Summary:  Missing scene from "Grim Reminder."  (The one where Logan gets that chip in his head, and he goes up to Canada, and Kurt and Kitty accidentally tag along.)

Spoilers:  Um, "Grim Reminder."  Yeah.

Category: Humor

Notes:  Kurt Plushies for everybody who's reviewing! :D  I love you all.  This "scene" takes off right from the end of the explosion, and finishes before Logan wakes up from the brain surgery.  Without further ado, here is …

=== BUMPITY, BUMPITY, BUMPITY, SPLAT! ===

Kurt and Kitty were sitting on a log, waiting for something to move in their direction.  The dust from the explosion had almost cleared.  Kitty was biting her lip, hoping "Mr. Logan" would be coming soon.  Kurt was getting nervous, too.  Sure, the Canadian was made of steel, literally, but that was a pretty bad blast.  Both of them had almost given up hope when …

"Ooooh."

Logan materialized in the light mist, stumbling towards them.  His costume was ripped to hell, and he could barely walk.  Finally, he just collapsed, with a moan, and was still.

"MR. LOGAN!" Kitty shrieked, and ran over to him.

Kurt followed her.  They both knelt next to the fallen mutant.  Kitty took his pulse and measured it with her watch, sniffing and blinking back tears.  After a minute, she looked up at Kurt.

"Vell?"

"He's alive, but he's hurt, like, bad, Kurt.  We gotta get him home.  Like, right now."

The German put his hands on his hips and snorted.  "Easier said zan done."

"Totally."

"Ach.  Ziss is no good!  Let me find za plane.  Hang on."

Kurt quickly climbed to the top of a nearby tree, where he could get a better vantage point, and looked around until he spied the X-R-15-A84-whatever-the-hell Blackbird, parked in a clearing about 200 meters west of their position.

"Keety!" he yelled, and pointed.  "Eet's dat vay!" 

With a few well-timed jumps, he landed gracefully next to Kitty and Logan. 

"Can you 'port us all there?" she asked.

"Nein.  I can't do a long port mit him.  I'm a leetle out of juice from zat craziness mit Sabretooth.  But if vee can carry Meesta Logan for a leetle vay, zen I can try two short ports."

"Well, that sounds like a plan.  Let me see, like, how far I can get his head up, and then you can get his legs, or something."

"Vell, eef you inseest …"

Picking Logan up wasn't easy.  For starters, he was lying on his belly.  Kurt and Kitty had to work together just to turn him over. 

Kitty grabbed Logan under his arms, gritted her teeth, and pulled up, straining tremendously.  After a minute of struggling with the huge, uncooperative lump of a man, she managed to sit him up.

"Yeesh!  This is, like, way hard!" she complained.  She blew out three breaths for her final attempt.  Kurt tried to hide a smile.  "Hrrrrrrrrgh!" she yelled, scrunching her eyes shut as she pulled, her arms and legs quivering.  With a gargantuan tug, she … got Logan's ass three inches off the ground.  Then she dropped him.

Logan fell onto the snow, spread-eagle, and Kitty staggered back, panting and red-faced.

"Mein Gott, Keety, zat sucked!" Kurt commented, laughing.

Kitty glared at him.  "Oh yeah, *wheeze* Fuzz-Boy?  *pant*  I'd like to see you do *kaff!* better!"

"Ooooh, a challenge!"  He rubbed his three-fingered hands together to warm them up, walked over to Logan.  "Lahkee for you, I haff a brilliant idea!" 

It turned out Kurt's "brilliant idea" was to grab Logan's arms, get them over his own shoulders, and step forward until the larger man draped over him like a big, hairy cape.  The going was rough.  But in the end, he managed to get Logan all the way onto his back.  He scampered along on all fours for a few feet, before stopping to rest.  Kitty squealed in delight.  Kurt was completely covered by Logan.  The way Logan seemed to float along gave Kitty the impression of one of those automatic rabbits at a dog track.  Then, BAMF!  Kurt and Logan were gone.

Kitty hurried to the clearing, just in time to see the Blackbird sitting there, a bit of smoke clearing, and Logan doing his dog-track-rabbit impression again.  She heard panting underneath Logan, which she assumed was Kurt.  (AN: Talk about slash fodder.)  She sprinted over to her friend, who was straining under the 200+ pounds of X-Man on top of him.

