Hi, everybody!  I know this sucker has been sitting idle for six weeks, but Fateema said, "Hey yo!  Get up off yo' ass and DO something with this!" --- kind of.  :D  And so I must obey.  This will probably be the final story before the Grand Finale of Project: Wagner.  Thanks once again to everybody who is reviewing this thing.

Oh, and I have some exciting news!  I drew a picture for this collection in pen and ink, sort of like a cover for a book, and gave it to this lovely website dedicated to Kurt on Evo, called Wagnerszenen.  The guy who runs it will put it up when he updates in December.  I will let you all know the instant it's up, and give you the link to Wagnerszenen if you want to see the pic.  I'll post where to go both at the beginning of this collection (for newbies) and at the end (for um, old-bies.)  :D  And maybe somewhere in the middle, too.

Summary: Forge's latest invention turns the Institute upside-down!

Rating: PG-13, edging on R, for um, "mature themes."  And Rogue says the four-letter word for "poo poo."

Category: This is full of SLASH, but only because this story is a PARODY of Slash Fanfiction, which means this is intended as HUMOR.  And in the middle of it all, there's some KURTTY.  Talk about a crazy story!  (Sorry.  I know the Bold and Caps and Underline thing is overkill, but I didn't label this all that well when I posted yesterday, and I think I freaked out a couple of my best reviewers.  They were like, "Slash?  Eww!"  So I'm making sure there's no mistake.)

Note: This is perhaps the most risqué thing in this collection.  And it's also a personal challenge, because I don't write slash.  In general, I find it … what's the most academic term I can use?  Oh, yeah.  Niz-ASS-tay.  That said, Slash has its share of renegade, bad-ass writers, and I have found one in the X-Men Evo domain. 

And this is why I command you to check out "It's a Good [Expletive Deleted] Morning," by Morwen O'Conner.  In fact, check out ANYTHING by Morwen O'Conner.  She's amazing.  Also see her website, full of great pictures, funny fanfics, and other cool stuff devoted to everyone's favorite four-eyed do-gooder, Scott Summers!  It's called "Fatal Optic," and you can link to it easily through "Beyond Evolution."  I've never met Morwen, but this chick rules.  You should check her out.

Not like THAT.  Be nice.

She'll probably never even see this.  But if she does, she should know that her title inspired this one.  So Morwen, here's to you and all the slashy, slutty (and well-written!) goodness you create.  With any luck, you'll see that this is in good fun, and you will not flame me.  Cheers!

---X---X--- X-Pletive Deleted ---X---X---

Kitty was leaning against the wall of the Danger Room, looking like, totally bored, and watching Forge, the Institute's resident mechanical genius, as he darted about with a rag, polishing his latest machine.  Kitty was not really interested in Forge's latest machine, and she couldn't really remember why she was here in the first place, but that thought was quickly blown out of her head as the door opened.

Scott walked in angrily, in full uniform.  He was pushing a very grumpy Lance Alvers (whose hands were cuffed behind him), while carrying Pietro Maximoff under one arm.  (The boy was bound ankle to neck in ropes and fighting desperately to get free.)  Evan walked in too, jerking Todd Tolensky along on a leash, and leading Fred Dukes by the hand, like a three-year-old. 

Kitty was surprised, to say the least.  So were the other girls, who were walking in.  Jean was running her fingers through her long red hair and staring at the scene in amazement.  Rogue flipped a white bang out of her face and glared at the whole lot.

"Whut the hell's goin' on?" she asked.

"We caught all of these idiots trying to get in," Scott said, and nudged Lance just enough so that he lost his balance and landed hard on the floor, with an "oof!"  "I figured we should bring them in here so the professor can wipe their minds, and then we'll send them on their way."  He was panting slightly from the exertion of carrying Pietro.

"Good idea," Jean said, all the while eyeing Scott's expanding and collapsing rib cage under his uniform. 

Her tone of voice gave her eyes away, and Rogue made a gagging noise.  Kitty giggled.  Jean glared at them both. 

"Uh, I don't think the professor will be here anytime soon," Forge said, standing in front of a massive machine that looked like a giant computer with a ray gun on top. 

"Whoa!  What the heck iz ZAT, yo?" Toad asked, looking at the device.

"This, my fine, slimy friend, is a Gaser."

The room was completely quiet.

"A what?"  Kitty asked.  "Did you say 'a geyser'?  Like Old Faithful?  'Cuz that doesn't look like a geyser to me!"

"No!" Forge shouted.  "It's a GAY-ser!"

Again, dumbfounded silence.

"It's a laser that makes people gay!" Forge said.  "Isn't that cool?"

A disgusted pause.

"NO, you doofus, that is like, totally NOT cool!" Kitty chirped.  "In fact, that's like, the dumbest thing I've ever heard of!"

