He Hearts
Author: Shannie328
Pairing: J/D
Rating: PG-13
Spoilers: Through Season 5, The Benign Prerogative
Disclaimer: I don't own them. Never will.
Thanks to everyone who has reviewed this. You guys make this even more fun!
Present" Have a seat."
Josh and Donna sat down, each of them watching Leo, trying to gage his reaction. He just continued to stand behind his desk, his arms folded, a stern look on his face.
The clock on Leo's desk ticked irritatingly. Tick-tock. The sound echoing in the quiet room. Finally Josh couldn't take it anymore.
"Listen Leo…"
"Josh, I don't want you to say a single thing right now."
Josh quickly shut up at the tone in Leo's voice.
"What the hell were you thinking?" Leo's words were directed at Donna who appeared to have lost the ability to speak.
"Ummm… well, I don't… uhhh."
"Oh, good god woman…"
Donna shut her mouth and Josh stood up. "Look, Leo this is my fault. It was my idea to keep this quiet. I know we should have…"
Leo sat down and put his elbows on his desk, his hands folded in front of his face. "Oh, Josh, don't think that I don't blame you. I'm just wondering how Donna got herself into this. She usually makes better decisions than this. She's usually the one to keep you in line. So, again I repeat myself, how did this happen?" This time his words were directed at both Josh and Donna.
Josh sat down and looked over at Donna, she looked back at him and they both wondered were to start.
February: Five months earlier
"Start from the beginning."
"Are you kidding me?"
"The whole thing is crap. Start over from the beginning. Change the whole thing."
Josh and Will watched Toby walk away down the hall. Will looked down at the speech in his hand.
"I've been working on this thing for two weeks. I asked for help on one little part. Is he serious about this?"
Josh shrugged, "It's Toby. I'm sure it's fine."
"Yeah right." Will walked down the hall in the opposite direction. Probably to re-write the entire speech.
Josh stood in the middle of the hallway, his hands in his pockets, rocking back and forth on his heels. After looking around for a minute he turned towards his own bullpen, meeting up with Donna halfway down the hall.
"I found the O'Brien numbers. Although I must say it wasn't easy. I had to look in about fifty places. You know Josh, I wonder if perhaps you have some type of long-term memory loss. And it wouldn't be surprising. Did you know that twenty five percent of Americans…"
Josh grabbed the paper out of Donna's hands. "Donna, I asked you to find me a piece of paper. Not to run down the mental state of myself or twenty five percent of Americans."
Donna smiled, "I'm just saying. You have to be careful. Half the time you can't even remember where your own car is."
"We'll that's why I keep you around."
The two smiled at each other and Donna headed off to her own desk, "You have senior staff at one. Lunch is on your desk. Eat the salad this time. I don't want to find some intern with it later on."
Josh watched her from his doorway. He could feel his heart contract and the pain was something he was not ready to feel. Donna watched out for him. She walked down the hallway with him, half the time he would forget that she was there. They would just walk together, in complete sync. And now, that would all change…
Donna smiled to herself as she sat down at her desk to eat her own salad. She knew Josh was watching her. She could always tell when he was watching her. When she walked around the bullpen, when she walked out of his office. He had been doing it ever since the campaign and it always left her with a warm feeling that seemed to spread all the way to her toes.
She turned around to look at his door. He was probably sitting at his desk, staring at his salad in disgust. No matter what she said, he would only eat of few bites of it, just to appease her and then walk down the hall to seem what kind of junk food Toby had stashed away.
He probably didn't know that she knew. In fact he probably didn't know how well Donna knew him. How she could tell when he needed help, how she could tell that he was in trouble, or about to get in trouble. Once she had said that she was tuned to him, at the time she had been joking. But she often wondered how much that was true.
She remembered on the night of the election, she had left the party and walked back to his office. Just to make sure he didn't need her. He had been there with Amy and listening to the two of them talking, the way Josh reacted when Amy took of her coat. It was enough to make a person sick. But she found herself standing there, until Josh had called her in. She hadn't been surprised that he had just expected her to be out there. That was the way the two of them worked.
Ever since day one, she had just come to anticipate his needs. It wasn't in a "hey you're my secretary, do everything I tell you to and when I tell you to" way. She had just always felt this compulsive need to be there for him, to not be the person that left him. If there was only one person he could count on, she wanted it to be her.