"Come on, Fuzzy, like, put some muscle into it!"  She clapped as she cheered him on.  "You're doin' great!  Almost there!"

Kurt was wheezing like a cow giving birth.

"Keety!" he yelped.  "I can't!  He eez too beeg!  I-I'm stahk!"  (AN: That sounds so wrong.)

"One last 'port, Kurt, come ON!"

"I can't!"

"You CAN!  MAKE ME PROUD, DAMMIT!!" she yelled.

"Yaaaaah!" he strained, grinding his fangs.

Ka-BAMF!

They disappeared.

Kitty ran to the plane and phased up through the hull, landing in the main cabin.  Kurt and Logan had both made it, although neither was in terrific condition.  Kurt had gotten them inside the jet.  Unfortunately, they'd arrived in an ungainly tangle on the floor, with the lighter mutant squished on the bottom. 

"Kurt?" Kitty asked, bending over the dogpile.

"Owie," came a moan.

A yellow-gloved, three-fingered hand wormed its way out from underneath Logan and reached for her.  She took it, phased, and pulled Kurt free by yanking him through Logan.  It was quite an effort, but she got him to stand up.  No longer dizzy and able to breathe again, he cracked his neck, and knuckles, and every vertebrae in his flexible back, and then smiled at her goofily. 

"That was, like, gross.  Are you okay?" she asked.

"Oh ja," he said, and slouched comfortably.  "Mach betta."

Kitty didn't look entirely convinced, but he seemed to be all right.  "Like, whatever.  Why don't you try to get us into the air?  I'll take care of Mr. Logan."

"Okee dokee."

Kitty brought out the emergency cot from a small closet and set it up in the aisle.  Kurt gave her a hand getting Logan onto it.  She bustled about grabbing blankets and a pair of scissors, and shooed Kurt to the front of the cockpit.

He tried to start the plane. 

"Access Denied," the cool computer voice said.

"Vas?" Kurt muttered.  He pressed another button.

"Access Denied," the computer voice repeated.  "Please re-enter password."

"Gott in Himmel.  Zere's a passvood?  Ach.  Ve'll neva get out of here."

He pressed a few more buttons. 

"Access Denied.  Please say password again."

"Say ---  Vait a minute.  It's verbal?  Oh, boy.  Hm.  Ah, 'Pizza.'"

Nothing.

"X-Men."

Nada.

"Ah, Charles is God."

Nope.

"Logan is a drama kveen."

Kitty walked up next to him and glared at him.  And nothing happened.

"Ach!  Dammit!  You stupid sing!  Vee vant to go HOME!" he yelled at the control panel.

*DING*

"Welcome.  Kurt Wagner."  Everything lit up.  The engines even started.

"Yay!" Kitty yelled, running for the back.  "Like, let's go, Fuzzy!  I'll call Professor X!"

"Aye, captainette," Kurt replied, and started flicking switches, preparing for take-off.  "How's za patient?"

"Still out.  I cut his uniform off and covered him up, but that's, like, all I can do.  The Professor'll hafta get that stupid chip out of his head when we get back."

"Ja.  Ah you two backled in?"

Hearing nothing, he turned back to look.  Kitty was strapped into her seat, and he could see that she'd wrapped Logan in blankets and had strapped him into place on the cot.  She gave him a thumbs-up.

"Nice job, Kätzchen.  Here vee go!"

And Kurt blasted them off into the wild blue yonder, whistling as he charted a course for the mansion.  He checked his rearview mirror every once in a while, to watch Kitty, lost in thought, communicating with Professor X.  Life was good.  They were going home.  In spite of his sore back, Kurt was feeling rather proud of himself.  He and Kitty had just done what X-Men were supposed to do, and now he was flying a plane!  Solo!

Kitty came over and put a hand on his shoulder.

"How's it going?" she asked.

"Jast fine.  Scott told me all about za Blackbird --- how to take off, how to steer, how to evade --- I can even turn on za radio!" Kurt replied, laughing.

"Wow!  Neat!" 

There was a pause, as Kitty stared out the windshield.  Finally, something occurred to her.

"Um, Kurt?"

"Ja?"

"Uh, did Scott ever teach you how to land this thing?"

Kurt's eyes went very wide, and he turned a pale blue color.  "I knew I forgot somesing," he squeaked.

"Okay, like, don't panic.  I'll handle this.  Um, how far away are we?" 

"Uh, sree minutes."

