julia looked as she arched almost gracefully to hit the pavement below her kept flashing vividly through his mind. That had to be the lowest moment of his life. She was everything to him and that fact killed him, it gnawed at his soul.
He was never one to be sentimental, though he could recall a short time in his life, when he was completely happy. Life with Julia, brief as it was, was so surreal to him.
And yes, at one time, having Vicious as a friend was something he really counted on. Yet one thing he could admit to was that if he had a chance to be with her all over again, knowing he'd have to betray Vicious to do it, knowing that in the end he'd lose her and be forced to kill his ex-best friend, he'd do it willingly. Maybe that made him a selfish person, but he didn't care.
He hated thinking about what he lost. He was sick of it actually. He just didn't seem to be able to get over it. She haunted him when he was awake and when he was asleep. Vicious was always there, killing him over and over again in his nightmare.
Spike rubbed his eyes.
God, he needed a cigarette.
Pushing himself up with his elbows, he reached over to his coat and pulled out a pack. Opening the lid, he discovered he was out. Cursing to himself, he got up and left his room.
He'd have to find some cigarettes if he was planning on ever sleeping tonight.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Swearing to herself, she sat back up. She could see that trying to sleep was going to be useless. Damn insomnia.
She needed a cigarette. She pulled one out and lit it filling her lungs with the toxins that relaxed her. It was the only thing that calmed her nerves. She knew they were bad for her, but she didn't particularly care at that moment. Screw the dangers on the warning labels. Just who the hell was the surgeon general anyway? She'd lived longer than she seemed any damn way.
Dazed in her own little world, she didn't see or here him before he asked her a question, scaring the shit out of her.
"What are you doing up? Couldn't sleep?" His voice was a little scratchy and tired like he needed sleep and a good tall glass of water.
Faye looked up and saw Spike. Her heart jumped. She noticed how annoyingly cute he looked with his clothes all rumpled and his hair a slight mess. Recovering herself, she gave him a scathing look that she was sure didn't affect him at all.
"Mind not scaring me?" She said, trying to force his image out of her brain. He didn't say anything. She sighed and decided to answer his previous question. "No. What about you?"
"Isn't it obvious?" Spike came over and sat on the couch next to her and put his feet up on the table.
She bit back a biting retort to his comment, because suddenly realized she wasn't in the mood for a fight.
"Want a cigarette?" She asked.
He looked over at the offered cigarette and took it gratefully. He lit it thinking it was just what he needed. Taking a deep drag of his cigarette, he looked over at Faye. The sight of her made him grin. She looked like crap, like she hadn't gotten a decent night sleep in days. Her hair, she threw up into a ponytail was coming down and her eyes were kind of puffy.
He couldn't resist giving in to the temptation of teasing her. He never could. She was fun to aggravate.
"You know.you don't look so hot. Maybe you're starting to show your real age." He hoped she'd say something funny back.
But for once, she didn't seem to want to rise to the occasion of giving in to fighting with him. "Thanks," was all he got in return for his smart ass remark.
Ok.she didn't take the bait on that one.something wasn't right. She was in one of her sentimental moods. And one thing he hated was moody women. Spike tried to change the subject.
"Thinking about the bounty we collected today?" he asked trying to be all nonchalant.
"Hmm."
He scratched his head with his free hand. Well, if she didn't feel like having a conversation.he sure wasn't going to push for one. He never was much of a conversationalist, if you didn't count the fighting he and Faye did.
They both sat there and smoked their cigarettes, passing the time.
Just when Spike was thinking of going back to bed, Faye broke the silence.
"Spike?" she asked in a quiet tone.
"Huh?" he wasn't quite sure what she'd say. Her next words surprised him to say the least.
She asked so quietly he almost didn't hear her. "Why can't you get over her?"
Spike nearly choked on his cigarette. His eyes narrowed at the question. "Excuse me?" His asked in a threatening and bewildering tone. He blew smoke out of his mouth in an angry manner.
His mind was racing. How dare she? What gave her the damn right to ask that?
"I don't guess you have to answer me." She attempted lamely. Before she could lose her courage, she continued. "It just really worries me sometimes. It's a little creepy how weird you get, how quiet."
He was at a loss for words. "I...don't know why...." he stumbled across the reply.
Worried? Since when did she worry about him? It was just like a woman. They always worried about someone. Women couldn't live with people and not get attached to them one way or another.
