*****
"Don't live too fast
troubles will come and they will pass…"
--Lynyrd Skynyrd
"Marissa, what exactly happened? Because Seth's…he's really upset about this," Summer told Marissa at lunch. Seth had disappeared to the library.
"Why would Seth be upset?"
"Because whatever's bothering Ryan really must be bigger than you. Maybe you should have tried harder to find out what's bothering him."
"I tried to touch him, Summer and it was like I burned him. He flinched, Summer."
"Maybe it's some kind of sex thing. Didn't you say he freaked out yesterday?"
"Yeah, at first he was like, pulling away and he started to leave but…after a few minutes, he was into it…" Marissa said quietly.
"Into it? Really?"
"It was…it's always good, Summer. The boy always gets me off…" She whispered, flushing.
"Something weird is going on…" Summer said. "Did you ask him why he tried to leave?"
"He shut down, he like, he got sick right after we were done and left…When I talked to him last night, he was…he wouldn't say anything. Then today, he…he said that it wasn't fair to me to have to be with him right now. He said that he was going through some stuff and that he needed space…"
"Why didn't you give him space?" Summer questioned.
"You're supposed to be on my side here," Marissa replied.
"I'm not picking sides, Coop, I'm trying to figure this out. I mean, if you really care about him and this is important to you then I think…"
"I shouldn't have slapped him…I just…its like he used me and now that he's tired of me…" Marissa tried to put her reasoning into words.
"Sounds like you're using him, Coop. He tried to say no yesterday and you were too caught up in the moment to listen to him. I mean…" Summer replied.
"I need to talk to him," Marissa admitted. "I'm being a bitch."
"It's Chino, Marissa. When does he ever voluntarily ask to talk to you? I mean, that alone is a pretty big thing," Summer added.
Seth appeared. He nodded to Marissa and gave Summer a quick kiss. "I'll see you after school…"
"Seth?" Marissa called.
"I need to get to class," Seth replied.
"Where's Ryan?"
"He's sick. Maybe if you had taken the time to talk to him, you'd know that," Seth replied coldly. He walked away.
"He won't tell me what's going on either," Summer sighed. "They're really protective of each other."
"I'm going to go over there…" Marissa started.
"He asked you for space so you're going over there again? After you just told me that you slapped him? Maybe you should give him a couple of days, Coop," Summer suggested immediately.
"I don't want to lose him, Summer, not over something…not like this…we've come too far for me just to throw it all away because he can't communicate with me…" Marissa protested.
"Just give him a day or two, Coop. The way Seth talks, it takes him a while to get his words together. Seth says he usually asks him something and then gives him a few days to come up with an answer…I always thought he was joking, but…give him a few days, Coop. If it's meant to be…it'll work out," Summer said.
*****
"Going to get a new tattoo
Black and twisting around my arm
Like a life that is visible and real…"
--Everclear
Kirsten knocked quietly on the door to the pool house. She stepped inside after there was no response. Ryan was lying facedown on the bed, muttering in his sleep. His muscles were tense with distress but she couldn't understand his words. She sat down beside him and put her hand on his shoulder. He sat up immediately, his blue eyes clouded with panic.
"Shh…you're just having a bad dream," Kirsten said quietly.
He didn't respond immediately. He nodded after a beat before rushing from the room to the bathroom to vomit. Kirsten waited patiently for him at the bed.
Ryan returned. He sat down beside her. "So I guess I'm sick."
"At least you're acknowledging it now. The doctor says that it's probably just a virus and that we should keep you hydrated," Kirsten said quietly, brushing a strand of blond hair out of his face.
"So I don't have to go?"
"I won't make you go if you start feeling better…"
"I feel better already…" Ryan replied. He gave her a weak smile.
"I want you to stay in bed, Ryan, and I'll bring you out some soup…"
"No food. I'm tired of throwing up…how about some juice?" Ryan suggested.
"Okay. For now. Lie down. I'll be back…" Kirsten said.
"Kirsten. Thank you."
"It's my job, kid. Get used to it," Kirsten smiled.
****
Ryan felt like he was waterlogged a few hours later. Kirsten had been bringing him juice and tea every half hour and it was all he could do to keep it down. Now, he felt like he was floating in juice and he couldn't sleep due to his pounding headache. He couldn't tell whether his head hurt worse with his eyes open or closed. He buried his face in the pillow and swallowed his nausea.
"Ryan?"
Ryan recognized Marissa's voice. He waved a hand as he sat up slowly. "Hey."
"Hey. You're really sick," Marissa said.
"Yeah," Ryan replied.
"Can we talk?"
"Do I have any choice?" Ryan replied quietly.
"Yeah. You do. Did I have any choice when you dumped me?"
"It isn't working, Marissa…"
"Why? Because I wouldn't listen to you? I'm sorry…I was with Luke for years, and we…we never talked at all. I dump all my issues on you and I guess I got used to you not having any…" Marissa began.
"I have issues, Marissa. I just don't need to talk about them," Ryan replied slowly.
"But you tried and I…I was caught up in the moment and I shut you down. And I'm sorry. This morning…I was so upset…I'm terrified of losing you, Ryan, and I overreacted…" Marissa continued.
"I'm sorry, too. I'm getting hit with a lot…a lot of my baggage that I stuffed under the rug is coming back to haunt me…" Ryan admitted.
