Disclaimer: I don't own Lord of the Rings. I'm proud to say I don't own
Mary-sues.
Long ago, in a time before reckoning, Eru Iluvatar, while fucking around creating the world and all that crap, made a mistake. Arda was meant to be a paradise, free of evil. But it was not.
Yeah, yeah, Melkor went evil and stuff, but lo and behold! late one night after a caffeine binge, Eru accidentally created a batch of elves with several important functions disabled. They had no capacity for intelligent thought, only the basic emotions, and they had a faulty language module. And as he looked upon them, Eru thought,
'Oh fuck! I screwed up. I can't get rid of them, all the other Christ-figures will laugh at me.'
So to compensate for their shortcomings, he tweaked their beauty a bit. But in doing so, he made a terrible error. He also tweaked certain abilities and functions. Such as seduction. Such as fighting skill.
Such as obsession. . . . . . . . . for blonde, male elves.
Deep was the devastation they unleashed upon Arda. Melkor and Ungolianat looked like freaking Good Samaritans in comparison. Eru bestowed upon his Valar special abilities to rid the world of these foul creatures. And when this failed to work, he shat himself silly and ran around screaming. Eventually one of the Valar slapped him silly and when that didn't work, lit Eru's bong on the Flame Imperishable.
During the hazy hours directly following his drug binge, Eru came up with an idea. It wasn't a particularly good idea, but then again, it WAS drug induced, so that was to be expected.
His plan was to bribe Melkor into taking them all and hiding them. Melkor agreed, on a few conditions. He was to be the ruler of Arda, the elves would be his to command and Varda was to be his sex slave. Eru was about to accept when Varda showed up and bitch slapped him, and Manwë came and bitch slapped Melkor and told him that he was leaving him. Melkor cried like a ten year old girl.
Eru, rubbing his face, slipped Melkor a fiver. Melkor shortened his demands to being ignored in a military sense for at the very least ten thousand years, ten boxes of Belgian Chocolates and a bunch of elves to mutilate. In addition, he was to be allowed to name these foul creatures.
Eru readily agreed, and suggested calling the foul creatures 'fangirls'. Melkor instead chose to name them 'Mary-sues', because that was his pet name for Manwë on evenings when he had had to much sherry.
And so to make a long story short, Melkor imprisoned the Mary-sues in a deep, dark and very nasty place. Eru went back to be the calm creator of existence, and Varda got over nearly becoming Melkor's bitch. Oh, yeah, and Manwë and Melkor got back together for a while, but Melkor's desire to be evil and take over Arda and stuff got in the way. Plus, Manwë had a wonky nose. Manwë went on to be a champion of good and righteousness, and he got a really cool herald!
Eventually, Melkor's ten-thousand years were spent and the Valar pounced and kicked his ass. Because Manwë was involved, Melkor refused to tell them where he hid the Mary-sues. He even stuck out his tongue at them. That was an unforgivable insult, so the Valar kicked his ass out of the circles of the world.
The Mary-sues lay rotting in a dark corner of the world. For eons untold, they lay in their own filth and developed a deep sense of hatred for logic, canon, and anything hideously ugly or prettier than them.
Middle earth was safe from them for thousands of years. Then Sauron made the ring, but that's not too important. What IS important is that a fat abomination made the doings of Arda readily available to the ignorant masses. Some say that Tom Bombadil turned traitor. Others say it was a demented leprechaun. But I, and my opinion is the one that matters, as I am the narrator, believe it was a creepy New Zealander named Peter Jackass or something like that.
His films made Arda, and in particular Middle Earth, known to fangirls. One by one, the Mary-sues were released from their deep, dark prison to wreak terror unheard of upon Middle Earth. Eru, once again, freaked out and shat himself, and as of yet, no Valar has managed to find his bong.
The feeble defenses that were put up around Arda were shattered. Canon was so utterly mutilated that even MANDOS puked when he saw it. Logic screamed and hid, and needed copious amounts of liquor before it could be convinced to even peek out of its hidey-hole. The PPC, valiant though they were, fell in glorious combat with the menace. Grammar gave in and allowed itself to be remade. The Tolkien Purists were set upon and torn apart.
With their major foes gone, the Mary-sues roamed freely over Middle Earth. Helpless to their wiles, the Free Peoples were in a tight spot, and the Forces of Evil and General-not-Niceness laughed their asses off. This is where our story begins. Fear for Arda my friends. I know *I* do.