He felt strangely betrayed and even hurt by such a blunt question. He was a jumble of emotions. And it scared him to think that Faye was the one who brought so much emotion out of him by asking such a simple, yet complex question, emotions he hadn't used in so long. And suddenly, he was angry.
He shot to his feet towering over her. "You know, I always knew that you were bitchy, but I had no idea you were such a nosy woman." His eyes flashed in anger and resentment for having to feel this way. He felt a little satisfaction seeing her reaction.
Her eyes widened with shock, before her anger got the better of her and flared to the surface. She jumped to her feet as well. Her eyes narrowed. "Look, I'm sorry if you're offended but you don't have to prove to me how much of an asshole you really are."
"Then don't ask me dumb questions." He shot back, his voice steadily rising.
"Well the question obviously had validity since you're so visibly pissed about something!!" She was on the verge of screaming.
He stepped closer to her, trying to retain some of his self control that he couldn't seem to manage whenever she was around.
"You think you're so smart?! You have no idea what it's like, Faye. So shut your goddamned mouth, before I shut it for you!" He was pleased to see he affected her by his comments. He wanted her to hurt just like he was hurting. He wanted her to lose control like him.
Faye was about two seconds away from doing one of two things. The first, to slap him so hard across the face that his head would spin, or two, completely rip his clothes off and let him have his way with her.
That thought left her drained of her anger and she opted for neither. "Oh, aren't you a big man? Trying to threaten me won't work," her voice was strangely calm.
He stepped closer until he could see the flicker of lighter green in her already deep green eyes. His advantage in height pleased him. He was so frustrated with her that he could literally spit.
"No one's trying to threaten anyone. I'm just trying to make a point, Faye."
Suddenly all of the fight was gone from Faye and at that moment all she wanted was to get as far away from him as she could. "Let go of me."
Her request startled Spike because he didn't even know he had grabbed her upper arm. He quickly released her. "I'm tired of this, I'm going to bed. Fight with yourself, Spike."
"Fine," was all Spike could manage to retort. He watched her until she wasn't visible among the darkness of the hall. He raked a hand through his tangled mop and sat down with frustration.
He stared unseeing trying to make sense of all of the emotion Faye pulled from him. Her question evoked anger, but also embarrassment. But why should he be embarrassed?
Because, he didn't know he was that transparent. He lay back on the couch and sighed.
Not for the first time that day, he thought about his relationship with Faye. She aggravated him like no one else managed to do, but all the same he respected her. And yes, he was attracted to her. He was a healthy warm- blooded male after all.
He placed his hands behind his head, trying to get comfortable. Dammit. This was going to have to stop. He needed to get some sleep. He would worry about this tomorrow.
Before he could think of much else, he dosed off to sleep. His fight, wore his already beyond exhausted body out.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
*sighs* MUCH BETTER!!! I'm so pleased that this is passable instead of Grade A crap!!! *giggles* It's such a relief that I've rewritten this. Makes me feel better. Please let me know what you think about the difference in this chapter. I'd appreciate it.
Love ya!
Usako
Initial rating: Pg-13, Upped to R
A/N: I just couldn't stand it any longer. I was so sick of how crappy the first chapter of my story was, that I just HAD to rewrite it. I'm pretty sure many people were turned away from this fic, simply from the one fact that this first chapter was crappy. YES VERY CRAPPY!!! *Feels better now that she's screamed* O_O
SO....I revised it and rewrote it. I thought about not doing that, you know the whole: You should learn from your past writing... philosophy crap thingy.... But whatever. I couldn't stand it any longer. Being the kind of person I am, I decided I couldn't force this kind of crap on poor unsuspecting readers that would most likely sentence them to a lifetime of avoiding any Bebop fic. So here's the result: A new first chapter. And may this help release my inner demons that keep me up at night yelling at me and telling me what a bad author I am. -_-
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Sometimes the thoughts that keep you awake in the middle of the night, when you should be dreaming peacefully, turn out to be something you'd never imagine they'd be. They make you think that maybe if you thought hard enough about something you wanted to dream about, then you might actually succeed. The actual reality however is that dreams are nothing more than a figment of your overly tired brain trying to find some way to filter your thoughts and trying to explain the huge amounts of information stored there after the exhausting day you've had. Knowing that, how come so many people get lost in them?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
It was his eyes. That was it. He had the most beautiful eyes she had ever seen. Wasn't there a saying that you could see a person's soul through their eyes? His eyes held so much emotion. Sometimes when his guard was down, you could see the pain shielded by an air of indifference. He didn't fool her though. She knew what lay behind his carefree attitude.