Apparently the guys (free and bound) were in agreement with Kitty.  They all started laughing at Forge, who turned a lovely shade of terra cotta and marched over to his machine.

"Laugh at me, will you?  Well, prepare to meet your social ends, people!"

BZAAAAP!

A jet of green light shot out of the ray gun attachment and fried all the guys, who happened to be standing right in front of the damn thing.  Apparently they'd missed the "Don't stand in front of a giant gun" lecture in superhero class.  The shock left the bunch of spandex-clad young men on their hands and knees, rubbing their heads and moaning. 

Scott was the first to stand up.  Jean tried to go to him, but Rogue held her back and shook her head "no" --- because something bizarre had happened.

Scott stared at Lance, who was struggling to get up --- a difficult task with his hands behind his back. 

"Hey, easy there!" Scott said, kneeling down next to the other boy.  "Let me help you."  He tenderly undid the latch on Lance's handcuffs and helped him stand up. 

"Thanks," Lance said.

They both looked at each other for a long beat, as only opposites can look at each other.  It was the good boy versus the renegade.  The leaders of their clans.  Light and Dark.  Yin and Yang.  The emotions running through them at the moment were overwhelming.  Scott blushed and gave a boyish grin, which made Lance blush, and run his fingers through his hair.  Scott ran his fingers through his own.  Then Lance ran his fingers through Scott's hair, and Scott ran his fingers through Lance's hair, and the two of them started making out like … well, exactly what they were --- a couple of horny teenagers.

Jean fainted.

Evan and Pietro weren't faring any better.  Evan undid Pietro bonds, and they had a small, if uncomfortable, silence.  Evan broke it.

"You know, I always thought you were hot," he said.  "Guess that's why I always hated you and pushed you away."

"Aw, that's okay, baby," Pietro replied, running a finger down Evan's chest.  "You can apologize to me lllllater."

"Yeah, guess I can," Evan teased, pulling Pietro into an embrace.  "But right now, I want something better.  Something real."

"Well, BOO-yah!  Come an' get me, Chocolate-Dip!"

"Mm.  How you want it, Cream?"

"Du-uh!  Fast!" Pietro said, cuddling up to Evan and kissing his neck.  "And fun!"

"That works.  Course, we might end up calling you Fudge."

"Oh?  Why?"

"Cuz I might wanna mix a little chocolate in your cream later, if you know what I mean."

"Oh, Evan, you sassy bitch, you!" Pietro declared lustfully.

And THEY started making out.

"Oh, mah god!" Rogue said, watching the two of them.  "Shit!  Ah knew he wuz quick, but ah nevah knew he could do all that crap with his tongue!"

Kitty elbowed her.  She had moved out of "shocked" and was approaching "mortified."

Toad, sadly, was having no luck with Freddy.

"Please, Blob?  Just one little kiss?"

"Hell, no!" Fred said.  "Just cuz we're gay don't mean I gotta kiss ya!"

"Hey, I'm da only one left!  C'mon, less go!  Everybody else is rippin' each other's clothes off!"  Toad was referring to Scott and Lance, who had peeled back each others uniforms and were now exploring each others torsos with their tongues.  "The least you could do is make out with me!"

"Uh uh!  No way!" Fred said, and turned around.

"Aaaah, no!  No no no!  Don't you dare, Freddy!  Don't you DARE walk away from me!"

Fred did.  Toad began to cry.

"Ya lousy son-of-a-BITCH!" he yelled petulantly.  "Ah HATE you!"

Forge was laughing maniacally. 

"Why, Forge, why?!  Why did you do this?"  Kitty was getting hysterical.

"Because I can, sweetie, that's why!  Ha ha ha!"

"Oh, that's it!  I'm calling the professor!  He'll straighten this out!" Kitty shouted at him.

Forge just cackled.  "Good luck, babycakes!  I tested this laser on him and Mr. McCoy!  Beast lifted him out of his chair, and put him on the desk, and WHAMMO!  They've been makin' the slamma-jamma upstairs, for like, an HOUR!  He is OCCUPIED!"

And sure enough, from up above, Kitty could hear groans of pleasure and the thumping of office furniture.

"Oh my God!  Ewww!"

And into this fray of madness and screaming and making out … walked Kurt Wagner.  He looked around, stunned, at his friends (and enemies), and then at Forge.

"Vhat za hell is goink on?!" he yelled over the noise.

"HA HA HA!  The end of your blue, furry, heterosexual EXISTENCE, THAT'S what's going on!  Welcome to Gayville, Kurt!"

"Vas?!"

"Kurt, DUCK!" Kitty yelled.

Kurt was too confused to duck.  The laser fired, catching him square in the chest.  It blasted him off his feet, and hurled him backwards through the air.  He landed in a moaning heap on the floor.  Kitty ran over to him and gathered him into her lap. 

