Elrond glided dramatically into the circle of chairs arranged around
a short stone pillar. Having a 'What's wrong with this picture moment', he
noticed that there were about thirty or forty more chairs than normal.
Many of the dwarves were missing, save Gimli, and he sat alone, the space
clear for about six feet on either side of him. Many of the young women on
either side of him were whispering, pointing at him and making disgusted
faces.
Wait, what? Women? He distinctly remembered NOT inviting any women to the Council. Not only was it supposed to be a guys-only thing, with beer and Buffalo wings and the like, but virtually every female in Middle- Earth was pissed at him for ruining Celebrian's party.
He pouted for a moment. Was it his fault that he didn't look good in purple? Was it his fault that he had an allergic reaction to Celebrian's make-up? Was it his fault that he had put runs in all of her fish-nets. . . oh, wait, that was his fault. His musings were interrupted by a stunning girl in a dress that exposed a LOT of skin. She had pink eyes, and. . . what? Pink eyes? He stopped and stared into those eyes until he began to feel a little dizzy.
"Welcome, Liarna, daughter of the Elfish sisterhood."
What the HELL had he just said? What was the Elfish sisterhood? What kind of B.S. name was Liarna? Why did she have pink eyes? Why didn't he look good in purple?
"Thank you, King Elrond."
Who the hell was King Elrond? Why was Círdan looking so good all of a sudden? Did Grishnahk still remember that he owed him ten bucks?
He walked on to his seat at the apex of the semi-circle, and slumped down into it, lost deep in his thoughts. After a few minutes, Elladan poked him with a stick, causing him to jolt up and start the council.
"Strangers from distant lands. . ."
A hand rose over towards Gimli.
"Yes, Alterntlodonmiel?"
"Can we get rid of the short smelly thing? It's making my head hurt."
Another one, Ilerwen, spoke up, "I think he just farted."
Gimli smiled and leaned back in his seat, looking content.
Elrond shook his head and returned to the council. He made it about half-way through his opening speech when he noticed that none of the females were listening. In fact, they were all chattering mindlessly. He cleared his throat.
They stopped. One said, "Let's just take the ring to Mordor and be done with it!"
Elrond thought that this was a bit quick, but, what the hell? He nodded and said, "One of you must do this."
"I will take it!" shouted Frodo, unnecessarily, seeing as nobody was talking.
'Oookkkaayyyy,' thought Elrond, 'I could have sworn there were a few bitch slaps and crying involved before we came to a decision on who took the Ring. But, oh well, those babes make me so hot I can't think straight anymore.'
"You are too weak!" cried an elf, Oolwen or summat, "I will take the Ring!"
"Like hell you will," screamed another, Sindiana, "I came from Elfshire, and we are immune to the power of the Ring!"
Another one, Gwen. . . or at least that's what he thought. He couldn't understand a damn word that came out of her mouth, and it was punctuated with things that sounded like 'lol', 'm'kay?' and 'omg'. Elrond reached under his chair and grabbed a flask of Mirovour.
Frodo looked a bit unwilling to argue with these women, but the Ring called to him, either that or he was hoping a fight would break out and he would have an opportunity to peek up their skirts; Elrond couldn't tell. He chugged half the flask and everything went slightly blurry. He could dimly hear Gimli say something along the lines of: "I will be dead before I see the Ring in the hands of an elf."
"That can be arranged," snarled another beautiful girl.
Frodo finally piped up, "Um, the Ring has passed to me, and I feel that I must see it to the end."
All the women shrugged and accepted this. Frodo felt awed that ANY number of women had listened to him. He stammered, "But I do not know the way. . ."
He glanced at Gandalf, who was whistling quietly to himself in the corner, pretending not to be there. Elrond took another swig.
"Um, Gandalf," Frodo said, "That's your cue."
"Huh? Oh, yes!" he cleared his throat and rose from his seat majestically, "I will help you bear this burden Frodo Baggins."
"You have my sorcery."
Gandalf raised his eyebrow at the girl who had spoken, "Who the hell are you?"
She narrowed her silver eyes at him, "I am Celedine the Cerulean, elf- wizardess."
