Well everybody, here it is. The moment of truth. The grand finale. The big shebang. But then again, this is MY writing we're talking about, so don't get your hopes up. LOL
This piece is not going to be a one-shot, because the story is just too big. It should be a fun ride, however, and I hope you all enjoy it. It is dedicated to anyone who loves film, anyone who loves Kurt, and anyone who has ever been a part of the behind-the-scenes lunacy in any production of any kind --- music, dance, theater, etc. Murphy's Law, people! Right here!
The title of the tale is taken verbatim from Robin Williams's brilliant shtick with a sock turned hand-puppet at the Golden Globe Awards. (This was a few years ago.) I can't remember exactly what happened, but the comedian used the puppet to make an acceptance speech. He ended by asking the sock, "What's next for you?" And he made the sock respond, with a funny voice and a vaguely German accent, "I vant to direct!"
Let the madness begin!!! ;D
=== I VANT TO DIRECT ===
Part 1: The Good, The Bad, and The Extremely Bad
"Well everyone, we have three weeks until the end of the semester and I must say, it's been an unexpected pleasure having you all in my English class," Ms. Enkler said with a smile.
She was leaning against her desk in room 102 at Bayville High, looking out over a small sea of content seventeen-year-old faces. All the students in her Film as Literature class seemed to really be enjoying themselves and speaking frankly, this was the best class she'd had in her ten years of teaching. Of course, it would have been suicide to say that to the students --- they would have walked all over her. But she was safe in complimenting them, and in an unprecedented move, she was giving them a little present.
"So I have a surprise for you all. Usually, I have everybody write a twenty-page paper as their final assignment. You basically select a film and spout off about certain aspects of it: style, theme, cinematic techniques, plot, character, etcetera, etcetera. You have to use a few sources, and you must have your own ideas. It's a bit more complicated than what most of you are used to. Make no mistake, it's a challenge, and I expect quality work."
There was a grumbly-mumbly moan from the class.
"But," she said, "Since you all have done so well this semester, I'm giving you another option. If you like, instead of writing a research paper, you can make your own film."
The class got very excited at this and started yammering.
"But I want to warn you!" she said. Their babble dribbled off into silence. "Making a film is not as easy as it looks. We've spent most of the semester studying films but also how films are made, and I'm sure you all realize that there is a lot of work involved. Most likely, it will be even more time-consuming and frustrating than putting together a research paper."
The class, however, had apparently ignored her last sentence. They were already buzzing about what they were going to do. But nobody looked half as wide-eyed or excited as Kurt Wagner, who was sitting in his usual spot by the third-row window and grinning at her like an idiot. She smiled warmly at him. Kurt, for all his quirks (the no touching thing was a little weird) was a real sweetheart, and one of her best kids. And considering his horrendous spelling, he would undoubtedly choose to make a film.
"Calm down, people!" she said. "I want to set out the guidelines, so that you can decide what you want to do. I need to know by the end of the period."
She began to scribble on the board.
~ X ~
The ride home from school was practically silent. Scott was driving and Kurt was crammed in the back seat with Kitty and Evan. Rogue had shotgun.
"Why's it so quiet?" Rogue asked, startling everybody.
Kurt was scribbling on a pad of paper and not even paying attention. When he looked up, everybody was staring at him --- even Scott, since they were stopped at a light.
"Vhat?"
"Whutcha doin' that's more important than makin' noise, boy?" Rogue asked, laughing.
Everybody else laughed too, and Kurt looked a little embarrassed and hugged his pad to his chest.
"Aw! Ain't that cute! Ya writin' a poem?" Rogue teased.
"Pssht. Nein!" Kurt said, and stuck his tongue out at her.
"Well then what are you doing?" Kitty asked, and grabbed Kurt's pad before he could stop her. "The Legend of Sandy Gulch," she read aloud.
"Hey, stop zat!" Kurt yelled, and tried to take it from her.
Giggling like crazy, Kitty passed it to Evan.
"A Film by Kurt Wagner!" he finished, and started cackling. "Kurt, you're making a FILM? YOU?"
"I fail to see vhy zat is so funny!" Kurt said. He puffed himself up and crossed his arms, much to the amusement of everyone else in the car. "Yes, I am making a film."
"Any particular reason?" Scott asked from the front, pulling into the circular drive at the Institute.
