*****

"…How do I feel?

What do I say?

In the end, it all goes away…"

--System of a Down "Sugar"

Ryan walked out of the bathroom and spotted Kirsten's blonde hair sitting on his bed. "Tag team?"

"What?" She asked, confused.

"You and Sandy are pulling a tag team. It got too rough for him so he sent you in to relieve him," Ryan explained. He didn't sit beside her, instead, he chose to sit down on the edge of the couch facing her.

"No, Ryan. I just realized, well, Seth made me realize, that I shouldn't have sent Sandy to talk to you about that woman in the mall…"

"Her name is Gloria. And I'm sure Sandy's already told you about our conversation this morning so I don't have to repeat any of it. What do you have to add? More questions about how those women abused me?" Ryan asked, anxious to end the conversation as soon as possible.

"More like why you let them take advantage of you. Abuse is such a strong word, I think Sandy used it a lot during his job with the public defender's office and he throws it around without thinking of the way he's using it."

"I was in a different place then, things were different then," Ryan said quietly.

"Explain that, Ryan. Tell me what things were like then," Kirsten urged.

Ryan was silent. His eyes were lowered to the carpet.

"Ryan?" She called after a long silence.

"I'm thinking," He responded. "Okay. So, I don't know how things were at your house when you were a kid, but judging from the way you treat Seth, I'm going to say that your home life was pretty…non-dysfunctional." He paused. "But my house was different. There was no parenting. If you had a problem, you solved it yourself. If you were sick, you took care of yourself. Trey taught me everything I knew about girls."

"But Sandy said that your mother…" Kirsten started.

"I met older girls because I stuck pretty close to Trey. I got used to being with older women and I rarely messed with girls my own age because I wasn't used to them, they weren't mature enough or whatever. I was never home unless I was sleeping. Dad was gone by the time I was eleven so Mom's boyfriends and drug buddies were always around and that usually wasn't fun. I drank a lot, then. I'd hang out with Trey and his friends but he started getting into harder stuff and I wasn't into that. Mom just mentioned to a few of her friends that 'little Ryan was a man'. So some of them started coming onto me. I didn't know how to say no, and I didn't think I was expected to. Like, Mom would want to be alone with whatever guy she was with and she didn't want to be rude to her company so they'd come see me. In her mind, I was going to do it anyway." Ryan snorted. "We got condoms and cigarettes for Christmas, Kirsten, so at least she was looking out for us."

Kirsten didn't reply immediately.

"I know it's fucked up, but it was all I knew. I know different now."

"So your mother…she thought it was okay for you to be having sex with women her own age…"
"Mom…Damn, Kirsten, she didn't care. The only time she really cared about anything having to do with us was when we got into trouble or when she needed something. I mean, if she needed money, she would be so sweet…" Ryan's eyes were distant when she met his gaze. "If she needed somebody to go to battle for her, she would be nice."

"Your mom, she used drugs," Kirsten stated.

"Present tense. She uses drugs. That's one of the reasons seeing Gloria has me so sprung. She had cleaned up a little in the past year or so. She'd stopped using as much. No more coke. No more junk. She was still drinking, but she had slowed up on the hard stuff. I hate to think of her getting hooked again…" Ryan paused. "But I guess you never really get unhooked."

"I don't…I don't know what to say. Thank you for being honest with me," Kirsten said quietly.

"I'm not the same kid I used to be. I know that life…it's not supposed to be like that. Family is not supposed to be like that. Sex…is not supposed to be like that," Ryan said quietly.

"You're right. And the fact that you realize that is a huge thing…" Kirsten began.

"Seth says I need counseling," Ryan said.

"Really? What do you think?"

"I don't know. Talking about it doesn't really change anything. It just makes me think about it more. I think I should focus on moving on with my life instead of dragging up old history," Ryan replied.

"But your past affects you."

"I know. I'm seeing that more and more. But like I was telling Sandy this morning, I'd rather you guys knew nothing about me because then you wouldn't judge me."

"We're not judging you, Ryan, we're trying to understand who you are. You're a part of our family, now. You have to know that seeing Gloria…it was strange for me. Seeing her kiss you like…"

"Like we were lovers. I'm sorry. I wasn't expecting her," Ryan apologized.