THAT one made Elrond's head hurt. He took another swig as Aragorn offered his sword, along with about ten women. Another swig as Legolas and about twenty women offered their bows. A hiccup as Gimli offered his axe. A belch as Boromir and two women joined the growing group in the center. A fart as Sam came running in. Two swigs as Merry and Pippin, pursued by a dozen hobbit women, (when the hell did all these hobbits get here?) came in.
He threw the now-empty flask away drunkenly, knocking a random elf into the river. He counted slowly,
"Fifty comanionsh! Musht be shimbolic shomehow; but anywaysh, you shall be the Fellowship of the Ring. Get the hell out of my shight. I need to be drunk now."
"I thought we were supposed to have a SMALL company. . ."Boromir managed before being rudely interrupted.
"Well why don't YOU leave and it will be smaller?"
"And take the short fat ones with you!"
"You're just a big fat jerk Boromir!"
"Loser!"
Boromir sat down and cried. Frodo came over and patted him on the back,
"There, there."
But the girls didn't give up there,
"Hit him harder Frodo!"
"Beat him in the head!"
One of the one with a strange way of speaking, Kaly, said something which none of the men could understand. All of the women, however, nodded in agreement.
Boromir left. Gimli farted, then left for the toilet. Sam dragged Frodo away from about six women trying to rape him, keeping them back with judicious use of his frying pan. Elrond went to go find some crack. The council went downhill from there
Dozens of scuffles broke out all over the place. Women beat the living piss out of each other to decide who would get to plight their troth with Legolas after the council. Arwen appeared to have disappeared, and in her place, a woman was playing tonsil-hockey with Aragorn while others looked on with jealousy. Surprisingly enough, all of the other elves were left alone to start a poker game.
Chaos reigned as a woman ripped her shirt off and tried to fornicate with Legolas. The poor elf had a small heart-attack and the woman had to be beaten off by Lindir and Erestor. Suddenly, all of the women were intent upon having wild sex with Legolas, Aragorn, Merry, Pippin or (in one case) Glorfindel.
In the ensuing insanity, bitch slaps were dealt, swear words were said, blood was drawn, heads were cut off. Well. . . okay, not the heads. Then, something happened.
It happened to Legolas first, seeing as he was the most exposed. He just sat down and allowed himself to be touched in inappropriate places while the censors screamed themselves into oblivion. Then Aragorn apparently forgot all about Arwen and how she was giving up her mortality for him, and gave in as well. He was followed closely by Frodo, Boromir, Merry and Pippin. Elrond had about six women trying to come on to him, but he was so drunk that he didn't notice, and he kept screaming something about his name, rank and serial number.
Alterntlodonmiel took advantage of her superior super-dee-duper powers and dragged Legolas away to have wild sex with him. Looking disappointed, the other women settled for other elves, and soon, Glorfindel, Lindir, Círdan, Erestor, Elladan, Elrohir, and several other random elves were under their power. Soon, the circle was empty, save for Gandalf, Gimli, fresh off the toilet, and Sam, having been beaten back from trying to rescue Frodo by a dozen rabid women.
Gandalf suggested that they play 'Twister', causing Sam to have a sneaky suspicion that Gandalf had a thing for short hairy men in tight clothing. Gimli, however, slapped Gandalf in the face. A ugly man bitch fight was about to break out, when suddenly, Radagast the Brown and Oliver the Vaguely Polka-dotted came running into the circle, saving Gandalf from certain back-wrenching and Gimli from being impaled on Gandalf's pointy hat.
"Bad news," said Oliver.
"Oh, shit. This isn't as bad as the Butter Incident, is it?"
Radagast shuddered, "Ugh, I hope not. But it is serious," he looked around, "Where's the council, eh? We need to chat. There are these psychotic women running around, attaching themselves to attractive males. Everyone MUST be warned!"
Gandalf shook his head and pulled a flask of beer from under his cloak. He took a swig, "You're too late Radagast. They have already come, and they're off doing the unspeakable with just about everyone in Rivendell."
"Shit."
"They didn't get the Ring bearer, did they? If they got the one Ring, we're fucked," asked Oliver.
"Yep. They took poor little Frodo Baggins, and I shudder to think what they're doing to his poor little virgin body."
