Pure, utter, and complete fluff.  Blame it on the "WHEEEE!  FINALS ARE OVER!  PARTY HARDY!" happies.  Enjoy!

=== FLAMBÉ BLEU ===

The sun shone brightly in the June sky.  It was a clear, warm day, and school had just ended.  The euphoria at this blessed event had resulted in an enormous party out behind the Institute, with students splashing in the pool and eating, often simultaneously.  Logan and Hank were wolfing down hamburgers and talking on a bench next to a large picnic table, which was weighed down with fruit and big bowls of different salads.  Ororo was mixing up some whipped cream and fruit concoction.  Kitty, her hair full of ketchup, was chasing Bobby and yelling at him.  Evan and Kurt were manning the barbecue.

"So.  Two more days here and then you're taking off for Germany?" Evan asked, dousing the grill with fresh lighter fluid.  He loved barbecuing, and liked to think that he knew what he was doing.  (He didn't.)

"Ja.  For two months!  Man, I'm glad to be going home, but I'll really miss ziss place."

"Yeah, we'll have to think of another way to drive ourselves nuts when you're not here," Evan said, with a laugh.

"Aaargh!" Kitty screeched as she ran by, now blinded by mustard.  She was out for Iceman's blood.

"Vell, zere's alvays Bobby," Kurt remarked.

Evan smiled.  He'd been dousing the grill with lighter fluid this whole time, and neither boy had been paying attention.  "Tru dat," he said, and lit a match.  "Okay dude, stand back!"

They both backed away, but not nearly far enough, and Evan tossed the match onto the grill. 

Ka-BLAMMO!

The fireball that erupted from the barbecue was something to behold.  Everybody stopped what they were doing to watch it.  The smoke rolling off the grill looked like a mushroom cloud and when it finally cleared, Evan and Kurt were just standing there, blinking, covered in ash.

"Whooooaa," they said together.

Kurt snapped out of it first.  "Zat vas so kül!" he yelled. 

Just as they slapped five, Logan and Hank came walking over with resigned, annoyed looks on their faces.  But everyone would later agree that the fireball had been a pretty awesome show.  Evan was unharmed, just covered in soot.  Kurt, on the other hand, had a pressing problem that he didn't even recognize for a few seconds.  He sniffed the air.

"I smell smoke," he commented.

And then Evan looked at him.  His eyes bugged out.

"Kurt!  Your HAIR is on fire!"

"Oh, stop it!"

"NO, man, it really IS!"

And indeed, he was right.  A small flame had leapt off the fireball and was now burning cheerfully on the left side of Kurt's head, just behind one of his bangs.  And it was getting bigger.  A few more crickly-crackly noises and Kurt felt something.  Big time. 

"AAAAAH!"

He bolted into the house with Evan in hot pursuit, frantically stuck his head in the kitchen sink and slapped the water on, urging it to come forth in his native tongue.  He was panicking as only a person whose head has suddenly become a tinder box can panic… because nothing was happening.

"Crap!  Zere's no vater!  Help!" he yelled, frantically flipping the water on and off.  He didn't even notice that his right bang was in the garbage disposal hole.

"Oh damn!  It's set to the hand-sprayer!  Hang on!" Evan yelled.  He grabbed the hand-sprayer, which was coiled in the other sink well, aimed it at Kurt, and blasted him.  Unfortunately, he got a little too excited and his elbow whacked into the wall switch for the garbage disposal.  It whirred to life and quickly got its blades tangled up in Kurt's hair.

"Aaaah!  Son of a BITCH!  Ow!  EVAAAAN!"

"Sorry!"

Fortunately, Logan picked that moment to run in.  He raced to sink, knocked Evan on his ass, and reacted to the situation faster than was humanly possible --- yelling "Calm down, kid!  Quit squirming!" while turning off the disposal with one hand and spraying Kurt with the other.  After a few seconds of Logan gritting his teeth and blasting the flames out, and smoke everywhere, and Kurt gagging and spluttering, the fire was extinguished.  Logan backed off and sighed in relief. 