"Oh, my God!  Kurt!  Are you okay?" she asked, getting his bangs out of his face.

"Keety, I haff maybe six seconds before I become a screaming kveen."  Kurt was panting in her arms like he was dying.  He looked deeply into her eyes and said, "I love you.  I vill ALVAYS love you.  Okay?"

"Oh, Kurt!" Kitty said, sniffling.  "I l-love you, too!"

Kurt was just reaching up to hug her, when he started to twitch.  He passed out in her arms, but came to again quickly, rubbing his head. 

"Kurt?" Kitty asked, hesitantly.

They both stood up.  Kurt was a bit dizzy.  Kitty steadied him for a second.  He looked like he'd forgotten how he got there, but then he began to look her up and down.  "Wow!  How pretty!" he exclaimed. 

She preened.  "Thank you!"  She turned smugly to Forge and said, "Your little laser totally didn't work, LSD Boy!  Kurt's as straight as an arrow, so HA!"

"Oh.  Mein Gott!" Kurt gasped.  He appeared to be staring at her feet.  Kitty whirled around and looked at him in confusion. 

"What?" she asked.

"Vere did you get zose shoes?  I love zem!" he squealed, making some sort of idiotic flapping gesture with his hands.

All the color drained out of Kitty's face.  Toad sauntered up to Kurt and boldly put his grimy, webbed hand in the back pocket of Kurt's cargo pants.  Kurt, instead of looking disgusted and judo-flipping Toad on his ass, looked back with definitely flirty eyes, then looked back at Kitty.

"Oops, gotta go!" he said, and walked off arm in arm with Todd Tolensky.  "Time for funzies!"

"Time for WHAT?!" Kitty screeched.

Cher's hit tune, "Walking in Memphis," began to play, and Kitty suddenly realized that it was being sung by all the newly gay guys.  Scott had stopped licking Lance long enough to kick it off.

"Put on my blue suede shoes, and I boarded the plane," he sang, with the other guys doing back up noises with their voices.

"Touched down in the land of the Delta Blues, in the middle of the pourin' rain!" Lance sang, his arm firmly around Scott.

"WC Handy?" Pietro threw in.  "Won'tcha look down over me?" Evan chimed in, harmonizing with him.

"'Cuz I got a first class ticket!  And I'm as blue as a boy can be!" Kurt bellowed.

And they all sang …

"Then I'm walkin' in Memphis!  Walkin' with my feet ten feet off of Beale!  Walkin' in Memphis!  But do I really feel the way I feel?…"

The other dudes formed a chorus line and sang the chorus again.

And Kitty watched in horror as Kurt forgot about singing entirely, and started making out with Toad.

She dropped to her knees and howled at the ceiling, "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO---"

*XXX*

"---OOOOOOOOOO!" she screamed, and sat bolt upright in bed, breathing hard.

Rogue was at her side in a minute. 

"Lord, girl, whassamatter with you?  Ya' tryin' ta wake the whole damn house?"

*BAMF*

"Keety?" Kurt said.  He'd landed on her bed.  "Ah you all right?"

There were people banging on the door and yelling.  Kitty didn't even acknowledge the racket.  She just kept panting.  She felt a fuzzy hand on her should and looked at Kurt, who looked positively startled. 

"Ah ve going to haff to call in an exorcist?  Vhat happened?"

By this time, the door had opened, and Scott, Jean, and Evan were all peeking into the room.

"I --- I had a bad dream.  That was all.  I'm so sorry I scared everybody."

Kurt sighed.  "Vas it ze one viss all of us turning gay again?"

Kitty's face crumpled up in misery.  She nodded. 

"Ach, come here, meine fraulein," he said, and held out his arms.  Kitty fell into them and sniffed.  Rogue rolled her green eyes. 

"Y'all have got ta be tha biggest idjuts ah've ever seen.  Kitty, Kurt ain't gay.  An' Kurt, Kitty needs ta sleep, an' so do ah.  Now git!  An' all you people kin shove off, too.  She's okay!"

Kurt released Kitty, snapped a salute and teleported away.  The others mumbled apologies and good-nights, and went back to their rooms. 

Rogue flopped over, muttering, and went back to sleep. 

And Kitty, newly encouraged, burrowed under the covers and dreamed of meadows, and sunny skies, and blue fur.

THE END!

--------

Well?  Like it?  Hate it?  Amused?  Disgusted?  Speak your mind.

By the way, this is not only inspired by the behavior of all my gay friends at school, it's got a smattering of Will & Grace in there.  And as for the Cher stuff, I couldn't resist.  A friend of mine attended a Cher concert where she opened by saying, "Good evening ladies, and gentlemen … and more FLAMBOYANT gentlemen…" which got her a huge man-squeal from the first three rows.  I leave the brain-wrenching deduction to you.

Peace and love,

Kiki