Sam clasped his hands behind his back, looked up and away, and started to whistle softly. Gimli slapped his forehead.
"Am I the only one who hasn't got sex on their mind?"
Radagast smiled slyly, "We know all about that hot weekend with Sauron, Gimli."
Sam struggled to keep his lunch where it belonged, "You had sex with a big eyeball?"
"No. . . yes. . . NO! NO!! NO! SHUT UP! You don't know me!"
Oliver the Vaguely Polka-dotted rolled his eyes and looked back at Gandalf, "We have to get that Ring to Mordor. If we don't, he will take over the world."
"That actually doesn't sound too bad," said Gandalf.
"It's not like the Valar have done such a bang-up job on it either," Sam muttered. He suddenly collapsed to the floor, screaming in pain.
Eru smiled down, enjoying his brief moment of sanity.
"Stupid git," the Creator said angrily, "I'll show him 'bang up job'. Stupid little dry-humping bastards, what the hell was I thinking when I made those little fuckers? Or did Aule get a little cheeky and decide to do a little sumthin-sumthin behind my back?"
With that, he sent Aule into spontaneous bouts of pain, and, just for kicks, decided to punish the rest of the Valar too. He was just getting into evil-despot mode when a Vala came up and tapped him on the shoulder.
He zapped her with a bit of the Flame Imperishable. She rolled her eyes, and said,
"Sir, we have about two-hundred more of the Mary-sues in Arda. One of them is a Vala.
Eru stood shocked for a moment, then ran away screaming, "Mr. Rogers! Mr. Jelly! 404! 404! God help me!"
The random Vala sighed and went off looking for Eru's bong.
Meanwhile, back in Rivendell, Sam had recovered from his bout of random screaming. The three Maiar looked at each other.
"It appears Iluvatar is still unhinged," said Radagast calmly.
The other two nodded.
"These creatures," Gimli said, "What are they?"
"They are elves. Mutated mangled elves. Eru screwed up while on a caffeine binge. They are called. . . Mary-sues," Oliver shuddered.
"What must we do?" asked Sam.
"We must gather all that have not fallen under the shadow."
"Of Mordor?"
"That too."
"What are we waiting for?"
With that, the five companions went off to destroy the menace. Oh, yeah, and the ring too.
Wait, what? Women? He distinctly remembered NOT inviting any women to the Council. Not only was it supposed to be a guys-only thing, with beer and Buffalo wings and the like, but virtually every female in Middle- Earth was pissed at him for ruining Celebrian's party.
He pouted for a moment. Was it his fault that he didn't look good in purple? Was it his fault that he had an allergic reaction to Celebrian's make-up? Was it his fault that he had put runs in all of her fish-nets. . . oh, wait, that was his fault. His musings were interrupted by a stunning girl in a dress that exposed a LOT of skin. She had pink eyes, and. . . what? Pink eyes? He stopped and stared into those eyes until he began to feel a little dizzy.
"Welcome, Liarna, daughter of the Elfish sisterhood."
What the HELL had he just said? What was the Elfish sisterhood? What kind of B.S. name was Liarna? Why did she have pink eyes? Why didn't he look good in purple?
"Thank you, King Elrond."
Who the hell was King Elrond? Why was Círdan looking so good all of a sudden? Did Grishnahk still remember that he owed him ten bucks?
He walked on to his seat at the apex of the semi-circle, and slumped down into it, lost deep in his thoughts. After a few minutes, Elladan poked him with a stick, causing him to jolt up and start the council.
"Strangers from distant lands. . ."
A hand rose over towards Gimli.
"Yes, Alterntlodonmiel?"
"Can we get rid of the short smelly thing? It's making my head hurt."
Another one, Ilerwen, spoke up, "I think he just farted."
Gimli smiled and leaned back in his seat, looking content.
Elrond shook his head and returned to the council. He made it about half-way through his opening speech when he noticed that none of the females were listening. In fact, they were all chattering mindlessly. He cleared his throat.
They stopped. One said, "Let's just take the ring to Mordor and be done with it!"
Elrond thought that this was a bit quick, but, what the hell? He nodded and said, "One of you must do this."