Donna figured that her need to be Josh's support system had really started the night that his father had died. He had looked so happy only moments before, and it was her job to bring it all crashing down around him. Never, would she forget the look in his eyes when she said those words. "Josh your father died." In that moment he wasn't a political big shot around Washington. He was a little boy who had lost his father. A little boy who was feeling all the pain in the world at that every moment. And it was looking in his eyes at that moment that Donna knew she wanted to take care of him.
It was like she had explained to Amy awhile back. Josh was afraid of people leaving. He had lost his sister and his father. He lived in constant fear that the minute he turned his back, someone he loved was going to die or leave. And Donna was determined not to be that person.
But this was not an entirely unselfish desire on her part. Taking care of Josh was her selfish way of making sure that he was okay. She had realized this on the day that Josh had been shot, so many years ago, it sometimes seemed.
Sitting there at the hospital, watching his surgery, wondering if he was going to live or die she had come to a life changing, yet not so shattering conclusion. She, Donnatella Moss needed Joshua Lyman in her life. In the short amount of time that they had known each other, he had become a staple in her life. His sarcastic sense of humor, his smile, the way he ran his hands through his hair when he didn't know what to say; they were all things that she had come to rely on. But most important of all was that in the time that she had known him, he had managed to make her feel something that she had never felt before: Important.
And so after Josh had come out of the hospital, she had taken it upon herself to take care of him. She had to make sure that he was okay, and that nothing would happen to take him out of her life. Those first few weeks she had practically lived at his apartment and at night after he had fallen asleep, she would sit in the chair next to his bed and cry for the man that she had almost lost.
It was during those weeks that Donna had realized that she was in love with him.
They had been sitting there one night in his room. Josh propped up in bed, Donna lying next to him. They were watching some old Alfred Hitchcock movie, Josh occasionally making a wise-ass remarks, Donna casually brushing them off with her own wealth of useless knowledge. And she looked over at him and realized that this was where she wanted to be for the rest of her life. Lying there next to Josh, laughing and talking. It was in that moment that she realized that she had always loved him and that she always would. It was the simpilist, purest thing that finally made it all click.
After that she tried her hardest to push Josh away. Push him towards Joey Lucas. Push him towards Amy. Because the closer they got, the harder she found it to stay away. She had gone out with Cliff to keep her mind off Josh. And that had just become a big mess. Then she had asked Josh to set her up with Jack Reese. And had secretly found it cute that Josh had told Jack all the stories about her. As embarrassing as those were.
And Jack a turned out to be a pretty nice guy. She had liked spending time with him. He was the kind of guy that she could imagine herself with. But then he had let her take the fall for something he did. And all she could think of was that Josh would have never let her take the blame. She found herself being relieved that Jack had been transferred.
She had known when she confessed to C.J. that Josh would figure out the quote from the article had not come from her. She had just not expected him to figure it out so fast. She had not expected to find him outside her apartment, throwing snowballs at the window. She had not expected him to look at her the way he did. Over and over she found herself thinking over his words. "You look amazing." It was not so much what he said. But how he said it. As if he was realizing something. And part of her did not want to know what he was realizing.
That night after they had gotten done working, when she and Josh were standing outside of her apartment, Donna decided once and for all that she and Josh could never be together. She was his assistant. He could not risk hurting his career over her. And she did not want to risk their friendship. So she had hugged him and said goodnight. Hoping beyond hope that she was doing the right thing. She would continue to be there for Josh, even if it meant watching him fall in love with someone else. Donna knew that they could never be together. There was just to much there…
"Hey Donna, can I see you for a minute in my office?"
Donna looked up to C.J. standing in front of her desk.
"Yeah. Is anything wrong?" Donna followed C.J. into her office and sat down in one of the guest chairs. "Did Josh do something?"
C.J. laughed. "No, actually this is about you."
Donna straightened in her chair, "Did I do something? Because whatever it is, I can fix it. Is this about that memo that I lost? Because I know the second version wasn't perfect. But I'm sure I can…"
C.J. held up her hand, "No, Donna you haven't done anything wrong. This is actually a good thing."
"Oh."
C.J. sat down, "Nancy Perkins quit."
"Yeah, the Assistant Human Resources Director."
"Right. Anyway, Leo and I have been trying to find a replacement. And you were the first person on the top of each of our lists."
Donna stared at C.J. for a moment, expressionless. Then she smiled, "Are you serious? Me? I'm mean I don't even… I've never… Really?"