It seemed that the situation was under control, at least for now.  Kurt was no longer on fire.  This was good.  But he was painfully stuck in the sink with his neck at a funny angle, and his right cheek was smashed up against the garbage disposal hole.  His tail was going crazy and he could hear this odd mewling noise, like a trapped kitten.  It took him a second to realize that he was the source of the sound.

"Whoa!  Dude, are you okay?" Evan asked, getting up from the floor.

"Shut up, Porcupine!" Logan replied, surveying the situation.  He muttered some words not for tender ears and gave a neural command.

SNIKT

There was a quick silver flash in the sink, and suddenly Kurt was free.  Logan had cut him out of the disposal.  Kurt stood up with a wince and moan, and cricked his neck to line everything up again.  His furry face was slightly singed, but he seemed to be all right --- with the exception of his hair. 

Logan let out a low whistle and muttered, "Holy crap."  He sheathed his claws.  Fast.

Kurt was still kind of dazed.  "Vhat?"

Ororo ran in, toweling off her hands.  "I heard screaming.  What happ…"  The words died on her lips at the sight of Kurt.  "Oh, heavens!  Kurt, are you all right?"

"I sink I'm okay."

And then he felt his head.  His eyes went wide.  He whirled around and stared at his reflection in the shiny silver refrigerator.  The left half of his head looked like a forest after a wildfire, and his right bang was snipped down to a nubbin.  He stared down into the sink and saw a big blue tuft sticking out of the garbage disposal hole.

"Mein Gott.  You didn't!"

"Sorry, kid.  Had 'ta."

Kurt sighed, murmured a few colorful German words under his breath, and looked desperately at Ororo.  Fortunately her motherly instincts kicked in and she shooed him out of the kitchen before anyone else saw him.  They escaped just in time, too.  Kitty, who was now completely covered in condiments (she had pickle relish on her shirt), raced into the kitchen with a posse of friends as soon as the two of them had gone. 

+X+

Kurt looked around at Ororo's attic bedroom.  He was not a very happy elf, and he had a feeling that this haircut wasn't going to help matters, but he was nonetheless obediently perched on a stool. 

"Okay, here we go!" Ororo said cheerfully, walking into the room with an armload of stuff. 

Ororo had been named the Institute's official hairdresser after the first time she'd given Beast a trim, and she'd been trimming him every week since, so she'd gotten pretty good with the scissors.  Whistling a little tune to herself, she draped Kurt with a plastic tablecloth and fastened it at the back with a clothespin.  A half spin and Kurt was facing her full-length mirror.  She set down her tools, combed what remained of his hair, and spent a long time just staring at his reflection, trying to figure out what to do. 

The sad fact was, half of his head looked reasonably like Kurt Wagner, and the other half was a thin, clingy, foul-smelling mess of burnt hair.  She sighed.

"Well, Kurt, what are we going to do?"

"I don't know vhat you're going to do, but I certainly know vhat I'm going to do."

"What are you going to do?"

"Vell, first I'm going to find Evan."

"And?"

"And zen I'm going to kill Evan."

"Kurt…"

"And zen after I kill Evan…"

"KURT!"

"Sorry."

Ororo managed to regain her composure before she started a hurricane.  "Kurt, I honestly don't know what to tell you.  A comb-over," which she demonstrated by flopping some of his hair over to the nearly bald side, "would look wretched."

"Blech!" Kurt agreed.

"Well then, my dear, I'm afraid there's very little I can do."

"You're sure?"

"Darling, I'm a goddess, not a miracle worker."

Kurt couldn't help but smile.  "Can you do somesing, at least?"

"Well, yes, but you won't like it."

"Vill it look better zan ziss?"

"Eventually."

He bowed his head so he was looking at the floor and said, "Do it."

"Okay," she said warily.  "But don't say I didn't warn you."

An ominous buzzing noise started, but Kurt kept his head down.  He didn't look up until it was over.

+X+

What had happened in the kitchen was a secret, so naturally, everyone in the mansion knew about it.  Kitty (now cleaned up), Bobby (with a stinging red handprint decorating his cheek), Jean, Scott, Evan, Rogue, and some of the new recruits were sitting around the table, waiting for Kurt to come down from Ororo's room.  Evan had been banned from using the barbecue ever again, so Logan and Hank were manning it outside. 