"I will take it!" shouted Frodo, unnecessarily, seeing as nobody was talking.
'Oookkkaayyyy,' thought Elrond, 'I could have sworn there were a few bitch slaps and crying involved before we came to a decision on who took the Ring. But, oh well, those babes make me so hot I can't think straight anymore.'
"You are too weak!" cried an elf, Oolwen or summat, "I will take the Ring!"
"Like hell you will," screamed another, Sindiana, "I came from Elfshire, and we are immune to the power of the Ring!"
Another one, Gwen. . . or at least that's what he thought. He couldn't understand a damn word that came out of her mouth, and it was punctuated with things that sounded like 'lol', 'm'kay?' and 'omg'. Elrond reached under his chair and grabbed a flask of Mirovour.
Frodo looked a bit unwilling to argue with these women, but the Ring called to him, either that or he was hoping a fight would break out and he would have an opportunity to peek up their skirts; Elrond couldn't tell. He chugged half the flask and everything went slightly blurry. He could dimly hear Gimli say something along the lines of: "I will be dead before I see the Ring in the hands of an elf."
"That can be arranged," snarled another beautiful girl.
Frodo finally piped up, "Um, the Ring has passed to me, and I feel that I must see it to the end."
All the women shrugged and accepted this. Frodo felt awed that ANY number of women had listened to him. He stammered, "But I do not know the way. . ."
He glanced at Gandalf, who was whistling quietly to himself in the corner, pretending not to be there. Elrond took another swig.
"Um, Gandalf," Frodo said, "That's your cue."
"Huh? Oh, yes!" he cleared his throat and rose from his seat majestically, "I will help you bear this burden Frodo Baggins."
"You have my sorcery."
Gandalf raised his eyebrow at the girl who had spoken, "Who the hell are you?"
She narrowed her silver eyes at him, "I am Celedine the Cerulean, elf- wizardess."
THAT one made Elrond's head hurt. He took another swig as Aragorn offered his sword, along with about ten women. Another swig as Legolas and about twenty women offered their bows. A hiccup as Gimli offered his axe. A belch as Boromir and two women joined the growing group in the center. A fart as Sam came running in. Two swigs as Merry and Pippin, pursued by a dozen hobbit women, (when the hell did all these hobbits get here?) came in.
He threw the now-empty flask away drunkenly, knocking a random elf into the river. He counted slowly,
"Fifty comanionsh! Musht be shimbolic shomehow; but anywaysh, you shall be the Fellowship of the Ring. Get the hell out of my shight. I need to be drunk now."
"I thought we were supposed to have a SMALL company. . ."Boromir managed before being rudely interrupted.
"Well why don't YOU leave and it will be smaller?"
"And take the short fat ones with you!"
"You're just a big fat jerk Boromir!"
"Loser!"
Boromir sat down and cried. Frodo came over and patted him on the back,
"There, there."
But the girls didn't give up there,
"Hit him harder Frodo!"
"Beat him in the head!"
One of the one with a strange way of speaking, Kaly, said something which none of the men could understand. All of the women, however, nodded in agreement.
Boromir left. Gimli farted, then left for the toilet. Sam dragged Frodo away from about six women trying to rape him, keeping them back with judicious use of his frying pan. Elrond went to go find some crack. The council went downhill from there
Dozens of scuffles broke out all over the place. Women beat the living piss out of each other to decide who would get to plight their troth with Legolas after the council. Arwen appeared to have disappeared, and in her place, a woman was playing tonsil-hockey with Aragorn while others looked on with jealousy. Surprisingly enough, all of the other elves were left alone to start a poker game.
Chaos reigned as a woman ripped her shirt off and tried to fornicate with Legolas. The poor elf had a small heart-attack and the woman had to be beaten off by Lindir and Erestor. Suddenly, all of the women were intent upon having wild sex with Legolas, Aragorn, Merry, Pippin or (in one case) Glorfindel.
In the ensuing insanity, bitch slaps were dealt, swear words were said, blood was drawn, heads were cut off. Well. . . okay, not the heads. Then, something happened.
