*****
"When she said love…I won't feel sick…"
"…I didn't know how much you would take from me…"
"It seems that things,
they could've been different
Can't change it…"
---3rd Eye Blind
After school, Ryan rode with Marissa to the apartment she shared with her father. Jimmy Cooper wasn't home and she unlocked the door and pulled Ryan inside. He closed the door behind him and when he turned around, she was in his arms, her mouth on his instantly.
He returned her kiss and his hands went to her head and he ran his fingers through her hair. Her hands were on his belt, deftly trying to free his pants. He pulled her shirt off and lowered his focus to kiss her neck and chest.
They finally rid themselves of clothes and moved to the couch. Marissa made quiet noises of approval while Ryan did everything that made her moan in approval. When they were finished and he was holding her in his arms, she looked back at him.
"Is everything okay?"
"What do you mean? What's going on?" Ryan asked.
"You've been extra quiet lately."
"You haven't wanted to talk that much lately," He replied, kissing her.
"I haven't had anything to talk about. But if you want to talk, you know I'm here, right?" Marissa asked.
"We better get dressed before your dad gets home," Ryan said after a long pause. He got up and started to gather his clothes.
"Are you okay? Seth was looking at you all weird today…" Marissa started.
"I had a fight with his dad," Ryan replied as he pulled on his jeans.
"About what?"
"Stupid stuff. It's nothing. Everything's cool."
"You sure?"
"Yeah," Ryan answered with his back to her.
"Okay. But I'm here for you if you need to talk. About anything." She was suddenly behind him. She hugged him. "I mean it. You can trust me."
"I know. I do. It's nothing," Ryan repeated. He kissed her and they didn't talk anymore.
*****
"…some things you cannot mend…"
"You let me down, I said it…
now I'm going down…
and you're not even around…"
--3rd Eye Blind "God of Wine"
Ryan didn't go into the main house when Marissa dropped him off, walking around the edge of the house.
In the pool house, Seth was sleeping on the couch. Ryan had already figured that Seth would want to talk to him. Ryan tiptoed around him and dropped his backpack. He went to the bathroom and took a long, hot shower. He always felt like he had to cleanse himself after sex. After talking to Sandy, he knew that something was intrinsically wrong with him. He felt like his fears had finally been confirmed. He was broken. He had been spoiled and was rotten inside. Like Gloria.
"Ryan? What are you doing in there?" Seth called through the locked bathroom door.
"Coming out," Ryan replied and opened the door.
"You've been in there for, like, hours."
"Nah, dude, it's all in your head…" Ryan replied.
"You're shivering because you used all the hot water. Are you finally clean?"
"I'll never be clean," Ryan muttered in response and walked by him.
"Are you okay?" Seth asked and his concern echoed through Ryan's panicked psyche.
"I don't know."
"You want to talk about it?"
"I don't know."
"What's going on?"
"I don't know," Ryan said. He sat down. "Man. My head's all fucked up."
Seth sat down beside him.
"So I went to Marissa's tonight."
"Yeah? How is Marissa?"
"Dude, something's wrong with me," Ryan whispered.
"Nothing's wrong with you," Seth responded instantly.
"Yeah, Seth. There is. Are you fucking Summer?"
"What?" Seth paused.
"You heard me."
"Um, I guess. Yeah."
"And you like it."
"Well, yeah, dude, it's like…awesome," Seth replied, unsure of the conversation's direction.
"I don't like it."
"You don't like it. What, sex? Ryan, you don't like it? How can you not like it?" Seth asked, startled.
"I just don't. I'm good at it. I know what to do. I'm very well-trained, but it just…it makes me feel…dirty…"
"Even with Marissa?" Seth questioned cautiously.
"I can't explain it. It's like…I had more respect for her when we weren't having sex. But it makes her so happy and what am I supposed to say to her?"
"You should try and talk to her. I mean…if you really care about her," Seth said carefully, thinking.
"I do care about her. Which is why I don't understand…I mean, sex is supposed to be different when you're with someone you love…and I might love her, you know?" Ryan confessed quietly.
"But if you don't like it…then you don't like it. I don't like broccoli and no matter how hard I try, nothing's going to make it taste better."
Ryan regarded him and smiled. "Damn, Seth."
"What? So I'm not good with metaphors," Seth said.
"No, you're definitely not. But you're a good friend. You're the brother I wish I had."
"Hey, I am your brother. In every way but a name," Seth grinned. "There are things thicker than blood, you know."
Ryan's mood darkened again as he turned his head away.
"Don't panic, dude. We'll fix it. There's nothing that's unfixable."
"You think I need to be fixed, too?" Ryan asked.
"Not you, you're not broken, that's just fucked up," Seth remarked. "No, I mean, whatever's wrong, we'll fix it. We just have to work together."
Ryan sighed.
"What?"
"I can't fix my past. I can't change anything."
"But you can change things now. The past, it's gone. It's over. But look at all you've accomplished, dude. You've moved on. You can move past this, too."
Ryan nodded. "Thanks. I needed to hear that."
"So, what's up? What do you think?" Seth asked after a long silence.
"I think I need to think about some things…"
"Can I ask you something? Just between us? And you know it doesn't matter…" Seth started.
"Ask it, Seth. It's cool," Ryan replied, tensing up instinctively.
"The whole abuse thing…with the women, I can let it go, I mean, that's nothing…it's not abuse but did…but was it always like that? I mean, no one ever…no one ever raped you or anything…"
Ryan was quiet. "You mean, like, men?"
"I mean, did anybody ever take advantage of you, like, against your will? That's what I mean."
Ryan didn't respond. He was deadly quiet.