It was Julia. She was always with him, no matter what he did or where he went. It was like he could care less that she was dead and gone. That she had been dead and gone for two years now. Two. It was like he didn't believe she'd really died.
Not that she was an emotionless woman, mind you. Faye was far from that. She had just never known you could love someone the way Spike obviously had loved and still loved Julia.
For the thousandth time, she wondered how a woman could hold so much power over a man like him. It made her think she'd never be able to make him care.
Faye swore and turned over.
Damn that Julia. Life was a bitch. Plain and simple. It was so unfair that she loved a man who would never be hers. She shouldn't even be surprised that this shit had happened to her. It wasn't like life dealt her a good hand anyway. She was a woman with no past.and seemingly no future.
She had been sitting on the couch for hours thinking about her life and the man that occupied her thoughts. She couldn't remember when she had last gotten a good night's sleep.too damn long, she was sure of that.
Lying down on the couch, Faye stretched her arms and laid them on her stomach. She couldn't sleep in her own bed, but maybe she would have better luck on the couch, though she wouldn't get her hopes up. If she kept having sleepless nights, she would start looking hideous soon. And she'd be damned if that happened. Looks was all she had. Laughing at herself, she turned over on her side.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Spike rolled over for what seemed to him like the hundredth time that night. He was restless. He shifted to lie on his back as he placed his arm over his eyes. Every time he closed his eyes, he'd dream the same dream. Two years passing did nothing to suppress the almost constant nightmares.
No matter how much he tried, he couldn't stop thinking about them. The way Julia looked as she arched almost gracefully to hit the pavement below her kept flashing vividly through his mind. That had to be the lowest moment of his life. She was everything to him and that fact killed him, it gnawed at his soul.
He was never one to be sentimental, though he could recall a short time in his life, when he was completely happy. Life with Julia, brief as it was, was so surreal to him.
And yes, at one time, having Vicious as a friend was something he really counted on. Yet one thing he could admit to was that if he had a chance to be with her all over again, knowing he'd have to betray Vicious to do it, knowing that in the end he'd lose her and be forced to kill his ex-best friend, he'd do it willingly. Maybe that made him a selfish person, but he didn't care.
He hated thinking about what he lost. He was sick of it actually. He just didn't seem to be able to get over it. She haunted him when he was awake and when he was asleep. Vicious was always there, killing him over and over again in his nightmare.
Spike rubbed his eyes.
God, he needed a cigarette.
Pushing himself up with his elbows, he reached over to his coat and pulled out a pack. Opening the lid, he discovered he was out. Cursing to himself, he got up and left his room.
He'd have to find some cigarettes if he was planning on ever sleeping tonight.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Swearing to herself, she sat back up. She could see that trying to sleep was going to be useless. Damn insomnia.
She needed a cigarette. She pulled one out and lit it filling her lungs with the toxins that relaxed her. It was the only thing that calmed her nerves. She knew they were bad for her, but she didn't particularly care at that moment. Screw the dangers on the warning labels. Just who the hell was the surgeon general anyway? She'd lived longer than she seemed any damn way.
Dazed in her own little world, she didn't see or here him before he asked her a question, scaring the shit out of her.
"What are you doing up? Couldn't sleep?" His voice was a little scratchy and tired like he needed sleep and a good tall glass of water.
Faye looked up and saw Spike. Her heart jumped. She noticed how annoyingly cute he looked with his clothes all rumpled and his hair a slight mess. Recovering herself, she gave him a scathing look that she was sure didn't affect him at all.
"Mind not scaring me?" She said, trying to force his image out of her brain. He didn't say anything. She sighed and decided to answer his previous question. "No. What about you?"
"Isn't it obvious?" Spike came over and sat on the couch next to her and put his feet up on the table.
She bit back a biting retort to his comment, because suddenly realized she wasn't in the mood for a fight.
"Want a cigarette?" She asked.
He looked over at the offered cigarette and took it gratefully. He lit it thinking it was just what he needed. Taking a deep drag of his cigarette, he looked over at Faye. The sight of her made him grin. She looked like crap, like she hadn't gotten a decent night sleep in days. Her hair, she threw up into a ponytail was coming down and her eyes were kind of puffy.
He couldn't resist giving in to the temptation of teasing her. He never could. She was fun to aggravate.
"You know.you don't look so hot. Maybe you're starting to show your real age." He hoped she'd say something funny back.
But for once, she didn't seem to want to rise to the occasion of giving in to fighting with him. "Thanks," was all he got in return for his smart ass remark.