"Jeez louise!  I'm calling the Professor again.  Maybe he can guide us in."

Kitty did some thinking (AN: which made her, like, way tired.  Oooh, I'm mean today!).  Within seconds, a large flat screen lowered itself into their field of vision and an image of Professor X appeared on it.  He looked exhausted, worried, and slightly annoyed.  "Kitty, Kurt," he acknowledged.

"Hi, Professor!" Kurt yelled, and waved like an idiot.

Kitty rolled her eyes.  "Professor, we're on our way, but Kurt is, like, landing-impaired.  Can you direct us, so we don't crash into the mansion, or land on the lawn, or something?"

"Yes, I'll help you land.  And as soon as we get Logan into the infirmary, I need to have a talk.  With both of you."

Kurt gulped.  Kitty paled. 

"Vell, uh, any time you're ready, Professor.  Guide avay!" Kurt said.

The professor helped them through the landing preparations, and within minutes, they were shooting through the secret waterfall entrance to the holding area.  With nary a bumpity nor a splat, Kurt brought the plane to a gentle halt. 

"Wow, Kurt, that was, like, good!" Kitty commented.  She rubbed his shoulder.  "I'm impressed, Fuzzy!"

Kurt's cheeks went purple.  "Oh, stop!" he said, waving her off.  "C'man, I see vee haff an escort out zere.  Betta get Logan to za ramp."

"Right."

They both shoved the cot toward the ramp, just as it finished opening and touched the stone floor.  Hank came lumbering up, followed by Ororo.  Each of the adults grabbed an end of the cot, and without a word to the two teenagers, hurried back down the ramp, where they transferred Logan to a gurney and wheeled him away.  Kurt and Kitty were irritated and puzzled, respectively.

"Vell!  Dat's gratitude for you!"

"Yeah, like, we saved Mr. Logan's butt!  Not even a 'thank you?'  Yeesh!"

~*~*~X~*~*~

Half an hour later, Logan was in surgery, and Kitty and Kurt were squirming in front of Professor X.

"An accident?" he finally asked, raising a proper British eyebrow.  "That's your explanation for how the two of you ended up in Canada?"

"Yeah," Kitty said.  "We were, like, in the plane, and it just took off!  And I was like, 'Kurt, port us out!'  And Kurt was all, 'No, I can't port!  Too far, and waaaay too fast.'  So we, like, stuck it out.  But at least we were there to help Mr. Logan.  That's something, right?"

The professor looked at her.

"Yes," he conceded.  "You were there.  Unfortunately, Logan cloaked the plane, and Cerebro is down for repairs.  I wasn't able to locate either of you until you contacted me, Kitty.  I …"  He licked his lip.  "When the two of you didn't show up at school, and I found out that neither of you had gotten a ride, I …"

It suddenly hit Kurt why the professor looked so worn.

"Ve're really sorry, Professor," Kurt added.  "Vee deedn't mean to vorry you.  But, hey, look on za bright side --- at least vee deedn't keel anybody!"

The professor crossed his arms and glared at Kurt.

"I sink I'll shaht up now."

"Excellent idea.  You're both dismissed.  I would advise that you go and speak to your colleagues in the kitchen.  They were out looking for you." 

"Yes Professor / Javol, Professor."

They both got up and started to leave.

"Oh, and Kitty?"

Kitty turned around.  "Yes?"

"If you ever again feel the urge to hide in the Blackbird for 'privacy,' kindly repress it." 

"Sure thing, Professor."

~*~*~X~*~*~

Kitty and Kurt walked down the hall for a few paces.  Then they both stopped and let out the breaths they were holding.

"Man, I sought he vas going to keek our butts!" Kurt said.

"Totally.  Well, at least we can just go find the others and go, 'Ta-dah!  We're alive!'"

"I don't know, Keety.  Bad flights usually haff rough landings."

They walked into the kitchen together, Kitty hopeful, Kurt not quite so, and came face to face with Scott, Evan, Jean, and Rogue.  The other four X-Men were leaning on the counter, looking seriously pissed off.  They didn't even ask questions --- they just started throwing fruit.

A few minutes later, Kitty and Kurt were covered in food, blinking, as the other four stalked by them, noses in the air.  Kurt plucked a banana peel off his forehead and sighed.

"Jast like I said.  Bumpity, bumpity, bumpity, SHPLAT."

THE END