"Will you talk to me? I promise that I'll listen…I love you, Ryan…"
"Don't say that…"
"Why? Why not, baby?" Marissa started to reach for him but stopped herself. "Will you give us a chance?"
Ryan sighed. She walked over to the bed and sat down beside him.
"Please. Trust me."
"I don't know how to say this, Marissa…"
"Just say it," She urged.
Ryan was trembling. "I like you, Marissa…I love you…you're beautiful and amazing and…and I want to be with you but…"
"But what?"
"I'm really messed up," Ryan whispered.
"Messed up? Can I get a little more than that?" She replied, putting an arm around him.
"There's no way to say this…but…you know I've been with a lot of girls…women…" He started.
"Yeah, Ryan. I know, but you said that you were always safe and we're always safe," She said.
"It's not that…its me…I…the sex…it's like…I don't get anything out of it…it's just something that I know how to do…it's like…it's like eating or breathing…it comes automatically…" Ryan whispered.
Marissa paled. "Ryan…are you serious? You don't like…you don't like making love to me?"
"I don't know how to make love, Marissa…and it's not just you…I've never liked it…I just feel dirty…disgusting…its sex…I can't get past it…I try…I try to see you when we're together…but my brain just shuts off and I can't see anything…"
"That's why you got sick yesterday…I pushed you too hard…baby…I'm so sorry…" She pulled him into an embrace.
"Marissa…I'm sorry…" He whispered as she held him tightly against her. He put his arms around her after a moment.
"It's not your fault, okay? We'll work through this…together…you need some space and I'll give it to you…but please don't ask me to let you go…I can't lose you…I want you…I need you…I want to help you get through this…" She released him for a moment and looked into his eyes. "I want to be the first woman you make love to. I can wait as long as you need."
"I don't want you to have to wait…" Ryan replied.
"I don't care. I want to be with you. I love you. You helped me through one of the roughest times in my life and I want to be there for you…will you let me try at least?" Marissa whispered.
Ryan simply nodded and buried his face into her shoulder. She rubbed his back. "I'm sorry…"
"Me, too…" She replied. He stood up abruptly and rushed to the bathroom. Sick. She waited on his bed but he didn't return immediately. Kirsten stepped in.
"Marissa. Is everything okay?" Kirsten asked immediately.
"Are you going to help him?" Marissa asked.
Kirsten set the tray she was carrying on the counter. "He talked to you?"
"Yeah. He told me…about his baggage."
"We're going to help him, Marissa. As much as he'll let us," Kirsten said.
Marissa nodded. "He's sick."
"Can I call you later, Marissa?" Ryan asked, stepping back into the room, pale.
"Sure," Marissa smiled. She gave him a chaste kiss on the cheek as he sat down heavily on the bed. "Bye, Kirsten." She left.
"So…you and Marissa are going to work it out?"
"She wants to try," Ryan replied. He stretched out on the bed and pulled a pillow over his face.
"You're not feeling any better?"
"My headache's getting worse…" Ryan replied.
"You have a headache?" Kirsten asked.
"Goes along with being sick," Ryan muttered. He sighed. "I'm still sick."
"You need to rest. Come inside and try the guestroom. I want to keep my eye on you and take your temperature," Kirsten said. Ryan followed her obediently into the main house.
Kirsten took his temperature and saw that his fever was getting higher. She put him to bed in the guestroom with some aspirin and left the door open so she could keep watch on him.
*****
Ryan sat up abruptly, drenched in sweat.
"Ryan?"
He glanced at Kirsten with panicked eyes.
"Ryan."
"I'm okay," He said a few minutes later. "Bad dream."
Kirsten left the chair beside his bed and came to his side. "You sure you're okay?"
"Yeah. I think so. For once." He got up and went to the bathroom. When he returned, his hair was damp from where he had washed his face.
"Feel like something to drink?" Kirsten asked.
"Okay," He replied and went into the kitchen.
She poured him a tall glass of juice. He took a tentative sip and met her steady gaze. "What?"
"Can I take your temperature?" She asked.
"You just did, a little while ago," Ryan replied.
"You've been asleep for six hours," Kirsten said.
"God…you sat with me the whole time?" Ryan asked, startled.
"Of course. You had me a little worried but I'm pretty sure your fever broke," Kirsten responded, holding out a thermometer.
Ryan accepted it in his mouth.
"Your color's coming back, I think," She commented as she looked at the thermometer a few minutes later.
"Do I pass?"
"Yes, you do. Your fever's down. How's your head?"
"Better. I feel better, Kirsten. About everything," He admitted.
"Speaking of…the everything…will you talk to someone?" Kirsten asked quietly.
"Like…a therapist? A shrink?" Ryan asked in reply.
"Yeah, Ryan. A professional," Kirsten replied.
Ryan paused, his blue eyes unreadable.
"Ryan?"
"Yeah. I'll go. Whatever you think is best. But…will you find me someone that's not a quack?" Ryan asked.
"Yes, Ryan. Sandy and I will get some names together and you can pick from them. Don't worry about anything, okay?" Kirsten said.
Ryan nodded. He took a long swallow of juice. "I'm going to go lie down again. Where do you want me?"
"You can go back to the pool house if you feel like it. I'll come down and check on you later," Kirsten suggested.
"Thanks, Kirsten. For everything."
"You're welcome, baby. Now go get some rest," She smiled.
Ryan made his way slowly to the pool house and collapsed on his bed. For the first time in days, he really felt like things might be okay. For once, things might be okay.
Fin
