Summary: Scott gets Kurt to serenade Jean … with mixed results.
Category: Humor
Notes: Everybody who's reviewing just ROCKS!!! :D Kurt Plushies for you all! Squeeze 'em and love 'em. :D Here's some more cheer fer ya.
=== FLOATING LIKE A WAFER ===
Kurt whistled as he wandered into the kitchen. He stopped, mid-note, with wide eyes. It looked like a small tornado had hit. There was flour all over the counter, utensils lodged in the walls, and food everywhere. Scott Summers was sitting alone at the table, wearing a sauce pan on his head and looking very depressed. He and Jean had been "together" for two weeks, and both of them were seriously stressing over finals. Kurt took in the debris, and sighed. They'd been overdue for a blow-up, anyway.
"Whoa. It's a sad state of affairs vhen za lady's upset, ja?"
Scott looked up. "I am so stupid," he replied.
Kurt wasn't sure whether to argue this point or not, so he skipped the issue and quickly went into problem-solving mode.
"You know," he said, scratching his head, "I don't know if ziss applies in America, but in lots of places in Europe, vhen a guy screws up mit his voman, he gets anda her vindow sill, ant serenades her to say he's sorry."
Scott looked at Kurt in disbelief. "You're kidding, right?"
"No."
"Have you ever heard me sing?"
"Uh, no."
"There's a reason."
"Vhat --- you turn into a pahmkin if you try?"
Scott snorted with laughter. "No, I'm just tone deaf. Serenading her would … Dude, she'd break up with me if I tried that."
"Oh, she vould not!"
Scott just raised an eyebrow at him.
"Oh. You're zat bad, hah? … Sorry."
"It's okay." Scott rapped his fingers on the table, and then suddenly brightened. "But I think I know someone who can serenade Jean! He does all the old favorites --- you know, 'Moon River,' show tunes, anything by the Beatles … he's fantastic."
"Hey, sounds good! Who is he?" Kurt asked.
"You."
Kurt's bright yellow eyes bugged out in shock. "NO VAY! Besides, how did you know I do 'Moon Rivva'?"
"Are you aware of how loudly you sing when you take a shower?"
Kurt's cheeks went purple. He crossed his arms, feigned snootiness, and replied, "I don't know vhat you're talking about."
"Please, Kurt, ya gotta help me."
Kurt groaned.
"Pleeeeeease?"
"I am SO going to regret ziss."
===X===
Scott had gotten the idea from reading Cyrano de Bergerac. He would stand under the balcony of Jean's second story room, while Kurt would stay hidden up against the wall of the building. Then Scott would mouth the words to a song, and Kurt would sing.
"Can you do Jeanie with the Light Brown Hair?" Scott asked, clicking his mouse. "It's an old Stephen Foster ballad from the 1850's." He was downloading the song off KaZaa. Kurt plucked the lyrics out of the printer.
"But Scott, Jean has red hair. Za line doesn't verk."
"So change it."
"Okie dokie." Kurt started marking up the paper with a pen. He figured he should at least do a good job with this. "Hey, Scott?"
"Yeah?
"Vhat I do about mein accent?"
"What about it?"
Kurt rolled his eyes. "Vell, it's not American. It might teep her off."
"Oh, that's right. Shoot! Hmm." Scott snapped his fingers. "Okay, I got it. Kurt, here's the three things you have to remember: pronounce your 'r's, and make a good 'th' noise, and most importantly, every time there's a 'v' noise at the beginning of a word, make a 'w' noise instead."
"Oh, is DAT all!"
"Uh uh," Scott said, shaking a finger at Kurt. "Not 'Dat,' That. THTHTHTHTHat."
For the next fifteen minutes, they had a 'caveman conversation,' with Scott demonstrating consonant noises and Kurt trying to repeat them.
"Okay," Scott finished. "So there you go. I burned you a CD, here's the lyrics, and I think you're all set. Let me know when you're ready."
"Vill do. Dis is going to be great!"
Scott glared at him.
"I --- I mean, wwwwill do. Thththis is going to be grrrrrrreat!" Kurt finished, with a goofy smile.
He tucked the CD into his clothes, put the lyrics paper in his mouth, and bounded out of the room on all fours. Scott sighed.
===X===
Scott spent two days in Jean's doghouse while Kurt figured out Jeanie with the Light Brown Red Hair, in-between gobs of homework and Danger Room sessions. He made sure he worked quietly, alone and away from anyone who could hear him. After a breakthrough on Friday night, he was ready.
He tapped Scott on the shoulder at breakfast on Saturday, and nodded. Scott nodded back, with a relieved grin. Since it was the weekend, most of the Institute's students were at the park or the mall. But a few people were still home, including Jean, who finished her cereal and announced that she was going up to her room. She looked pointedly at Scott and said, "And I don't wish to be disturbed." Then she clomped out.
The dynamic duo took that as their cue. They put their dishes in the sink and ran out of the kitchen.
===X===
Scott and Kurt dashed around the outside of the mansion until they arrived at Jean's bedroom window. Kurt flattened himself against the wall under Jean's balcony, and gave Scott a thumbs-up. Scott returned it, cleared his throat, and called up to her.