"School project. It's for mein Film as Literature class."
"Oh." Scott put the car in park.
"Ja, 'Oh.' Now if you vill excuse me…"
Kurt unbuckled himself. Then he effortlessly vaulted up into a one-handed handstand on Kitty's thigh, grabbed the pad from Evan with his free hand, flipped out of the car, and landed on his feet.
"I haff to turn in a script in tree days. I vill see you all later."
He ran up the steps and into the house. The remaining mutants shrugged at each other.
~ X ~
"Kurt, I love this script! It's so cute! And it should run about eight minutes, which is perfect. There's just one thing, though. It looks like you have a gigantic cast. Where are you going to get all of your actors?"
Ms. Enkler looked at Kurt over the rims of her glasses and raised her eyebrows in a rather Mr. McCoy-ish fashion, and Kurt had to clamp his mouth shut to keep from laughing. But she was expecting an answer.
He smiled. "I have lots of friends who all vant to participate. It vill be fine!"
His teacher didn't look entirely convinced, but she was game. "Well, okay. Now don't you be afraid to ask me any questions. After all, I am a freelance cinematographer. I know a thing or two about making films. Here's the key to the storage cabinet. Go get a digital camera, sign your name on the sheet so I know the number you took, and you're free to go. Get crackin'!" She handed Kurt the key.
"All right!" he cheered, and trotted over to the big cabinet along the wall. Gleefully, he took out a shiny little video camera, one of the fifteen that had recently been donated to the school. Just holding it was exciting. He signed it out, handed the key back to Ms. Enkler, and sat down at his desk to start mapping out who would play who in his film.
It was three days after the assignment had been given, and Phase One of his project, the script, was done. He had stayed up pretty late the past two nights getting everything ready, and after Kitty had solemnly sworn not to laugh her ass off, he gave it to her to read over. She spent a few hours correcting all the spelling and grammatical errors she could find, declared it a fine piece of work, and apparently Ms. Enkler agreed.
But now he was into Phase Two, the "actor selection process," which was set to begin the minute the script was approved and he had his camera. He obviously wasn't aiming for movie stars. In fact, he'd written the script with most of the people from the Institute in mind. But there was a slight stumbling block that he hadn't told Ms. Enkler about. He did indeed have a big pool of friends, but they were lousy actors, for the most part. He'd never heard anybody do anything dramatic at home aside from the occasional rant about no food in the fridge, or the daily drama that came from any of them being their idiotic teenage selves. And to make matters worse, he wasn't sure they'd be willing to participate.
Adding to this was the problem of sets and costumes, and extras, and lighting, and the fact that all these people would have to be FED. And what if the weather went bad? It didn't end.
"Oh, man. Vhat vas I tinking?" Kurt muttered, putting his face in his hands.
The bell rang at the end of the period and he slumped out the door with the rest of the students, protectively cradling his camera and looking like he had the weight of the world on his shoulders. If he'd looked back, he would have realized that twelve of his classmates who were also about to make films looked the same way --- sagging, pressured, all the color drained out of their faces.
"Gott in himmel!" Kurt said. "Casting is going to be hell!"
~ X ~
"Everybody, please settle down!" he said, clapping his hands. The windows were dark, but the common room was brightly lit and full of students and teachers, who had all chosen to talk at the same time. It was about six o'clock at the Institute, and Kurt had gathered everyone to see if he could cast the film quickly. Nobody was paying any attention to him.
"Hey, like shut up!" Kitty yelled, trying to help. More yakkety yakkety yakkety.
"Sehr SCHNELL!" Kurt hollered at the top of his lungs.
The room went silent in an instant.
"What did you call us?!" Logan roared from the back.
Kurt rolled his eyes. "I didn't call you anysing, Mr. Logan! I just said 'And do it fast!' really loud, in German."
"Oh."
The furry blue director cleared his throat. "Tanks for your attention, everybody. As you all know, I'm doing a film for mein Film as Lit class. I haff a script, but now I haff to direct it, and I need to cast it. Is anybody interested in playing a role?"
"What kind of a film is it?" Hank McCoy asked from where he stood next to Logan.
"It's a short vestern."
"So it's a film about a teeny tiny tailor?" Logan cracked. Most everyone laughed and Kurt's cheeks went purple. Ororo elbowed Logan.