"I shouldn't ask, I'm sorry…" Seth said.
"No. I'm thinking." Ryan paused. "I'm thinking of the best way to answer you."
Seth waited silently.
Finally, Ryan sighed. "Sometimes, my mom would give me something to drink. Like, a Seven and Seven. Or a Jack and Coke. And I could hold my liquor, but the first drink would always knock me out. I'd wake up and…sometimes…there'd be someone with me. I'd be sore. Where I shouldn't be sore. I'd be hungover, but I wouldn't remember anything."
Seth nodded silently.
"A couple of times, I tried to fight," Ryan continued. " I mean, it wasn't fair because I would wake up with someone on top of me…that's not fair…but I was never strong enough…"
"She drugged you. She drugged you and let them…" Seth muttered, repulsed.
"Dude…" Ryan's face was pale.
"She's a bitch. I'm sorry if that makes you mad, but I can't respect your mother for doing that to you…I mean, she's your mom…and she let…" Seth whispered.
Ryan seemed relieved at Seth's revelation that his disgust was directed at Dawn instead of himself.
"That sucks, dude," Seth said quietly.
"I know. At least I don't remember, you know? At least she gave me that," Ryan replied.
"She shouldn't have done that to you," Seth stated.
"I know. But from my perspective, it wasn't like she was pimping me out. I mean, she cared enough to keep me oblivious…"
Seth glared at Ryan. "Don't defend her. She shouldn't have done that to you."
"I'm sorry, Seth…" Ryan began.
"It's not your fault…"
"But it is. You feeling bad for me, that's my fault. I'm cool," Ryan replied calmly.
"I do feel bad for you. I see this eating away at you…"
"I'm cool," Ryan whispered.
"Are you sure?" Seth responded. "Because I don't think I'd be cool if something like that had happened to me."
"It was a long time ago, Seth," Ryan stated. "There's a lot of stuff in my head that I just don't think about."
"You have to think about, Ryan. On some level, you have to be thinking of it…" Seth muttered.
"I just turn it off. I don't think about it. It's an acquired skill," Ryan snorted, his eyes distant.
"When Marissa came up today at school…is that what you did? You turned it off?" Seth asked.
Ryan looked at him. "I didn't know I did it today."
"If you can just turn it off, like shut away whatever's bothering you, then why don't you do that when you're with Marissa?" Seth asked.
"It's all about focus. But when I'm with Marissa…I can't get past the sex. I just do…I do what I always do and it works and it makes her happy but…I can't look at her."
"Dude, I'm sorry. I don't know anything about this shit…" Seth said after a long pause.
"I know. But you did ask for this conversation," Ryan muttered.
"But I'm not the best person to ask. Like…"
"Like Sandy, I guess. He's probably going to send me to counseling or something anyway because of fucking Gloria…"
"Well, earlier, I heard him talking to Mom and they weren't even talking about her. Dad's all pissed at your mom," Seth replied.
"Huh. Wonder if that's good or bad."
"Well, maybe you should go to counseling. I mean, it helped Marissa…"
"Marissa ate a bottle of painkillers in Mexico. She wasn't functional. I'm functional."
"As opposed to dysfunctional?" Seth replied quietly.
"I mean that I don't have a huge problem that's affecting my life. I just have a few hang-ups…"
"Not liking sex, that's more than a simple hang up, man," Seth replied quietly.
"You think?"
"Yeah. I think you should think about talking to somebody."
"I wouldn't even know how to do that. I can't even tell Marissa how I feel…" Ryan muttered.
There was a soft knocking on the door. "You guys coming in for dinner?" Kirsten asked from the door.
"Sure," Seth replied, standing up. Ryan followed him inside. They sat down at the table. Sandy glanced between the two boys but didn't speak, giving them each a slight nod.
"So how was school?" Kirsten asked.
Seth immediately launched into a narrative of his day in order to keep his parents' focus off Ryan. Ryan didn't raise his head at all and ate in silence.
Once Seth's story ran down, Sandy turned to Ryan. "How was your day?"
"Fine," Ryan replied and met his gaze steadily.
"Where'd you go after school?" Sandy questioned.
"Marissa's," Ryan replied. The room was completely silent. The tension thickened exponentially. Ryan put his silverware down and announced, "I'm done."
"Ryan," Seth said quietly.
"This isn't the time or the place," Ryan replied to Seth. He took his plate into the kitchen and walked out of the house.
"Ryan's been talking to you?" Sandy questioned quietly.
"Yeah, you're not handling this as well as I expected, Dad. I almost had him convinced to talk to you before dinner," Seth scolded his father.
"Why does he need to talk to me?" Sandy questioned slowly, trying to see how much his son knows.
"You know why. Mom's too afraid to ask him for herself so she sends you. And you manage to twist him all up in knots. You guys were such good parents for me, I don't understand how you can push him away like this," Seth muttered. He went to his room.
"So. What are we going to do?" Sandy asked.
"Well, after hearing what Seth just said, maybe I should talk to him," Kirsten stated slowly. "Maybe he'd feel more comfortable talking to a woman."
"I don't know…I felt like I made a lot of progress with him this morning but it was all for nothing as soon as I brought up the word 'abuse'. How do you feel talking to him?"
"I don't think I've ever really talked to him, Sandy. I've…I've been leaving that up to you. I guess it's about time I got involved in his life."
"Kirsten, you're a great mother…" Sandy started.
"But if that woman had approached Seth like that, I would have questioned him until his ears bled. But with Ryan, I just left it until you had time to talk to him. I can't let you be the only parent in his life."
"Kirsten, you might make it worse…"
"Or I might make it better," She shrugged. She embraced Sandy and started toward the pool house.
*****