It happened to Legolas first, seeing as he was the most exposed. He just sat down and allowed himself to be touched in inappropriate places while the censors screamed themselves into oblivion. Then Aragorn apparently forgot all about Arwen and how she was giving up her mortality for him, and gave in as well. He was followed closely by Frodo, Boromir, Merry and Pippin. Elrond had about six women trying to come on to him, but he was so drunk that he didn't notice, and he kept screaming something about his name, rank and serial number.
Alterntlodonmiel took advantage of her superior super-dee-duper powers and dragged Legolas away to have wild sex with him. Looking disappointed, the other women settled for other elves, and soon, Glorfindel, Lindir, Círdan, Erestor, Elladan, Elrohir, and several other random elves were under their power. Soon, the circle was empty, save for Gandalf, Gimli, fresh off the toilet, and Sam, having been beaten back from trying to rescue Frodo by a dozen rabid women.
Gandalf suggested that they play 'Twister', causing Sam to have a sneaky suspicion that Gandalf had a thing for short hairy men in tight clothing. Gimli, however, slapped Gandalf in the face. A ugly man bitch fight was about to break out, when suddenly, Radagast the Brown and Oliver the Vaguely Polka-dotted came running into the circle, saving Gandalf from certain back-wrenching and Gimli from being impaled on Gandalf's pointy hat.
"Bad news," said Oliver.
"Oh, shit. This isn't as bad as the Butter Incident, is it?"
Radagast shuddered, "Ugh, I hope not. But it is serious," he looked around, "Where's the council, eh? We need to chat. There are these psychotic women running around, attaching themselves to attractive males. Everyone MUST be warned!"
Gandalf shook his head and pulled a flask of beer from under his cloak. He took a swig, "You're too late Radagast. They have already come, and they're off doing the unspeakable with just about everyone in Rivendell."
"Shit."
"They didn't get the Ring bearer, did they? If they got the one Ring, we're fucked," asked Oliver.
"Yep. They took poor little Frodo Baggins, and I shudder to think what they're doing to his poor little virgin body."
Sam clasped his hands behind his back, looked up and away, and started to whistle softly. Gimli slapped his forehead.
"Am I the only one who hasn't got sex on their mind?"
Radagast smiled slyly, "We know all about that hot weekend with Sauron, Gimli."
Sam struggled to keep his lunch where it belonged, "You had sex with a big eyeball?"
"No. . . yes. . . NO! NO!! NO! SHUT UP! You don't know me!"
Oliver the Vaguely Polka-dotted rolled his eyes and looked back at Gandalf, "We have to get that Ring to Mordor. If we don't, he will take over the world."
"That actually doesn't sound too bad," said Gandalf.
"It's not like the Valar have done such a bang-up job on it either," Sam muttered. He suddenly collapsed to the floor, screaming in pain.
Eru smiled down, enjoying his brief moment of sanity.
"Stupid git," the Creator said angrily, "I'll show him 'bang up job'. Stupid little dry-humping bastards, what the hell was I thinking when I made those little fuckers? Or did Aule get a little cheeky and decide to do a little sumthin-sumthin behind my back?"
With that, he sent Aule into spontaneous bouts of pain, and, just for kicks, decided to punish the rest of the Valar too. He was just getting into evil-despot mode when a Vala came up and tapped him on the shoulder.
He zapped her with a bit of the Flame Imperishable. She rolled her eyes, and said,
"Sir, we have about two-hundred more of the Mary-sues in Arda. One of them is a Vala.
Eru stood shocked for a moment, then ran away screaming, "Mr. Rogers! Mr. Jelly! 404! 404! God help me!"
The random Vala sighed and went off looking for Eru's bong.
Meanwhile, back in Rivendell, Sam had recovered from his bout of random screaming. The three Maiar looked at each other.
"It appears Iluvatar is still unhinged," said Radagast calmly.
The other two nodded.
"These creatures," Gimli said, "What are they?"
"They are elves. Mutated mangled elves. Eru screwed up while on a caffeine binge. They are called. . . Mary-sues," Oliver shuddered.
"What must we do?" asked Sam.
"We must gather all that have not fallen under the shadow."
"Of Mordor?"
"That too."
"What are we waiting for?"
With that, the five companions went off to destroy the menace. Oh, yeah, and the ring too.
