AN: So I've taken a sabbatical from writing fanfic for a while but I did manage to type up this new chapter of Touch (from a handwritten note, so it's new to you and not to me). I should be updating everything in a month or so once I get things in order again. Thanks to all the readers and people that have taken the time to review. Hope this chapter will tide you guys over for a while!

He heaved again but there was nothing left in his stomach. The bathroom was peaceful. When he had drank or gotten fucked up in the past, he had always found his bearings in the bathroom. Something about so much light in such a little area. Ryan got up and examined himself in the mirror as he undressed. Faded scars on his lower back had escaped Marissa and countless other lovers' attentions. Tight muscles from sit-ups, push-ups and pull-ups had become his trademark when he turned twelve. He would exercise and channel all his anger. It used to work.

Ryan got into the shower. He made sure to make it quick. He dressed and when he stepped into the main room he found Seth sitting on his bed.

"Hey," Ryan said.

"Marissa called. Said you got sick. I told her I would check on you."

"I tried to talk to her but I just…I flaked," Ryan stated.

"What happened? Did you tell her anything?" Seth asked.

"I didn't get the chance. She started kissing me, I freaked and tried to leave…"

"And?" Seth asked. "She didn't ask you why?"

"She started kissing me again," Ryan replied.

Seth shook his head. "So when did you get sick?"

Ryan looked at him.

"Oh. Oh." Seth paused. "You've got to talk to her, dude."

"What am I supposed to say? I don't want to have sex with you because it makes me sick?" Ryan sat down.

"Definitely don't tell her that," Seth replied.

"I told her I needed some space. She said no. I said I had to go," Ryan said quietly.

"She wants you to call her," Seth stated. He held out the phone. Ryan took it. He dialed Marissa's number. A quick glance at Seth settled him back into his seat to listen.

"Hey. Marissa." Ryan's voice was low.

"Hey. What happened to you?"

"I'm sick."

"What's wrong? Ryan, you can talk to me…"

"I can't," Ryan replied. Seth shook his head, imagining the conversation from his one side.

"I don't know what you need me to do…" Marissa said, frustrated.

"I need some space…"

"Why? What did I do?"

"Nothing, it's nothing to do with you…I'm going through some stuff…"

"What stuff? Why do you need space from me? It must have to do with me if you need space from me…"

"God, Marissa…" Ryan whispered and covered his face.

"Ryan, I need you, you can't ask me to just leave you alone…that's not fair…"

"I don't know what to do…I can't…" Ryan lost his voice.

"Talk to me!" Marissa said urgently.

Ryan hung up the phone. His hands were shaking.

"Damn, man. This sucks." Seth sighed. The phone rang. Seth took it from his hand and put it to his ear. Ryan laid down on the bed and covered his head with a pillow.

"Hello?" Seth answered the phone.

"Seth? I need to talk to Ryan."

"Ryan's sick, he's in the bathroom," Seth told Marissa.

"It's important," Marissa said.

"He can't talk if he's vomiting," Seth replied.

"You know what's going on. Tell me what I did…"

"I don't know. I'll tell Ryan you called," Seth sighed.

"Seth?"

"Yeah?"

"Is he okay?"

"Yeah. Bye." Seth hung up the phone.

"Thanks," Ryan said from the bed.

"Are you going to be okay?" Seth asked.

"Yeah. But I'm skipping dinner. My stomach's thrashed." Ryan's voice was muffled from under the pillow.

"All right. I'll come check on you later," Seth said, standing up.

"Thanks."

As soon as Seth was out of sight, Ryan returned to the bathroom and vomited.

*****

"Every now and then I get like this

And it isn't hard to see

That the old man in the kitchen

I think he's part of me

Don't say nothing about the old house

'Cause I burned it to the ground

And when the darkness comes I'll lie awake

Playing lost and found…"

--Pete Yorn

Ryan woke up with Marissa standing over him.

"Hey."

"Hey," Ryan replied. She sat down on the bed.

"How do you feel?"

"Better."

"Want to talk?" She asked after a beat.

"It's kind of early. I still don't have my head together," He replied quietly.

"I can wait," She countered.

Ryan sat up and sighed. "Marissa, look…"

She nodded. She reached for his hand and he pulled it away.

"Don't…don't touch me yet…"

Her face flashed with hurt.

"I…I'm having some…god…I can't explain…"

"You don't want me to touch you…what am I supposed to think?" Marissa whispered.

"It's not like that, God, you're beautiful…"Ryan replied, frustrated.

"Then explain it to me, Ryan…give me a chance…" Marissa pleaded.