There was a soft BAMF in the hall and finally Kurt appeared in the doorway, wearing a New York Mets baseball cap with his elfish ears tucked up underneath the brim.  Kitty smiled at him.

"Hey, Kurt.  We all heard about The Incident.  Did Ororo manage to save any of your hair?"

Kurt removed the cap to reveal that sadly, she had not.  His hair was cut so short that his head looked like a fuzzy blue peach, and it made his ears stick out.  Jean gasped.  Scott's eyebrows went up.

"Whoa.  Burned!" Bobby declared, in his usual annoying fashion.  Evan walloped him on the arm.  "Ow!"

"Oh, Kurt, that sucks!" Kitty said.  "Well you know what, it's just hair, right?  It like, grows!  You'll be okay!"

"Ja, you have a point," he agreed glumly.  "But I'm going to go home looking like an idiot!"

"Yeah, but you'll be everybody's favorite idiot.  C'mon," Kitty said, grabbing his elbow.  "I bet you're hungry.  You should go outside and have a hotdog, or fourteen." 

He smiled as she dragged him out into the sunlight. 

+X+

Kurt got on the plane two days later, still wearing that baseball cap, and took off for two months with his family in Germany.  The other mutants at the School for Gifted Youngsters spent two months of their summer vacation driving each other crazy to compensate for him not being around, and when the professor told Kitty one Sunday that Kurt's plane was landing that afternoon, she went a little nuts and ran around yelling at everyone who would listen that Kurt was coming back. 

A cab pulled into the circular driveway at four o'clock and Kurt, dressed up with his hologram, hopped out with his bags.  His hologram was wearing a red baseball cap that said "Bonn Rock Haus," and he looked a little weary, but no worse for wear.  After paying the cabby his fare, he hefted up his bags and walked up the steps, only to be greeted by Scott and Jean, who took his suitcase and duffel and walked him inside. 

Kitty, Rogue, Evan, and the professor were there in the foyer to greet him.  There was an explosion of "Hey!"  "There he is!"  "Thank God you're back!  We were so bored," etc. when Kurt walked in the door.  Hugs were exchanged all around. 

The door shut on them all and Kurt turned off his image inducer, which revealed his blue fuzziness, old clothes, and the fact that he was indeed wearing the red "Bonn Rock Haus" cap.  Kitty walked around behind him and giggled.

"Kurt, take that stupid hat off!"

So he did. 

Everyone stared.  His hair had grown out from almost nothing and into a short, masculine cut with… character.  Little waves and loose curls cascaded all over his head.

"It's nice," Scott said.

"It's short," Rogue commented.

"It's CURLY!" Kitty squealed.  She pounced on Kurt like she wanted a piggy-back ride, and started playing with his hair.  "Your hair is CURLY!  I am so jealous!"

"And apparently it's a chick magnet!" Kurt said, his laugh mingling with the giggling of all the gathered students.

He took off running with Kitty on his back.  She screeched in delight.

THE END.

------

X-planation: As non-existent as my French is, I thought "Flambé Bleu" would make a better title than "Help!  My head is on fire!"  Also, for those of you who enjoy Nightcrawler in the comics, Kurt's final haircut is a small ode to the man he will become.    

I am writing the finale at the moment, and the madness should begin soon.  Thanks always for reading!  You all are da BOMB!!!  And for those of you who were like, "HUH?" or "Ew!" at the previous piece, I've learned my lesson.  Never again will you see any parody or slash in this collection.  I think I'm okay in saying that because I'm almost at the end, anyway.  Hee hee!

By the way, if you're just getting into this, I have another Kurt story out that was just too big to fit into this bunch.  (Meaning I couldn't tell it in five pages.)  It's a little number called "Kül," and it's semi-Kurtty, so if you're diggin' on this and still can't get enough Kurt, there 'ya go.  There's more for you.  And if you've become a Kurt addict, feel free to check out the phenomenal Kurt works of ParkerFloyd.  You won't be disappointed. 

~ Kiki