Two days later:
"…In vain I blame my trembling on the cold air
And I can't hide that I relied on you
Like yellow does on blue…"
--Something Corporate
"I don't want to go," Seth says suddenly.
Ryan glances at him, merging into the turning lane.
"I don't want to go, Ryan…"
"I can't make a U-turn on the freeway," Ryan replies evenly.
"You're not going to make me go? I mean, you don't think I should go for closure and take my chance to say goodbye?"
Ryan glances at him again. "It's not my decision. I'm your chauffeur…"
"No, you're not because you're not wearing the little hat," Seth replies. Ryan pulls the car into a McDonalds parking lot.
Ryan turns to him. "So. You don't want to go."
"No," Seth replies.
"Okay." Ryan meets Seth's gaze steadily and Seth looks away.
"But I should go, right?"
"You have to decide whether or not you can handle it. She's…she's gone. The funeral's just a ritual symbolizing that. It's okay if you don't want to go."
Seth nods, thoughtful. "So. I still don't want to go."
Ryan regards him.
"But we have to go. We have to go for Anna."
Ryan nods. "So. We're going but we don't want to."
"Exactly."
"Got it. You're sure?"
"Yeah. Sorry for the spaz out."
"You're a spaz, it's expected," Ryan replies. He starts the car and they continue to the funeral. They park and Ryan steps out, going to Seth's door.
"I don't want to talk to anybody, Ryan…" Seth says when Ryan opens the door.
"Marissa is saving us a seat at the back. I'll run interference, okay? Don't worry about anything."
"Ryan. Man, you're really…Thanks," Seth says.
"Don't get all mushy," Ryan replies. "Come on." Seth walks behind Ryan, his eyes lowered.
"Hey. You okay?" Marissa embraces Seth.
"Yeah. So far so good," Seth replies. They both notice Ryan's sudden change in demeanor. Completely defensive.
"Shit," Seth says, recognizing his grandfather across the parking lot. He doesn't want to talk to him and he panics, stepping back.
"Interference," Ryan mutters. Marissa takes Seth's hands and turns him to face her. Ryan walks away from them.
"I see Ryan helped you get ready," She says, adjusting his tie.
"Why is that?" Seth asks nervously.
"He can't tie a tie," Marissa replies.
"I shouldn't have made him go over there…" Seth says suddenly. Marissa meets his worried gaze. They aren't sure of the nature of Ryan and Caleb's relationship. Ryan tenses up and barely speaks in his presence and Caleb always pulls him aside to 'talk'. Ryan has never confided in them what their conversations are about.
"Ryan. Where's Seth's parents?" Caleb asks immediately.
"Out of town. Seth doesn't want to interrupt their vacation," Ryan replies evenly.
"You can't be serious. No one called Kiki? Who's staying with you?" Caleb demands.
"Seth's not really up for company," Ryan replies. "And like you always say, they're not my parents. It's Seth's decision."
Caleb is flushed.
"Don't talk to him. He's not ready. It's huge that he could even make it here. You can do your worst to me after he's okay, but you need to stay away from him today, Mr. Nichols," Ryan states.
"You don't tell me what to do…" Caleb snaps.
"I'm asking you to respect your grandson's wishes," Ryan says. He pauses. "You knew about this, I'm sure, since you're here, but you're too busy taking advantage of Sandy's absence to improve your court case to even give Seth a sympathy phone call. I'm asking you to give him some space today." Ryan steps away, returning to Seth and Marissa and leading them inside.
*****
"Ryan?" Seth calls.
"It's cool. Let's go inside," Ryan says, shaken by his encounter with Caleb but not meeting Seth's gaze.
"Guys, my dad is here," Marissa says quietly.
"What? Did he know Anna?" Seth asks.
"It's Newport, he knows her parents. He promised me that he won't call Kirsten or Sandy," She adds.
"Shit…" Seth breathes.
"Hey," Ryan says, getting Seth's attention. "One thing at a time, okay?"
Seth nods slowly. "Okay. Let's go. I'm not going to think about that…"
"He promised, Seth…" Marissa whispers.
"I believe you," He says, putting an arm around her. "Let's go."
Ryan follows behind them. Marissa sits beside Jimmy on the back row. Seth sits down beside her, already pale from his glimpse of Anna's shiny white coffin.
Jimmy acknowledges Seth and Ryan with a solemn nod. He is too concerned by Seth's shaky demeanor to risk setting him off by speaking.
"You okay?" Ryan whispers immediately after sitting down.
"Yeah. Okay," Seth replies.
"I'll be right back," Ryan steps away before Seth can question him.
"Seth, you're doing great," Marissa says, distracting him by taking his hand.
"I don't need you to hold my hand," Seth says with a grateful smile. He doesn't pull away.
"Maybe I need you to hold mine," Marissa replies. He squeezes her hand.
Ryan is back as the funeral begins with the sound of bells. Seth doesn't have a chance to ask him where he went.
Seth keeps his eyes closed. Marissa clenches his hand reassuringly every few minutes and Ryan's hand is stoic on his shoulder.
And before Seth realizes, the funeral is over. Marissa and Ryan are watching him worriedly. Ryan breaks the tension.
"You ready?"
"Yes?" Seth answers. They stand up.
"I'll see you later, honey," Jimmy says to Marissa. He glances at Seth and Ryan, worry on his face. "I'll call you later."
"I'm right behind you, I just have to run to the bathroom," Ryan says at the door. Marissa takes the keys from him and leads Seth to the car.
"Is Ryan okay?" Seth asks at the car.
"He's just got a small bladder," Marissa jokes.
"What? Liar," Ryan says, smiling slightly as he goes to the driver's side.
*****