"What roles are there?" Scott asked, ignoring the teachers.
Kurt tried to ignore them, too. "Vell, everybody can be involved, but, let's see. Zere is za brave sheriff who saves za town, za lady who runs za saloon (who is ze love interest of za brave sheriff), za head bandit, and za narrator," Kurt said, ticking off on his fingers. "So zere ah four speaking parts up for grabs, and I need everybody I can get to be townspeople. Ant if you vant to help but you don't vant to be on camera, zat's fine, because I need people to run lights and za microphone and stuff like zat. So anybody who is interested in helping out in any vay, come meet me in mein room. Okay? Danke! Zat's it!"
He packed up his school bag and left behind a buzzing, excited crowd.
"Hm. Well, I love to act, but I didn't hear about any part for a big blue gorilla," Hank said sadly.
"Oh, there there, Hank," Ororo said, patting his arm. "I'm sure we can both help out behind the scenes. For instance, I think I'll be in charge of the atmosphere," she said, and smiled.
"Hardy har har. Well, I suppose they could use someone to do the catering, too. I say we tag-team the food. What do you think?"
"I think I like the way you think!" she replied with a laugh. "Let's go talk to Kurt."
They walked away, leaving Logan alone in the corner, crossing his arms and staring out the window. Truth be told, he was feeling kind of bad about insulting Kurt's movie. He hadn't even seen the script.
"I bet I'd make a great sheriff!" Bobby Drake said, walking by with Jubilee. They were looking a little too cozy for Logan's taste, but he didn't say anything.
"Yeah, and I could be the saloon lady! All busty and lusty an' everything!" she said, giggling.
Logan rolled his eyes. Jubilee was a whopping thirteen years old. If she was "busty," he was Shaquille O'Neal.
"I don't know, Jean," Scott said, wandering by in mid-conversation. "I'm really a lousy actor. You should have seen the scene from Richard III that I had to do with Rogue last year in Drama Club. It was terrible!"
"Oh, it was not!" Jean said, arm in arm with him. "You were great. And I bet you could be great in this!"
"No, I was bad. Really. Are you going to try out for the movie?"
"Nah, I think I want to be Kurt's lighting gal. I had some experience with that on a school play a few years ago, and it was really fun!"
"Well, maybe if he needs someone to do a mike or something, or somebody to cue people who forget their lines, I'll jump in."
"That's the spirit!"
They walked away. Rogue followed, looking typically bored. She was just heading to Kurt's room to watch other people make fools of themselves, but she caught Logan's eye.
"Hey, Logan."
"Hey, kid."
"Why don'tcha try out fer the head bandit?" she asked bluntly.
It startled Logan. "What?"
"Try out fer the head bandit."
Logan snorted. "Why on earth should I try out to be in Kurt's movie?"
"Gee, I dunno," she said, rolling her eyes. "Mebbe cuz ya insulted it in front of everybody. Might be a nice gesture. Now I figger you don't DO nice gestures, but whut kin it hurt?"
He glared at her. She blinked her green eyes at him and stared, giving him her best puppy-dog look. And as usual, he crumbled. The glare dissolved into a sigh, complete with the uncrossing of the arms.
"Fine, fine," he mumbled, and started for Kurt's room. "But I'm only doin' this cuz I like 'ya, Stripes," he threw over his shoulder, and stalked away.
He didn't see her smiling behind him.
~ X ~
The night proved fruitful, for the most part. Kurt was quite happily overwhelmed with all the people who wandered into his room to see if they could help with the film. Hank and Ororo were declared the official caterers, and Scott and Jean were named the script supervisor and the lighting director respectively. Kitty was standing outside the door with Amara at about eight, waiting to see Kurt. Amara was tired, and Kitty was annoyed, and Rahne looked eager.
"Man, I like SO wanted to try out for Miss Tina, but now I think I'll be stuck arranging furniture. This blows!"
"Huh?" Rahne asked.
"'Booby' is the only one signed up to try out for the Sheriff!" Kitty said pointing at a sheet pinned to the door.
"You mean Scott isn't trying out?" Amara asked.