"Jean? Look, I know you said you didn't want to be disturbed, but can we talk?"
Silence.
"Please?"
After a long pause, the window finally opened. Jean leaned out, her elbows on her balcony, and looked down at Scott.
"What."
"Jean, I know I was an idiot, and I want to make it up to you. I, uh, I have a surprise."
Jean raised her eyebrows. "Really? What is it?"
Scott cleared his throat, shot a meaningful look at Kurt, and began to "sing," with Kurt's rather impressive baritone (and overdone American accent) coming from his mouth.
I drrream, of Jeanie, wwwwith ththe light rrrred hairrrr,
Borrrne, like a wwwwafer, on ththe summerrr airrr…
Jean raised an eyebrow. Born like a wafer? Scott, for his part, looked at Kurt in horror. Kurt was oblivious. He kept singing.
I seeee herrr trrripping, wwwwwhere ththe brrright strrrreams play!
Happy as the daisies thththat dance on herrr wwwwway!
The mouth movements weren't quite matching up. Jean started giggling, much to Scott's distress.
Many wwwwwerrre the wwwwild notes herrr merrrry wwwwoice wwwwould pourrrr…
After "merry woice," she started to giggle harder.
Many wwwerrre the bliththththe birrrrds thththat wwwwarrrbled them o'errrrrrr!
I drrream, of Jeanie, wwwwith the light rrrred hairrrr,
Floating like a wwwwafer, on ththe soft, summerrr, airrrr.
By the time Scott finished his "serenade," Kurt was panting in exhaustion, and Jean was laughing so hard she was crying.
"Scott, that was the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard!" she managed, between giggles. "And it totally wasn't you. Who's helping you out down there?"
"Uh ---"
"Oh, never mind."
She used her telekinesis and heard a small shriek. After a moment, Kurt floated into view. He gave her an embarrassed grin and waved.
"Hi, Jean. Nice day, ah?"
Jean gave him a once-over. "Are you here of your own free will?"
"Of course!" Kurt replied, a little insulted. "Scott needed mein help! Besides, you sink I vould humiliate myself for anybody but you two? Now, ziss nonsense has gone on long enough! Stop fighting and forgive him!"
Kurt crossed his arms and glared at her like a stern papa, even though he was dangling precariously in mid-air. Jean smiled lovingly at Scott, then turned back to Kurt.
"I just did. By the way, the word is 'vapor,' not 'wafer.'"
"But Scott said to make all ze vees double-yous, and I couldn't very vell say wwwwwapor. It makes no sense!" Kurt argued.
Jean rolled her eyes and lowered him gently to the ground.
"Besides, who is to say zat vafer cookies don't float? Zey are light, ja?"
Jean just shook her head at him.
"He volunteered for it, Jean," Scott said. "I wanted to serenade you, and he knows I can't sing to save my life."
Jean blew a strand of hair out of her face and smiled down at Scott again.
"Come on up."
Scott grinned at her and turned to go back into the house, when he saw that Kurt was following him.
"Uh, Kurt?"
"Ja?"
"Why don't you go serenade somebody else?"
"Vhat, now?"
"Yeah."
Scott turned and left Kurt standing there on the grass, his tail flicking despondently. Message received, loud and clear.
Or not.
===X===
Kurt skidded to a halt under another second story bedroom. He straightened his shirt, cleared his throat, and bellowed …
I dream of Keety, vit za light brown hair,
Borne like a vapor, on za summer air!
Kitty ripped her window open and yelled, "Kurt, shut UP! I'm trying to study! What the heck are you doing, anyway?!"
Kurt snorted. "It's called singing, Keety. I helped Scott serenade Jean, and then he said, 'Kurt, go serenade somebody else.' So I here I am!"
He spread his arms like, "Ta-dah!" Kitty pinched the bridge of her nose in frustration.
"Yeah, like, here you are. Kurt, that was Scott's way of saying 'Get lost.' He didn't literally mean 'go serenade somebody else.'"
Kurt's face fell.
"Sorry," Kitty added, seeing his disappointment.
"Man, diss sahks. I help him get his girlfriend back, and he cuts me loose like nussing!"
Kitty felt a little pang of pity for the furry elf. "Well, I like, know I'm going to regret this, but … lemme hear the rest, blue boy. Come on."
Kurt happily obliged, and when he was through, Kitty was looking at him thoughtfully.
"I'll be right back."
She disappeared for a moment, and returned with a small bag.
"I know if the chicks like it, they're supposed to throw roses an' junk, but like, all we've got is potpourri!"
She shook out the bag of dried flowers and cinnamon sticks over the balcony. Most of it landed on Kurt. He laughed and brushed it out of his hair. Aw, he looks so cute covered in crap, Kitty thought.
"Come on up, Fuzzy. I need some help with my German homework."
And she winked at him.
It took Kurt a second to get over the shock, but he did, and gleefully 'ported into her room. The jump was so intense that it knocked off all the potpourris. Kitty's offering stayed outside, floating down through the summer air, and landed on the grass where he'd just been.
THE END