Ok.she didn't take the bait on that one.something wasn't right. She was in one of her sentimental moods. And one thing he hated was moody women. Spike tried to change the subject.
"Thinking about the bounty we collected today?" he asked trying to be all nonchalant.
"Hmm."
He scratched his head with his free hand. Well, if she didn't feel like having a conversation.he sure wasn't going to push for one. He never was much of a conversationalist, if you didn't count the fighting he and Faye did.
They both sat there and smoked their cigarettes, passing the time.
Just when Spike was thinking of going back to bed, Faye broke the silence.
"Spike?" she asked in a quiet tone.
"Huh?" he wasn't quite sure what she'd say. Her next words surprised him to say the least.
She asked so quietly he almost didn't hear her. "Why can't you get over her?"
Spike nearly choked on his cigarette. His eyes narrowed at the question. "Excuse me?" His asked in a threatening and bewildering tone. He blew smoke out of his mouth in an angry manner.
His mind was racing. How dare she? What gave her the damn right to ask that?
"I don't guess you have to answer me." She attempted lamely. Before she could lose her courage, she continued. "It just really worries me sometimes. It's a little creepy how weird you get, how quiet."
He was at a loss for words. "I...don't know why...." he stumbled across the reply.
Worried? Since when did she worry about him? It was just like a woman. They always worried about someone. Women couldn't live with people and not get attached to them one way or another.
He felt strangely betrayed and even hurt by such a blunt question. He was a jumble of emotions. And it scared him to think that Faye was the one who brought so much emotion out of him by asking such a simple, yet complex question, emotions he hadn't used in so long. And suddenly, he was angry.
He shot to his feet towering over her. "You know, I always knew that you were bitchy, but I had no idea you were such a nosy woman." His eyes flashed in anger and resentment for having to feel this way. He felt a little satisfaction seeing her reaction.
Her eyes widened with shock, before her anger got the better of her and flared to the surface. She jumped to her feet as well. Her eyes narrowed. "Look, I'm sorry if you're offended but you don't have to prove to me how much of an asshole you really are."
"Then don't ask me dumb questions." He shot back, his voice steadily rising.
"Well the question obviously had validity since you're so visibly pissed about something!!" She was on the verge of screaming.
He stepped closer to her, trying to retain some of his self control that he couldn't seem to manage whenever she was around.
"You think you're so smart?! You have no idea what it's like, Faye. So shut your goddamned mouth, before I shut it for you!" He was pleased to see he affected her by his comments. He wanted her to hurt just like he was hurting. He wanted her to lose control like him.
Faye was about two seconds away from doing one of two things. The first, to slap him so hard across the face that his head would spin, or two, completely rip his clothes off and let him have his way with her.
That thought left her drained of her anger and she opted for neither. "Oh, aren't you a big man? Trying to threaten me won't work," her voice was strangely calm.
He stepped closer until he could see the flicker of lighter green in her already deep green eyes. His advantage in height pleased him. He was so frustrated with her that he could literally spit.
"No one's trying to threaten anyone. I'm just trying to make a point, Faye."
Suddenly all of the fight was gone from Faye and at that moment all she wanted was to get as far away from him as she could. "Let go of me."
Her request startled Spike because he didn't even know he had grabbed her upper arm. He quickly released her. "I'm tired of this, I'm going to bed. Fight with yourself, Spike."
"Fine," was all Spike could manage to retort. He watched her until she wasn't visible among the darkness of the hall. He raked a hand through his tangled mop and sat down with frustration.
He stared unseeing trying to make sense of all of the emotion Faye pulled from him. Her question evoked anger, but also embarrassment. But why should he be embarrassed?
Because, he didn't know he was that transparent. He lay back on the couch and sighed.
Not for the first time that day, he thought about his relationship with Faye. She aggravated him like no one else managed to do, but all the same he respected her. And yes, he was attracted to her. He was a healthy warm- blooded male after all.
He placed his hands behind his head, trying to get comfortable. Dammit. This was going to have to stop. He needed to get some sleep. He would worry about this tomorrow.
Before he could think of much else, he dosed off to sleep. His fight, wore his already beyond exhausted body out.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
*sighs* MUCH BETTER!!! I'm so pleased that this is passable instead of Grade A crap!!! *giggles* It's such a relief that I've rewritten this. Makes me feel better. Please let me know what you think about the difference in this chapter. I'd appreciate it.
Love ya!
Usako