"I know. And you made it clear that you weren't happy to see her. What happened between you and her the last time you saw her?" Kirsten asked.

"She was getting high with my mom and I…I went out for a while. When I came back, my mom had overdosed and Gloria was so stoned that she didn't even know. I called the ambulance because Mom was beyond anything that I could do for her and I kicked Gloria out of the house so she wouldn't get busted," Ryan replied.

"You…you said your mom was beyond anything that you could do for her…what does that mean?" Kirsten asked.

"Usually, if she hit the coke or the smack too hard, I'd put her in the shower or we'd stick her with epinephrine but…but she was turning blue and I didn't know what to do for her. It was the first time that I couldn't help her. God, she was pissed when she got out," Ryan snorted.

"Why?" Kirsten asked.

"'Cause she was on probation and they always call the cops when there's drugs involved. I cleaned out the house before I even considered calling 911," Ryan replied.

She nodded slowly.

"I'm sorry, Kirsten. I hate that you and Sandy are so upset about my past."

"Can I ask you something that might upset you? And you won't get upset?"

"You sound like Seth. And you probably have the same question that he had," Ryan replied, quietly.

"Really?" Kirsten was surprised.

"You want to know if there was any other…abuse…right?"

Kirsten nodded.

Ryan sighed. "What would you say if I said that I don't recall?"

"I'd say you were lying to me. And you don't lie," Kirsten replied immediately.

Ryan lowered his gaze. "A few times…my mom drugged me and I knew that something happened while I was out."

"Something happened?" Kirsten probed.

"I'll tell you what I told Seth. My mom would give me a drink. I'd fall asleep. I'd wake up and I'd be sore where I shouldn't be sore."

"And you don't remember anything."

"I remember waking up a few times and having people with me…but I couldn't fight back…whatever she gave me was really strong and made me lose all my strength," Ryan stated slowly.

"Ryan," Kirsten said quietly.

"Talking about it doesn't make it disappear, Kirsten. It just makes me remember. It can't be changed," Ryan shrugged, his discomfort very evident. He stood up and started to pace.

"Ryan, I don't mean to make you uncomfortable but…"

"But you're my parent now and you need to hear these things, yeah, I got that speech from Sandy. You, Sandy and Seth, you guys should just have a meeting so you don't repeat yourselves…" Ryan muttered.

"Ryan. Please."

"Please what? Please keep talking? I can guarantee that I've talked more today than any other day in my life. I just don't understand what you guys are getting out of this…" Ryan muttered.

"Hopefully a better understanding of who you are, Ryan. You're…there's nothing wrong with you, Ryan. You're a well-adjusted, intelligent young man that has a shitty past. But the things you told me tonight…those things affect you. You're quiet. Introverted. You have trust and intimacy issues…"

Ryan snorted.

"Ryan, people live with their pasts every day. If a counselor could help you, wouldn't you want to be helped?" Kirsten asked.

"You're asking me if I want to go to counseling. You're not telling me?" Ryan asked slowly.

"I'm asking you to think about what you need to feel better. You haven't been yourself lately and something is obviously bothering you…"

Ryan lowered his gaze but stopped pacing.

"And if its something like…something that Sandy and I aren't capable of helping you with, we'll do whatever it takes to make you better."

He nodded slowly.

Kirsten sighed. She realized that Ryan was trembling. She got up to embrace him but he immediately took several steps away from her.

"Okay, Ryan. Thanks for talking to me. Are you okay?" She sighed, accepting of his need for space.

"I'll be fine. Thanks. I'll think about what you said," Ryan said quietly.

*****

Ryan met Seth in the kitchen for breakfast the next morning.

"Hey," Seth nodded.

"Hey," Ryan replied.

"You okay?"

"I'm tired. I'm tired of talking and I'm tired of thinking," Ryan sighed.

"So…" Seth started.

"So I'm going to talk to Marissa today. After school. See…I'm going to try and talk to her…" Ryan said quietly.

"I'm glad. She's going to understand, Ryan. She cares about you…" Seth started.

"I guess we'll see," Ryan muttered. "Are you ready? I really don't want to face your parents today until I have to…"

"Sure. Let's go," Seth agreed.