Ryan turned away. He looked at the floor as he spoke. "Something's wrong with me. All I want is to be with you…but I've got some things I need to work through and it's not fair to you…"

"Ryan…"

"It's not fair to you for me to be with you…"

"That doesn't make sense, baby," She replied.

"I need to get my head together before I can be with you anymore," Ryan said quietly.

"Can't I help you get your head together?" Marissa whispered, stricken.

"…No…" Ryan replied.

Seth appeared at the door.

Marissa shook her head. She slapped Ryan hard across the face.

Ryan didn't react as she rushed past Seth out of the poolhouse.

"Hey…you okay?" Seth asked.

"I'm fine. Everything worked out," Ryan said, his voice distant.

"Ryan…"

"It's fine. It's easier this way."

"But…you love her…" Seth protested.

"I barely fathom the concept of love," Ryan replied coldly. "You can't lose what you never had."

"Dude…"

"I'm going to go get ready for school. I'll see you in the house." Ryan climbed out of bed and retreated to the bathroom.

*****

Ryan went into the house and made himself a bowl of cereal.

"Morning, Ryan. How do you feel? Seth said you were sick last night."

"I'm okay," Ryan shrugged to Kirsten. She put her the back of her hand against his forehead. He flinched slightly but she held it there.

"You're a little hot. You sure you feel okay?"

"Yeah."

"I'm going to get the thermometer just in case…"

"Kirsten…"

"Humor me," She said before disappearing into another room.

When Seth came into the kitchen, Ryan has a thermometer in his mouth.

"Mom got you?" Seth asked.

Ryan nodded. Kirsten walked in and took the thermometer from Ryan.

"It's a little high, Ryan. You sure you feel okay to go to school?" Kirsten asked, concerned.

"You do look a little green," Seth said quietly.

Ryan glanced at the bowl of cereal and felt his stomach lurch. "I am still a little nauseous," He admitted.

"That's it then. I'll call the school and tell them you're sick. Seth can get your homework for you. I'll give you some ibuprofen and you're going back to bed," Kirsten stated, happy that her will was being done.

Seth stuck his tongue out playfully at Ryan who returned the gesture with his middle finger.

*****

"Seth, what the hell is going on around here? Marissa says Ryan broke up with her…" Summer said after she had kissed him hello.

Seth didn't reply. He was upset that Marissa couldn't get past her 'girlfriend' issues long enough to let Ryan explain to her what was wrong. He expected Marissa to be a better friend to Ryan. He was hoping that Marissa could actually be someone Ryan could talk to.

"Seth? What happened?" Summer asked. She pulled him to the side of the hallway. "They, they were like, so happy together…"

"She should have tried a little harder to listen to him instead of going ballistic on him. It's hard for him to talk about anything and the fact that he was trying so hard to talk to her…she should have listened…she just made everything worse…" Seth muttered. He shook off Summer's arm and walked away.

Summer was stunned. Marissa had been upset but Summer had thought that it was just a simple spat. After seeing Seth's reaction to her questioning, she knew that it was really serious.

*****

Ryan was sick again. He had slept soundly through the night but after Kirsten told him he could stay home from school to rest, he had been puking since. He had managed to hide from Kirsten so far but when he left the bathroom after being sick for the fourth time in an hour, she was waiting for him.

"I told you to come get me if you felt worse, Ryan," She scolded.

"It's nothing, I'm just a little nauseous," He replied.

"Sit down." She walked over to him after he sat down and put her hand against his forehead again. "I think your fever's going up. I'm going to call the doctor…"

"I don't need a doctor, Kirsten. Really. I'm okay," Ryan sighed.

"You're sick, Ryan…"

"Not physically," He muttered. "I'm sick of me…"

"Ryan. You're running a fever, this has nothing to do with…"

"Give me a few hours and I promise I'll be better," Ryan pleaded.

"Ryan. Look, I'm going to call the doctor and see what he recommends, okay? Final word," Kirsten stated.

He waved his hand in frustration as she stood up. She started walking toward the door. She stopped. "Did something happen between you and Marissa, Ryan?"

"There is no 'me and Marissa'," He replied quietly.

"What?" Kirsten gasped. "Ryan, you guys have been going out for weeks…"

"It's just too much for me right now," Ryan said.

"Did you try and talk to her?" Kirsten asked.

"I tried. I can't. She won't give me space, she won't listen so this is the next step. It's cool. It's for the best," Ryan remarked quietly. "It's not a big deal."

"Lie down, Ryan. I'll see what the doctor recommends," Kirsten said. She walked out of the pool house and went into the house. She had lots to ask the doctor about when she called.