R/R please.
Long ago, in a time before reckoning, Eru Iluvatar, while fucking around creating the world and all that crap, made a mistake. Arda was meant to be a paradise, free of evil. But it was not.
Yeah, yeah, Melkor went evil and stuff, but lo and behold! late one night after a caffeine binge, Eru accidentally created a batch of elves with several important functions disabled. They had no capacity for intelligent thought, only the basic emotions, and they had a faulty language module. And as he looked upon them, Eru thought,
'Oh fuck! I screwed up. I can't get rid of them, all the other Christ-figures will laugh at me.'
So to compensate for their shortcomings, he tweaked their beauty a bit. But in doing so, he made a terrible error. He also tweaked certain abilities and functions. Such as seduction. Such as fighting skill.
Such as obsession. . . . . . . . . for blonde, male elves.
Deep was the devastation they unleashed upon Arda. Melkor and Ungolianat looked like freaking Good Samaritans in comparison. Eru bestowed upon his Valar special abilities to rid the world of these foul creatures. And when this failed to work, he shat himself silly and ran around screaming. Eventually one of the Valar slapped him silly and when that didn't work, lit Eru's bong on the Flame Imperishable.
During the hazy hours directly following his drug binge, Eru came up with an idea. It wasn't a particularly good idea, but then again, it WAS drug induced, so that was to be expected.
His plan was to bribe Melkor into taking them all and hiding them. Melkor agreed, on a few conditions. He was to be the ruler of Arda, the elves would be his to command and Varda was to be his sex slave. Eru was about to accept when Varda showed up and bitch slapped him, and Manwë came and bitch slapped Melkor and told him that he was leaving him. Melkor cried like a ten year old girl.
Eru, rubbing his face, slipped Melkor a fiver. Melkor shortened his demands to being ignored in a military sense for at the very least ten thousand years, ten boxes of Belgian Chocolates and a bunch of elves to mutilate. In addition, he was to be allowed to name these foul creatures.
Eru readily agreed, and suggested calling the foul creatures 'fangirls'. Melkor instead chose to name them 'Mary-sues', because that was his pet name for Manwë on evenings when he had had to much sherry.
And so to make a long story short, Melkor imprisoned the Mary-sues in a deep, dark and very nasty place. Eru went back to be the calm creator of existence, and Varda got over nearly becoming Melkor's bitch. Oh, yeah, and Manwë and Melkor got back together for a while, but Melkor's desire to be evil and take over Arda and stuff got in the way. Plus, Manwë had a wonky nose. Manwë went on to be a champion of good and righteousness, and he got a really cool herald!
Eventually, Melkor's ten-thousand years were spent and the Valar pounced and kicked his ass. Because Manwë was involved, Melkor refused to tell them where he hid the Mary-sues. He even stuck out his tongue at them. That was an unforgivable insult, so the Valar kicked his ass out of the circles of the world.
The Mary-sues lay rotting in a dark corner of the world. For eons untold, they lay in their own filth and developed a deep sense of hatred for logic, canon, and anything hideously ugly or prettier than them.
Middle earth was safe from them for thousands of years. Then Sauron made the ring, but that's not too important. What IS important is that a fat abomination made the doings of Arda readily available to the ignorant masses. Some say that Tom Bombadil turned traitor. Others say it was a demented leprechaun. But I, and my opinion is the one that matters, as I am the narrator, believe it was a creepy New Zealander named Peter Jackass or something like that.
His films made Arda, and in particular Middle Earth, known to fangirls. One by one, the Mary-sues were released from their deep, dark prison to wreak terror unheard of upon Middle Earth. Eru, once again, freaked out and shat himself, and as of yet, no Valar has managed to find his bong.
The feeble defenses that were put up around Arda were shattered. Canon was so utterly mutilated that even MANDOS puked when he saw it. Logic screamed and hid, and needed copious amounts of liquor before it could be convinced to even peek out of its hidey-hole. The PPC, valiant though they were, fell in glorious combat with the menace. Grammar gave in and allowed itself to be remade. The Tolkien Purists were set upon and torn apart.
With their major foes gone, the Mary-sues roamed freely over Middle Earth. Helpless to their wiles, the Free Peoples were in a tight spot, and the Forces of Evil and General-not-Niceness laughed their asses off. This is where our story begins. Fear for Arda my friends. I know *I* do.
R/R please.