"Yeah, Donna we've all noticed everything you've done these past years. You've solved a lot of problems that we haven't been able to. You have this connection with people. Josh has always said that he's glad you've always been able to hold onto that emotional part of it. And now you can really use it."
A huge grin spread over Donna's face and then stopped. She stilled for a moment and then shook her head. "Josh…" She looked up at C.J. "I'm sorry, I can't. I can't… Josh, he needs me."
"We've already talked to Josh. He's okay with this. He thinks it will be good for you."
Donna looked up, a strange expression on her face. "You talked to… He said…" She bit her lip and looked to the side, then stood up. "I'm sorry C.J. I really appreciate the offer. But I can't." With that, she walked out of the office."
Later that Night
Josh walked up the steps of the Lincoln Memorial with two cups of coffee in his hands. Donna was sitting at the top with her arms on her knees, her head resting in her hands.
"I brought you coffee."
Donna looked up without saying anything and took the warm drink. She didn't take a drink though, just warmed her hands with it and stared out into the distance.
Josh sat down next to her and took a sip of his own.
"Am I in trouble?"
Josh looked at her strangely, "Why would you be in trouble?"
Donna shrugged, "I don't know, we only bring each other coffee when one of us is in trouble. I just thought…"
"You're not in trouble."
They sat there for a minute longer, not saying anything.
" I talked to C.J." Josh looked over and not getting a response he continued on, "Donna, you have to take that job." He found the words harder to get out than he had practiced.
Donna looked away from him, "Josh, I don't want to talk about it."
"Donna, listen. This would be a great experience. You know that. I'll be fine, if that's what you're worried about. I don't need you." As he said it Josh realized that it was probably the wrong thing.
Donna looked over at him with more hurt in her eyes than he expected. She nodded slowly, "So, you don't need me at all?" Her voice sounded small.
"Donna, that came out wrong. I need you. I need you more than you might know." His voice trailed off at the end. "I just think that it's time for you to do something for yourself."
"Has it ever occurred to you that by working for you I am doing something for myself? It's my way of…" She stopped suddenly, knowing that she was headed into dangerous territory.
"Your way of what?"
Donna looked Josh straight in the eyes before answering, "Of making sure you're okay."
"Donna, I'm not some doll that's going to break. I'm fine, okay? You don't have to watch out for me."
Donna bit her lip, "If I'm not there and something happens…"
"Nothing's going to happen! What would happen…?" Josh trailed off as he suddenly realized what she was talking about. His voice became gentler and he placed his hand on her knee. "Donna…"
"Josh I wasn't there. You were shot and I wasn't there." She tried to wipe away the tears that were slipping down her face.
"And I thank God for that every day."
Josh's words flowed over her and she was suddenly aware of where his hand was. They looked at each other and he smiled, his dimples deepening.
"We've never really talked about this before, have we?"
Josh shook his head, "I guess we've always danced around it. You don't have to though. I'm not going to break."
"I hurts me too Josh."
"I know."
Donna sighed and looked out into the fading sunset. "I can't leave you Josh."
"Yes you can. I think you have to." Josh watched her reaction and he took a deep breath. "And you know what? I think we might find that we still have a relationship beyond boss and assistant."
"Yeah?"
Josh nodded, "Yeah. I told you I needed you. And I didn't just mean as an assistant."
Donna smiled to herself. They were crossing a line here. A line that both of them had drawn a long time ago. And suddenly she didn't care. "Okay."
Josh grinned, "Good." He stood up and offered his hand to Donna, " Then we better go tell C.J."
She took his hand and they walked down the stairs together, Donna holding onto Josh's arm.
"Hey, Donna?"
"Yeah?"
"I am going to miss you."
"You better."
PresentLeo watched as Donna and Josh tried to get the story out, talking over each other, disagreeing over events.
"Oh, stop it, both of you. I get the picture." He stood up.
The two in front of him stopped and looked at him expecting the worse. Josh reached over and grabbed Donna's hand, suddenly realizing that there was no longer a reason to hide it.
Leo saw this and let out a breath, "Okay, I don't have time for this anymore. I've got to meet with the president. I want you two to go to C.J.'s office."
"C.J. knows?" Josh cringed inwardly. The one person that scared him more than Leo was C.J.
"Yes she knows. Unlike other people I know, I went to her first. And I better warn you. She hasn't had any sleep. And she's pissed. Good luck."
Josh and Donna exited the office, each murmuring their thanks. Leo remained behind his desk after they left. After a moment he smiled.
"It's about damn time."
To Be Continued…