"No! And it just like, kills me, because he'd be so good! I saw the scene he did with Rogue last year, and he was awesome! She was terrible, but he was great! It's like…" She slapped an imaginary person upside the head. "Wa-paaah! What was he thinking not trying out? Now he's a guy you can work with!"
Amara raised an eyebrow. "Oo-la-la! I think somebody's trying to get her flirt on!" Rahne giggled.
"I'm very happy with Lance," Kitty said angrily, which didn't convince either of them. "And I like, can't believe Bobby's going to be the Sheriff! This sucks! Where the hell is Roberto? Or Sam?"
"Those bandits are going to ruin everything all over again! But I won't let them hurt you, Miss Tina! I fear I will have to challenge their leader to a showdown!" they heard through the door. Bobby was auditioning, saying the line with all the rhythm of a rock and yelling it in a monotone.
Amara snickered. "They were too chicken to try out."
Kitty snorted. "Men. So, are you going to try out for Miss Tina?"
"And play against that? Girl, I'd rather take another cruise! Besides, I like drawing. I'd prefer to draw the sets."
"What about you, Rahne?"
"Costumes!" the Scottish girl said gleefully. "Just have ta be careful of me claws," she said, and giggled again.
"Oh. Do be careful. Sheriff." That painful, stilted line could only have been Jubilee.
A couple of seconds later, the door opened and Jubilee and Bobby walked out, looking rather smug.
"Ha! We got this in the bag!" Bobby said, and they sauntered away.
Kitty, Amara and Rahne peeked in and saw Kurt sitting on the bed, his head in his hands. "Vhy me?" he muttered. Then he looked up. "Come in, ladies."
They did. Kurt smiled at them from where he sat scribbling notes. Kitty took in Kurt's room, which was covered in papers, plans and junk. He'd been working really hard on this.
"So," he said, looking up from his writing, "Vass is up? Do you all vant to try out for Miss Tina?"
The girls looked at each other, then blinked at Kurt. Kurt put down his clipboard.
"Okay, let me try ziss." He got down on his knees, grabbed Kitty's legs and pleaded, "Please, for za love of GOD, try out for Miss Tina!"
All the girls started laughing. Kitty extricated herself from Kurt. "Sorry, Fuzzy, but we actually came to see if we could be of any help behind the scenes."
"Actually, Kitty wants to act!" Amara blurted out. "But Bobby sucks and she doesn't want to work with him. And she called him BOOBY! Ha ha!"
"Amara!" Rahne shrieked. "Tha' is gerl talk! Ya dunna do gerl talk in front a' boys! Fer shame!"
It was Kurt's turn to laugh. "Ladies, please. Keety, if you vant to try out for za role just for fun, zat vould be great. Amara, vhat is it you vant to do?"
"Draw the set," she said immediately.
"Done," he replied. "Come up viss some designs ant show zem to me tomorrow, okay?"
"Oh, yes sir!" she said, snapping a salute.
"And Rahne?"
"Costumes!" she said, just as gleefully as out in the hallway.
"Great! Same sing. Here is a script," he said, handing a copy to her. "Za main sing is Miss Tina's dress. Show me a design tomorrow, and take an inventory of vhat people own. Zen you can haff za credit card and know vhat you'll need before you go shopping."
"Aye, captain!"
Kitty shook her head in disgust as the younger girls ran out. She was still dismayed over the "Booby" comment. Kurt just shrugged and closed the door.
"Why isn't Scott trying out for the part?" Kitty asked.
"Ach, he's having one of his self-doubt tings. But let's try you, ja?"
Kitty sighed. "Sure. Besides, I've been over the script so many times I could say the part in my sleep!"
Kurt just smiled.
~ X ~
The next morning, the film was officially cast and everybody was getting ready for school. The kitchen wasn't that crowded yet, so Kitty was spending some time with her science project. She hummed to herself and peeked into the cupboard. A skin had developed on the small bowl of Jell-O pudding she'd made a week ago, and she could see little bits of green forming.
"Hee hee! Mission Control, we like, totally have mold!" she said, and did a little dance. "Oh, wow! Biology SO rocks! Now for that sticker. Where did I put it?" She hunted around for the sticky note, found it, and slapped it on the bowl. It said, "I Am A Bio Project. Do Not Eat Me." Still humming to herself, she shut the cabinet and went on her way.
~ MOSEY ALONG TO PART TWO. :D ~