*****

Seth was sitting with Summer at lunch and he watched Ryan carefully from across the quad at school. Seth and Summer have been dating for several weeks.

"What's going on?" Summer asked.

"Nothing," Seth replied, not taking his eyes off his friend. He watched as Marissa approached Ryan and embraced him. Marissa kissed him deeply.

"Seth?" Summer urged. "Come on. Talk to me." She followed his gaze. "You're still worried about Ryan?"

"Yeah."

"Well, I asked Marissa about it and she said she was going to talk to him. Yesterday she asked him if everything was copacetic and he said that it was fine…" Summer explained.

"He's supposed to try and talk to her tonight," Seth replied quietly.

"What's going on?" Summer questioned.

"I can't talk about it. It's Ryan's thing. I can't…" Seth sighed.

"I won't say anything…"

"I can't say, Summer, don't ask me to." He paused. "She's all over him…" He remarked, still watching Ryan and Marissa's exchange across the quad.

"He won't mind…"

"Summer, drop it, god…" Seth grabbed his lunch and stormed away.

*****

After school, Marissa gave Ryan a ride to her house so they could study. Jimmy wasn't home.

Marissa hadn't noticed Ryan's somber mood. She was used to his quiet nature by now and his increased silence had not alerted her to anything wrong. As soon as they dropped their books on the table, she had reached out for him, took his hands and tried to pull her against him.

"Marissa, wait…" Ryan started.

"We don't have much time, baby, before my dad gets home…" Marissa replied. She ignored his words and kissed him.

"Marissa…can we talk first?" Ryan asked when her lips released him.

"We can talk later…" She responded. She continued to kiss him. Marissa started to pull his shirt off when she realized that he wasn't responding. "What?"

Ryan's blue eyes were glazed as he met her gaze.

"What is it?"

"I can't do this today," He said quietly. He stepped back slowly, out of her reach.

"Ryan, what…what's wrong?"

"I just can't do this today…" He picked up his backpack and started to rush to the door.

"Ryan, wait, Ryan!" She chased him to the open door and grabbed his arm. "Wait…we can talk…"

Ryan's face was pale and his eyes were distant and full of pain.

"I'm sorry, Ryan, I'm sorry. Come back in and talk to me…okay?" She pulled on his arm.

"I…" Ryan opened his mouth to speak but no words came out.

"What is it, baby?" She asked. Finally, he accepted her embrace and put his arms around her.

"I'm sorry…"

"What? Ryan?" She questioned, panicked. She had never seen him look vulnerable before. She had never seen him shaking with emotion. She'd never seen him show emotion before. She held him against her.

"I'm so sorry…" He whispered. She kissed him suddenly, anxious to do anything to get him to relax. He started to pull away but finally relaxed into her embrace. He returned her kiss, urgently. They closed the door with their bodies.

They didn't speak. Several minutes later, Ryan rolled off of Marissa with a gasp. He rushed to the bathroom and Marissa dressed as she listened to him vomiting. She went to the bathroom but the door was locked.

"Ryan?" She called. Finally, the sound of his retching slowed. He opened the door, pale. "Are you all right?"

"No. I'm not," He replied honestly. "I need to go." He pulled his shirt on and was dressed in a matter of moments.

"Ryan, wait, what's going on?"

"I…can you give me some space?" He asked finally.

"What? No, why?"

"I need…I need to go…"

She didn't have time to catch him as he rushed from the apartment.

*****

Ryan walked into the pool house without going through the main house. He immediately went to the bathroom and threw up again. He felt sick. He wanted to talk to Marissa, he wanted to explain that he needed a break to work through all his issues, but when she had started to touch him…he couldn't stop himself. He failed.

He was used to failing but this was new. He had a mission to talk to Marissa and he failed. This was really important and he couldn't…he couldn't tell her. He couldn't talk to her. He threw up again.

Tonight wasn't the first time that sex had made him physically sick. Several times in the past he had felt so disgusted with himself that he had become violently sick. The difference this time was that he knew that Seth would question his sickness and immediately connect it to his recently discussed issues. He regretted telling them anything at all.